A Big Rant

[RedStar]

Sorry, this is long!

 

My brother just came out of the closet on facebook. There haven't been any negative comments yet, but I'm waiting for it. Our family used to attend church and did so for about 7 years and we all still have Christian friends on facebook, and I've debated some of them on thing issue before. I hope now that they know why I was so ferocious that they won't put stupid comments. Our family has been through a lot, and this is only one part of it! My Mother, Brother and I have managed to get through the breakdown of our Mother's marriage to my Step Father 14 years ago who was a mentally abusive prick who tried to turn my Mother against me.

 

The next hit was losing my Grandmother a few years later, and just two weeks after that my Mother was doing the groceries when some bitch ran past and grabbed her purse out of her bag and took off with it leaving my Mother with no money to buy food for us. The purse was picked up by a trucker on the side of a road about a week later, of course the money was gone but driver's license etc was still there. They never caught the person who did it.

 

Our family started going to church 9 years ago, and it was good to start with, but then I started having serious issues because I liked a Christian guy much older than me who attended a different church and everyone including 'god' was telling me to let go. I'd never had a boyfriend in my life and I'd fallen pretty hard for this one, my Father left before I was born despite all the planning my parents had gone to to have me in the first place (my Mother had to go on fertility medication to get pregnant), so I already had issues with rejection and this hurt me big time. This problem started about a year into church attendance.

 

I was the bass player in the church band for about 8 months, I can't read music, I learn by ear (like my Father) and they used to piss me off by not getting the song list to me until late, and sometimes changing songs on the day that I would have to learn before the service. Fuck. My family loved the Pastor, he was nice and down to Earth, but his wife was a bitch and didn't like anyone. I would go to prayer meetings at their house and look up to find his wife glaring at me like I'd killed someone, I thought she didn't like me, but I soon found out that she did it to a lot of people. The only time she came up to me with a smile on her face was when she wanted me to do something for her.

 

I started feeling guilty at one point because I had a strange gut feeling about the worship team leader (who was also the youth leader and children's church leader) but I had no reason for the strange feeling. I told a friend of mine about it and she said she felt funny about him too but didn't know why. At the end of our attendance at this church we found out from a lady in the church that he had come out and said he was 'in love' with her 12 year old daughter. No wonder I had a funny feeling about him! He moved to the State he originally came from after that.

 

I struggled with the issue of being in love with a guy I couldn't have for a few years after that and I found myself saying some... 'interesting' things to god about it. I don't want much out of life, a partner is the biggest dream I have and what made it worse was when a heap of people I went to a Christian high school with were getting married and I'd never had a relationship in my life. I couldn't figure out why god would give all these people around me a partner but do nothing for me despite my begging and being in severe emotional pain all the time. I used to come home from church and go to sleep because it was the only way I could get away from it.

 

The last 7 years of mine and my family's lives have been hard, in just the past 5 years we've been to 22 funerals (we know too many people!). One of the funerals I attended was that of a man I didn't know, but I was there when he died. I was taking the train to Melbourne (I live in Australia) to go to church, I was by myself, and suddenly there was a very loud thump and rock started flying past the windows and the whole train was shaking. I remember looking at those rocks and thinking 'If those rocks come through the windows I'm dead'. When the train stopped everyone was dead quiet, and then a lady sitting ahead of me got up, looked out the window and said "oh shit!".

 

I did the same and saw the back half of an old white Holden Commodore sticking out from under the train. The driver got on the radio to contact the authorities and then got out to see the damage. I poked my head out the door and saw various bits of engine from the car. It's scary to see a car ripped in half like that. The driver saw me and told me to get back in the train. It was hours before we were allowed off the train and a staff member from Vline said nobody was in the car but I knew that wasn't true, the SES were there putting a tarp over the car.

