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Most Annoying Christian Analogies


jackbauer
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I've sure we've all heard em. Christians come up with half assed analogies to explain their theology because there is no other way it can make any logical sense. Not that analogies are bad, but the way Christians use them is so dishonest.

 

One I've come to despise is the "drowning man" analogy in relation to being saved from hell. Jesus is supposed to be the liferaft and the water is supposed to be hell. What I hate about this is that it completely misrepresents the real message. Infact, the whole notion of "saving" is just a sugar coated way to say "spare". God isn't saving anyone, he's choosing not to damn them when they die. Saving would imply that we were already in hell, but we're clearly not. God doesn't save anyone from hell because according most fundamentalists, once you're there, there's no getting out.

 

A better analogy would be the judge choosing to pay the fine for you. Sure, it's still flawed and implies that we're serving a tryant God, but at least it's accurate in the context.

 

I also hate any analogy that compares their mythical bullshit to scientific facts (like gravity). You can spout it all you want, but SCIENCE IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE CHRISTIANS!!!!

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I heard this one in church a while ago.

 

I'm paraphrasing and condensing but it was something like this.

 

You wake up and find your house on fire. You and your family are trapped inside. Suddenly your neighbor(Jesus) bursts into your home and saves your entire family from the fire(hell). Wouldn't you be greatful to your neighbor(jesus)?

 

The first thing that came to my mind was, it was the neighbor that lit the damn fire in the first place.

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"God is the potter, and you are the clay. Does the clay question the potter?"

 

Unlike clay, I am capable of rational thought and recognizing injustice. I will damn well question the potter any damn time I please. If the potter didn't want me to question him, maybe he should have made me more like a cow, instead.

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An excuse given to me for witnessing.

 

If you've just seen the best movie of your life, wouldn't you want to share it with everyone?

 

Uh, but it's not a movie, and no one tortures someone for eternity for not seeing or not liking the movie. And a movie doesn't rule your life, or dictate your morality (normally). Witnessing isn't sharing an interest, it's NOTHING LIKE IT AT ALL.

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Faith is just like sitting in this chair . . . AUGH!! No it ISN'T.

 

Faith is like sitting in an invisible chair that nobody can see, feel or detect. And, you don't really sit in an invisible chair. Your legs hold you up as you go through the motions of appearing to sit in a chair. And anybody who thinks they really are sitting in an invisible chair is delusional!

 

Following the chair analogy (the invisible one) faith is trusting your own strength then denying it - giving credit to a chair that isn't there.

 

End of rambling rant.

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I can't stand that whole "we are the sheep and He is the shepherd" thing. They always conveniently ignore the fact that the only reason that shepherds raise sheep in the first place is so people can EAT them.

Shepherds don't spend their days and nights living in a meadow in the middle of nowhere, tending smelly animals because they LIKE it. No! They're doing it because they're going to SELL the animals to other people who will use them for FOOD.

Of course, some shepherds raise sheep for ...other purposes... as well, which I find especially appropriate in light of all the pedophile priests running around.

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I heard this one in church a while ago.

 

I'm paraphrasing and condensing but it was something like this.

 

You wake up and find your house on fire. You and your family are trapped inside. Suddenly your neighbor(Jesus) bursts into your home and saves your entire family from the fire(hell). Wouldn't you be greatful to your neighbor(jesus)?

 

The first thing that came to my mind was, it was the neighbor that lit the damn fire in the first place.

 

Yeah, even if we look at it from that perspective, there's no way to get around the fact that he set the fire. Even if he didn't he is supposedly all powerful

and could have easily stopped it without a scratch.

 

Plus, those who have been saved from an actual fire know they've been saved from a real physical danger.

 

And even if a neighbor did save my life, I don't think he'd expect me to be his slave for life.

 

 

"God is the potter, and you are the clay. Does the clay question the potter?"

 

Unlike clay, I am capable of rational thought and recognizing injustice. I will damn well question the potter any damn time I please. If the potter didn't want me to question him, maybe he should have made me more like a cow, instead.

 

That one makes me rage the hardest. It's not only blowing the person off, it's completely destroying their self worth by saying that they are God's PROPERTY. It's the ultimate authoritarian answer in which an abusive authority figure doesn't have to answer for his abuses because he's in charge and subordinates do not have any say over them. Every time I hear someone say this, I die a little inside.

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I can't stand that whole "we are the sheep and He is the shepherd" thing. They always conveniently ignore the fact that the only reason that shepherds raise sheep in the first place is so people can EAT them.

Shepherds don't spend their days and nights living in a meadow in the middle of nowhere, tending smelly animals because they LIKE it. No! They're doing it because they're going to SELL the animals to other people who will use them for FOOD.

