Zephie Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 So today at work, a student from one of the local colleges came in to interview the doctor but since she wasn't there I was interviewed instead. The paper was for an anthropology paper and covered a bunch of things about family history. I'm Scottish/English so I gave her what information I could. My paranoia kicked in when I got home and now I'm worried that since she does have my name and some information about religious beliefs (or lack thereof) somehow my parents could find out...The likelihood of this happening really is nill. She's an undergrad student who had to turn in a paper at the last minute. I guess if they do find out I could tell her that the information I gave her is old information from my last stint away from the church (not that they know this stint is much longer lasting) and just do my song and dance like I do for them. I know that they know that I question a lot and read a lot simply because I want to know things. I also have a great deal of respect for my parents beliefs even though they annoy me alot and I am quite irreverant about them. My other option is to come semi-clean and to tell them that I am struggling with my belief (it changes daily but what has been seen cannot be unseen) and admit that I feel that finding a church where I belong would be a better option for me. I just don't want to screw up my parents lives anymore than they already are. They've been through hell in the last year and they deserve some peace. I may bitch about them and whine a lot but these are two great people, really. I guess what I'm scared of is disappointing them even more than I already have. I can't stand it when they are disappointed in me. Hence the reason I am up and 5 am...also it could be because I've been getting too much sleep at night....9-10 hours really when I'm good on 6 or 7. The best thing to do is simply to let it go and if they find out be honest. My parents can be surprisingly understanding when I least expect it and perhaps it will be a good thing to be honest but respectful about my doubts. I had questions and they weren't answered except to say that I was too smart for my own good. That isn't the case, there are tons of really intelligent people who still believe and many times I would like to be one of them. I've read more pro-books than I can imagine. Some of the stereotypes of why I left the church do apply to me like unanswered prayer and being hurt by other Christians. Some of the reasons are deeper than that, a longing to connect to a deeper spiritual part of myself, having my tarot read and the peaceful feeling I got from it, casting a circle and having that same peace/joy/happiness come into that space, smudging my room with sage and it feeling just as "clean" as if I would have annointed the door posts and and windows....so many reasons for me to explore. I've always been interested in other religions too but never really realized I had the choice until a few years ago. I get visions and wisdom from my dreams (not all of them but some of them do give me guidance). I don't necessarily want to give up all faith but rather explore it for myself. The brand of Christianity is one that I fall into every time I go back to church and I don't want to go there again. I can't. It isn't healthy for me. I do miss the community and talking to my church friends. I don't miss giving myself the guilt trip for everything that I do and like. I guess at this moment, I'm just really confused. So much of my worldview is a mixture of things that I've been taught and things that I've actually thought about. I know that I was a true Christian. I've had so many experiences with God. Most of them have taken place in a group setting though and outside of that I've only had a few. I know that music and a group of people gathered together can influence each other to feel and experience things. I've seen things in my dreams that have helped my parents identify problems in their life and I've dream about the deaths of those near to me (mostly when I was younger) only to have them pass. I know that I loved God/Jesus with all my heart. I truly believed these things. Why did I stop? Was it being influenced by those outside the faith? Was it my love for people and openness to other ideas and ways of thinking that have made me think about my position on things? This is so confusing. I don't fear hell anymore since I figure I'll be suffering with everyone else anyway. More than anything though, I fear losing my family. Specifically my parents....like them disowning me because of my changing faith. Ugh...deep thoughts so early in the morning but I think that I needed to write about them and get them out. If I could go back to church I would. I remember saying last November, "I want to know how my story ends with Christ. How does my life play out?" In late January/early February, apparently it ended. They give you this picture of an overcoming life in Christ. They tell you to trust God and everything will be okay. Follow these rules and you will be safe. If something goes wrong then trust God that there was a reason, a purpose for everything. They make is sound so simple. I've prayed and prayed for one of my deepest desires (marriage and a family) for so long only to be passed by. I guess I just gave up. Isn't that okay for me to just give up? I mean if we work for someone for a long time and keep getting ignored for promotion or have crappy things happen at work...we would begin looking elsewhere, right? Not that my search outside the church has really gone well either. I don't know. Part of me needs to, has to acknowledge that I need to let go of the past and move on into the future. A line in my signature once read something along the lines of you can't move to the next chapter until you close this one. I really wanted to live out the rest of my life as a Christian. It was so simple, one God, one worldview (not really), get married, have kids, grow old, die. Now somedays my plan is to get out of debt and die...simply because I don't want my parents to have to pay for my shit anymore. I feel like I have no hope. No reason except what I create for myself. No real goals except to get out of debt. Then death. I don't like living like that. When I was a Christian, I had some kind of hope that things would eventually get better. I would get through this. God would see me through. Now it's like I have jack shit. Sure, I vaguely believe in a Goddess but I'm not sure from there. Damn this paranoia and early morning thinking. It's like I want to believe in the God that loves me and cares about me...all that good stuff. When faced about what OT says thought and what parts of the NT say, I feel like I've met this old guy who seemed really cool and caring but then turned out to be a mass murderer and know one knows and will deny the evidence when it's pointed out. I mean the Bible says, " Come let us reason together..." It says that somewhere in Isaiah. How do you reason with someone who has ordered deaths of his entire creations save for a minute portion, mass death, rape, murder, and culmination in the "ultimate" sacrifice of one man who was said to be perfect? Why no mercy just eternal punishment? Why allow all these terrible things to continue