Having An Identity Crisis

[openpalm45]

I have been an ex-christian for about a year now. I have started thinking on my own and making my own decisions, and I am getting better at it. But I can't shake this feeling that I dont really know who I am anymore. Christianity defined me in so many ways. Under christianity, I knew what kind of woman I wanted to be, because I wanted to be "who God created me to be" and I wanted to please God. The christian culture I was involved in, easily defined what a woman should be, and what we should believe. Now that I no longer believe it all, I am stuck wondering...

"Who am I?"

 

I have changed so much in the last year or so, and feel like I am still learning, growing, changing. I know that I will always be learning and growing and changing, so this makes it hard for me to feel "settled". I still don't know what I believe on a number of different issues. And I dont know what I want. I always thought I wanted to get married and have children, and be the perfect christian wife and mother. Do I want that anymore? Do I want to get married? Do I even believe in marriage? Do I want to have children? Do I want to be in a relationship? Do I want to be promiscuous? How do I feel about promiscuity? Can people even be monogamous? If I did decide to get married, are the risks even worth it, knowing that most marriages fail, and he might begin to want someone else? (Im not sure I could handle that kind of pain.)

What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be? What do I want to stand for? What is important to me? How do I define morality? I want to be a good person, but tend to be walked all over when I am. How "good" can I be? Where can I find this line?

I dont know, I dont know, I dont know.

I dont know who I am, I dont know what I believe, and I dont know what I want.

I am a mess.

[marmot]

You are relatively young, right?

 

I'm 27 and it really wasn't until the last few years that I felt like I really started to solidify my identity. I am still changing, though, by the day.

 

Christianity and fundamentalism drill it into your head that there is one ideal and it is unchanging. I find that to be false.

 

Basically -- embrace the uncertainty. You have a lot of life to live and you will never have all the answers.

 

On the promiscuity thing, both my wife and I were virgins when we met. We were still Christians, although we stopped practicing shortly thereafter (she still considers herself a Christian). I have told her that in some ways I wish I would have explored a little bit sexually before we met but I also was really glad that sex was something we have only shared with each other. I see beauty in both approaches.

[florduh]

You're not a mess, you're "delayed normal." Religion muddied the waters for a while.

 

All we can do (even as Christians) is make decisions on the best available information and accept that there will be mistakes. That is life - and trying, failing, trying something different is what life consists of. It's actually fun when you realize it's all about the trip, not a destination.

[Margee]

I dont know, I dont know, I dont know.

I dont know who I am, I dont know what I believe, and I dont know what I want.

I am a mess.

 

I couldn't go to bed tonight without a small responce. Breatheeeeeeee, my baby girl!! You are going to do fine. It's like taking a clean sheet of paper and starting all over. You will never stop learning. All these questions you have, do not have to be answered tonight. One day at a time will show who you will become. Think, think, think for yourself, but keep an open mind about others ideas. Let things 'resonate' in your heart. You will be able to say deep within you each day, 'Yes, this is me - who I am right now''....... and you will feel comfortable and peaceful. Tomorrow, you may change your mind and that's O.K.

 

Each year will bring changes and you will form new opinions....right up to 90 years old...so you see, you don't have to figure it all out tonight!! Relax my darlin'!

 

Tonight, you know for sure that you are openpalm89 with as lot of questions..... that's all you need for tonight! That's who you are tonight!! And that's O.K!! Just start there hon........

 

The rest of your answers will follow, now that you are asking the questions !!

 

Hug for you....

[Legion]

In times like the one you're experiencing now OpenPalm, I try to bear in mind that everything is transitory, even feelings of immense and unbearable confusion. In time it will pass.

 

It's kind of like commiting yourself to a meditation in which you will be completely still for 1 hour. Perhaps 20 minutes into it you get an itch. Well you could break your discipline and scratch the itchy place, but you could also remain still and disciplined. In time the itch will in fact go away.

[Positivist]

Hey, OpenPalm!

