Once Upon A Time...

[Exevolt]

I have already posted an ex-tomony but I feel as if it isn't correct. I wrote it in haste while at school and soon regretted it as it isn't me to leave something half-assed so forgive a "double post".

 

This is my story that I shall provide, it may have gaps, it may have things unexplained as to why they connect to a story of de-conversion, remember something for me. I'm 17, I'm ADHD, I'm highly intelligent, my brain operates on a weird setting and my brain operates at a fast speed and dwells heavily on things possibly unrelated but it still hits and I'm in my own head all day. Bare with me my fellow people, we're not all perfect.

 

To begin let me explain my family. We've always been secularists and not overtly religious. My mom was always the true believer, my brother never made mentions to his faith and neither my father. It all begins at age 5, somewhere in the boondocks of Tamarac Florida. My earliest memory of religion is my mother sitting me on the bed and every night reading me a new story from this thing called the bible. Started with Genesis, the story of Adam and Eve. Every story, every verse, I expressed in my own mind and sometimes verbally questioned. I was always a questioning one. I come from a family of scientists, self-educators and generally intelligent people so this is to be expected. My mother not able to answer my questions at least admitted she didn't know the answer to my questions. When I would complain of insomnia she would stick her whole hand on my face and verbally pray. I thought to myself “what is she doing?” but never questioned. I had rarely been to church as my mother never tried to make me go to any and when I did go I went with “friends”. My father was also caught one moment by me crying because he had "heard God talk to him". Imagine being 6 and thinking Sky Daddy has talked to your father.

 

I hated churches, always did things I considered at age 8 to be CHILDISH! The friends I went with always had a habit of betrayal in one way or another. The only decent friend was one I met from Royal Palm Christian Pre-School. At age 9 we decided to move into the new neighborhood my Jewish aunt, uncle and cousin lived in. We had moved to North “BY GAWD” Carolina. Now you may be asking yourself “where's the story?” it's later. Despite my family wasn't overtly religious the environment is what got me. Being around Christianity, crosses, believers, one sided views, gays are gross bad and evil, hell is real, Jesus is real, Jews are bad, Muslims are scary evil terrorist. The indoctrination was like a perfect parasite, drilled deep into the brain of the host, unable to be discovered as more than a cancerous parasite like the Gould from Stargate SG-1.

 

Enter middle school, I'm 11-12 years old, I'm a nerd, sci-fi lover, science lover, smarty pants, outcast. I had one good friend, Eric Williams, a black neighbor from down the street who was older than I, he was 14ish. We hung out, we played, we swam, we pretended we were soldiers fighting wars with star wars blaster rifles, oh the fun we had as kids, things I kind of miss in this day and age. Puberty reared its head in and I discovered I started catching an eye for my fellow man. I had expressed this to Eric and to keep a “gross” and somewhat comical series of scenes we did some gay shit together. I must mention I still retain my virginity. I loved him, I loved his mom, his sister, his crazy army soldier brother. But he decided to out of the blue live with his father on the other side of the state leaving me friendless except for Braxton, the kid who lead me into the realm of Xbox, SWG, and WoW.

 

Now there are problems in between that happy story of sexual discovery. Being an outcast I was already hated. But I spent time with my mom and discovered I had many womanly likes, I like comfy PJ's, I liked chick flicks, shopping, I walked with a spring in my step and the hounds of “normal children” smelt fresh meat to feast upon. They hounded me, put me in tears, FAG, QUEER, PUSSY, SISSY, GIRL, DISGUSTING, WEIRDO, RETARD. They reminded me that Christianity had no taste for boy lovers and I tried to pray the gay away. This made me habitually activated that I was still liking guys. I had informed the school system and principal a thousand times that this was happening and they did NOTHING. One day I snapped and grabbed the main antagonists throat, softly mind you as he was fatter than a galaxy, and said “say something again and I swear by God I'll beat you up.” to which fat boy laughed and said something, so I pounced him, pined him yelling “I'LL MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!” until I was hauled to the office. A day later I was informed I could be charged with, get this, ATTEMPTED MURDER! Fortunately my mother informed the school that she would not stand for this persecution due to my sexuality and they just gave me and him ISS (In School Suspension). To make a happier ending he and I became friends 4 years later.

 

So as I wrestled with religious beliefs and my own dispair I become cynical, ran on autopilot, I shutdown. Permanent dark markings appeared under my eyes due to lack of sleep, I lost my sense of identity and accomplished the goal of not looking up naughty pictures of males. My brother came out as atheist and my mother raged. I began thinking day in and day out about religion, death, that I'd go to hell if I did what sometimes entered my mind which was just railing myself out of my window and maybe this bad dream would end. Fortunately not only does science run in my family which kept me happy but so does a ridiculous sense of self-preservation so suicidal thoughts drifted away. 8^th grade was all happy Skippy dandy and I returned to “normalcy”.

