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Extimony Filius Sancti Facade; The Death Of My Faith


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Oh wow. I'm afraid that this is going to be long, but I have no choice. I am exhausted, and need to get this posted, a.s.ap., just in case my body finally gives out. I think that I'm really doing reasonably okay, all things considered. But I also thought that I was doing okay last November, all the way up until I passed out, because I was internally bleeding to death.

 

One of my breaking points this week, among so many, was that bizarrely Pythonesque moment, when I had to call my internist's nurse, and literally ask her, "Okay, so the only way that I can tell if I'm actually internally bleeding to death again, is if I have blood coming out either end?" And, as unladylike as it made me feel to ask it, it turned out that I was actually correct. Ahem. <cough> <cough>

 

So, onward heathen soldiers, I'd appreciate it if you'd take the time to slog through this mess. You can see it as my request to have witnesses to what I'm currently facing. Because, I write this with the full knowledge that, if either my body finally gives out, or I do end up getting physically hurt--or killed--that what I write here, and what I end up telling the liberal press (if they're willing to go near the story), may be the only public records of what has actually happened to me, and continues to happen.

 

As I told webmaster Dave, I plan on covering only generalities here, if I ever went into any of this. I am simply tired of being silent, because the problems that first began fifteen years ago, continue on today, and have only worsened in some ways. This is directly correlated to my lack of money, physical disability, and bad health, making me such an easy target. And, if nothing else, I really detest bullies--I would never have let someone else go through what I've had to go through, and stand passively by--so it's time for me to finally take a stand.

 

Now, I have finally run out of patience, as of this morning. That is because it never lessens, much less stops, despite the fact that I am terminally ill.

 

I know that I don't have that long. This is a fact that I don't mind. After all, everyone dies, no one gets out of that little complication. The problems that I face now are that I am tired of having to deal with discrimination, emotional abuse, or outright cruel behavior, yet I know that when I stand up for myself, I will be putting my life in danger. This is because all of the bad things that I'm facing right now, directly tie back to my having been stalked, by my former religious advisor in the catholic church (who is a married man, not a priest), and what happened, after I chose to legally protect myself.

 

As I told Webmaster Dave a few days ago, and explained some of the specifics about what is going on, I certainly have no plan on going into specifics here at Ex-C. I just simply need witnesses to the fact that I really do exist, because I have been living what could only be described as an underground life, for the past fifteen years.

 

I realized last Friday that I was going to have to finally do something to protect my health and safety now--no matter what that might cause--and that if I weren't very, very careful, doing so would place a target on my forehead. As I told him, I was going to try to keep things as quiet, and as non-melodramatic as possible (if for no other reason, as anyone that knows me can tell you, than the fact that I truly detest melodrama with a passion).

 

Yet, as of today, I have now been forced to accept the fact that I have absolutely no other choice, than to go public, and as blazingly, hugely, and as loudly as I possibly can manage to do. Here, anonymously, but then openly seeking legal protection, talking to the press--or, simply by posting videos online, if need be, if no journalist is willing to go near my story. That's because, I'm going to have to seek safety in numbers, if I am to have any chance.

 

The problem that I currently face is that I may be terminally ill, but I'd really rather not die before I must. I'd especially dislike it, if I were mudered--I don't think most people would find that preference to be that odd. But I also knew that I probably would be left with no other choice, than going public about everything that I've had to deal with. Which would multiply the risk that I was in exponentially, given the problems that I have to face.

 

Because of that, I had asked webmaster Dave whether he wanted me to quit Ex-C, because I didn't want either him or you to be hit by any flying religious manure and shrapnel, but he said he didn't want me to quit, and for me to put what I needed to.

 

That man will never know how much his saying that meant to me, after the last fifteen years of hell that I've had to face.

