Peace Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I posted before that I have come out to my husband (whose reply was basically 'Awesome! I've always wanted to be an atheist!' ) and my best friend (who was also very accepting). I have been part of a large online group of xian women for several years and have built wonderful relationships with these women. I've only met a handful of them (the ones that are local) but feel like I know so many of them very well. It has been hard to not feel like I'm somehow being deceitful by continuing to post on various topics and participate online because anyone who knows me would assume I am still a xian and speaking from that mindset. So I finally decided to just post and tell them of my apostasy and let them know that it didn't mean I was going anywhere but that I just wanted to be honest. I had checked the board guidelines and didn't see anything that said I couldn't do this though I did wonder why I'd never seen a similar post by anyone else in all the time I'd been there (knowing there were at least a few who had de-converted or struggled with believing). My post was respectful and loving and at first I got a lot of 'Thanks for being honest!' posts and then 1 or 2 women admitted to being in a similar place. Then my thread was removed. I was told that while I didn't break any rules or post in favor of atheism that my words could have that affect. I know the admins there and they are very kind, wonderful women but actually standing in the place of being silenced was... surreal. I can't understand (yet I can, because I was a xian) how she could say that and not see how absurd it sounded. I can't understand how xians who want to love and accept people where they are (which this group aims to do) would not see the problem it presents to expect people to remain silent in their spiritual journey. Apparently it would have been helpful to tell admins so they can make sure I don't post in theological forums but I'm not allowed to tell anyone else or post about it. Anyway, amazingly, I feel better for having just given it a shot. I want to be able to feel I did what I could to maintain my integrity and from the few hours my statement was public I received several messages from others who were suffering and thought they were all alone. We were able to form a group on FB to give us a place to talk honestly about where we are in our journeys and have find the support we cannot get on the main board. Pretty much the only people I have left to tell is my parents and ILs (dh has deconverted as well). I've already tried dropping hints to my mom but I can tell she's not accepting it in the least. She still talks to me in religious babble as though I would agree we 'just need to keep praying that ____' and that 'we know God wants _____ and we just need to stand on that!', etc. My dad is a great guy, but I know if were to tell him my reasons for not believing he would feel compelled to try to give me the information I need to lay those things aside. He believes it all very deeply and he'snot the most logical guy I know. The thought of how excruciating that conversation would be leaves me wondering if it's even necessary to attempt it. I think he would just block it out and deny reality, much like my mom has done so far. Dh's parents are just kind of crazy and we have a strained relationship with them so tell them just isn't high priority so I'm not sweating that. My MIL has been a pain in my ass since the day we met though so I kinda want to tell her just to get at her. Just thought I'd give a little info about where I am in my journey since I enjoy following other's stories and hearing updates. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Hi Peace, interesting post. Yes, some Christian forums are overly-moderated. They dont like to hear the truth My MIL has been a pain in my ass since the day we met though so I kinda want to tell her just to get at her. Lets hope your in laws arent reading this! A little joke for you. How do you know when the MIL is coming round?... the mice throw themselves on the mousetraps 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 This is the whole reason I like to be open about being an ex-c. It's the flip-slip of all the shit you can experience; as much as that sucks, finding out that you're not alone among people you know rocks. I have not told my grandfather, or anyone who might tell my grandfather, of my deconversion. He's 91 years old. At this stage in his life, he looks forward to joining grandma in heaven, and there's a very real chance that if I presented all my arguments, that he would deconvert. At that age, I think it would kind of be a rather cruel thing to do to him. If he didn't deconvert, he could potentially die distressed that I was going to hell, again something that I consider a cruel thing to do to him. So I will just be quiet for now, and let him be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Hi Peace, yes, it must be weird to have a very heartfelt thread removed. So ironic and sad that fundamentalists repeat the words "the truth shall make you free" but in fact are afraid of it. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenerGal Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 That's insane to me that speaking your truth is regarded as a potential deconversion of others. If someone were to tell me s/he was gay, I wouldn't think twice about my own sexuality. I think I feel frustrated at your situation because I know I will be facing this in my small town. We shouldn't have to quiet ourselves to help the weak in faith stay in the fold... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peace Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 If someone were to tell me s/he was gay, I wouldn't think twice about my own sexuality. I think this is a great analogy! The thing is, they aren't afraid of turning non-gays to gays. They're afraid that those who already know they are gay will feel accepted and less isolated and find comfort and strength in knowing someone else is in the same spot! It's sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Well, now you'll see who your real friends are - the ones who bother to stick with you outside of the fascist board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted June 21, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted June 21, 2012 "Let the women keep silent in the church, and the Internet." II Parentheses, 666:13 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanStoHeli Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Welcome to the closet - now stay there or else! I've heard this happening far too many times - you think you've got good Christian friends, a nice accepting Christian group - until you step out of line. It's sad they're so very scared, and sad to lose the good friends that are there. I wonder what they would accept - just tell the admins that you don't want to be under false pretenses, so what can you do - such as modify your siggie - to just be out of the closet in their group? Something as cold as: "Full disclosure: I no longer consider myself a Christian" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Good for you Peace. I'm proud of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Hi Peace, yes, it must be weird to have a very heartfelt thread removed. So ironic and sad that fundamentalists repeat the words "the truth shall make you free" but in fact are afraid of it. Ain't that the truth. On another board that witnessed my latter part of de-conversion my sig is Truth is Freedom and I have not changed it since coming out. It is more relevant now than it was whenIwazaWoo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darwinfish Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Congrats on the effort. I've been feeling like I'm back in the closet, lately. Although most people know I don't believe now, I've had to accommodate my wife and her family to the point that no one would really know that I'm not a Christian. We go to church every week, my kids are in Christian school, and I've dropped out of my Recovering from Religion group due to the stress it was causing in my marriage. The topic of belief doesn't even come up anymore. Funny how Christians think they're so open minded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 ... my kids are in Christian school, ... Sorry, I saw that and felt myself shudder. Maybe it's because my experience in a Christian school was so horrible, but that is one thing I would fight my partner tooth and nail on. I would divorce and fight for custody over that shit if it was my kids. I'm not kidding in the least. I will die before any (hypothetical, future) offspring of mine go to a fucking Christian school. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Wow, you were censored! I guess I'm naive--I am shocked that you would be silenced! Clearly, that is not a forum in which truth or honesty are valued--those are threats! Good for you for being as honest as you can with those around you. Freedom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 ... my kids are in Christian school, ... Sorry, I saw that and felt myself shudder. Maybe it's because my experience in a Christian school was so horrible, but that is one thing I would fight my partner tooth and nail on. I would divorce and fight for custody over that shit if it was my kids. I'm not kidding in the least. I will die before any (hypothetical, future) offspring of mine go to a fucking Christian school. I agreed to allow my future kids to go to a christian school......might be interesting to see how much I regret it....one thing for sure is when stuff like the topics of evolution come up, I'll make sure my kids are well educated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 ... my kids are in Christian school, ... Sorry, I saw that and felt myself shudder. Maybe it's because my experience in a Christian school was so horrible, but that is one thing I would fight my partner tooth and nail on. I would divorce and fight for custody over that shit if it was my kids. I'm not kidding in the least. I will die before any (hypothetical, future) offspring of mine go to a fucking Christian school. I agreed to allow my future kids to go to a christian school......might be interesting to see how much I regret it....one thing for sure is when stuff like the topics of evolution come up, I'll make sure my kids are well educated. Gods, no, never. Of course, I'm lucky in that the man I'm with presently, the only man I can truly see myself having children with, feels the same as I do. We both value education too much to trust it to some indoctrinating "school." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I posted before that I have come out to my husband (whose reply was basically 'Awesome! I've always wanted to be an atheist!' ) and my best friend (who was also very accepting). I have been part of a large online group of xian women for several years and have built wonderful relationships with these women. I've only met a handful of them (the ones that are local) but feel like I know so many of them very well. It has been hard to not feel like I'm somehow being deceitful by continuing to post on various topics and participate online because anyone who knows me would assume I am still a xian and speaking from that mindset. So I finally decided to just post and tell them of my apostasy and let them know that it didn't mean I was going anywhere but that I just wanted to be honest. I had checked the board guidelines and didn't see anything that said I couldn't do this though I did wonder why I'd never seen a similar post by anyone else in all the time I'd been there (knowing there were at least a few who had de-converted or struggled with believing). My post was respectful and loving and at first I got a lot of 'Thanks for being honest!' posts and then 1 or 2 women admitted to being in a similar place. Then my thread was removed. I was told that while I didn't break any rules or post in favor of atheism that my words could have that affect. I know the admins there and they are very kind, wonderful women but actually standing in the place of being silenced was... surreal. I can't understand (yet I can, because I was a xian) how she could say that and not see how absurd it sounded. I can't understand how xians who want to love and accept people where they are (which this group aims to do) would not see the problem it presents to expect people to remain silent in their spiritual journey. Apparently it would have been helpful to tell admins so they can make sure I don't post in theological forums but I'm not allowed to tell anyone else or post about it. Anyway, amazingly, I feel better for having just given it a shot. I want to be able to feel I did what I could to maintain my integrity and from the few hours my statement was public I received several messages from others who were suffering and thought they were all alone. We were able to form a group on FB to give us a place to talk honestly about where we are in our journeys and have find the support we cannot get on the main board. Pretty much the only people I have left to tell is my parents and ILs (dh has deconverted as well). I've already tried dropping hints to my mom but I can tell she's not accepting it in the least. She still talks to me in religious babble as though I would agree we 'just need to keep praying that ____' and that 'we know God wants _____ and we just need to stand on that!', etc. My dad is a great guy, but I know if were to tell him my reasons for not believing he would feel compelled to try to give me the information I need to lay those things aside. He believes it all very deeply and he'snot the most logical guy I know. The thought of how excruciating that conversation would be leaves me wondering if it's even necessary to attempt it. I think he would just block it out and deny reality, much like my mom has done so far. Dh's parents are just kind of crazy and we have a strained relationship with them so tell them just isn't high priority so I'm not sweating that. My MIL has been a pain in my ass since the day we met though so I kinda want to tell her just to get at her. Just thought I'd give a little info about where I am in my journey since I enjoy following other's stories and hearing updates. So they pulled your thread because they knew it could have a detrimental effect on the believers. You mean your post could be 'more powerful' than god's love? :-) It is interesting when an xian is caught using common sense instead of trusting in god. Apparently the moderator knows that god might not be able to stand up for himself on that message board... :-) Why is it that people have to do all this grunt work for god? Is it because deep down they know the whole story is fiction but for some unknown reason must maintain the fiction? I think by deleting your thread she is denying god his chance to defend his honor...or even his existence. Now as far as telling your parents, do they have a need to know? If they blather on about Jesus in front of you ,who cares? Have a little giggle inside your head when they do this. It's not dishonest to let them think you are still an xian. If you think they will go ballistic if you tell them, then don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peace Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 So they pulled your thread because they knew it could have a detrimental effect on the believers. You mean your post could be 'more powerful' than god's love? :-) It is interesting when an xian is caught using common sense instead of trusting in god. This was what blew my mind. It seems impossible that she could say what she did and not see the obvious disconnect. I get that it is a xian board and that they want to keep a xian environment- I just assumed on some level that doubts or one leaving the faith was relevant to xianity and certainly to maintaining community. Le sigh. Now as far as telling your parents, do they have a need to know? If they blather on about Jesus in front of you ,who cares? Have a little giggle inside your head when they do this. It's not dishonest to let them think you are still an xian. If you think they will go ballistic if you tell them, then don't. I could certainly forego telling the. I am relatively close with my mom though and if I want a relationship with her I want to be who I am. It's just how I'm programmed. I also see problems with the fact that my kids will surely tell them we don't pray/believe in God/think the Bible is just a book of stories/etc. and it will come up