happening? I mean if God was serious about what he said, why hasn't he come back sooner to establish his kingdom on earth or whatever it's supposed to be? It just doesn't make sense (like most of this rambling). What happened to the God of youth that I worshipped whole heartedly, prayed until I wore holes in my jeans, went on missions trips (accomplished nothing), and desired to follow my whole life to live for? I prayed for guidance and followed what I heard only to end up in massive education debt (taking personal responsibility for that one). I prayed and pleaded for a husband and man of God to come into my life only to watch other women get married. I waited and waited for this person that God had for me...only to date a person who has caused me serious pain when I was with him. The next man I was with, I thought was a man of God and he turned out to be abusive. The last man, I knew was an atheist and now we are just friends and it's strange. I've no way of coping with this pain. I just want to leave the past behind and stop hurting so damn much. To top all of that off, I'm also attracted to women and have been for some time. I'm beginning to wonder if I am a lesbian or bi-sexual and how to deal with that. I have a cousin who came out to her parents last year and all I can think is how my parents would handle that? Oddly enough, writing this has given me some release as I don't really have anyone that I can talk to offline. I could talk to a friend of mine but I think it would just bring doubt for her and what I'm going through, I don't really want to do that to her. My other friend is moving out of state next week and that's going to be hard enough. Personally, I wanted to move out of state to get away from my past. I was scared of running into ex's and seeing who they are with now when honeslty, I shouldn't give a shit. I mean the first two mean I was with mentally fucked with me. They did some serious damage and I guess I am either not letting go or still dealing with what they did. Dammit! I want to let get of the fucking past and move the fuck on! I am tired of caring about what's going on with them (no I don't facebook stalk as I got off facebook for that very reason) and detest facebook now, I'm tired of hurting daily about the past, I'm tired of feeling like shit. The worst thing about all of this is that it comes and goes. Part of me wants to embrace the pain and work through it so that I can heal and move on. I mean really...why can't I fucking deal with what happened? Or maybe my mind is trying to latch onto some victim mentality which definitely isn't good at all. Fuck it. I seriously need a conselor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 All I know is, when you start experimenting with "lesbianism"..... Pics. XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 All I know is, when you start experimenting with "lesbianism"..... Pics. XD Pics...or it didn't happen....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 I wish I could write more but it's incredibly mind numbing to do it on an iPhone which is all I have at home now. But yeah everything you wrote resonates with me too. I think i can feel myself slipping from the "angry" stage into the "depressed" stage. I mean I dont have much to be depressed about I guess, but for me the two major things are : 1) the breaking free from religion shit, and 2) I don't have any real guy friends around here that Im really close with, the few that I am close to (my oldest bro and best friend) live a few states away. Plus I have 2 young girls, which is fun and maddening at the same time, but doesn't allow for much "freedom". Things could be much much worse though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 About the lesbian thing: You might be straight, but Xianity forbids gayness, so to flip Gawd off you are attracted to women. It's a way of pushing away from X as much as you can. You're showing how non-Xian you are. I think that is what happened to me--I have a wild urge to hook up with women because it's "dirty". I want to be as dirty as I can, just to irritate X. Megan Fox is sort of my girlie crush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted June 24, 2012 Author Share Posted June 24, 2012 About the lesbian thing: You might be straight, but Xianity forbids gayness, so to flip Gawd off you are attracted to women. It's a way of pushing away from X as much as you can. You're showing how non-Xian you are. I think that is what happened to me--I have a wild urge to hook up with women because it's "dirty". I want to be as dirty as I can, just to irritate X. Megan Fox is sort of my girlie crush. I've been attracted to girls since I was in my teens perhaps earlier. I like men too. It's not so much something to piss off God. It's more like coming to be honest with myself. I mean, I'm pagan more or less so that's pissing off God enough I think. Anywho, I ended up talking to the girl again and asking her to use a pseudonym for me instead of my real name. She said she would. Should any of this come back to bite me in the ass then I'll figure out what to do but I'm not going to waste any more time panicking over this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 You put it well, "be honest but respectful of your doubts". Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owen652 Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 I wish I could write more but it's incredibly mind numbing to do it on an iPhone which is all I have at home now. But yeah everything you wrote resonates with me too. I think i can feel myself slipping from the "angry" stage into the "depressed" stage. I mean I dont have much to be depressed about I guess, but for me the two major things are : 1) the breaking free from religion shit, and 2) I don't have any real guy friends around here that Im really close with, the few that I am close to (my oldest bro and best friend) live a few states away. Plus I have 2 young girls, which is fun and maddening at the same time, but doesn't allow for much "freedom". Things could be much much worse though. shit, you just described me, except i have four young girls, not two (i win). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted June 30, 2012 Author Share Posted June 30, 2012 Her paper was graded and she got an A. Yeah!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I wish I could write more but it's incredibly mind numbing to do it on an iPhone which is all I have at home now. But yeah everything you wrote resonates with me too. I think i can feel myself slipping from the "angry" stage into the "depressed" stage. I mean I dont have much to be depressed about I guess, but for me the two major things are : 1) the breaking free from religion shit, and 2) I don't have any real guy friends around here that Im really close with, the few that I am close to (my oldest bro and best friend) live a few states away. Plus I have 2 young girls, which is fun and maddening at the same time, but doesn't allow for much "freedom". Things could be much much worse though. shit, you just described me, except i have four young girls, not two (i win). Holy carp. Four?? It's called "vasectomy", dude!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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