 

I chose to continue on to church, so I took their replacement service to Melbourne. I was sitting next to a guy on the coach who was on the phone to his friend and I couldn't believe what he said: "Some prick put his car on the tracks and now I've missed half the football". I was so angry!!! I couldn't believe how selfish this guy was! When I got to church I spoke to a woman there about what happened and she said "Just don't let it take your focus off Jesus." and walked away. I couldn't believe how stupid and insensitive that was! To make it worse I sat up in the balcony where I had a great view of the guy I like holding hands with his new girlfriend. It wasn't my day!

 

I was reading the newspaper the next day, and there was a small article on the suicide. The names of suicide victims aren't released but I read the death notices and one name in particular seemed to jump out at me, so my Mother called our ex Pastor who worked with a funeral service and asked him about the guy. He wasn't allowed to tell us outright, but he said he were 'pretty close." I attended the funeral, I did so because I felt it would help me deal with what happened, and I felt that I should be there since I was there when he died. I spoke to some of his friends who told me that I was probably the only person on that train who bothered to come.

 

A few days after the accident I started having heart palpitations, I'd had them before but not like this, I had them multiple times every hour in that day and it scared me. I tend to react more physically than emotionally, I've never been one to cry much and if I do it has to be something very serious. I was lucky in the end though, I've only had 3 or 4 nightmares about trains since this happened and none of them were about this event specifically. I'll never forget it, but I don't think I've suffered too badly from it.

 

Just a month later my Youth Pastor who I adored told the church he had cancer, he was a good male role model, and I hadn't had much of that in my life so I was devastated. He was about 26 at the time and he had a lovely wife but no children. I didn't see him much after that because he was always ill, but he came and preached in a town half an hour away from mine and I was very stressed heading up to the event because I hadn't seen him for a while and didn't know how he was going to look or how he was going to get through it with his health. I was so stressed that my Mother took me to the doctor because I was having trouble breathing. It all turned out well. Other times I saw him he was in a wheelchair and on oxygen.

 

Two years after he told the world he had cancer he came out and admitted that he had lied about having cancer. He was certainly a good actor, I'll give him that! The reason he gave for this was that he'd been constantly vomiting because of guilt from having an addiction to porn. This started when he was 12 and his Father was a well known Pastor with a big church and he was too scared to say anything. It continued all through his life and he kept feeling more and more guilty about it and would often vomit from the guilt. He didn't want anyone to find out about it, so one day when someone accidentally opened a door onto his face and made him bleed everywhere resulting in a trip to the hospital. It was this trip to the hospital that gave him the idea to fake cancer, it explained his vomiting without it being necessary to tell the world about his porn problem. My head was spinning for weeks after this, he was the last person in the world I would think would do something so horrible!

 

Last year when my mother was working for a radio station she reported a fatal motorcycle accident, and just half an hour later Anna who is family friend who my Mother had known since she was 17 (she's now 51) called her and said her Husband Kevin was dead. It was the same accident. My Mother was the bridesmaid at their wedding 24 years before that. My family went to where it happened and picked up a plastic bag full of pieces of Kevin's bike, we didn't want Anna to go down there and see it.

 

A couple of weeks after the funeral Anna was very angry after being told by the police that her husband was doing about 120 kilometers in a 60 kilometer zone. She was always telling him to slow down but he just didn't listen. He was just around the corner from where he worked and sped around a lady he worked with, and a truck coming out of a driveway braked heavily but it was too late, Kev was going too fast and there was nothing that could be done. He panicked and locked his front brake and was thrown from his bike. He went under the truck and smashed his head on a power pole. Those at the scene waited for the authorities to get there, and one guy went over to Kevin who was lying in the gutter and to his horror Kevin was gasping for air. I don't think he was conscious, I hope not.

 

Even though I was 21 at the time it made it difficult for me because I wanted my own motorcycle and my Mother didn't like that idea at all. She used to be in a bike club when she was a teenager, and she's known a few people who have died on bikes, but every one of them was doing something stupid they shouldn't have been doing at the time like our friend. She finally calmed down earlier this year and I got my bike Leaner's permit in mid January. I put a deposit on a bike the day before the 1 year anniversary of our friend's death. I wasn't sure how his wife would react, but she told me to let her know when I got it.

