So Much For My Extended Leave...

[Zephie]

So a few days ago, I decided to leave Ex-C for a while. I've got a lot going on but it's probably no more than what others have been through. That's why I am here. All of us have been through circumstances that at one time or another have been unbearable. I've been unemployed for nearly two months and it is my fault. When my temp assignment ended in April, I had another job lined up. It was a good job although part-time that paid as much as what I was making full-time. However, the majority of the job involved math and I panicked and called in and quit. *FACE PALM* Shortly before that I was informed that I had gotten abnormal results on my pap and would need further testing. All of the research that I did on the internet led me to the conclusion that I have HPV. I've only been with three people so any of them could have given it to me...even using safety measures (which admittedly I didn't always do). Well, I had my exam and now I am waiting to find out if it is pre-cancerous and if so how bad and what treatment they will need. That alone is enough. I feel dirty and used. I don't know that I can trust myself in a relationship again unless it is completely monogamous....which leads me to my next circumstance. All of this is my doing by the way....totally preventable. I moved in with my ex-boyfriend in March...we were totally head over heals but all of that changed half-way through April. He is no longer attracted to me and I've basically been replaced by erm...other types of entertainment.... if you know what I mean. There's been this complete disconnect. Normally, I wouldn't mind him viewing that as it seems that most men do but as long as it didn't replace me I was cool with it. I was even willing to try the open relationship thing that he wanted as well. Now that isn't going to happen for safety reasons as I see it.

 

He is a great guy but living with him has become an awkward daily dance of massive discomfort. Everytime he takes care of business all I can think about is how I am not good enough, pretty enough, whatever-just not his version of enough. I've become snide, rude, and bitter. The best thing for me to do is move out. He has not asked me to move out but I am thinking that it would be the best option. He is a great roommate but I'm not handling us not being together well anymore. I thought I could but I can't at least not us living together. My attitude is hurting our friendship since we are good friends. I've told him that once I find a job, I'll move out since I know that I won't be able to handle him dating someone else. Because I am unemployed my options are to move home. While I'd have to go back to church, I wouldn't be in this awkward situation.

 

Basically, I am a mess. I need to get my shit straight because this whole negative thing is not me. Not at all. One good thing that has happened so far is that I've been declared medically indigent, meaning I can't pay for my own health care, which means that I will have access to treatment, maybe even the psychological treatment I need. The past couple of months I've struggled with suicidal thoughts even going so far as to look up dosages and what not although I haven't acted on it nor have I scratched up my arms which is a miracle in and of itself. So yes, I need help and as soon as I can get it I will. I have hope that things will get better although I am afraid of moving home again as I will feel like a failure but I don't know that living with him is doing either of us any good. I've tried to be affectionate to gain his attentions back but to no avail. I've got issues and I really need to take care of as much of my shit as I can before I can even consider another relationship or even relationships in general. I'm concerned that if I move back I'll return to fundyland mentally but I doubt it. I'll just be my chameleon self again.

 

Thanks for reading. My "extended leave" is over, Ex-C is part of my online family and leaving ya'll behind would be like not talking to my close friends.

[Thurisaz]

(((((Zephie)))))

 

Really sounds like tough times. Hang on, as long as you still breathe things can get better.

 

In the meantime, make yourself comfortable in your favorite chair and I'll get you a horn of welcome mead

[Zephie]

Can I make a toast?

[Thurisaz]

Skol!

[LivingLife]

Going back home does not mean you are a failure. I did it twice and I turned out OK. As for the medical side, that sucks but glad it was caught in time. I hope the tests are negative as three partners is not that many.

[Blue elephant]

Hey Zephie

 

Abnormal pap smear results are reasonably common. So is getting HPV. Try not to worry at this point in time. I remember my gynaecologist once telling me about nuns getting HPV and having abnormal pap smear tests. Why did he tell me this? Because I had an abnormal pap smear once. Your religious background is probably making you react with more fear and loathing than the non religious folk.

 

Your boyfriend is starting to sound like he is immature and selfish. He might turn out to be an OK person when he is older, but just at the moment he is being an insensitive jerk. I can almost guarantee that there is nothing deficient about you in all of this. You need to get away from him - and don't contact him as a friend for quite a while. He is causing needless damage to your self esteem at the moment.

 

You just need to find some better friends and boyfriends.

 

And .... young people often move out of home and then move back in again. There is even a name for the phenomenon in newspaper articles. It is called the 'revolving door' syndrome. I think waht happens is that the young adult children move out for longer and longer periods and move back in for shorter and shorter periods. My daughters have been doing this for a few years now.

 

Seems like several problems have hit you all at once. Try and unpick them one by one.

[Adam5]

Hi Zephie, when you are young there is usually plenty of opportunities that turn up to turn things around for the good. All the best.

 

See. I resisted invoking imaginary friends then cheers Adam

[blackpudd1n]

Hey Zephie

 

I agree with BlueElephant- your ex-boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Trust me. And the whole living together as flatmates thing won't work out, either- I've been there and done that, too, and the jerk moved out one day while I was out, and left me to pay $285 a week rent. I got his share back off him, though. But when your emotions are all over the place, it's best that you just get out of there, because it will just aggravate you.