 

Ironically enough, what only finally struck me over the past weekend, was that I've been telling myself that the stalking itself finally ended five years ago. Since then, I've worked very hard, to convince myself that all of the continuing difficulties that I've had to cope with since then, have been caused only by the ongoing retaliations that I've had to face. I only finally had to allow myself the thought last weekend, that the stalking itself might never have actually stopped--it just went underground. DOH! <head slap>

 

Admittedly, that wasn't very bright, on my part. Especially considering the entire reason that I finally had to file a restraining order against my stalker in the first place. It was because he had for one thing, sent the police to my apartment for a wellness check, supposedly "out of concern," because I wouldn't return his calls, and had told them that I "lay dying, in my own urine and excrement."

 

Imagine the confusion that the police officer felt, when he finally found me at my best friends apartment. This was because when the officer came in the door, I was standing there, holding up a queen-sized comforter to show to my friend. I had just come home from shopping, because my student loans had just been direct deposited.

 

My stalker had also called me earlier that day, that was why I had left my apartment, to begin with. I wanted to try to clear my head. He had called me from across country, where he lives, to tell me that he was sending one of his parishioners from out of state to my apartment, "to find" me, "so that he could prove his point." I saw that as being bad enough, as a given, but, nearly fainted when I played the rest of the voice mail (which I made a point to record on a tape).

 

That was because on it, he smugly informed me, that this man that was coming to find me was very skilled at what he did, and that was because he was a retired N.S.A. agent. Yeah: National Security Agency. Otherwise known as No Such Agency.

 

Yet, up until a few days ago, I've been stupid enough to allow myself to live in a fog for the last five years. I've continued to tell myself that I was simply being paranoid, whenever my gut instinct has tried to tell me, "This isn't just more retaliation--these problems that you're facing are because of him."

 

I feel like an idiot, for being so dense. How do you get to the point that you can actually convince yourself, that you were "over reacting" to his death threats? Because, he was was going to kill me first, and then himself, so that we could "spend eternity together in heaven." How did I ever allow anyone to convince me that I was a bad person, because I not only felt that he was misjudging the heaven thing as far as his chances were concerned; but also because I also felt so strongly, that I'd rather not be a part of his homicidal "divorce"? I had also never understood exctly how a rabid Right to Lifer, didn't mean anything negative towards me, by his death threats.

 

Last week, after finally accepting that I have no other choice than to act, I had thought, if I can simply move away from here, and at least be able to die in peace, then I'll just let things go, and continue on with my silence; but, the odds of my being able to do that have now reached the point of nil.

 

I actually have spent the last week, trying to get help from the local agencies here to help me, just so I can get some funds to move, but no luck. I was going to simply get on a bus, and leave everything I own behind if need be, as I was told to do, by a two social workers, and a police officer, of all things--that had made it clear to me, that I need to "just go away." (Something like that sure does make you feel all warm, fuzzy, and welcome, lemme tell ya.)

 

The problems that I ran into there, of course, are that I have no money, am physically disabled, and have that irritating little problem of having metastatic cancer, and about (literally) fifteen other diseases.

 

As of this morning, the complications that I now face have worsened, because I finally, totally, one thousand percent, ran out of patience. You can blame that on the fact that I have that other irritating problem, of having this rude, ongoing, nasty habit, of believing that I have the same civil rights as everyone else. Yeah, mighty "uppity" for a physically disabled, hell-bound Buddhist--but what can I say? Just call me Donna Quixote: I dare to dream the impossible dream.

 

As of yesterday afternoon, I was down to being stuck in a limbo of waiting for call backs from two social workers. While they were very nice, both conversations ended with my having to accept the fact that their supervisors might simply bar them from being involved with me at all, much less helping me. (And, as a former advocate, I've got to admit that I understand the reasoning behind this--circle the wagons, for safety.) It totally sucks, royally pisses me off, and I wish that someone would finally have the guts to take a stand for the first time, and protect me, as I have tried to protect them.

 

But it just ain't gonna happen boys and girls, and as of this morning, this failure has officially ran up against the fact that I wish that they could've at least said, "Uh, oh. We have a disabled, terminally ill woman that's at risk! We've got to do something about this right away, if for no other reason than we've got to lessen her stress level! We don't want her to bleed to death internally tonight!"

