blackpudd1n Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 My friend just got engaged tonight and I can't feel happy for her. Hell, I can't even bring myself to congratulate her. All I feel is sick to the stomach The guy's abusive. And a deadbeat. Controlling, mainpulative. Fuck, he only got "serious" about her when she started getting serious about moving interstate. Through the make-ups and break-ups, I watched for ages. Finally, about eight months ago, I started being honest with her and telling her what I really thought. I hoped she'd wake up and see what was going on, but instead, she moved in with him. So I told her I'd stand by her, but if she was going to move in with him, then she was going to have to at the very least protect herself financially. She was thinking of buying furniture on finance, so I told her that if she was going to do that, then to not rely on him- to make sure that she could pay for it herself, whatever happened. I told her to always have a back-up plan and to never get herself in a position where she was reliant on him financially. I told her to find a two-bedroom place, so a friend could move in if he moved out. Things like that. Then we went looking at some furniture, in order to work out a budget for her that she could afford by herself. She called him up to tell him about what she was interested in at the furniture store, and he went fucking ballistic that she so much as dared to look at furniture by herself. Christ, it wasn't as though she was even buying anything, for fuck's sake. I was right there, I could hear him going off his head. And now... she's engaged to him. The guy who only told her he loved her when he was drunk. I just needed to vent. I'm not looking for advice, guys, so please spare it. I'm going to arrange to have coffee with her and have a chat to her, and just be honest with her. She knows I'll stand by her, and she knows I'm one person she doesn't have to live her life pleasing. But I'm not going to sit there and pretend that I'm not concerned. I will reinforce that it is her life and her decision, and I will respect that, but I will request that she considers a long engagement in order to really think through her decision. To not look at it as the lead up to the big day, but a time of ensuring that this is what she really wants, that he is right for her, and that she is ready for such a committment. Especially because he wants kids, like now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 14, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted July 14, 2012 You're a good friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 What I know is where googly-eyed love is concerned, there is nothing you can say or do directly to persuade her. If she's falling for this guy, it tells me she has self-esteem issues. Maybe you can do something for her that will help her have more confidence in herself, which will in turn cause her to reexamine her relationship. I feel you. My brother married a girl I felt was completely wrong for him. A loony fundy, who has since turned my brother into a fundy. Sometimes you just have to lump it as there's nothing you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antix Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I have no idea why, but some people go after the abusive assholes for mates. I know one girl here who is a sweetheart and her boyfriend beats her, but she keeps going back to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Oh my god, my jaw dropped reading all that. I can't even fathom why women in this modern age would even feel attracted to such controlling men, much less get romantically entwined. As requested, no input on the situation from me--just a lot of admiration for you for sticking by her. I hope the talk goes all right, though I suspect it'll go in one ear and out the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 As the others have already intimated, there really isn't too much you can do since the heart, at times, rules over everything else. I guess you can be passive about it when you meet her. What I mean is, don't fire the first salvo or even initiate the conversation about it. However, if she gives you an opening of some kind then you can offer your advice, once more. If that opportunity comes up I think all you can reinforce is the prospect of a long term relationship like this going sour and if it does, the longer term effects can be quite harmful. Maybe try to get her to think with her brain instead of her heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted July 14, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 14, 2012 You sound exactly like a real good friend I had one time, who did everything in her power to warn me. She was such a good friend...and I was so blind and deaf to what she had to say.............I came later to understand that what she tried to tell me was very true. Lessons for me have always been the hard route! good luck with the coffee Pudd......you're a good friend for at least tryin'.