 

She came over the day the guy delivered it, and she asked if she could sit on it. She said she like it and that it felt very different to her husband's bike (she used to ride it too since she had a license for it). She would like to have her own bike one day, just not one as powerful as what Kev did, and she certainly isn't interested in speeding like him either! My life has been much better since I got my bike, I have a car too but it just isn't the same. The bike gives a unique feeling of freedom that I haven't felt anywhere else, and yes, I had some fear about it, but there are many things I missed out on doing in my life because I was too afraid. I'd liked bikes all my life and bought one about 6 years ago, but I didn't have the confidence to ride it so I'd traded it for my car I'd dropped it in my backyard and it hit me on the heel on the way down, it hurt for 6 months after that so I became scared of it. Not as scary as the woman I bought it off, she's in prison because she tried to hire a hit man to kill her husband... the hit man turned out to be a cop lol! That's another story all on its own).

 

My passion for bikes didn't go away, and I pined for that bike for 5 years, I kept waking up in the mornings from dreams where I was going to the garage to start it up, or I was riding it somewhere. I'd never missed anything that wasn't living like that before, and it was strange. I finally decided that I didn't want to live my life in fear anymore and I'm glad I took the step. I've got new friends and had some awesome experiences! My Mother even agrees that this is the happiest I've ever been and that it's good for me.

 

Our family has been through a lot of shit, we went through periods where my Mother couldn't work due to depression and we had nothing, thankfully people from church would help so we could eat, at least they did that. These periods of living off nothing were long, the first time was when we were part of our first church, and it lasted for over a year. We've been in and out of that situation for 8 years, but my Mother recently did a course and got a good job in aged care.

 

All this crap we've had to go through immediately put me in defensive mode today when my Brother came out on facebook, we've all suffered enough and the last thing I want for is for my family to go through more crap because stupid ignorant religious people who don't know a damn thing don't like it. He prayed for 5 years not to be gay, but of course his prayers weren't answered. Gee, what a surprise!!! Lol!

[Positivist]

All this crap we've had to go through immediately put me in defensive mode today when my Brother came out on facebook, we've all suffered enough and the last thing I want for is for my family to go through more crap because stupid ignorant religious people who don't know a damn thing don't like it. He prayed for 5 years not to be gay, but of course his prayers weren't answered.

Your family has been through a lot!! I hope you've had some grief counseling.

 

I am always saddened when I read about people (like your brother) who try to pray the gay away. I used to be a part of a group that encouraged that sort of thing (an "Exodus" type of program). Now I regret that involvement, as I now think I have a better understanding of homosexuality than I did back then.

 

I hope you can be obnoxiously supportive of your brother on Facebook, especially if fundies say mean things. (Then, maybe you can post it on the thread "Things Fundies Say On Facebook" )

[blackpudd1n]

Damn, you have had a tough run of it. But I'm glad to see that you are stronger than life, and did get your bike. I agree, there's nothing like the peace and freedom of being on a bike. I will get my own bike eventually, but until I have somewhere to keep it, I have to ride pillion with dad to get my fix.

 

I agree with Pos- don't take shit from anyone regarding your brother coming out. He needs you to back him all the way.

 

It's like that old saying: "the people that matter don't care, and the people that care don't matter". It's not your brother's eating kids- he's gay, it shouldn't even register as a big deal. Honestly, of all the things in the world for people to get upset about.

 

I hope it goes well- you're in my thoughts

[RedStar]

Positivist:

 

Yes, I've been through counseling, I just recently finished up there, my councilor was a really nice lady, a Christian, but down to Earth. I went to her for a few years, starting not long after the unpleasantness with the youth pastor faking cancer.