 

But instead, what happened was that I was put into that telecommication limbo, and was told by both social workers that they have to speak to their supervisors, and check things out, "to see if they'll be allowed to help or not."

 

Gosh, I would've kind've liked to have either one of them to have been willing to at least say, "Okay, I can't help you, but I'll call the police department for you, and tell them, 'Hey officers, even if there's nothing that's specifically criminal going on here? You really need to have full knowledge of exactly what's been happening. That's because this woman isn't a troublemaker--she's just been left with no other option than to go public with her story in order to be safe, and if she does, it's going to put her life in danger. So, this is just a heads up, and be forewarned that this might all end up going 'BOOM!'"

 

There are several reasons that I keep running ito this odd type of shunning non-behavior where no one will help. It first started, when I was forced to start having to deal with retaliations for my doing something as simple as filing a restraining order against the man that stalked me. Chief among them, the fact that, having informed the party in question of everything that I have been put through, I am then automatically going be seen as a person that MIGHT end up in court as the opposing party, suing them for the things that I've just informed them about that are taking place in their place of business, or organization.

 

 

 

This, despite the fact that I have repeatedly gone to truly bizarre lengths over the past thirteen years alone, to NOT use even the few legal capabilities that I possess, in order to protect myself, as a former volunteer legal advocate,. I certainly NEVER actually got an attorney to represent me, either in court, or out. I have chosen to do neither-- other than "allowing" myself to do innane things like writing formal requests for a working toilet, shower, oven, and fridge in my apartment. I would have thought those would be appropriate expectations, but evidently, they are not. They still got me labeled as even more of a "troublemaker."

 

Because of these types of responses, as of this morning, I've had to finally accept that I've officially got no more ground to give. I must act, in order to protect myself. This is even though I know full well that my doing so will put my life in danger.

 

I had multiple breaking points that have happened over the past week alone, because of behavior that I've had to deal with from several individuals, and these incidents, like everything else that has happened over the past fifteen years, are complicated as hell to try to explain. (After all: it's difficult to make sense of the nonsensical.)

 

I will say though, that another one of my breaking points, came last night. It happened when I wrote an explanatory email, to one of the friends that I was forced to disappear to, more than a decade ago in my efforts to be safe. (I had to disappear to both my friends, and my associates.)

 

My breaking point came about, because I am not even remotely what you could describe as a "weepy girly girl," but as I sat there, trying to write this letter, all I could do instead was type and sob like a wailing banshee, like a total wuss. You see, over the course of all of these years, I haven't ever let myself miss my friends, before last night. That was because I knew, beyond that point there be dragons, and they might just eat me alive.

 

This ridiculous, hysterically weeping, sobbing typing, really irritated the hell out of me, for several reasons. This is not only because of all of the painful grief that it represented. It also doesn't bode well, given the fact that that I also developed a thing for Hello Kitty two years ago. If nothing else, the new weepy girly girl crying thing, combined with the new bizarre fondness for Hello Kitty, are glaring proof that I have finally reached the limits of the amount of stress that I can take.

 

This business of being a nothing more than a carbon-based unit, certainly is a royal pain in the ass. The past fifteen years of fear and stress slowly chipping away at me, have finally brought me to where I currently am. This is all because of the subsequent stress and physical damage, caused either directly or indirectly, by my having been stalked, and then retaliated against to such extreme lengths, for my having dared to try to legally protect myself in such a minimal way.

 

No wonder I feel bullied. It's because I have been, and by those that use faith as a weapon of mass destruction. Only in this case, not of a country, or an army--but of a 5'8" terrorist Buddha-lover like me. Sorry, but I just happen to find it to be ironic as hell, that my Buddhism is the ONLY thing that has kept me strong enough, to keep from causing all of the damage that I could have quite legally caused. Both to the guilty, and the innocent, had I only chosen to say, "This is my legal right, in any court of law in the land! I claim my pound of flesh!"

