knowmad Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Just thought I'd share what's been happening with me since my deconversion. To get it out of my system and to discuss it with others. I can't believe it's been nearly a year, my how time flies. When I first deconverted I went through a two week period of cold turkey/withdrawl symptoms. Wondering if I was going to hell now that I don't believe ect ect. Then came the mildly euphoric period resulting from the new freedom I was experiencing. But just lately I began to notice a subtle unrest within my soul. Tonight I was talking to my friend and through the conversation we concluded that this unrest would be similar to what someone experiences when they are, after many years, let out of jail and now lives in complete freedom. Even though jail was oppressive, it's all a jailee knows. It's structure, routine, rules and thier place within that environment were familar and gives them security. This explains how I have been feeling these last couple of weeks. Even though I am extremely secure and at peace in my new environment, I have habits and memories that will only feel comfortable if it were back in the old environment. I initially gave myself 4 months to transition from the old life to the new. I see now that it will take longer and I'm cool with that. I think what is happening to me is this: When I first deconverted I removed myself from a structured environment concerning beliefs. So for the first few months I gave myself a holiday from this and explored the new environment without the need to form a new belief or solidify any thoughts I was having. To balance this I went up a few notches in structure and disipline in my work environment. This has worked out really well, because the structured and precise routine of work gave me a secure foundation to stand on while exploring all the cerebral things. I am not a person to rush into things, so forming a new belief is not even on the cards. At the moment I am an explorer venturing into unknown territory. This territory is as vast as the universe itself. I see at the moment that I may never obtain a foundational belief as I once did with christianity. So this in itself is also a new experience and it's the unfamiliarity that is causing the slight unrest in me. The good news is that there is no fearful doubt as I embark on this journey, but I guess an instinctive fear of not knowing what I will discover and being out of my comfort zone. I feel a whole lot better now that I have had a good look at myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I would say the hardest part is not being able to find a "foundational belief" again. It has been a few years for me, but I still wonder in my more empty moments if I SHOULD get something to replace it... but eh... no thanks. Reason and science are enough... Lately, I have found myself wondering in quiet moments what I would be doing if I were still a Christian. I have so much more free time now! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knowmad Posted November 24, 2005 Author Share Posted November 24, 2005 Lately, I have found myself wondering in quiet moments what I would be doing if I were still a Christian. I have so much more free time now! LOL Oh what a scary thought LOL. I'd be frustrating my kids with my cerebral fanaticism or I'd be depressed and suicidal. Yeah, gotta love the more freedom one gets from deconversion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 But just lately I began to notice a subtle unrest within my soul.Tonight I was talking to my friend and through the conversation we concluded that this unrest would be similar to what someone experiences when they are, after many years, let out of jail and now lives in complete freedom. Even though jail was oppressive, it's all a jailee knows. It's structure, routine, rules and thier place within that environment were familar and gives them security. Most excellent analogy! Right alongside becoming a newly freed slave. We were so accustomed to the chains and oppressive atmosphere, now that we're liberated, we hardly know how to act! (I think All Gods Fail called this a "mind fuck.") It takes time to discover a new paradigm, a different behavior mode. Often times this feeling is accompanied with "have I made a mistake?" We ex-cultists sometimes panic, believing that we've done something wrong by leaving the "care" of our former master/slave owner. Of course this is not true. Like the ex-prisoner and ex-slave, we require time to make the adjustment to our new situation. Here's to learning how to live free and loving it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knowmad Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 Yer, and just recently I noticed that xtianity is built on a path that has a start and an end. There is a goal to reach. Whereas now there seems to be no goal but just a steady growth and expanding with no end or goal in sight. This adds to the unfamilar territory mindset and seems to create within a disorientation of thought in regards to what goal is one trying to achieve. With discussions I've had we would create a scenario of what if we truly knew the "truth", what then ? What do we do with this truth and what is the purpose of knowing truth ? I can see why people attach themselves to religious truths, but most don't practice what they have obtained. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All Gods Fail Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Just thought I'd share what's been happening with me since my deconversion. To get it out of my system and to discuss it with others. That's good stuff, knowmad - I think you've got a great perspective. That's what freedom is all about! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knowmad Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 That's good stuff, knowmad - I think you've got a great perspective. That's what freedom is all about! Thanks for the affirmation All Gods Fail. A far cry from all those years I truly believed I was insane and so out of touch with reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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