 

Enter 9^th grade, freshman in high school. I continued my religious struggles as I dealt with “golden” children who drank, fornicated, smoked weed, hated on me and were general conformist and then on Sunday repented. Of course this is now mid puberty so my boy love surfaced back up and I found a connection without the predominantly gay furry community, yes I'm a furry deal with it. This comfort allowed me to accept my own sexuality as bi-sexual but still caught me flak as bi wasn't straight enough, and my questioning and self education on religion and choice of girlfriend caught me flak by these “Christians”. And this continued through 10^th grade, me arguing to classmates that religion, evolution and science don't all have to be opposite, intelligent design. I also would have many personal arguments with myself like a madman as the indoctrination parasite fought against me the whole way.

 

Enter 11^th grade now. I had managed to get into Weaver Academy a new school 30 minutes away full of ignant people but also crawling with intelligence, liberals and such. This environment gave me my group of friends who I can comfortably refer to as true friends. This liberal environment allowed me the 5 minutes to calm, relax and get into true study mode about, politics, religion, science, gaming, everything that through youtube vids, netflix documentaries, and my friends and now EXTRMELEY secularist politically active parents, have helped within a year FINALLY give me an identity and forge who I am. I finally tackled that parasite of christian indoctrination, saw the light of reason that years of arguing science + religion are both right, was all feeble and wrong. I saw through all the horrible disgusting inhuman lies and slander. I went the full path of science, blatant denial of the christian god, became resentful of religion because as I read, I learned that religion was all bullshit. All that good shit we in the atheist community love such as science, truth, education, and self-acceptance. Gaming, science, anti-religion, politics, education, all important aspects of my life now open. I feel as if a weight was lifted of my head, I feel as if all that misery is now forever past as none of my family, extended or immediate ever plan to bring on. My life is good, secularist immediate AND extended family, who I see twice a year minimum, and I feel happy, content, good. It feels as if life had actually begun just this past year, as if I pressed the reset button on life and managed to have everything go right. My family is now one, my family treats me like an adult, we have a great relationship, the memories are all locked in the past, 17 years of major bullshit for one year of amazement in my opinion is worth it and this is still going. All christianity and all religion is trying to please Sky Daddy so he won't spank you. My worldview has changed, I'm a changed man, I'm more tolerant and empathetic, life's good.

 

Stay classy y'all.

[Dory]

lovely story I'm having a 'wonderful year' too, compared to the last few awful ones. Life is good!

[freeasabird]

I like the comments about science at the end. Fundies like to accuse us of treating science like our new religion, but they simply don't understand that all we care about is the truth, and science can help us find that. Everyone wants to understand where they come from and how they got here. Some settle for ready made answers, some search for the hard truth. The more REAL truth you find, the more fascinating it can be. As Dawkins like to repeat the old Darwin quote, "there is grandeur in this view of life."

[MrsRoper]

Exevolt - I am so happy for you. You are lucky to be happy, confident and know who you are at such a young age.

[TrueFreedom]

Thanks for the updated exty, Exevolt (does that name mean something?). I hadn't seen your prior thread. Being gay's a bitch, huh? It's good to see that you found a community that accepts you for who you are. And it's good to have you here.

[raoul]

All christianity and all religion is trying to please Sky Daddy so he won't spank you.

Stay classy y'all.

Man but you said it all especially that last thing - I call it the 'love me daddy' syndrome. Thanks for sharing.

[Exevolt]

Thanks for the updated exty, Exevolt (does that name mean something?). I hadn't seen your prior thread. Being gay's a bitch, huh? It's good to see that you found a community that accepts you for who you are. And it's good to have you here.

Actually the name was my original XBL Gamer Tag and one of the 3 internet names I use. I stole it from the game Metal Arms: Glitch In the System as a charector was named Dr. Exevolt and I thought it sounded cool.

[Akheia]

So young to have faced all that! I wish I'd been as insightful as you when I was that age. I'm really glad things are shaping up for you now.

[scarfwearer]

 

Now there are problems in between that happy story of sexual discovery. Being an outcast I was already hated. But I spent time with my mom and discovered I had many womanly likes, I like comfy PJ's, I liked chick flicks, shopping, I walked with a spring in my step and the hounds of “normal children” smelt fresh meat to feast upon.

 

I just want to know why people make fun of that.

 

I remember when I volunteered briefly helping in a younger kids Sunday school program, I had to move a purse that some girl had left on one side of the room and move it to the other where their "craft sacks" that they filled with crafts during the class and would pick up at the end. As I was taking it, I remember an older kid immediately say "Guys don't carry handbags" and some others chimed in too. It left me feeling strange. I was thinking, what's the big deal?

 

I might post more about this later.

[Akheia]

That's bizarre, Scarfwearer. My husband sometimes carries my bags, but the first time I asked if he was okay with the idea, he said, "Nobody's going to say that a purple sequined satchel with a glittery unicorn on it belongs to me." I suspect those kids were feeling insecure for their own reasons.