openpalm45 Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 Do you ever feel so depressed, you feel like you cant breathe? Today is one of those days. Ive been doing better, because Im working on making some changes in my life, but Im still in the middle of it, and it has been especially hard today. I just feel stuck, lost, and alone. I mentioned in a previous thread that I am having an identity crisis since leaving christianity. I am feeling that way more and more. I feel like I dont know who I am. I dont know what I want. I have few people I can really talk to about this.. if any. No one seems to understand. I just feel lost and alone. I just want to stay in bed all day, but of course that only makes me feel worse. But I feel like I have no hope. I have no god who wants me to succeed. No friend who understands. No one to be with me during this time. Where has my strength gone? I just feel like giving up. I wont. But today is just a rough day. A really rough day. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 You're not alone OpenPalm. You're looking into the abyss. Many have been where you now are. My (unsolicited) advice is to be patient with yourself. Give your own self plenty of time and space to figure things out. And you're always welcome to PM me if you wish. Please hang in there. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exevolt Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 That's happened sometimes to me but once you stop caring about "Is god watching you, wanting you to succeed?" stuff you'll feel better. Not many people can definitly say they know what they want outside of Life, Liberty, Happyness. As for who YOU are, just take some time and ponder on that yourself, as only you know you and can determine who you are. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 You are your own god, and your own best friend. I know this lonliness feels so horrible, its like someone scoops out your soul and you are a mere shell of a person. I have suffered from severe depression most of my life, because I realiseded early on I really am alone. We are sometimes lucky enough to have other people around us to take us in their arms, but the truth of life is we have to face the truth about being alone. And it isnt a bad thing. Now I put my arms physically around myself, hug myself and say its gonna be okay baby. And it is. For you too. Sending lots of love and hugs and care your way 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 A few quotes for you OpenPalm... “Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about ~where~ we shall land, but rather on the belief that we ~shall~ land.” Carter Heyward “Man looks in the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.” Hal Holbrook 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Thanks Legion, I might message you in a bit... Galien, the sad thing is, I used to embrace being alone. Before I got super into christianity. I remember that I used to listen to Bright Eye's song Lua, where it says "When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend." and instead of feeling despair, I felt... I dont know. Comforted. Good. Happy. Content. Pleased with myself and with life. I have longed to get back to that place, but I dont know how. I dont know if christianity fucked me up, or if it was something else. But I dont feel good about being alone anymore. Its not a comforting thought, to be my own best friend. I want to feel that way again... Thank you for the love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 A few quotes for you OpenPalm... “Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about ~where~ we shall land, but rather on the belief that we ~shall~ land.” Carter Heyward “Man looks in the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.” Hal Holbrook Thanks, Legion. Its something to think about... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 Thanks, Legion. Its something to think about... You're welcome OpenPalm. Do you know how courageous you are? Do you know how many people never gaze into the abyss and instead fill their lives with distractions? You're awesome in my book. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Valk0010 Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 You will survive, it may take you a real long ass time, but you will survive this and beat it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Thanks, Legion. Its something to think about... You're welcome OpenPalm. Do you know how courageous you are? Do you know how many people never gaze into the abyss and instead fill their lives with distractions? You're awesome in my book. Thanks, Legion. I dont feel courageous. I feel like a mess! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I dont feel courageous. I feel like a mess! So too do all heros to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted June 11, 2012 Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2012 Do you ever feel so depressed, you feel like you cant breathe? Today is one of those days. Ive been doing better, because Im working on making some changes in my life, but Im still in the middle of it, and it has been especially hard today. I just feel stuck, lost, and alone. I mentioned in a previous thread that I am having an identity crisis since leaving christianity. I am feeling that way more and more. I feel like I dont know who I am. I dont know what I want. I have few people I can really talk to about this.. if any. No one seems to understand. I just feel lost and alone. I just want to stay in bed all day, but of course that only makes me feel worse. But I feel like I have no hope. I have no god who wants me to succeed. No friend who understands. No