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Goodbye Jesus

Report from behind the lines part 4


Bongo

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Been hoping to find more amusing reportable events from chruch. However, for the past few weeks I find that I'm consumed with those "bitter inner monologues" while at chruch, and dont really think that might make good reading.

 

So this one will be quick, and probably not very amusing, but I'm needing a release...

 

Yesterday, it was "Capping Day" where several young preteens and teens were baptised. If you've ever read the Tripod series of books, you know what I mean. If not, then you can guess by the context. Everyone cheered; I pitied.

 

Speaking of Capping, which is a word which sounds like "clapping", yesterday in the pews, I was teaching my six year old girl some fine points of clapping during chruch. For instance, I demonstrated the "insincere clap" and named it as such, where your hands limply just meet in a clapping motion, but no sound comes out. She liked that.

 

Other times, during songs, she hears me softly singing "blah blah blah" , or I emit a little groan or a dramatic sigh, when we get asked to stand up, yet again. I secretly hope the pewers in front of me hear, and are offended. Oh yes, I doooo. I want to be the bad influence that they whisper about.

 

I get away with this rebellious seditious attitude because the wife is in the choir. muhaha.

 

I've also been hoping to find the right moment to mention our youth director. He's a little pudgy and pale, with dark short hair, and kind of a unpleasant grimace. I've been wanting to further describe him, in unflattering terms of course, but have always felt that was really, possibly, beneath me. After all, what has he done to deserve that? He's a nice guy, and from what I can tell, actually very good at what he does. However, I just HAVE to say that to me, he looks like evil overaged teletubby.

 

And another thing, (doing Seinfeld voice now) what's with all this bible lookup shit? I mean, pastor says, "turn to John 3:16."

 

<The sound of hundreds of pages flipping>

 

Pastor reads it. A moment later he directs us to go someplace else, then someplace else, then someplace else, and the sheep follow him from page to page where he reads the passage out loud. WTF is this? I've always wondered why he just dosn't fricken read it to us--what, weren't not going to take his word that it's there? Everyone I've ever mentioned this to looks at me like that's the stupidest notion they ever heard of. Guess I was never really saved in the first place, ya know. Fine, let the sheep follow his whims. I laugh at them all, especially when the pastor then tells them to return to a passage that they looked up 2 passages ago. Ha ha. Do it twice then, idiots.

 

Finally, yesterday, a thought came forth from me, which was a total first for me (you'll probably understand why in a moment). It just burst out of me without any premeditation, but likely with a lot of forethought.

To Bible god: "You want to burn me? then FUCK YOU"

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Goodbye Jesus

It just burst out of me without any premeditation, but likely with a lot of forethought.

To Bible god: "You want to burn me? then FUCK YOU"

 

Once again Bongo, great post. Yeah, I think most of us get your outburst.

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I always hated the dreaded verse lookup ritual as well. I guess people like to do it in order to make their bibles look a little more worn. Did you notice it was also always like a race? If you find the verse the fastest, that means you know where the book in the bible is, and that means that you are the best and most pious goody Christain around!!! :rollseyes:

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That was amusing, Bongo. Ah, the nostalgia! Your account brings it all back like it was yesterday. I survived by drawing alligators and trying to explode the heads of the old folks in front of me with telekinetic power. Sadly, it seems I lacked the power and all the cranial pyrotechnics remained in the realm of my imagination.

 

 

I did get very good at drawing alligators on the offering envelopes, though. :grin:

 

I Did you notice it was also always like a race? If you find the verse the fastest, that means you know where the book in the bible is, and that means that you are the best and most pious goody Christain around!!! :rollseyes

 

 

You're right! I forgot about that, the "Jesus loves me best 'cause I'm a Bible whiz" effect.

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God, I just love these Behind the Scenes posts! Thanks again, Bongo.

 

I've got two ideas on the verse look up thing:

 

1. Teaching tool to reinforce the text in the mind of the listener (hear it, read it, remember it).

 

2. Allows each True Believer to interpret for him/herself. Sort of that Everybody is a Priest deal.

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Glad you guys enjoy the reports. I'm doing this as a service of course. I figure if I go, then you dont have to.

