Carolyn Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Hi all, I've written an article on here and replied in the forums once or twice, although mostly I just lurk. It's good to read the stories from other asylum escapees. Today I'm freaking out completely. Tomorrow I get on a plane to see my ultraconservative Evangelical family AND all their churchy friends -- after five years of not visiting at all -- at my parents' anniversary party. I don't interact with my family all that much, I live over 2000 miles away and have kept my distance for over 25 years, mainly because their proselytizing and emotional manipulation makes me completely insane. After all these years I still haven't managed to get my system free of all the toxins. My older brother bought my ticket as an incentive and has so far used ancient family guilt tricks (why do I fall for them at my age?!) to not just get me to come but to get me to stay with my parents. It's only a long weekend, but already I feel like I've lost a million miles of adult ground. I anticipate an ambush at some point, a family intervention to corner the wayward prodigal and try to force-feed her the Bread of Life. Frankly I'm dreading the whole thing, and hope I can find a way to drink on the sly. Do any of you have any advice, any tricks for dealing with getting your buttons pushed hard by the folks who 'programmed' you? I've thought about using irony as a sort of inside joke to myself, a language my mother does NOT speak and the others may not understand, if done correctly. For instance, today my brother attempted to chastise my 'selfishness' by reminding me 'who this weekend is really about.' I thought of saying, deadpan, "I'm impressed by how godly you are, and feel chastened." It feels deliciously mean and 'wicked' and may be the only way I can get through the f-ing weekend. Advice, anyone? How do you deal with the holy holies? Thanks, Carolyn B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voice Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Just smile and nod. Don't argue anything, just smile and nod. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Going back to our families of origin seems to often bring out the worst in everything. Adults become children again, the old manipulation regimes get under our skin, boundaries are run over roughshod, and we seem to regress into the person we are running from. I suggest: Nod and agree Offer to help make good food (since you like cooking) Keep busy Disappear as needed (to Starbucks, the mall, the woods, etc.) Affirm yourself!! Daily affirmations in the mirror Remind yourself "And this too shall pass!" Let us know how it goes! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted June 7, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted June 7, 2012 Don't waste your time and energy discussing religion or politics with them. You'll just get yourself upset -- and they are not worth it! As the old saying goes, Don’t argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. BTW, I still have to remind myself of that on a daily basis! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRoper Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 I have a similar problem. My thought is to try and come up with what you think they are going to come out with and prepare a sentence for each thing that redirects the conversation. It can be as simple as, "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom." Bring a flask w a clear non-smelly liqueur & do a shot while you are in there. Redirect Change the subject Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VacuumFlux Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Not knowing you personally, here's the advice I'd give to myself in a similar situation. Do as much as you can to be self-sufficient for transportation. They've paid for the plane tickets, they're "giving" you a place to stay, and they've made it clear that it is not a gift, that there are strings attached. So maybe rent a car and drive yourself to the events, so you're not trapped in the car with someone who's going to want to preach at you. If you don't want to rent a car, make sure there's some way (on foot, public transportation, whatever) to go places to get away when you need to. Since the tickets are already bought this may not be an issue, but make sure you've got something that you need to get back home for in case they try to guilt you into staying a few extra days. If you do need to get out of the house and feel that you need to inform them of where you are going, be sure you do not phrase it as a question. You are an adult and do not need their permission. If they get upset about that, do not apologise. Be wary of them trying to push you into any new commitments that you're not sure about (like "we've missed you; please call us more often" or extra church services that weren't agreed on in advance... will you be there sunday morning and will they expect you to go to services with them?); it might be easy to agree at the time just to get them to leave you alone. So think about what you're saying, and whether they're trying to corner you into something they can claim you've promised to do. I'd also recommend keeping in touch with sane friends while you're gone. Maybe it's just an e-mail or two for your own sanity, to remind you of your own adult life. If your family is getting a little too controlling it might be useful to, say, make a phone call in such a way that they'd be aware of it (but not during the party or anything rude like that; I mean more like downtime at your parents' house when everyone's busy with their own things) as a gentle reminder to them that you've got your own life. If they get aggressively preachy, call them on it. Remind them that you're here to celebrate a special occasion. Try to bring the conversation back to your parents' anniversary and happy things. Depending on the situation, you could even turn it around on the person (this works better if it's one of the non-parent family members) and say that you don't want to ruin your parents' party with a fight (but be prepared for them to pull out the "well why can't you be nice to your parents and just believe everything they want you to?"). Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Have some ideas in the back of your mind about how to handle issues IF they come up, but don't let your worries show. Act like the adult you want them to see you as. Act strong and confident and unafraid. If they can tell that you're feeling more child-like and vulnerable they will likely take advantage of it, so don't give them an opening. You deserve to be able to celebrate a special occasion with your family in a happy manner. Don't act like a prodigal around them or their friends; confuse them all by being content and happy without their god. