*graphic* Christianity Perverted/ruined My Sex Life. Is There Hope?

[JoshB0XX]

This will be my first post. This will also be my first time sharing most of this with human beings. I haven't really known who to speak with about it, and I sure as hell wasn't about to bring it up to one my church leaders, or "interceding elders" as my church so eloquently put it. I don't necessarily expect answers, however if anyone with particular insight or experience with my "issues" wishes to interject, I will be listening.

 

I want to start this off, letting you all know that I am not a violent person. I have never been in a fight in my life. I am calm, cool, collected and honestly could probably not ever bring myself to harm another outside of my own, family's, or friend's protection. I'm kind of a hippie, haha.

 

You should also know, that even though I won't really go into detail, it will be semi-sexually graphic.

 

Born into a Christian household, as I'm sure many of you were, I was swiftly indoctrinated, asking my mother, at the age of 3, how I could get into heaven. Growing up, my parents were very strict about the television that I was allowed to watch. I was never to watch anything containing violence or witchcraft mainly. (which to my mom, was most of television) Of course, as a child in a Christian household, my parents paid little heed to which portion of the Bible I was reading, as long as I was reading it. I can't remember when it was, but sometime in between the ages of 6-11, I decided I wanted to read all of Genesis. Those knowing the book, knowing the bloody, drunken, and incestuous pages it contains, would be able to rationally decide that a child should not read it. However, my parents did not hold that rationale, and the poisoning of my mind then began. (as if it hadn't already) Through further reading of the Old Testament, we all know it only gets better. I was reading of mass killings, war, unjust death sentences, deeply erotic love, and everything else that my adept, little mind could absorb. It wasn't long before my dreams became dark.

 

I would say that I was twelve when I had my first dream of bringing harm to one of my friends. I'll spare you the details, but I assure you, it was so Old Testament, it's scary. The dreams never stopped. They definitely aren't as frequent anymore, but the effects of them were long lasting. It was only a year before the first dream that I discovered masturbation. I can't tell you why, I can't tell you how, I just don't know, but I began masturbating to the thoughts of those dreams. I also discovered porn, so it isn't like it was the only thing I thought about, but thanks to the Bible, my thought of sex since then has always been very sexist and masochistic.

 

Lets fast forward.

 

When I was in college, I had zero social skills. Something about only attending a private Christian school your entire life, leaves you a little unprepared for real world interactions and problems. I have always been a little weird, but once I got to know people, I couldn't shut up. Anyway, I pretty much quit going to church when I left high school. Mostly because of how I hated seeing "respected" people at the church acting like less of a Christian than myself, and I knew how bad I was! So I began drinking, and a lot! Later down the road, I began smoking dope, dabbling with psychedelics, and so on. So needless to say, though I wasn't admitting it quite yet, I was no longer considering myself a Christian. There was one value I held onto however; one that I had always cherished. My virginity. Of course, my sheepishness around girls had some to do with it, but I had definitely pushed girls out of my life because of their advances as well. (I now regret this)

 

We fast forward again.

 

I have been in sales for 4 years. Needless to say, social skills were no longer an issue. I can understand many people better than they do themselves. (ironic) I also didn't mention that I am a musician, and have been playing gigs since I was 14. Well, with my new found charisma, slowly becoming popular in our underground nightlife scene, and finally admitting to myself and others that I was not a Christian, (or was an Ex-Christian, see what I did there?!) I was finally feeling ready to give it up. So while I was touring through the midwest, I fancied a girl, who fancied me back, and we went back to her place. It was similar to any other common first time story; lots of foreplay, difficulty with the bra, etc. Except, son of a bitch, when it came down to it, I couldn't get it up.

 

Now at the moment, I didn't think much of it. I had heard my boss speaking of having "Whiskey Dick," and I had had a considerable number of drinks that night, so I wrote it off as such. It wasn't until it happened a second less drunk time, and third sober, that I began to worry. At first I thought it may have been masturbation habits, but laying off that hasn't seemed to help much. I eventually had the sobering realization that it could very well be my moral approach to sex contrasting to my deep seeded dark vision of it.

 

Which leads me to the present. Again, I'm very peaceful, and I'm not worried about hurting anyone, but what the hell?!? Is this what I get for years of faith and abstinence?! Does anyone have any insight for me? I know I've gotten deeply personal in a very short time, but again, I don't know where to go. I've heard of sex therapy, but that's glorified prostitution, and costs a fortune! Maybe I just need to see a normal therapist? I don't know. If I can't find help here though, at least let my story assure you that....

 

THE OLD TESTAMENT IS DARK AND EVIL. YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE READING IT UNSUPERVISED, OR AT ALL.

 

Cheers.

[BendyLine]

Wow. What a story. You're not alone either, I can relate to a good portion of it. I never got off on the violence in the OT, but the guilt trips I had growing up over things as natural as masturbating, or wanting to see a naked woman really did a number on me. I wouldn't say they ruined my sex life, but it's definitely caused problems. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23, and the first time I had sex it took me a long time to "finish". It sounds like a mental block, but I'd think about maybe talking to a counselor, or a doctor. (Which I know is easier said than done... I could probably use some counseling myself, but I've never bothered to try.)