 

Part of the reason that I have made so many people angry over the ten years that have now passed since I filed the restraining order against the man that stalked me, is that I finally no longer possessed the energy, to even keep up the facade of faith in order to keep from being harrassed.

 

Then, after having dealt with all of the abuses, I finally ran out of patience almost two years ago, and dared to do the unthinkable. I got pissed off enough to just come out and say:

 

"I am a Buddhist, this is what I am. This is what I started out as, and I never should have been shamed, and manipulated, into being anything else. Stop going to so much effort, to try to shame me back into behaving the way that you want me to--because it's never going to work ever again. I was stalked by someone that I once trusted, and he used the power of religious fanaticism as a weapon against me, and I refuse to be ashamed of that anymore either, too. I did nothing wrong; I have been victimized, but I am no one's victim. I am an American citizen, and I have the right to religious freedom! I-am-no-longer-a-christian. Deal with it, because you will never silence me about that fact again!"

 

So, we shall see where things go from here, but I have no more ground to give. They have silenced me for long enough, but I've now been left with no other choice, than to finally speak.

 

Thank you all for being here, and for being witnesses to the fact that I do really actually exist. Because I disappeared to all of my friends and acquaintances more than a decade ago, in an effort to be safe. I had the strength to email that friend last night, and explain what happened, only because you gave me the strength.

 

You are all the only reason that I've been able to keep from giving up over the past two months. Because, when I first started coming here, I had been within less than a hair's breadth of finally just giving up.

 

Thank you for giving me the strength to not only go on, but to also now finally do what I have to do. I'm now only able to deal with it, because you have all reminded me of what it feels like, to be treated like a a human being again. For that, I shall be forever in your debt.

 

As I told webmaster Dave, Valk, and Sharon, you've all done what you can do. Valk and Sharon have both my full legal name, and the name of the city where I now live, just in case anything does happen.

 

Now, it's time for me to go draw a line in the sand.

 

That will start by my writing up formal complaints with the Department of Justice, and include my contacting the press. Wow, am I ever tired, but I've yet to find any help. Even if I were to get donations to help me move, I can't have access to the money, or I lose my SSI disability income dollar for dollar--and would also lose my Medicaid at one point. THAT was why someone at Social Security told me to do whatever I must, but to also make sure that I go to the Feds. . .

 

So, here the saga finally begins. Wish me luck! smile.png

 

 

 

<hugs>

 

Anna

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Anna..thanks for sharing such sad intimate details of your life hon! Life can be so god-damned unfair. I am so sorry to have been through all of this and it's not over yet..... Whatever I can do to be a friend...you just call on me..I'm right here for ya.

 

P.m. anytime you want to talk and rant or just get your feelings out.......I'll be there to listen.

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Thank you all so much for the support. It's been a very, very long time since I had real support, from people of a like mind--as opposed to a pat on the head from someone that simply thought I was strange, and was trying to humor me. smile.png

 

I'll just keep hanging on to my motto, of, "Life is not only what you make of it, it's also what you perceive it to be," and keep reminding myself that at least I'm not living in Zimbabwe, kneeling in the dust, waiting to get my head lopped off. So sue me, this is simply how I choose to respond--because response is after all, a choice. Boy, does it ever piss some people off, when I say things like that! smile.png

 

All I know is that I'm thankful that I am so tough. I just wish that I wasn't equally gentle, because that part can be a royal pain in the ass! LOL

 

I do think that it's a given that I'm going to get TOTALLY trashed by the end of all of this, but I don't care in the slightest. I just feel totally neutral about it all now. You can have NO idea of what a relief it was to finally, finally, finally, write about it.

 

As it's pretty obvious, I'm using my writing to sort things out.