 

A Christian guy tried to debate me about gays on facebook not long ago, it's on another thread here. I put up links showing how trying to change a person's sexuality doesn't work. They hate that, but instead of letting it burst their bubble they'll probably say the person wasn't praying hard enough, blah blah blah blame the victim bullshit. The guy I debated with acted all butthurt and didn't want to debate me anymore because I had a go at him about for acting like he knew why I left church better than I did. Funny how they do that isn't it? I think perhaps he just couldn't refute me

 

blackpudd1n:

 

Nice to see another lady who likes bikes

 

Don't you worry, I won't take any crap from these shit heads if they start, I'm vicious when it comes to my family, we've been through enough and no pathetic little insignificant fairytale believer with an opinion is going to get away with ANYTHING. I'm only 5ft1 but I once had a female police officer tell me she wouldn't want to meet me in a dark alley lol. I had barely even said anything to her, we were there on behalf of my brother who was 16 at the time and had been in contact with a man who 'used to be gay'. I never believed he wasn't gay anymore, even if he's married. I was right to, he ended up sending my brother hundreds of text messages a week, my brother thought it was great until he got a message that said 'suck me'. That freaked him out, but the police couldn't do anything since he was 16 and consenting until then, and nothing had actually happened between them. My brother was in a fetal position crying on the floor because of that fucker! He'd previously suffered depression badly from trying not to be gay, he'd cut himself and was suicidal. That's all over now and he's happy with who he is and has himself a boyfriend in America. Last night he put on his facebook that he's married to the guy, all comments have been good so far.

[ConureDelSol]

You already said what I was thinking! You know too many people! I think I would have nightmares after seeing what you saw on that train. I understand why you went to the funeral.

 

I've always liked the look and such of bikes, but I've never ridden one. I sometimes get the crazy idea that I should try and get a motorcycle license, but then I have to consider that I have a back problem and that spending a few hours on the bikes I like would probably kill me. Plus, practicality is important to me and the only practical thing I can think of (for me) for a motorcycle is they have great gas mileage.

[blackpudd1n]

blackpudd1n:

 

Nice to see another lady who likes bikes

 

Don't you worry, I won't take any crap from these shit heads if they start, I'm vicious when it comes to my family, we've been through enough and no pathetic little insignificant fairytale believer with an opinion is going to get away with ANYTHING. I'm only 5ft1 but I once had a female police officer tell me she wouldn't want to meet me in a dark alley lol. I had barely even said anything to her, we were there on behalf of my brother who was 16 at the time and had been in contact with a man who 'used to be gay'. I never believed he wasn't gay anymore, even if he's married. I was right to, he ended up sending my brother hundreds of text messages a week, my brother thought it was great until he got a message that said 'suck me'. That freaked him out, but the police couldn't do anything since he was 16 and consenting until then, and nothing had actually happened between them. My brother was in a fetal position crying on the floor because of that fucker! He'd previously suffered depression badly from trying not to be gay, he'd cut himself and was suicidal. That's all over now and he's happy with who he is and has himself a boyfriend in America. Last night he put on his facebook that he's married to the guy, all comments have been good so far.

 

I'm the same with my own loved ones. Won't take anyone shitting on them.

 

With the amount of love and support your brother has from you and your family, I think he'll come through this just fine. But what a prick that "ex-gay" was. You'd think he'd know better, be more empathetic and aware of how his actions could affect your brother.

[blackpudd1n]

Oh, and I remember that whole faked cancer thing. And the way good old Brian Houston down-played it all.

[RedStar]

Oh, and I remember that whole faked cancer thing. And the way good old Brian Houston down-played it all.