anyway. The other day daughter was talking about protecting the whale's and it makes her sad to know what happens to some animals and my mom told her she should pray for the whales. I gave my mom a look and told her to cut it out. Those situations keep coming up. Both sets of grandparents see it as part of their relationship with out kids to teach them about God and I'm not at all comfortable with that. My daughter is 6 and she's already confused enough that mom and dad used to say God was real but now have explained they were wrong. I don't need them adding to that, ya know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zaphod Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 This is the whole reason I like to be open about being an ex-c. It's the flip-slip of all the shit you can experience; as much as that sucks, finding out that you're not alone among people you know rocks. I have not told my grandfather, or anyone who might tell my grandfather, of my deconversion. He's 91 years old. At this stage in his life, he looks forward to joining grandma in heaven, and there's a very real chance that if I presented all my arguments, that he would deconvert. At that age, I think it would kind of be a rather cruel thing to do to him. If he didn't deconvert, he could potentially die distressed that I was going to hell, again something that I consider a cruel thing to do to him. So I will just be quiet for now, and let him be happy. My parents know I'm not religious anymore, but I don't know if they understand that I'm an atheist at this point. I don't discuss it with them for the very same reason as you, pudd1n. I'm afraid I'll win them over. The journey to non-belief was a dark and scary time for me, in spite of the fact that I'm happy with where I ended up. At their age it might not be worth it. And my biggest fear about getting too conversant on this topic is that I'll convince one but not the other. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 ... my kids are in Christian school, ... Sorry, I saw that and felt myself shudder. Maybe it's because my experience in a Christian school was so horrible, but that is one thing I would fight my partner tooth and nail on. I would divorce and fight for custody over that shit if it was my kids. I'm not kidding in the least. I will die before any (hypothetical, future) offspring of mine go to a fucking Christian school. If you don't mind talking about it, what was the school's name and what happened there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 If you don't mind talking about it, what was the school's name and what happened there? Lee-Scott Academy. *spits* Besides a policy of belittling me for being different by the students, that the teachers never even attempted to stop, even after I complained, I was punished for being groped by a boy in the hall. Well, I was actually punished for knocking the shit out of him, but there were many witnesses, and he wasn't punished at all. Every single bit was my fault. And I had to stop myself from knocking the shit out of the headmaster when he said "boys will be boys." There was also the mental torture of being taught that "sin in your heart" crap, and that made me suicidal. I was also put in detention for walking out of guest speaker assemblies when the topic ventured to dating, and every sexual wrong was described as the fault of the female. I also dealt with far too much stupidity to cover here. So, yes, I would die before I put a child of mine in a Christian school. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will02 Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 I had a horrible time in Christian schools too. In my case the place I went to in elementary was downright abusive (not something I want to talk about over the internet... the guy in charge should of gone to jail for a long time over what happened to me) and the educational quality wasn't that good either. If I had gotten more math and less jesus things might have gone better in my later educational years. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antix Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 Hi Peace, interesting post. Yes, some Christian forums are overly-moderated. They dont like to hear the truth My MIL has been a pain in my ass since the day we met though so I kinda want to tell her just to get at her. Lets hope your in laws arent reading this! A little joke for you. How do you know when the MIL is coming round?... the mice throw themselves on the mousetraps Christian forums: What a joke. TOS is you cannot think for yourself or question anything or say anything positive about gays, muslims etc or anything negative about war or GW Bush Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peace Posted June 25, 2012 Author Share Posted June 25, 2012 Hi Peace, interesting post. Yes, some Christian forums are overly-moderated. They dont like to hear the truth My MIL has been a pain in my ass since the day we met though so I kinda want to tell her just to get at her. Lets hope your in laws arent reading this! A little joke for you. How do you know when the MIL is coming round?... the mice throw themselves on the mousetraps Christian forums: What a joke. TOS is you cannot think for yourself or question anything or say anything positive about gays, muslims etc or anything negative about war or GW Bush What is TOS? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 Terms of service Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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