Brother Jeff Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Bless the Lard! I am pleased to announce that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically inspired me to enter the race for President of the United States! Glory! I am running as an independent candidate. I represent not the Republicans or the Democrats or even the Libertarians - but the One who Croaked in the Spook and Magically Undeadened Himself for us all! I represent KRYASST, and I pledge to do what must be done to restore our nation to the greatness it enjoyed when the Lard and His Word were revered in this country. As your future president, I rest my campaign upon the following Twenty Promises: 1. If elected, I will restore mandatory prayer in our public schools. Our children will start their mornings off right with a humble prayer of thanksgiving before Alrighty Gawd acknowledging His Lardship, followed by the Pledge of Allegiance with the words “UNDER GAWD” clearly stressed. 2. If elected, I pledge that no child will be left spiritually behind. Every child will have the opportunity to hear and respond to the Gospel and receive spiritual counseling, and they will receive a free KJV Bible, courtesy of the new Federal Bible Program, which will be funded through taxes levied against Atheists. 3. Creation Science will be given its rightful place in our public schools, and the teaching of the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution shall cease, with the exception of courses designed by Creation Scientists to expose the many flaws of that Atheist religion. 4. If elected, I pledge to see Biblical Justice implemented in this nation. Homosexuals, adulterers, and disobedient children shall be publicly stoned to death just as the Lard commands. 5. Anyone who dishonors the Holy Farter and works on the Sabbath or dares even to pick up sticks on that Holy Day shall be put to death. 6. Anyone who angers Kryasst by wearing sinful fabrics shall be put to death. 7. Anyone who teaches the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution shall be put to death. 8. Anyone who takes the Lard’s Name in vain shall be put to death. 9. Anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spook shall be put to death and forever damned to Our Lard’s loving Lake of Fire. 10. Witches and sorcerers shall be put to death. 11. Anyone who worships a false god - which is really an evil spook - shall be put to death. 12. Atheists who refuse to convert shall be put to death, as they are immoral and an offense to Gawd and not fit to be citizens of our Christian nation. 13. Anyone who teaches the cosmological heresies that are married with the Satanic Doctrine of Evilution and denies the smallness of our universe or the flatness of our world or the solidness of Our Lard’s great starry firmament shall be put to death. 14. The mentally ill (demoniacs) and those seized by fits shall be put to death, as they have been infested by evil spooks. 15. Anyone who masturbates shall be put to death. 16. Anyone engaging in sex before marriage (which, by definition, is between one woman and one man) shall be put to death. 17. Any married woman who fails to properly submit to her husband as the Lard commands shall be put to death. 18. Anyone who marries a divorced woman shall be put to death, as they will have committed adultery. 19. Any woman who dares to speak in church shall be put to death. 20. Any man who angers Kryasst with his sinfully long hair shall be put to death. Furthermore, if elected, I pledge to integrate Church and State and form the glorious Christian theocracy that our Christian founding fathers clearly envisioned. Glory! Brother Jeff on Some Important Issues Civil Rights There is no more fundamental Christian right than the right to vote. Only followers of our Lard and Slaver Jesus Kryasst have the spiritual capacity to vote. If elected, I will ensure that every Christian in our Christian nation has the right and the ability to vote. Also, if elected, I will see to it that poll taxes and other strong penalties are levied against Atheists and other heathens who attempt to vote in our Christian nation. Defense Our country's greatest military asset is the men and women who wear the uniform of the United Christian States of America. When we do send our men and women into harm’s way during the glorious Crusades I will order as your president, we must also clearly define the mission, prescribe concrete political and military objectives, seek out advice of our military commanders, evaluate the intelligence, plan accordingly, and ensure that our troops have the resources, support, and equipment they need to protect themselves and fulfill their mission for Kryasst. Disabilities Christians with disabilities must have enough faith to be healed, or they will be left to their own devices. Atheists and other heathens with disabilities must be given no rights or privileges under the laws of this Christian nation. Economy As president, Brother Jeff will implement a Christian economic agenda to help ensure that Christians in America can compete in a global economy, and ensure that the Christian middle class is thriving and growing. He will increase investments in infrastructure, energy independence, education, and research and development; modernize and simplify our tax code to favor Christians so it provides greater opportunity and relief to more Christians; and implement trade policies that benefit Christian workers and increase the