 

I think the fact that you are questioning so many things is a sign that you are growing. Growing is hard work. Have you tried journaling? It can be beneficial to sort through ideas and feelings. I only journal sporadically, but one time I wrote out a list of ideas I value and things I believe about the world. I find those kinds of exercises useful.

 

One thing I've had to learn is that my beliefs and values are no longer prefabricated and ready for my personal adoption. I actually have to think about what I believe and value now, and weigh the merits of different ideals. I began this process by first examining my areas of cognitive dissonance from Christianity; I was now free to believe what I wanted and felt deeply about--and this is where journaling was helpful for me, just to articulate my beliefs and reasons for believing certain things.

 

The other thing I've learned is that I no longer have to analyze my feelings to try to figure out what God is telling me. (WHEW! This took A LOT of emotional energy!) Now, I try to make logical choices. It's quite exciting for me to have this heightened sense of self-efficacy!! And only a few things are truly disastrous (you really have to weigh degree of risk and what you're willing to tolerate as a worst case scenario).

 

My I suggest making plans to test your wings? Make decisions, make mistakes and learn from them. Life is good! You're gonna be OK!

 

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

[RankStranger]

I wish I could say that you'll have all the answers in time- but that hasn't been my experience. I've made it to age 35 so far, and I still feel much the same as you do. Sure, some questions have been answered along the way: I'm happily married, financially independent, and have the skillz to get me through life. But lots of my beliefs and long-term goals are still up in the air- though the urgency has long since faded. These days I figure that I'll make the hard decisions when/if the time comes. If the time never comes, then I don't see much reason to care.

 

We humans are a tribe-oriented creature. IMO, our psyche is hard-wired to be part of a tribe- and this includes being told how to live your life, at least to some extent. Well we Exchristians have abandoned our 'tribe'. Some people find another one I'm sure- there's no shortage of people, groups, institutions, etc. who are more than willing to tell you how to live your life. But if you reject them all- and I do to the extent that I'm able- then you have to come up with your own plan. Generally I think about what I want in some aspect of my life, consider routes available to me, and choose the one that I like best. And I know damn well that the choice is often fairly arbitrary.

[Guest wester]

All the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players.

 

Don't accept or rely upon labels placed upon you by others to establish your identity. You get to be whatever you want to be.

Have a nice day.

[secondtry]

Hey openpalm,

 

you are not alone. A lot of people our age-range go through a great period of uncertainty/anxiety about jobs, relationships and other things having to do with fully stepping into adulthood. google "quarter-life crisis" to see about that feeling unsettled. The unexpected yet final loss of something that so defined us ofcourse compicates things further. whereas older generations had midlife chrisis, we have quarter life...which means if we can resolve our issues now, we have a good chance of skipping the mid-life. We just have to keep searching, reading, tedtalks, reflecting on music that speaks to us etc. There's as much good excitement to feel about the matter as there is feelings of great anxiety. We are in the often difficult but rewarding process of discovering and moving towards who we want to be.

[blackpudd1n]

Look for good, strong, female role models and use them as a guide to formulate your own views of the world. In feminism, I found the most important key to my whole identity and thought-system: self-respect. For me, everything comes back to my own self-respect, without which I cannot have self-esteem and confidence. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger because I simply did not respect myself.

 

Reading the stories and thoughts of good female role models will help you find your own centre of gravity in life. They will provide ample material for you to think on. As a suggestion, the story of Ayaan Hirsi Ali is very powerful and inspirational.

[openpalm45]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice and thoughts! I will be reading and rereading your posts. I think they will all be helpful for me in this time. I think more than anything, I am just way too hard on myself. I feel like I should be doing better, being better. I need to calm down and accept who I am right now, and accept where I am right now. I have so much anxiety!

Well, again, thank you all so much. You guys are the best. I wish we all lived closer.

You have given me a lot to think about.

[Legion]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice and thoughts!