 

Also, BlueElephant was right about the pap smears. Don't get too worried about HPV- 80% of people will get it in their lifetime. Generally, the body overcomes the virus within 1-2 years. Most people don't even realise they have it when they do, because they show no symptoms. While it is problematic for women, due to it causing cervical cancer, on average it takes 10 years for the cells to progress through the three stages to get to the cancer stage, so if you have your pap smears regularly, even if abnormal cells are found, they are easily treated long before becoming cancerous. I've had the procedure done myself, because abnormal cells were found. I just had my cervix lasered, as I was at the first stage. It was a day procedure, and it has 98% effectiveness. I haven't had any problems since, though I can't say I enjoyed the four colposcopies afterwards to check that everything was okay. They're just awkward, more than anything else.

 

And to wrap up... You live, and you learn. You're going to be okay.

 

Sending hugs,

 

Pudd

[mwc]

Well, I think we'd be pretty shitty people if we expected you to deal with us before you took care of yourself. Do what you gotta do.

 

mwc

[buffettphan]

I can't think of anything else to add to the already great comments, so I'll just give you another ((((BIG HUG)))). I know things are looking bleak right now, but it will get better! YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!

[Zephie]

Thanks ya'll. I talked to a close friend of ours about what's been going on and she did explain some things to me about what he's been through. However, it doesn't change my mind about moving out being the best thing. Thankfully, he owns his house and I don't pay rent or anything. I've been out of work for a bit and he's been paying for things. He hasn't asked me to pay him back for anything although I've offered numerous times. He is a good friend but this one area that I mentioned in my OP is a big issue. So even though I've got this new insight from a mutual friend, I don't want to be a bitch to him about things and it will be better for me to move out.

Thanks for the hugs. Ya'll are awesome!

[Margee]

Everytime he takes care of business all I can think about is how I am not good enough, pretty enough, whatever-just not his version of enough. I've become snide, rude, and bitter.

 

You've come home my lovely!! I for one am sooo glad to see you again! I am glad you need us, cause we need you too!!

 

Others have given great support here today. I just wanted to comment on this statement above. I have allowed others to 'define' me for years. I never felt 'enough' for anyone, including the invisable god. It is only at this late stage of the game for me that I am even beginning to feel 'enough'. This is a feeling only we can give to ourselves. I am very lucky to have a few people in my life who love me unconditionally even though I can't love myself that way. Somehow, I always felt ashamed of who I was. That is the perfect 'door' for people to walk through and take advantage of. Shame is a horrible thing.

 

The more I accept my flaws and throw out all the bullshit of needing to be so fucking perfect - the more I can love who I am and not allow myself to be abused anymore, by anyone who doesn't respect me enough. I have people in my life who tell me I am good enough to be loved even when I'm a friggin' mess with past issues that continue to haunt me. They are helping me to love myself back to health!! If you can't find anyone close to do that for you in your community - we at EX-c will !!

 

You are a wonderful, smart girl and I KNOW you are smart enough to figure out what to do with your life. We'll just be here to guide you along!! You are enough!!

 

Good to see you my darling.

[MrsRoper]

Put yourself first Zephie, you are great.

[TrailBlazer]

[HUGS] Sounds like a pretty awkwardly rough time. I had to move back home too, it happens. You'll be okay. Who knows, maybe interacting with people at church might not be a totally bad thing if you're an extrovert. Or you can always come rant here - we could use the laughs too! lol

 

Sounds like you'll get your health issues all taken care of- HOORAY! Stay positive Zephie.

[TrueFreedom]

Welcome back, (((Zephie)))!!!

[Zephie]

Thanks ya'll.

 

@ Margie...you are so right....everyone is. I talked to a mutual friend of ours about what was going on and she assured me that this had very little to do with me especially given what's been going on. She told me to stop doubting myself and to tell myself only good things regarding me. Yeah, so while I'm not perfect, I am good enough. I can't help attraction but I can make sure that I don't put myself in situations that can be incredibly damaging to my self-esteem.

 

 

 

(((((((Ex-C!))))))

[Guest Valk0010]

Really good to see you lady.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hi Zephie, welcome back, and please receive a cyber hug from me, too! It's great that you are now able to have better access to health care (Medicaid? my father is on that and it is a great blessing). I don't have anything concrete to add to the excellent responses and advice above. People I know in their twenties have been in and out of parents' homes, too, so not such a big deal if necessary for a while.

 

[Akheia]

Welcome back, Zeph. (((HUGS)))

 

It sounds like you're doing what you need to do. I'm really glad to hear the HPV got caught before it could turn into something dangerous, and you've got access to healthcare now. Your ex-BF sounds like he's got some issues and I really hope you're not going to have to move back home. I hope something else emerges as an option for you. Good luck, sweetie. We're here for you.

[Zephie]

I moved home with my parents today. I don't think they expect me to go to church at any rate, my best friend is moving in three weeks...after that I'm going to find a liberal denomination or *gasp* attend Mass (I prefer the quiet meditation before hand) of they do mention that I have to go to church. My dad is playing on the worship team now as their drummer and I'm going to go tomorrow to support him and bask in his awesomeness....I mean my dad has one friggin hand and he can play the drums. He's a badass!

 

My ex and I were good friends before we dated and will continue to be so. After talking to a close friend of ours I was able to get some insight about some things and understand that he's got issues and I've got issues. We may date occassionally. He really is a great guy and a giving guy as well. After hearing what he's been through with other people I understand some things that I didn't before. I know it's cryptic but some stories aren't mine to tell. He helped me move and I'm going to his house tomorrow to watch True Blood (oh Sookie!) and hang out. It's all gonna get better. It usually does.