Real Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Hello all! This is an excellent forum; I have greatly enjoyed reading the stories of deconversion. My story is not really that interesting, but I feel that I probably cannot resolve this problem without some kind of support. To start with, I think it is important to mention that I suffer from melancholic depression (with some mild psychotic symptoms) and OCD. I am extremely obsessive about my belief system and I have converted to Christianity and deconverted several times. This is going to be the last time that I deconvert because do not believe in Christianity or God. I seem to convert in cycles. I will be a strong atheist one moment, then I will have a subjective experience that I attribute to God/Christ and I will go through an enormous analysis of philosophy and entertain some absurd ideas just so that I can reconcile Christianity with science and contemporary reality. For example, because my rational mind simply cannot compute Christianity as being "true", I had to perceive it through the lens of relativism and pluralism, and made up some absurd ideas that all religions are true at the same time, that God exists and does not exist simultaneously and that God is beyond logic, mathematics, science and reason. All ridiculous concepts as a result of trying to rationalise the "religious" experiences that I was having at the time. I have come to the firm conclusion that religious faith (particularly monotheistic religions) completely destroys a person's ability to think rationally and intelligently. It is obvious to me now that my religious experiences were mild hallucinations / false perceptions that are the product of the neural biochemistry in my brain. I just need to remind myself of this every single day of my life because I know that anecdotal evidence of subjective religious feelings is absolutely worthless and cannot be trusted, and I also know that I am prone to psychosis. I would like to hear from people with similar stories. Cheers! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Welcome!! We're having a lot of newbies the past few days....awesome! Ive never posted an actual deconversion story of my own on here, but Ive written about it. Pretty standard. Got a library card, got educated, never looked back. I still go to church with my wife though. But I'm a big boy, I just go and mentally rip the sermon to shreds every sunday. I mean obviously I take to heart the good parts, love your neighbor, yada yada yada, but i dont take the historical claims etc literally. Deconversion is a looong process for most. I'm not fully deconverted, but its pretty damn close. Im not sure any ex-C is really 100% deconverted. Depends how long they were in I guess. If you were nominal to begin with, then you'll get out quicker. Indoctrinated from birth? That'll take years to fully escape most likely. Glad to have ya! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Honest Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Welcome to the forum, Real. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since my teen years. Looking back I can see that it was brought on by my religious beliefs, mainly from the fact that I desperately needed help from god and he didn't intervene in my life. Trying to reconcile this "loving god" with this invisible and inactive god really messed with my head! Since my deconversion about 7 months ago my mind has been so much clearer! Like you, when I was a believer I had some experiences that I attributed to "god's presence". But when those experiences never led to anything tangible, I had to face the fact that they were all in my mind. I hope you can stick around for awhile. This is a great place to share what you're going through and get support. 2H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Hello Real, and welcome. I've noticed recently on here that a number of people are at the same stage you're at. Their minds tell them that Christianity is bunk, but emotions and/or unusual events and coincidences (plus I think fear of hell, usually) make it seem maybe it's true after all. So there's wavering back and forth. I and lots of us have been through this and others are going through that stage now, so by no means are you alone! I think a lot of the misgivings and internal second-guessing fade with time. As you know, you've been programmed, and your brain channels have been exercised and trained by religious thinking and emotion, so it takes a while to retrain your immediate internal responses. Facts and logic help a lot at those times when you find you have to go over your thinking once again. You'll find it gets more natural, like slipping into a new skin. BTW are you getting professional treatment for the mild psychotic symptoms and depression and OCD you mention? DON'T try to just soldier on through those - they are illnesses not character flaws! I'm not assuming that you're not getting treatment, just following up on those parts of your post. Rock on, Bro! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Hello Real, and welcome. I've noticed recently on here that a number of people are at the same stage you're at. Their minds tell them that Christianity is bunk, but emotions and/or unusual events and coincidences (plus I think fear of hell, usually) make it seem maybe it's true after all. So there's wavering back and forth. I and lots of us have been through this and others are going through that stage now, so by no means are you alone! I think a lot of the misgivings and internal second-guessing fade with time. As you know, you've been programmed, and your brain channels have been exercised and trained by religious thinking and emotion, so it takes a while to retrain your immediate internal responses. Facts and logic help a lot at those times when you find you have to go over your thinking once again. You'll find it gets more natural, like slipping into a new skin. BTW are you getting professional treatment for the mild psychotic symptoms and depression and OCD you mention? DON'T try to just soldier on through those - they are illnesses not character flaws! I'm not assuming that you're not getting treatment, just following up on those parts of your post. Rock on, Bro! It's more than a coincidence that the two biggest religions in the world are the two with the biggest threats of hellfire. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocklobster Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Hey real, welcome. I feel like I am one of those people at a similar stage you are in. in a way its nice to read your story and get an even clearer picture in my head of what im going through. you explained it very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Hi, Real. Thanks for posting. My depression started when I was around 15, and my religious viewpoint was completely responsible. It has continued off and on for 25 years now. A few years ago, I read the Bible through completely and that was the beginning of the end. It has been a winding road but am getting more settled that there is nothing supernatural or revealed. My depression has also been easing up, even as I've had to come to terms with no after-life (provided I got "lucky" enough to go to the "good place"), and the idea that there is no God who has some grand plan for my life and is there to make everything work out for good. Welcome to Ex-C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Hi real, nice to see a fellow Brit on the forum. I started up here yesterday. I've not got depression, as am fortunate to have a good personal life, but think I have mild OCD. I think many Christians have. Not putting too fine a point on it, that Jesus stuff will f your head up Take care. Cheers, Adam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Welcome Real. Glad you found us. Stick around and make some friends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Real Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 Hello all, Thank you all very much for the warm welcomes; greatly appreciated! To answer some questions about my mental illnesses, my problems are on the "very severe" end of the scale. My depression is extremely harsh, so too is the OCD; I am on two antidepressant medications and I am also undertaking NHS psychotherapy for them. Forget God and Christ, without these medications I would feel extreme despair (including intense suicidal feelings). I attempted to stop the medication in 2011; let's just say that this was an extremely poor decision. I will be on medication for life. I am positive that this deconversion will be my last. I am going to concentrate exclusively on hard facts and science (I admire Richard Dawkins), primarily because science reveals real "truth", and also because it has helped me by several orders of magnitude more than Christianity ever could. I actually despise Christianity now because of the power that it has over my mind. Although my family is not overly religious, most of them practice "soft" Christianity (due to living in a Christian country). Also, I attended a rather Christ obsessed primary school as a child, so I have been indoctrinated to a relatively high degree. In adulthood, I have converted to Christianity probably five times, which usually happened because of a subjective experience (typically centred around emotional wisdom or similar) and coincidences, which I perceived as God speaking to me. This is, of course, extremely flimsy and unreliable anecdotal evidence for the existence of God, which I have now realised is nothing other than my own false perception. Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I've done the same christian/agnostic cycles and although each time I see my agnostic cycles getting longer and the christian ones getting shorter. I'm at a point now where I doubt I'll have the christian one again, but you never know. Anyways welcome and I find getting a dose of reality each day from this site has really helped out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spectrox Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Hello Real, and welcome. I've noticed recently on here that a number of people are at the same stage you're at. Their minds tell them that Christianity is bunk, but emotions and/or unusual events and coincidences (plus I think fear of hell, usually) make it seem maybe it's true after all. So there's wavering back and forth. I and lots of us have been through this and others are going through that stage now, so by no means are you alone! I think a lot of the misgivings and internal second-guessing fade with time. As you know, you've been programmed, and your brain channels have been exercised and trained by religious thinking and emotion, so it takes a while to retrain your immediate internal responses. Facts and logic help a lot at those times when you find you have to go over your thinking once again. You'll find it gets more natural, like slipping into a new skin. BTW are you getting professional treatment for the mild psychotic symptoms and depression and OCD you mention? DON'T try to just soldier on through those - they are illnesses not character flaws! I'm not assuming that you're not getting treatment, just following up on those parts of your post. Rock on, Bro! It's more than a coincidence that the two biggest religions in the world are the two with the biggest threats of hellfire. I'd never thought of it that way before. That's a really good insight. Obvious - but brilliant. Welcome, Real. My advice? Just be authentically who you are. Be honest. Think critically - what evidence do we have for any truth claim? Then you won't go far wrong. If the Bible turns out to be true after we die, then I won't think that God is good. I will realise that an evil monster has been running the universe. It won't be God the Father. It'll be The Godfather! At least I know I'll have the moral high ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spectrox Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Hello Real, and welcome. I've noticed recently on here that a number of people are at the same stage you're at. Their minds tell them that Christianity is bunk, but emotions and/or unusual events and coincidences (plus I think fear of hell, usually) make it seem maybe it's true after all. So there's wavering back and forth. I and lots of us have been through this and others are going through that stage now, so by no means are you alone! I think a lot of the misgivings and internal second-guessing fade with time. As you know, you've been programmed, and your brain channels have been exercised and trained by religious thinking and emotion, so it takes a while to retrain your immediate internal responses. Facts and logic help a lot at those times when you find you have to go over your thinking once again. You'll find it gets more natural, like slipping into a new skin. BTW are you getting professional treatment for the mild psychotic symptoms and depression and OCD you mention? DON'T try to just soldier on through those - they are illnesses not character flaws! I'm not assuming that you're not getting treatment, just following up on those parts of your post. Rock on, Bro! It's more than a coincidence that the two biggest religions in the world are the two with the biggest threats of hellfire. I'd never thought of it that way before, McDaddy. That's a really good insight. Obvious - but brilliant. Welcome, Real. My advice? Just be authentically who you are. Be honest. Think critically - what evidence do we have for any truth claim? Then you won't go far wrong. If the Bible turns out to be true after we die, then I won't think that God is good. I will realise that an evil monster has been running the universe. It won't be God the Father. It'll be The Godfather! At least I know I'll have the moral high ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I dun cum up wif dat allz on me own, two!!! Me a jeenyus!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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