one to be with me during this time. Where has my strength gone? I just feel like giving up. I wont. But today is just a rough day. A really rough day. Oh my sweetie....here's a big, fat hug for you. I sure can relate hon. I am the type of person that WANTS and NEEDS to know the outcome of all situations - right now!! I have always been like this! Even when I truly served the lord - he was much too slow getting back to me to reasure me about whatever I 'prayed' for. I am a little control freak and I admit it!! There, I said it!! One of the biggest reasons I can go into depression is because of this ...wanting to know RIGHT NOW what the 'outcome' of my future will be. I want to know who I am, where I'm goin' and what's at the edge of the big bang!! And I want to know now!! I'm exhausted from it all. I have to stop controlling and I am trying to practice this. I am trying to relax and let things 'flow'. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I have to create a good attitude along with it. Can you see yourself doing this hon? If it is one of the problems you might be facing......Why not make a decision to relax a little and give your mind a vacation. Your answers are going to come one at a time when you least expect it. You will know what to do and how to handle it, cause you are such a smart girl!! Don't stop posting hon, cause someone on this board is going to say something to your heart that will 'resonate' and make you feel better!! That's why I keep comin' back. We love you my dear........Breathe.......it's gonna be OK. Love to you tonight!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Do you ever feel so depressed, you feel like you cant breathe? Today is one of those days. Ive been doing better, because Im working on making some changes in my life, but Im still in the middle of it, and it has been especially hard today. I just feel stuck, lost, and alone. I mentioned in a previous thread that I am having an identity crisis since leaving christianity. I am feeling that way more and more. I feel like I dont know who I am. I dont know what I want. I have few people I can really talk to about this.. if any. No one seems to understand. I just feel lost and alone. I just want to stay in bed all day, but of course that only makes me feel worse. But I feel like I have no hope. I have no god who wants me to succeed. No friend who understands. No one to be with me during this time. Where has my strength gone? I just feel like giving up. I wont. But today is just a rough day. A really rough day. Oh my sweetie....here's a big, fat hug for you. I sure can relate hon. I am the type of person that WANTS and NEEDS to know the outcome of all situations - right now!! I have always been like this! Even when I truly served the lord - he was much too slow getting back to me to reasure me about whatever I 'prayed' for. I am a little control freak and I admit it!! There, I said it!! One of the biggest reasons I can go into depression is because of this ...wanting to know RIGHT NOW what the 'outcome' of my future will be. I want to know who I am, where I'm goin' and what's at the edge of the big bang!! And I want to know now!! I'm exhausted from it all. I have to stop controlling and I am trying to practice this. I am trying to relax and let things 'flow'. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I have to create a good attitude along with it. Can you see yourself doing this hon? If it is one of the problems you might be facing......Why not make a decision to relax a little and give your mind a vacation. Your answers are going to come one at a time when you least expect it. You will know what to do and how to handle it, cause you are such a smart girl!! Don't stop posting hon, cause someone on this board is going to say something to your heart that will 'resonate' and make you feel better!! That's why I keep comin' back. We love you my dear........Breathe.......it's gonna be OK. Love to you tonight!! Well, I reached my quote for positive votes today. That happens to me a lot. Anyways, thanks Margie. You are always very encouraging. I definitely relate to what you said. I think when I was a christian I didnt need to know the end so much because I "knew God was taking care of it." So I could just let it be (and I didnt make much of my own decisions based on what I wanted... which I am only just now learning how to do. I feel like a child in this sense, stuck in a world of adults a grown up decisions.) Now that I am responsible for my life and how things end up, I want to know HOW THINGS WILL END UP. I want to know what career is right for me. I want to know when I should go back to school, and where I should go back to school, and what to study. I want to know if I am in the right relationship. I want to know if I am going to get hurt, or hurt someone else. I want to know if I will get married. If I even WANT to get married. I want to know if I should/will/want to have kids. And when I should have them. And with whom. And will we marry? Will we divorce? Will I be financially stable? I want to be a good person. I want to be happy. I want to make other people happy. I want to have adventures. I want to make love. I want to be free. I want to find something I am good at. I want to work hard. I want to make the world a better place. But instead Im stuck in my thoughts, my depression, my fear, and my loneliness. I think you are right when you say I need to give my mind a vacation. But then, how do I get better? How do I figure any of this out, or at least figure out how to deal? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted June 11, 2012 Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2012 Do you ever feel so depressed, you feel like you cant breathe? Today is one of those days. Ive been doing better, because Im working on making some changes in my life, but Im still in the middle of it, and it has been especially hard today. I just feel stuck, lost, and alone. I mentioned in a previous thread that I am having an identity crisis since leaving christianity. I am feeling that way more and more. I feel like I dont know who I am. I dont know what I want. I have few people I can really talk to about this.. if any. No one seems to understand. I just feel lost and alone. I just want to stay in bed all day, but of course that only makes me feel worse. But I feel like I have no hope. I have no god who wants me to succeed. No friend who understands. No one to be with me during this time. Where has my strength gone? I just feel like giving up. I wont. But today is just a rough day. A really rough day. Oh my sweetie....here's a big, fat hug for you. I sure can relate hon. I am the type of person that WANTS and NEEDS to know the outcome of all situations - right now!! I have always been like this! Even when I truly served the lord - he was much too slow getting back to me to reasure me about whatever I 'prayed' for. I am a little control freak and I admit it!! There, I said it!! One of the biggest reasons I can go into depression is because of this ...wanting to know RIGHT NOW what the 'outcome' of my future will be. I want to know who I am, where I'm goin' and what's at the edge of the big bang!! And I want to know now!! I'm exhausted from it all. I have to stop controlling and I am trying to practice this. I am trying to relax and let things 'flow'. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I have to create a good attitude along with it. Can you see yourself doing this hon? If it is one of the problems you might be facing......Why not make a decision to relax a little and give your mind a vacation. Your answers are going to come one at a time when you least expect it. You will know what to do and how to handle it, cause you are such a smart girl!! Don't stop posting hon, cause someone on this board is going to say something to your heart that will 'resonate' and make you feel better!! That's why I keep comin' back. We love you my dear........Breathe.......it's gonna be OK. Love to you tonight!! Well, I reached my quote for positive votes today. That happens to me a lot. Anyways, thanks Margie. You are always very encouraging. I definitely relate to what you said. I think when I was a christian I didnt need to know the end so much because I "knew God was taking care of it." So I could just let it be (and I didnt make much of my own decisions based on what I wanted... which I am only just now learning how to do. I feel like a child in this sense, stuck in a world of adults a grown up decisions.) Now that I am responsible for my life and how things end up, I want to know HOW THINGS WILL END UP. I want to know what career is right for me. I want to know when I should go back to school, and where I should go back to school, and what to study. I want to know if I am in the right relationship. I want to know if I am going to get hurt, or hurt someone else. I want to know if I will get married. If I even WANT to get married. I want to know if I should/will/want to have kids. And when I should have them. And with whom. And will we marry? Will we divorce? Will I be financially stable? I want to be a good person. I want to be happy. I want to make other people happy. I want to have adventures. I want to make love. I want to be free. I want to find something I am good at. I want to work hard. I want to make the world a better place. But instead Im stuck in my thoughts, my depression, my fear, and my loneliness. I think you are right when you say I need to give my mind a vacation. But then, how do I get better? How do I figure any of this out, or at least figure out how to deal? I believe personally that you yourself will answer your own 'prayers'... and the answer to a lot of those things you mentioned above, you will intuitively know what to do...they will be the same answers that we thought god gave us...Yes, No and Wait. YOU will know when to say 'Yes'.. YOU will know when to say 'No'.... and YOU will know when to say 'Wait'. Don't be afraid of making a few mistakes along the way. This is all part of life. Making mistakes helps us to gain wisdom. You are a very wise girl and that wisdom WILL come out of you. We are here to help each other hon! Remember that!! Take one minute at a time if you have to, but breathe lightly tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Thanks Margee. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 OP, I feel ya girl, trust me, I feel ya. I have my share of days where I feel like if it weren't for my kids and wife, I'd be fine with just speeding up the process, if you know what I mean. I don't know if it's cuz I feel so let down by my previous religion, or disappointed with te way things have gone the last few years. But I realize this is my only shot at life, and learning about this "reality" is what makes me tick. I'm lucky to have consciousness- we all are. While it can be a curse as well as a blessing, the trick is to look at your life as something that took billions of years to create- and to me, that's beautiful. Try and find peace with the universe- maybe meditation will work, or volunteering with the less fortunate. Just don't let the hate that, quite frankly, you're entitled to, grow. Don't give up hope- were here for ya girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agnosticator Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 But I feel like I have no hope. I have no god who wants me to succeed. No friend who understands. I feel like I dont know who I am. I dont know what I want. It sucks to be an Ex-Christian, at first. You lost your comfort zone, and are now in an identity crisis. You (like all of us here) lost a world view that dictates what we are to think of ourselves and our place in the world. But you are way ahead of where I was at your age. It took me years to escape the mind control to find myself again. If you can find who you were (or who you were becoming) before all that, you'll feel hopeful. I learned the hard way, to trust my gut feelings about who I am and what I value doing in my life. It's hard, but you have to do this alone. Others tend to be a distraction while in the process. You can do it! You have people here that will listen, and give you their shoulders to cry on. This is an amazing site! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stryper Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Yes....Then I dropped the knife in the sink, sat on the futon and cried myself to sleep. The next day the sun rose. And the day after. And the day after. Choose to live.....the how to will come with time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 It's a phase that I went through also, certainly. I'm so happy for you that you're doing it at your age - it's much more complicated when you've been married 19 years and have 18 and 16 year old sons. I've had to reassure myself many a time that the moment that I'm currently living in is going okay, and to not worry about what is going to happen in the next moment. As Stryper mentioned, a damn good cry goes a long way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Oh, I had a damn good cry earlier. It definitely helped. I may have cried the hardest I have ever cried... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Openpalm, You are not alone. Virtually everyone on here who has been your age has felt the same way. You are young and still trying to get a foot in the world and make a name for yourself. The decisions, people, and situations of life, being new are like looking up at giant redwood trees. Rest assured, you will come through it. All of us who are older have. Nobody but you can really find the answers to the riddles of your life but they will come. Sometimes the best thing to do is not to actively try to find them, but to wait and they will come along. Just don't take any unneeded shit from anyone and don't let them see you sweat. You will do fine.... Thanks BO. I would love to hear some stories of how you guys handled this rough time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 OP, I feel ya girl, trust me, I feel ya. I have my share of days where I feel like if it weren't for my kids and wife, I'd be fine with just speeding up the process, if you know what I mean. I don't know if it's cuz I feel so let down by my previous religion, or disappointed with te way things have gone the last few years. But I realize this is my only shot at life, and learning about this "reality" is what makes me tick. I'm lucky to have consciousness- we all are. While it can be a curse as well as a blessing, the trick is to look at your life as something that took billions of years to create- and to me, that's beautiful. Try and find peace with the universe- maybe meditation will work, or volunteering with the less fortunate. Just don't let the hate that, quite frankly, you're entitled to, grow. Don't give up hope- were here for ya girl. Thanks mcdaddy. I hope it goes well for you. Im glad you have your wife and kids, and you are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 But I feel like I have no hope. I have no god who wants me to succeed. No friend who understands. I feel like I dont know who I am. I dont know what I want. It sucks to be an Ex-Christian, at first. You lost your comfort zone, and are now in an identity crisis. You (like all of us here) lost a world view that dictates what we are to think of ourselves and our place in the world. But you are way ahead of where I was at your age. It took me years to escape the mind control to find myself again. If you can find who you were (or who you were becoming) before all that, you'll feel hopeful. I learned the hard way, to trust my gut feelings about who I am and what I value doing in my life. It's hard, but you have to do this alone. Others tend to be a distraction while in the process. You can do it! You have people here that will listen, and give you their shoulders to cry on. This is an amazing site! Thanks agnosticator. " If you can find who you were (or who you were becoming) before all that, you'll feel hopeful" I am definitely working on that. I think that is a major key. Thanks for your post. This site IS amazing! I dont know what I would do without you guys. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Depression is the most awful feeling. I am fairly sure it is more common in people who are Christian or have been Christian. Here is an online resource that may help you. It is run by the Australian National University, which is one of the most prestigious universities in Australia (government uni). It is called the Mood Gym and is a training program for preventing and coping with depression. http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome Things do get better over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 I dont know what I would do without you guys Legion. Fixed that for you OpenPalm. I think in the end you'll see that you only need to find your own inner voice. Follow your passions brave one! Find the questions at the core of your being. They will become your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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