 

Yes, they did the same where I was, it was all about forgiveness, and they said people could ring the church and speak to councilors. Most people seemed happy about the forgiveness thing, I didn't have a problem forgiving, not because I felt like god would be mad if I didn't but because even though what he did was horrible I thought it said a lot about the church people he was around, he couldn't tell the people who are meant to love him most about his real problem because of the self righteous judgement he'd get. Religion is very cruel! I've often wondered if there was mental illness involved, normal people don't fake cancer. The woman I bought my motorcycle off lied about having cancer too, she lied to her 6 and 10 year old children. We found out quicker with her because she was a bad liar, she lied about everything she told people, and it happened at the same time as the garbage with the youth pastor. I don't know what the hell is wrong with people!

 

I've always liked the look and such of bikes, but I've never ridden one. I sometimes get the crazy idea that I should try and get a motorcycle license, but then I have to consider that I have a back problem and that spending a few hours on the bikes I like would probably kill me. Plus, practicality is important to me and the only practical thing I can think of (for me) for a motorcycle is they have great gas mileage.

 

That's one thing I love about my bike, so cheap to run! My bike is a cruiser, you sit in an upright position on those instead of leaning over the fuel tank. Some people find that better for their backs. A friend of mine had a work accident involving a forklift which buggered up his back and he rides a nice big cruiser, it's even better for his back than driving a car lol.

 

I'm the same with my own loved ones. Won't take anyone shitting on them.

 

With the amount of love and support your brother has from you and your family, I think he'll come through this just fine. But what a prick that "ex-gay" was. You'd think he'd know better, be more empathetic and aware of how his actions could affect your brother.

 

I was really angry at the damage the guy caused, his wife has no idea that he's still gay. I feel sorry for her, it would suck to be that naive! This guy preaches in churches about no longer being and gay and they all blindly believe him! I think I'm just as angry at them for being stupid as I am at him for lying.

 

Nobody screws with my family and gets away with it, any prick who tries anything will wish they never met me!

[Adam5]

Hi Redstar, amazing post/s. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

Motorbikes I dont like though as I know of one nice bloke I knew killed on one, and witnessed an accident where someone was badly hurt. Personally I think the risks are way way too high. But thats me, I'm a risk averse person.

 

Yes I'd agree religion is / can be a type of mental illness imo.

[RedStar]

Thanks Adam5

 

Bikes can be risky, but in Australia it's illegal not to wear a helmet, so that helps. You get taught defensive riding, which is you don't trust anyone, people will pull out in front of you at roundabouts, I expect it and laugh when it happens. I watch cars sitting in side streets, watching their front wheels tells you whether or not they're going to pull out, so slowing down and keeping your hand near the break lever helps. We have a family friend who has been riding bikes for 40 years, and I know other people who have been riding for similar amounts of time. The thing about bikes is you only get told the bad stuff. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, unfortunately the road is a dangerous place. The way I see it is there are many things that can kill you in life and if I go on the bike at least I will have died doing the thing I enjoyed the most. That said I completely understand people who don't wish to ride because of the dangers, it's a calculated risk and it all comes down to what you're comfortable with I've always been on the wild side though, I keep snakes as pets

 

I'm about to start looking into the psychology of Christianity, I think it'll be very interesting. I like to understand things as best I can, it can be very helpful and may help me to deal with these people a bit better. Being one of them at one point helps but I was always a rational person so I didn't accept everything I was told and I'd like to understand why others do.

[Adam5]

I'm about to start looking into the psychology of Christianity, I think it'll be very interesting. I like to understand things as best I can, it can be very helpful and may help me to deal with these people a bit better. Being one of them at one point helps but I was always a rational person so I didn't accept everything I was told and I'd like to understand why others do.

 

Why I lied to myself for so long I'm not quite sure. I think religion can give people (false) comfort, hope and perhaps peace. I falt out ignored the horrors of the old testament when i was in the bubble and was swept along with all the jesus loves you, happy clappy stuff you get in church.

 

The psychology of Christianity is interesting. I am an optimist and think most people are naturally good. And christians muslims and other theists are basically good people who just try to do their best in life. They just choose to have imaginary friends and believe in myths. The more deranged ones the fundies are dangerous imo, but I have no problem with christians I know, they are nice people.