ZoeKnows Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 I want to take a lot of time & post my deconversion story later....so, I apologize for not introducing myself & my entire story first. Instead, I want to talk about what is currently bothering me. I am several months (maybe even a year) into atheism, but there was no "day" it happened. Just in recent weeks, I did tell my Mom & sister. My Mom did not take the news well & my sister did at first until she spoke with my Mom. Things have been so incredibly awkward, where before there was no awkwardness. I feel so uncomfortable. The last time I spoke w/ my Mom over the phone she kept saying how devastated everyone was, how devastated she feels. She said people keep asking her at church & when she sees people in town..what's going on w/ (me and my husband). My husband has been posting atheist experience videos on his FB and he has started a lot of conversations about Christianity. It has lead to some great conversations but also, some estrangement and drama. Obviously, people in my Mom's community are reading this stuff & instead of asking US...are trying to get the nitty gritty from my Mom. It is so upsetting because I don't want my Mom to feel this way. I don't like that she fears for me and especially my family (her grand children). I just don't know how to feel. I have explained how this has been a positive thing for myself AND my husband (who, just in recent months, has become an atheist. Before that, he was in the process of becoming a Universalist Christian). She kept saying how we had a great reputation that we shouldn't take for granted and how hard it is to have that. She feels strongly about this because she has dealt w/ addictions & has done things that everyone in the community likely knows about. She doesn't have the flawless reputation our family has because my husband and myself have always been devout Christians...him from birth (ha ha) & me, since I converted to Christianity at age 17. We had children, raised them in church (our oldest is 11)...so, she sees this as us ruining how everyone sees us. (Note: I converted to Christianity in the church she attends. They saw me falling in love with Jesus. I was a worship leader there, etc. Now we live about 2 hrs from my Mom's community but everyone has kept up with our family's life pretty closely, especially through my family members that still attend church there). Do I care? NOT REALLY! But, I guess I care how this is all affecting HER. Maybe I just need to vent to a group of people that will understand. I am so upset that all my best relationships are now altered and weird. I just wish for acceptance & I know I can't control how other people take this news...but if I could, I would just want to not be viewed as a sad case, someone to feel upset/sadness for. I also hate that I'm being talked about in hushed tones. It literally makes me want to move thousands of miles away from everyone. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norton65ca Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 wow...societal reputations. Not a solid reason for hanging on to a pile of BS in my opinion. Amazing how one's "reputation" is so significant to some. Personally, I agree wholeheartedly with your "Do I care?" comment. Now I'm approaching fifty, I realize how very little I care about the opinions of anyone else. That being said, with family relationships it causes great sorrow and hurt when they are "altered". I wish you well, you never know, this may be the seed that brings about change in other members of your family. Best wishes. cheers, N Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 6, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted July 6, 2012 I guess I care how this is all affecting HER. It's so special how, when we have a differing opinion, they are devastated, disappointed, yada, yada, as if we wronged them in some way. Their attempts at manipulation just piss me off and I have no pity for their closed minded superiority complex. How dare we have the nerve to disagree with them! Sorry, but I've been at this for a while, and the victim act wears thin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Hey, Zoe. I am glad that you've come here, and I look forward to hearing about your deconversion and other things in due course. Your situation with your mother (and sister, but it sounds as though it's mom who is most upset/causing most waves) sounds both believable and upsetting. Here are my quick reactions. 1. Knowing how to feel? First, I think you just feel what you feel. If you're angry, and sad, and exasperated, and wishing you could help your mom feel better, and other emotions too, then that's how you feel. I don't think there are many shoulds about feelings. Maybe it will help the most just to acknowledge the feelings accurately and let the feelings do their thing. As you say, you are venting already - and yes, to people who understand (all too well)! 2. How should you act? It sounds so far as though you're acting responsibly. Your first person is your husband, and your children, and it sounds as though your loyalty is to them first. So i think you are on good ground within your conscience there. 3. It may happen that your sister will be amenable to talking rationally, if not now, later on. She may even be able to understand your decision and maybe will come to agree! 4. It is natural to wish for acceptance. We humans are social animals, and family's acceptance is always going to mean a lot. I can understand how hurtful it is to receive so much unacceptance right now. Humans also have minds and ethical principles, and I hear you loud and clear that you cannot with integrity go along with the cult anymore. So you're in an upsetting place, and I think you're dealing with it very well, to judge just from what you wrote. You are on a road many of us are traveling or have traveled with our families and friends. 5. Sad that so much of your mother's reaction is really about her. It is part of Jesus' megalomania that he talked about not coming to bring peace but a sword, to set mothers and daughters against each other... What did Nietzsche say, something like "O pale Galilean, the world grows cold at thy breath" or words to that effect. Even though this is just a virtual community, ex-chr people offer each other a lot of support. See you around on here, I hope, F Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Welcome, Zoe About all you can do is hold your head up high and continue to live an honest, honorable life. Sooner or later the hushed whispers will dissolve as the next scandal comes along. And it always does seem to, doesn't it? I hope your mom and sister come around. It's painful to be alienated from family, especially if you did nothing wrong. If you didn't do anything specifically to offend them, though, you don't have to feel responsible for their feelings. You were honest, and you tried to be loving and gentle as you broke this important news to them. As Florduh's said, a lot of their actions toward you sound very manipulative. (Some god, if he has to rely on such dishonest means of reconverting folks!) Do your best to separate yourself from that kind of web. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoeKnows Posted July 6, 2012 Author Share Posted July 6, 2012 Thank you for the welcome & replies! I guess I have a real issue with feeling responsible for their feelings. What began my journey away from my faith started with a book called "Healing the shame that binds you"...from reading this, I realized with clarity why I believed & eventually...how it was harming me, not helping me as I once thought. That book has also revealed how (in my family)...I tend to take on the shame of everyone else so that there is balance or whatever. It is a bad habit for me. I always want everyone to be happy. Now that things are awkward, I know it's because of ME. I am the one that is different. It doesn't help that often, my Mom is the type that avoids responsibility and puts it on me. She refuses shame (which is understandable) by deflecting it. In an effort to be healthy, I have had to let go of religion...fear....shame....& now I am facing another thing I have to let go of. That would be...the image my Mom reflects back of me, as the truth/reality of who I am. That person isn't me. In the process of rejecting this, I am trying not to reject her. Or offend her. Sometimes I think, why would I want to even have a relationship with her at all? But, she is just a result of a hard life and I love her so much. I don't want to lose anyone in my life. My sister is not an intellectual type & is easy to fool. She will likely never be convinced in anything other than what she has been taught. She is an accepting person though, at least. She just gets overwhelmed if you talk about apologetics in front of her. She gets very anxious. I am grateful that my husband is on the same page I'm on. There was a time he wasn't & it was momentarily uncomfortable, but the more I got away from religion, the more positive change he saw in me. Since he was studying Universalism (& enjoying the idea that no one would burn in hell for eternity)...he was not fearful for my soul. I think watching the Atheist Experience on Youtube really opened his mind up. Anyway...I am excited about findng my voice, discovering who "I" am, and learning how to just be me. I need to somehow let go of worrying about my Mom. I feel like I have been almost obsessively focused on her and her opinion of me. I wish I didn't care. I am so anxious and am not enjoying the funkiness between us. It just SUCKS! I have talked about this exhaustively to my husband and I know a man can only take so much Mama Drama stuff. I honestly believe that I have been stuck in a child's mindset until recently & JUST NOW...at 32 yrs old, I am having to learn to detach & grow up. I don't quite understand yet why sharing her faith kept me in that state? Sorry if this is all over the place. I just need to puke some stuff out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusanStoHeli Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 I've used this analogy many times to explain it in a non-intellectual way: I look out the window - and I see that the sky is blue. That's what I see, that's what I believe. No matter how many people tell me it is absolutely ESSENTIAL that I believe that they are right, the sky is green, no matter how much they say it's a beautiful, life changing green, what I see is blue. That's what it is - no amount of willpower will change that belief, no amount of people telling me how nice green is will change what I see - only changing the facts I see could possibly change what I see. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike D Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 What's so stupid is the idea that being an atheist will somehow damage your "reputation". Umm, how so? It's not like you've decided to start selling drugs to schoolkids, or you've been arrested for driving while DUI. It's a simple lack of belief in fairy tales! Now if you were walking through the streets chanting "Allahu Akbar" with your fist in the air then I could see where you might have a problem.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 Sorry Sorry to hear this..... It sounds like you are being tarred and feathered as an apostate of the hitler youth. I think Americans use religion as a mark of the cultural/racial in-group. You are being emotionally manipulated in a social control and power gambit. Life is so much easier in the bubble. How dare you prick the bubble or make waves. And what would we do without the drama, eh? My mom lives for the drama. She just can't accept me as I am. I have to fit into the socio-cultural dominant paradigm or else she is ready to feed me to the wolves or put the stake through my heart like Abraham and Isaac ---- all to please the big boss....or the small minded idiot auntie who is w~a~y more important than you. Family can and should be tortured for the sake of ideology? What a wonderful philosophy. What an effing life, eh?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahlee Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 What's so stupid is the idea that being an atheist will somehow damage your "reputation". Umm, how so? It's not like you've decided to start selling drugs to schoolkids, or you've been arrested for driving while DUI. It's a simple lack of belief in fairy tales! Now if you were walking through the streets chanting "Allahu Akbar" with your fist in the air then I could see where you might have a problem.... Uh-oh. She's an...a-word? A-words are immoral heathens who only deny DA LAWD so they can sin guilt free. It's in da bible and everything! Zoe, I'm sorry your mom and sis are taking this so hard, but I think everyone just needs time to adjust. I'm sure it's a bit shocking, and even if she doesn't seem to get over it. at least you're doing what's good for you and not hiding it. I just I hope things go better for you., Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 Hey Zoe I am wondering whether your mum is making the common mistake of believing that once people move on past Christianity they go on to do terrible and disgusting things (presumably because they think Christianity was the only thing making them a moral being). If that is what the problem is, she will settle down in due course. Unless of course your town is so small minded that you can earn a bad reputation merely by having different philosophical beliefs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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