 

And keep posting here. I'm pretty new myself, but the people here have been very welcoming and understanding.

[mcdaddy]

My wife and I waited until we were married at 23 to do the nasty (although we did practically everything else under the sun until then - typical xian thinking). The day after we got hitched, we were on our honeymoon in Mexico when it was "go time". Now, get this. SHE MADE ME WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM. She was already on the pill, too. She was SO SCARED of getting preggers.....UGGGHHH IT STILL PISSES ME OFF. anyways. After finally getting that shit on, the experience sucked, and I got some horrible freaking blue balls. Woulda been nice to have had some practice and had some good sex down there. But NOOOOOooooo.....we did what GAWD wanted us to do.

 

It took a loooong time to get the sex where it needed to be. She had this guilty feeling about it, even for a while after we got married.

 

Fucking xian morals.

[RankStranger]

Lots of guys have difficulties like this the first few times. I did, and from what I can tell I think its very common. Unfortunately it's not often talked about, so young/inexperienced guys are often blind-sided by this.

[roadrunner]

All 3 of you have experiences similar to mine. By the time you are 23 society has its ideas about sex pumped into your head and when you don't meet those expectations it can be troubling. I'm sure we all found out eventually that we get more and more comfortable with each experience.

 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thethinkingatheist/2012/02/08/religion-and-sexuality

 

I will add that waiting like that to me seemed to cripple the experience with my wife when we got married. The whole pleasure in the experience was ALMOST overshadowed by the anxiety about how I was "performing".

[Margee]

Welcome to EX-c Josh. Thanks for sharing that story. WOW! Sure continues to convince me that a lot of my own life was fucked up because of religion. Welcome to the 'fucked up' club!! You will get more help on this site than anywhere on the internet. We understand you. You keep writing and get a lot of this shit out of you and I guarantee you, if you do a lot of reading - you will start to heal very slowly. I have been on EX-c everyday for 17 months reading and posting and that's how I got healed.

 

If you feel the need for a councellor......go for it....it never hurts.. but I've been told some crazy things from councellors also... so be careful to get the right one.....You will know if you need one in time. I personally listen to those here on

EX -c, who make a lot of sense to me. These people here, have a lot more wisdom that most on earth!! There's a lot of suggestions and good ones! I let my 'gut' show me what feels right for me.

 

Come here everyday and get your little dose of 'healing'. As soon as your head gets healthy.... all the other parts of your life will 'straighten up'!! Lol

 

Big hug for you today!

[roadrunner]

This topic brings up another question.... does anybody know how to get into the Sex and Christianity Forum? JB probably could benefit from it with his position. But I also have experience with both (sex and christianity) but would like to get information and converse with other about it all. Whats the big deal with that one being locked?

[JoshB0XX]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was nervous about posting this. I'm quite enthralled with this podcast as well. Would it be possible for me to procure access to the sexuality page? I feel this post would've been more appropriate there anywho!

[roadrunner]

Welcome home dude.

[Positivist]

Wow, what a story. I really believe Christianity messes with our minds, emotions, morals, and bodies so much that something as natural as sex is (pardon the pun) all fucked up.

 

I agree with the others: See your physician, maybe a therapist too. And just keep gaining experience and being kind to yourself. I think you have a great deal of personal insight to have made the realizations you have.

 

Welcome to Ex-C!

[Legato]

Same story here man. Sexual anxiety is the biggest hangup I have from church. I can get it up but still cant finish most of the time, I guess it's better than lasting two minutes, lol. I think It's all mental and has to do with being relaxed and in the moment. It helps to focus on what you can give instead of your own body but yeah there's hope, give it time.

[Zaphod]

Welcome to you!

 

This guy's talk about the way porn impacts men's brains might be of some help.

 

[izzytheterri]

I also don't have the password to the sexuality forum, so if you've posted there, I'm sorry... but for now I'll just reply here.

 

So. I thought I'd let you know that I can relate in a lot of ways. In fact, I'm a female with similar problems.

 

Having read through the entire Bible, I often got off on the "twisted" accounts of sexuality that are all through the OT. From rape, to incest, gangbangs, mistresses, you name it, it's in there, and sometimes it's graphic. It really skewed my sense of sexuality, and to this day even though my husband and I have a "healthy" sex life in terms of normal society, I have to use fantasy and the internet to satisfy me completely.

 

Thankfully he's ever so gracious about my needs and allows me to seek satisfaction elsewhere, but I definitely cannot be completely happy with him in that way.

[jblueep]

Welcome from another Texas EX-C! I applaud your openness and bravery in putting yourself out there. You've already seen that there are many people here willing to listen and help.

 

Stick around and make some friends. If you still need the password to the sex forum, send me a PM.

[Jose]

Which leads me to the present. Again, I'm very peaceful, and I'm not worried about hurting anyone, but what the hell?!? Is this what I get for years of faith and abstinence?! Does anyone have any insight for me? I know I've gotten deeply personal in a very short time, but again, I don't know where to go. I've heard of sex therapy, but that's glorified prostitution, and costs a fortune! Maybe I just need to see a normal therapist? I don't know. If I can't find help here though, at least let my story assure you that....