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babylonian Dream Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I hate to say this, because I wish there was something you can do about it. But I have to warn you, I lost a friendship I valued trying to show a friend that their abusive controlling boyfriend wasn't any good. Be careful, be supportive but tread lightly or he WILL try to turn her against you, and will be successful at it. He will make her hate you and think you're some evil psychopath who just want to trash "the good thing they have together". Trust me, I know from experience. It was a hard thing for me to go through, I was scared for that friend's life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenerGal Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Ugh, it's hard to see people you care about choose misery over loneliness. Been there. Hope your coffee date goes well, BP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Oh my god, my jaw dropped reading all that. I can't even fathom why women in this modern age would even feel attracted to such controlling men, much less get romantically entwined. As requested, no input on the situation from me--just a lot of admiration for you for sticking by her. I hope the talk goes all right, though I suspect it'll go in one ear and out the other. When I went through this with my younger sister, I found that she listened to me a lot more, and was a lot more honest with me, if I simply told her my concerns and continually reinforced that I respected her choices regardless. I spoke honestly of my own experiences, and after a very scary few months, she did finally come around and leave him. It's so easy for our urgency and concern to be misinterpreted as patronising and condescending the person we are worried about. I always remind myself of how I reacted when people try to make me think twice about marrying my ex-husband when I was 18, and I find that acknowledging that and talking about myself often makes the conversation less combative. Trying to change their minds in one go is futile; all I do is plant little seeds, point out little things, try to make them think a little, while empowering them. It's always the same issue at heart: lack of self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, lack of self-worth, lack of self-respect. No point trying to get a girl to see her way out of situations like these if you don't work on those areas, because she'll only land herself in the same situation again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 This is a horrible situation. My brother did the same thing with a terrible girl. I shared an apartment with him and he kicked me out when she came to visit. She dumped him on his ass -hard- 3 years later. My father married his 2nd wife because she 'said' she was Republican. Awful woman. After dad had a car accident and became disabled, she took half his settlement compensation and ran off with another man. I guess she really was a Republican. When I tried to give advice I was verbally *attacked* or even almost assaulted. OK fine. You can't live other people's hells for them. They have to burn their fingers for themselves. All you can do is be there for her when the sh&t blows up - and it will. And hope that it doesn't turn out to be a disaster. At least your friend will remember that you tried to help her. The only thing is that if things get violent, don't wait to call the police. They might hate you for it, but she's better alive than dead. And I can only afford to shop at the VA or second hand thrift shops, or grab stuff out of dumpsters. And my feng shui is always 10 times more potent and killer than any of the new fangled consumerist decor setups. Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurari Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 *hugs* I know only to well how frustrating this is. I hope she sees the light and stays safe. I hope he falls off a bridge. I wish only the best of luck to both you and your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 *hugs* I know only to well how frustrating this is. I hope she sees the light and stays safe. I hope he falls off a bridge. I wish only the best of luck to both you and your friend. The hardest part of this whole situation is breaking the cycle developing. This is not the first time she's been in an abusive relationship; it's just that the last one was more obviously abusive. Therefore, because this guy is abusive in a different, more subtle way, she doesn't see it as abuse. I'm just glad I took an honesty stance with her months ago, because she has told me some things that made her question recently, and I only ever hear the full story when I am honest with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 This is a horrible situation. My brother did the same thing with a terrible girl. I shared an apartment with him and he kicked me out when she came to visit. She dumped him on his ass -hard- 3 years later. My father married his 2nd wife because she 'said' she was Republican. Awful woman. After dad had a car accident and became disabled, she took half his settlement compensation and ran off with another man. I guess she really was a Republican. When I tried to give advice I was verbally *attacked* or even almost assaulted. OK fine. You can't live other people's hells for them. They have to burn their fingers for themselves. All you can do is be there for her when the sh&t blows up - and it will. And hope that it doesn't turn out to be a disaster. At least your friend will remember that you tried to help her. The only thing is that if things get violent, don't wait to call the police. They might hate you for it, but she's better alive than dead. And I can only afford to shop at the VA or second hand thrift shops, or grab stuff out of dumpsters. And my feng shui is always 10 times more potent and killer than any of the new fangled consumerist decor setups. Cheers It does suck to watch from the outside. While I agree that people have to learn from their own mistakes, sometimes the only way they are able to do so is if they feel like they have honest, real support. I don't know about anyone else, but knowing that someone has the propensity to say "I told you so" when I screw up generally makes me more stubborn and more inclined to either continue along the same path or make the same mistake again, just to