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stryper Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Actually I think being the Daria of your family would be a great defense mechanism. at least it'll keep you amused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolyn Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Thanks for all the good feedback, everyone. I agree that being able to "escape" will be critical. I won't have a car, but can certainly take walks if I need to. The squeaky-clean party itself will be in downtown Boston, so I may duck out and do a shot at a nearby bar! Going "home" DOES bring out the child in us all, doesn't it? I guess that's what I'm worried about most: regressing. I'll try the redirecting thing. They know not to ask me to go to church with them, at least. "Acting strong, confident, and unafraid" -- man, I wish I could do that in everyday life! I'm at a point in my life where I'm not particularly happy or thriving, so it sucks doubly to be subject to their Shiny Happy Victorious Christian shtick. Sigh. It IS only a long weekend. This too shall pass. What's a good affirmation for an ex-Christian? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stryper Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 my life is my choice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRoper Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Thanks for all the good feedback, everyone. I agree that being able to "escape" will be critical. I won't have a car, but can certainly take walks if I need to. The squeaky-clean party itself will be in downtown Boston, so I may duck out and do a shot at a nearby bar! Going "home" DOES bring out the child in us all, doesn't it? I guess that's what I'm worried about most: regressing. I'll try the redirecting thing. They know not to ask me to go to church with them, at least. "Acting strong, confident, and unafraid" -- man, I wish I could do that in everyday life! I'm at a point in my life where I'm not particularly happy or thriving, so it sucks doubly to be subject to their Shiny Happy Victorious Christian shtick. Sigh. It IS only a long weekend. This too shall pass. What's a good affirmation for an ex-Christian? The redirecting thing takes practice. I talk with my therapist about it all the time, she is always encouraging me to do it, even after I explain to her how difficult my Mom is. So having some ideas before you get there will be helpful. I don't know any encouraging affirmations. All I can say is be proud of who you are and the choices you made, don't let their judgmentmental behavior get you down, don't give them any of your power. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenerGal Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I'm good enough (without religion), I'm smart enough (without belief), and doggonit, people like me! (Because they really do!) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I'm good enough (without religion), I'm smart enough (without belief), and doggonit, people like me! (Because they really do!) Nice one Stuart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolyn Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 LOL! I love Stuart Smalley! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3DollarBill Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 You'll be fine. I do this waaaay more often. Enjoy their company, don't engage in discussion about religion. If your family functions are anything like mine they're extremely chaotic and you can simply move to another room without attracting attention. You can make it through this without regressing, have confidence in yourself. Now, if your worst fears come true and they stage an intervention...leave. Just fucking leave. Don't say anything, just go. You don't have to put up with that. Pack your shit go to a motel and bitch about it on here while you wait for your flight home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I used to drink myself into oblivion the night before. Then roll down the car window and barf onto the road as the car is speeding along the highway...then spend the whole family gathering in the toilet puking my brains out. Effective, but not highly recommended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolyn Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 Off I go...thanks for the good words. My life is my choice, and I'm good enough (without religion), I'm smart enough (without belief), and doggonit, people like me! (Because they really do!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRoper Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Keep us posted, I want to hear how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zaphod Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I hope things went well! I had a similar moment of dread when I got a Facebook invitation to a reunion of the student ministry at the church I attended the first time I went to college. Lots of old friends would have been there, but I chickened out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolyn Posted July 4, 2012 Author Share Posted July 4, 2012 Holy moly, I forgot to reply to this when I got back. I only got put on the spot twice: a missionary asked me "So what does God have you doing these days?" and my four-year old nephew asked, "Aunt Carolyn, why aren't you praying?" This latter instance happened at bedtime prayers, so I was able to say "We can talk about that another time, honey, when it isn't time for bed." (Even my brother backed me up, in a way, by sort of snorting a laugh and saying "Yeah, that might take a while.") As for the missionary, I told him what I did for a living and then excused myself to go to the restroom. No family "interventions" or other such unpleasantness...but with my mother I never know what to expect. Thanks for the moral support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrotherJosh Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I have to go to my grandparent's 65th wedding anniversary in Spokompton at the end of July. I am going mainly for them (their health is failing) but my fundy family will be there, as well. Luckily, I have some extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) who are pretty easy going. It's always good to family member who you can tag along with, if at all possible. Nodding and smiling works too, just keep to yourself, which is what I do. Also, since my grandparents are teetotalers I have to find somewhere to cope via drinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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