export of Christian goods. Education Throughout America's Christian history, education has been the vehicle for social and economic mobility, giving hope and opportunity to millions of young Christian people. Our schools must prepare students not only to meet the demands of the Christian economy, but also help Christian students take their place as committed and engaged citizens. It must ensure that all Christian students have a quality education regardless of race, class, or background. Brother Jeff is committed to strengthening our Christian public schools to maximize our Christian country's greatest natural resource - Christian people. Brother Jeff believes that we must equip poor and struggling districts, both rural and urban, with the support and resources they need to provide disadvantaged Christian students with an opportunity to reach their full potential. Too often, our leaders present this issue as an either - or debate, divided between giving our schools more funding, or demanding more accountability. Brother Jeff believes that we have to do both, and has offered innovative ideas to break through the political stalemate in Washington. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Running mate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pratt Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Bro Jeff, welcome back. Question for you, under Bro Jeff creed No. 12, ALL ATHEISTS refused to convert will be put to death, then there will not be any ATHRIST to collect revenue for the Poll Tax and Penalties under the CIVIL RIGHTS 6th Amendment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Running mate? Kryasst in His Holy Spook Bird Form! Glory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Bro Jeff, welcome back. Question for you, under Bro Jeff creed No. 12, ALL ATHEISTS refused to convert will be put to death, then there will not be any ATHRIST to collect revenue for the Poll Tax and Penalties under the CIVIL RIGHTS 6th Amendment. Thanks, Brother! We tax the hell out of the Atheists while they are alive then tax the hell out of their estates after they are dead and burning in the Loving Lake of Fire! Glory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
par4dcourse Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 I'll be yore secatrary of anti-sinfullness. I will inspect every lewd and vile thing those damn sinners are enjoying, so that we may smite them and whatnot. Glory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaNymity Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Oh, Brother Jeff! Your speech made me so proud to be A True American! You give me hope that our country can become what Gawd truly meant for it to be! Just please Brother, pray for me? For after all, I am nothing more than a weak female--a sinful daughter of Eve. Through my wicked weakness, as ashamed as I am to admit it, your rousing speech also made me feel all warm and tingly--and thereby led me to sit upon my Maytag washer, as it went through the spin cycle. This was certainly an offense to Gawd! (However, I must point out the fact that, as a good dutiful wife I must not be derelict in my duties--it was not my fault that my children had accumulated five loads of dirty clothes the day of your speech.) I myself shall pray fervently for the forgiveness of my sins, of that you may rest assured! My soul shall soon be cleansed by the blood of the lamb! So fight onward, dear soldier, I happily anticipate your visit to my town for the convention! I cannot wait until we can pray together in our efforts to bring about the sanctity of our blessed country! (Although, I will only be free for our prayer meetings when my husband goes out bowling, on Tuesdays between 7:00 and 10:00 p.m.) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
expat674 Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 A superbly written parody of why Chrimbos totally miss the point.... Why bother to get angry about important issues like modern day slavery, children dying of hunger, corrupt politicians and their evil banker friends when you get angry about who has sex with whom and when. pwaiiise da Lard bruvvva! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Bro Jeff, LOL. nice post! Re. All this "shall be put to death stuff". Christian speaking "You are in error, of thinking we live under the old testament. We live under the new covenant, where loving Jebus tells us to follow. To follow... all the old testament laws... erm, oh lordy, Im in conflict, I think my head is going to explode!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Jeff, any plans for world Christian domination? Wondering if I want to apply for Secretary of State under your blessed administration! GLORY! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaNymity Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Jeff, any plans for world Christian domination? Wondering if I want to apply for Secretary of State under your blessed administration! GLORY! I'm with Deva! I say "world domination!" But screw the Swiss: I get first dibs on all of the chocolate! Whoo whoo whoo! Prayez Gawd! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaNymity Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Bro Jeff, LOL. nice post! Re. All this "shall be put to death stuff". Christian speaking "You are in error, of thinking we live under the old testament. We live under the new covenant, where loving Jebus tells us to follow. To follow... all the old testament laws... erm, oh lordy, Im in conflict, I think my head is going to explode!!!" <hands Adam a roll of duct tape and then curtsies> Here, this might help with your head. Isn't Brother Jeff just FILLED with the spirit? Wit sharp as a RAZOR. EDIT LATER ON: Aw, jeez, I just realized that I had misread that one. Oh well, Adam, just keep the tape--it's good for a LOT of stuff, If you have duct tape, super glue, and aluminum foil, you can take over the world! Hey, wait a minute, isn't that exactly what Martha Stewart did? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Oh, Brother Jeff! Your speech made me so proud to be A True American! You give me hope that our country can become what Gawd truly meant for it to be! Just please Brother, pray for me? For after all, I am nothing more than a weak female--a sinful daughter of Eve. Through my wicked weakness, as ashamed as I am to admit it, your rousing speech also made me feel all warm and tingly--and thereby led me to sit upon my Maytag washer, as it went through the spin cycle. This was certainly an offense to Gawd! (However, I must point out the fact that, as a good dutiful wife I must not be derelict in my duties--it was not my fault that my children had accumulated five loads of dirty clothes the day of your speech.) I myself shall pray fervently for the forgiveness of my sins, of that you may rest assured! My soul shall soon be cleansed by the blood of the lamb! So fight onward, dear soldier, I happily anticipate your visit to my town for the convention! I cannot wait until we can pray together in our efforts to bring about the sanctity of our blessed country! (Although, I will only be free for our prayer meetings when my husband goes out bowling, on Tuesdays between 7:00 and 10:00 p.m.) +0.5 (if I gave a woman a full +1, she may get uppity) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaNymity Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Oh, Brother Jeff! Your speech made me so proud to be A True American! You give me hope that our country can become what Gawd truly meant for it to be! Just please Brother, pray for me? For after all, I am nothing more than a weak female--a sinful daughter of Eve. Through my wicked weakness, as ashamed as I am to admit it, your rousing speech also made me feel all warm and tingly--and thereby led me to sit upon my Maytag washer, as it went through the spin cycle. This was certainly an offense to Gawd! (However, I must point out the fact that, as a good dutiful wife I must not be derelict in my duties--it was not my fault that my children had accumulated five loads of dirty clothes the day of your speech.) I myself shall pray fervently for the forgiveness of my sins, of that you may rest assured! My soul shall soon be cleansed by the blood of the lamb! So fight onward, dear soldier, I happily anticipate your visit to my town for the convention! I cannot wait until we can pray together in our efforts to bring about the sanctity of our blessed country! (Although, I will only be free for our prayer meetings when my husband goes out bowling, on Tuesdays between 7:00 and 10:00 p.m.) +0.5 (if I gave a woman a full +1, she may get uppity) mcdaddy! Another whoo hoo! I just now realized that my verbal diarhhea brought me up to 20 posts--I'm now a regular member and I can see the little voting doohickies, so I know where the votes are generated! DOH, nooo, I don't feel stupid at ALL. But, Yeehaw anyway! But, +0.5?!? Don't make me bitch slap you bald, boy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Decreased to 0.1 for being uppity. :op 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaiser01 Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Sounds like north korea, kids pray to kim jong un every morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Just for Bro Jeff and where he hails from. Must go with teh Vee Pee St. Sarah. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaNymity Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Decreased to 0.1 for being uppity. :op Sorry--but the only response that I have to THAT is to thank everyone here again, for making me laugh so spontaneously so much. It's been a damn LONG time since I've laughed this much. Of course, I'd probably be feeling less generous, is I had snorted the Coke that I was drinking while I read your post out my nose though, when it made me laugh. (You can have no idea of just how much that I WISH that I was kidding about that.) The milk out my nose the other day was BAD enough, but Coke snorted up/through your nose!? I've heard that's what they do to prisoners in Mexican jails that won't confess! No, wait a minute: I think that was actually Atlantic City. . . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Or your need for rhinoplastic surgery. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
centauri Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I was going to recommend John Hagee as a running mate but he's too moderate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I was going to recommend John Hagee as a running mate but he's too moderate. Funny! Maybe Pat Robertson for ambassador to Dumbfuckistan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I was going to recommend John Hagee as a running mate but he's too moderate. Lol. The fat sweating pig foaming at the mouth. Gluttony is a sin, apparently Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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