prove them wrong. Besides, I've made too many mistakes in my own life to be able to say that to someone else lol. So I tend to tell the truth, respect their decisions, and stand by them when it all falls apart. This girl is intelligent; she'll work it out eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Very sorry to hear she's set on this, Pudd, but she is lucky to have you as a friend. I am sure that you will put things as well as they can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 This is a horrible situation. My brother did the same thing with a terrible girl. I shared an apartment with him and he kicked me out when she came to visit. She dumped him on his ass -hard- 3 years later. My father married his 2nd wife because she 'said' she was Republican. Awful woman. After dad had a car accident and became disabled, she took half his settlement compensation and ran off with another man. I guess she really was a Republican. When I tried to give advice I was verbally *attacked* or even almost assaulted. OK fine. You can't live other people's hells for them. They have to burn their fingers for themselves. All you can do is be there for her when the sh&t blows up - and it will. And hope that it doesn't turn out to be a disaster. At least your friend will remember that you tried to help her. The only thing is that if things get violent, don't wait to call the police. They might hate you for it, but she's better alive than dead. And I can only afford to shop at the VA or second hand thrift shops, or grab stuff out of dumpsters. And my feng shui is always 10 times more potent and killer than any of the new fangled consumerist decor setups. Cheers Not that this was funny but that one liner where you wrote 'I guess she was a republican' had me laughing my arse off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConureDelSol Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 It's weird that there are some girls out there that no matter how much you try to help them, they always end up going into an abusive relationship. Some women are so desperate for attention or companionship that they'll take ANYTHING. I had a friend once that could not last one second without a boyfriend. If she didn't have a boyfriend, she was suicidal. Once she had a boyfriend, she hung all over him and had to spend every waking moment with him. Some of which were complete douchebags. I don't understand the thought processes that go on inside the heads of girls like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sybaris Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I don't understand the thought processes that go on inside the heads of girls like that. They have low self-esteem and depend on others for their identity. Attention, any kind of attention draws them in like a moth to a flame. A lot of times these women are attracted to men that are similar to their fathers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 They have low self-esteem and depend on others for their identity. Attention, any kind of attention draws them in like a moth to a flame. A lot of times these women are attracted to men that are similar to their fathers. This. Quoted for truth. There is very little a person can do to influence someone caught up in a romantic relationship. Just be there for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Your friend is lucky to have you. This fiancé of hers should watch his back. Best wishes for her future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Making it clear that you don't think this is healthy for your fried is thwart Togo, along as you don't labour the point. One of my friends once had a relationship with a man that all of her friends thought was a jerk. But we were all to "respectful"to say something so rude.when it all came apart, she found out that no one had ever liked him and she said that she would have considered our opinions very seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Bloody iPad!!, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I'll agree with others that there's little you can do. Years ago, a friend of mine started messing around with this gal who was obviously drug-addicted, trashy, and otherwise fucked up. Even by TENNESSEE standards. It was clear to everybody but him that this gal was only interested in financial support and rent-free housing... but he would hear none of it. Well it took a couple years, thousands of dollars worth of stupidity, and a couple brushes with the law before he'd finally had enough of her shit- and kicked her out. And I shit you not- a few months later she was DEAD of an overdose. So yeah, you may have to just wait this out. It sucks, but I don't know what else to tell you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 The more pressing issue at the moment is what to do about the facebook announcement. I can't go on facebook at the moment without seeing her damn announcement, I can't bring myself to say congratulations, and if I do or say anything on facebook, she'll know that I know and didn't say anything... Not only that, but I don't want the guy to know what I think and feel and the concerns I have. Not that he seems to like me that much anyway, despite having no personal reason to. Or maybe it's not so much that he dislikes me, but I certainly make him feel uncomfortable. So finding something to say at the moment is more the issue I'm working on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted July 15, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted July 15, 2012 Just say, "I love you, my friend, and I wish you the best." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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