 

< That makes no sense of course>

 

Meanwhile, I'm going to work on the exploding-the-old-folks'-heads. Sounds like a very good use of my time there.

 

That means, though, that I'll have to stop ogling the nubile youn----er, nevermind. Or....perhaps my telekinesis can be put to an even better use...... :scratch:

 

bongo

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Bongo, I just went back and read (re-read?) all four reports from the front lines. The only problem I have with them is that they are just too infrequent. I can so relate to them, they crack me up, and you are a keen observer, good writer, and have a good sense of humor. Keep them coming, very entertaining. Thanks.

 

Also, sorry to be nosy, but what do you do in your situation about the T-word - tithing?

 

-D-

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Guest Challenger

I did my own "behind-the-scenes" thing from September 2004 through may of this year, when I was attending a Bible study on tuesday nights. I didn't go so much as to learn about the Bible as it was a chance to study Christians on their own turf. . .out in the wild, so to speak. Since I was the only non-believer there out of about two hundred men, it did get interesting for me at times. And, I daresay, for them as well.

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Good reading. Must suck, though.

 

Yesterday, it was "Capping Day" where several young preteens and teens were baptised. If you've ever read the Tripod series of books, you know what I mean. If not, then you can guess by the context.

 

I read those books, but I never caught that parallel. I didn't think anyone else had ever heard of them.

 

I demonstrated the "insincere clap" and named it as such, where your hands limply just meet in a clapping motion, but no sound comes out. She liked that.

 

I do that in school chapel.

 

And another thing, (doing Seinfeld voice now) what's with all this bible lookup shit? I mean, pastor says, "turn to John 3:16."

 

<The sound of hundreds of pages flipping>

 

 

Pastor reads it. A moment later he directs us to go someplace else, then someplace else, then someplace else, and the sheep follow him from page to page where he reads the passage out loud. WTF is this? I've always wondered why he just dosn't fricken read it to us--what, weren't not going to take his word that it's there?

 

You're right, that is weird. They did that at my old church, too, but I never really thought about it. The pastor said it was so we could make sure he wasn't misleading us or something. Hmmm.

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Challenger,

Was your Bible Study on Tuesday nights "BSF"? I did that for two years and then quit. My wife really wanted our kids to go so she ended up starting a evening class that now holds over 200 women. Frightening.

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Guest Challenger

Challenger,

Was your Bible Study on Tuesday nights "BSF"? I did that for two years and then quit. My wife really wanted our kids to go so she ended up starting a evening class that now holds over 200 women. Frightening.

 

Yes, it was BSF. A good friend of mine recommended it to me. She is a discussion leader, but not where I was--it was all guys. I never saw one woman there. My first night there I asked about that and no one had any real answer, except that it "must be a decision made by the upper management".

 

Did you quit because you deconverted?

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I always hated the dreaded verse lookup ritual as well. I guess people like to do it in order to make their bibles look a little more worn. Did you notice it was also always like a race? If you find the verse the fastest, that means you know where the book in the bible is, and that means that you are the best and most pious goody Christain around!!! :rollseyes:

 

 

Does anyone else remember "sword drills" in vacation bible school? Flip the pages, cite the verse first, win the prize. Must have been training for those adult years of dutifully following the pastors orders. Maybe looking up verses helps to stave off boredom? Makes you feel like you're participating, and not just dozing off under the preachers hypnotic spell.

 

Bongo, you inspire me. I don't attend my old church at all any more, but now I almost want to drop in a few times and stir up trouble. All my former "brothers and sisters in the Lord" will be gazing at me, hoping to win me back to their fold, and I'll be sitting there noisily yawning during prayer, singing "blah blah" words to "Just As I Am", and repeatedly getting up to go to the restroom right when the sermon is at it's peak. Perhaps I could fake it at the altar call, and go up asking for prayer, spilling out some long, embarassing story (must be sexually oriented of course) to make the minister blush. Repeat each time I attend. Victory is attained when the ushers refuse to allow my entrance to the sanctuary.

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I guess I lucked out when I was a Christian. The pastors at my church had the verses printed on a brochue for the service so we'd save time.

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