 

Psh... www.fetlife.com

 

You aren't even close to the most fucked up person on there. Hell, I'm way more fucked up than you. My suggestion - ROLL WITH IT.

 

My wife is a masochist. I'm a sadist. TA-DA! Instant chemistry. Find a good community of BDSM folks in your area and go to town!

 

I also need the PW for the Sex & Christianity forum. I'd love to continue this discussion there.

[JoshB0XX]

 

 

Psh... www.fetlife.com

 

You aren't even close to the most fucked up person on there. Hell, I'm way more fucked up than you. My suggestion - ROLL WITH IT.

 

My wife is a masochist. I'm a sadist. TA-DA! Instant chemistry. Find a good community of BDSM folks in your area and go to town!

 

I also need the PW for the Sex & Christianity forum. I'd love to continue this discussion there.

 

I've considered it, I'll see what's around.

 

Also I wanted to generally thank everyone again. I have not been able to speak my mind this openly since I turned, and I have no idea why I wasn't trying to find this place sooner! Cookies for everyone! Love!

[Mling]

I agree with Jose. You don't describe much detail, but I can assure you, you are not bad because of this, and there are tons of other people in the world who fantasize the way you do. And, like you, most of them are very peaceful, kind people.

 

The guilt you describe, of having fantasies that go against your sense of morality is ridiculously common. I've asked some friends to help me find some writing/groups on fetlife that address how to reconcile them.

 

Personally, I think that a lot of people are born with a tendency to use their sexuality to process things that scare them (or scared them when they were young). Unconsciously, of course, not deliberately. It's similar to how a lot of people use humor for the same purpose--it gives you a way to stare into the abyss and make sense of it.

[Mling]

Oh! Also, I wrote on the topic of ethical kink (on Christianforums, no less!) a long time ago.

 

Here's that thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t7487768/

 

My thoughts have evolved and become a bit more nuanced since then (I wrote it when I was new to actually being involved in the kink community, and was still in the "THIS IS WONDERFUL AND SOLVES ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS!" stage that newbies to anything go through), but I still stand by most of it.

 

Please don't respond though. I'm trying to break my Christianforums addiction, and I don't want the thread bumped, anyway.

[Habiba]

First and foremost Josh, I applaud your courage to post on this topic. I would agree that Christianity really can bugger you up in your sexuality (pardon the pun!). I can also assure you that embarrassing performance issues can affect us girls too!

 

If controlled "violence" is your thing, I would suggest looking into the BDSM scene, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a little power play, spanking etc with a consenting partner.

 

By the time I belatedly discovered all things sexual - I was 19 when I had my first kiss, and everything else followed fairly hot on the heels of that - I felt I had loosed myself from the trappings of my former strict belief and upbringing, and delighted in liberated exploring. Sadly I was wrong, I think the whole skewed morality that surrounds sex in Christian circles is far more pervasive than you would like to think.

 

Without being unduly graphic, I was able to enjoy foreplay etc, but when it came to "crunch time" it simply wouldn't work. If my boyfriend managed to "get anywhere" at all, I was in excruciating pain and we had to stop. More often than not my body just seemed to whack up a big "no entry" sign. In addition to these problems, which went on for a year with no improvement, I was simultaneously racked with guilt and frustrated, terrified I was somehow abnormal. After each attempt I also felt filthy, was convinced I smelled of sex, and washed my hands like Lady Macbeth after every encounter. Latterly even attempting sex filled me with panic, compounding the existing issues. Eventually these problems led to the crumbling of our relationship. I became wary of embarking on another sexual relationship, and was unsure if I even classed as a virgin or not. I avoided sex completely in the string of poor quality, transient relationships.

 

Masturbation had been a complete "no no" in church morals, leading, allegedly to demonic possession. Eventually I managed to desensitise myself from these outrageous ideas and get on with experimenting. In the few relationships after this epiphany, I reattempted to lose my virginity, succeeding without the horror of the previous times. Despite this, I did not enjoy sex, and was unable to climax. It took a few years for me to reach "normality", to enjoy sex with a long term partner without fear of demonic possession, being struck down by god, or having brainwashing from my childhood cause my body to shut down to sexual things.

[silentknight]

Religion really does a number on sexuality, that's for sure. Other than that, a lot of pressure to perform can be difficult. For me the best sex is always when it happens "naturally" not when either of us plan for it. Stress and other factors can certainly cause arousal issues. Overall, though, I'd definitely think it's more of an emotional block due to religion and how it makes you feel ashamed of sex, and your association of it with the sex of the old testament.

 

I don't have any solutions for you. If you have the money visiting a therapist might help.

 

Good luck. I hope you can find a way past this and have a wonderful sex life.

[par4dcourse]

At 16 I took a long hard look at my pentacostal holiness church's views on sex drugs and rock and roll and mine and decided mine won. Struggled through 'til 18 and never looked back.