Of course, some shepherds raise sheep for ...other purposes... as well, which I find especially appropriate in light of all the pedophile priests running around.

 

This is somthing Kim Jung Un does too.

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When I was in junior high school, the paster decided to explain marriage to my bible school class. It went something like this: If you want to join two pieces of metal together, you have two choices. You can weld them together, so that they original pieces remain, but cannot be separated. Or you can melt them together into an amalgum, so they are fully intermingled. Marriage is like melting the two together, so the partners no longer exist as individuals, but are fully one another.

 

Bullshit!

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If you were sleeping in a hotel and you woke up and it was on fire, wouldn't you want to wake everyone up and drag them out to save them, no matter how cranky they got on waking up? That's how it is with Xians. They know we're all going to burn, so they obnoxiously try to save us for our own good.

 

The only problem is the hotel isn't actually on fire. The person trying to save everyone has a mental disorder and won't listen when people explain nothing is burning. The mental case also refuses to seek help. Arrggghh....

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More of a metaphor, but I heard this gem in church once: "The vultures of God's wrath ATE OUT CHRIST'S EYES for our disobedience!"

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People suffering is like a small child getting immunised. The child doesn't understand the pain it's going through, but you as the parent do.

 

Try to guess where God fits into that. Clue: he isn't the one getting jabbed.

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"If you were about to run off a cliff, wouldn't you want someone to warn you?"

 

*headdesk*

 

Well... yeah, but in this case the danger (the cliff) is a figment of their imaginations, and I'm in no actual danger.

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The one about the father whose son dies on the railway bridge, so that a train may safely pass (it was either the whole train load of people would die, sparing the child playing on the bridge, or the child would die, sparing the train load of passengers).

 

http://www.holwick.com/questionable-illustrations/191-questionable-illustrations-sacrificed-sons.html

 

I always knew something was wrong with this analogy but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Analogies only seem to work ex post facto, making them easy targets of confirmation bias.

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When I was in junior high school, the paster decided to explain marriage to my bible school class. It went something like this: If you want to join two pieces of metal together, you have two choices. You can weld them together, so that they original pieces remain, but cannot be separated. Or you can melt them together into an amalgum, so they are fully intermingled. Marriage is like melting the two together, so the partners no longer exist as individuals, but are fully one another.

 

Bullshit!

 

Sounds like co-dependence. :-) Isn't this why they separate conjoined twins? Because they are having a problem being amalgamated?

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It's exactly like co-dependence. I've still got Christian "marriage seminar" materials around here that talk about exactly this idea in the most glowing of terms.

 

One of our resident fundies, End I think, tried that "but we're just widdle children and don't understand what our awesome big sky daddy is doing when he tells us what to do" line. It worked about as well as one might expect. The way Yahweh parents would get CPS called in short order.

 

Christians are horrible at analogies. I mean, really horrible. It's easy to see why the poorly-educated fall for the religion far more often than do the decently-educated--stuff that "makes sense" to Christians sounds ghastly to outsiders who actually can critically examine the comparisons being made, but the Christians hearing it just go "OH WOW NEATO" and run out to try it out on their non-Christian witnessing practice acquaintances.

 

The one that's annoying me most at the moment is this comparison to skepticism to faith. "I don't have enough faith to be an atheist!" -- I can just hear their little heads binging and lighting up like pinball machines as they file it away to go try it out. It's got to be tough for them when the atheist bats aside the tired chestnut and goes on to demand evidence for Christianity's claims. "But... but... Norman Geisler and Ray Comfort said that'd convert them instantly!"

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It's exactly like co-dependence. I've still got Christian "marriage seminar" materials around here that talk about exactly this idea in the most glowing of terms.

 

One of our resident fundies, End I think, tried that "but we're just widdle children and don't understand what our awesome big sky daddy is doing when he tells us what to do" line. It worked about as well as one might expect. The way Yahweh parents would get CPS called in short order.

 

Christians are horrible at analogies. I mean, really horrible. It's easy to see why the poorly-educated fall for the religion far more often than do the decently-educated--stuff that "makes sense" to Christians sounds ghastly to outsiders who actually can critically examine the comparisons being made, but the Christians hearing it just go "OH WOW NEATO" and run out to try it out on their non-Christian witnessing practice acquaintances.

 

The one that's annoying me most at the moment is this comparison to skepticism to faith. "I don't have enough faith to be an atheist!" -- I can just hear their little heads binging and lighting up like pinball machines as they file it away to go try it out. It's got to be tough for them when the atheist bats aside the tired chestnut and goes on to demand evidence for Christianity's claims. "But... but... Norman Geisler and Ray Comfort said that'd convert them instantly!"

 

We don't mention that name here. This is a safe place.

 

Lulz

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