 

You're welcome. And thank you for the cleavage in your avatar.

 

No, he did not just say that.

 

Oh yes he did.

[Guest wester]

I found this while trolling the internets:

 

there is a deep psychological manipulation used through economic and social means that condition every person based on a role we are programmed to believe we are destined to play. Meaning, experiencing and/or seeing the injustices [of religion...of society] ... only deprogram our faith in these systems, which does not necessarily change the conditioning we've experienced up until that point. We no longer believe it's our destiny to play the games [of religion...of society] but we've still been conditioned to fulfill certain roles.

Our habits and tendencies are much harder to break than it is to simply change our beliefs, which only takes a thought. Taking action, like to actually stop biting your nails, requires will-power and many times of falling back into the same pattern before your actions match up with your thoughts, which already oppose biting your nails.

 

from:http://www.anarchistnews.org/content/failure-revolution

Cheers and Good Luck

[TrueFreedom]

I used to use scripture and dated doctrine for composing songs to unite people behind. That was my identity. I'm still trying to figure out what to represent as well. There's no hurry. Find your passion and sharpen your sword. Most of us only have 15 minutes of fame to get our message out.

[Adam5]

All the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players.

Don't accept or rely upon labels placed upon you by others to establish your identity. You get to be whatever you want to be.

Have a nice day.

 

Good answer. Very good answer

[stryper]

OP,

 

You are choosing how to learn while learning how to choose. In all of life there is only choice. You are suddenly faced with a new paradigm. One where there are no restriction. In that situation, it is easy to get overwhelmed, or just end up doing nothing. John Stewart has stated that they always write the Daily Show within a framework. He feels and it seems to be true, that creativity works best with in restrictions.

 

Since you are literally creating you life, decide on a simple framework. You could start with just getting up at the same time every morning. Basic health and body maintenance things. From there build up to harder decisions. Or what I did that helped me was to write down absolutely everything. When I whittled it down I realized what I really wanted.

 

There are no wrong choices. Taking the time to consciencely decide what you want is good work.

[Thought2Much]

Sometimes "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer. Why be in a rush to answer these questions? You might want to choose one or two of your questions that are most important to you to answer in the near term. Or not.

 

Without the burden of needing a "higher purpose" for everything we do, we are all free to pursue our own answers to these questions. Or, we are free to ignore all of them. Try to take heart in the fact that you don't need to define specific destinations or goals for yourself if you don't wish to. You can take as much time as you want to define yourself how you wish, and not knowing who you want to be as a person is perfectly acceptable. This isn't some school assignment where you have to figure all of this out before the semester is over, and you won't get graded on what you have or have not done.

[Voice]

It's a hard road. I was only a christian for 2.5 years and this identity crisis lasted 8 years for me. Combinations of things helped me to a strong sense of identity which I have now.

 

There were 4 main things I did when I was in your place. The first 2 are extreme.

 

I decided to be celibate in order to not confuse any aspect of the practically non-existent self with anything else. Relationships can for some of us, radically confuse who we are. This lasted 6 years, and even at the end, my first experience with someone was shaded with christian fears. Got through it, and now I can enjoy others knowing who I am.

 

I abandoned all music, tv, movies, etc. Those things seriously interfere with perceptions of my own identity.

 

I started over with friends, developing relationships with only those who could help me learn who I was. Any trace of someone else trying to tell me who I was, even just with criticism, and they were cut off.

 

And I read books, not sap fiction or fluff, OR self-help. I only read books in mind-opening, multi-cultural contexts.

I read text books on subjects that interested me. Those are good because they're unbiassed, unemotional, non-judgemental. Their only purpose is to build your mind. Some of the good ones can stimulate (wake up) your heart. You can get them next to free too, they expire after a year or two, then no one wants them. Any university will help you find expired textbooks.

 

Celibacy and abandonment of technology are probably too extreme for most people, but they worked for me. Definitely work with selective friendships and reading.