 

Okay, part of this is my usual, automatic Buddhist response of "It is what it is." <shrugs> I'm very thankful, that I learned so very long ago to have any response that I wish to have, to any circumstance, no matter how bad it may get. I'm definitely NOT a kneejerker! LOL

 

But, what also helps with this whole mess, is that it's like I said in the topic: I have no more ground to give. There simply are no decisions left to make.

 

The truly ironic part though, is that through all of these incidents that have happened-- in what is now a total of four states--the different people that have caused me all of these problems, have thought that I haven't responded to any of it, out of fear of what they might do to me. They've been absolutely CONVINCED that I'm 100% doormat. LOL

 

Talk about backwards! Because I have chosen not to respond out of fear all right, but it has been fear that I would cause damage to innocent people. When things come out, that comment will make sense.

 

The other reason that I feel so totally neutral about it all now, involves what I told Valk the other night. That was that a few days ago, everything just clicked, and I finally understood something. You see, I'll freely admit: there is this part of me that believes in the metaphysical. It's that damned right brain at work again, I guess. That part of me, was how krystyanity got into my brain, because I have truly experienced some damned odd things, over the course of my life.

 

So, there was that part of me, kind of wondering, "What if I'm wrong to be doing this? What if I really WILL end up in hell?" And, the other day, I was thinking about why I decided to deal with things the way that I'm going to. The major reason for it, has nothing to do with me personally. It's because I simply believe that ALL of the abuses that have been perpetrated under the guise of religion, will never stop. That I know. (I also CANNOT help but wonder just how many women have gone through another version of exactly what I've been through.)

 

Don't get me wrong: I believe absolutely in religious freedom. As a Buddhist, I'm certainly in dire need of it. But I do NOT believe that we can't put protections in place, to protect people from those that manipulate the system, and use the power that religious freedom gives, as a weapon of choice, to perpetrators. All you have to do is look at the documentation of generations of priests now, that have played the part of the caring "representative of god here on earth," as they criminologically groom their victims for abuse.

 

So, having said all that, it suddenly struck me again, the other day, "What if what I'm doing really is wrong for some reason, and all of those people that told me that the church can do no wrong were correct, and I really AM going to hell for finding fault with them, and especially for finding fault with them so publicly?"

 

And it hit me: it's okay, either way. Because, either I'm right, or I'm wrong--and hell really does exist, and I am actually going there, for all eternity, but I'm okay with that too.

 

Or, as I sat and quite literally said out loud to myself the other day, "Okay god, if I really am wrong, and there really is a hell, and I'm going there? Well, I freely accept that, and I am going to continue on with my course, and doing what I plan to do. Because if what I'm going to do, makes one person feel brave enough to question the behavior of one abuser, be they a lay-person, a priest, a minister, a rabbi, or a church elder, or whatever, and it saves just one child from harm? Well, then that's more than enough for me. I'll be happy to end up in hell then, if that's the price that I have to pay, to keep that one kid safe. This is my final decision, and I choose it freely. Oh, and by the way, I'm not trying to be rude, but you totally suck, if this is how things really work."

 

And I suddenly just felt free, and I knew that I was finally truly free of the cult that is christianity. I simply believe in the power of all that is good, kind, caring and compassionate in the world--even though I'm very familiar with its opposite--and that's more than enough for me.

 

Also, as I told Valk the other day, too, "If those of us that are older like me, aren't willing to take a stand, then how can we expect our kids to trust us, or to care about a damn thing? So I'm going to fight as hard as I can, for as long as I can, and I'm not going to do it for me anymore. I'm going to do it for the millenials."

 

So, I may, or may not end up in hell in the afterlife, I think that I'm pretty safe in assuming that I won't, but who knows?

 

But, I'm pretty certain that my life on earth is going to turn into a personalized version of hell for me quite soon, because of what I'm planning to do. Even though I know it's the only ethical way to respond to all of this, but that's okay with me too. Because I now freely choose it, instead of doing it as nothing more than a reaction to abusive behavior.

 

That's why I changed my signature to what it is now. It was part of my decision to once again feel however I choose to, instead of how these abusive idiots expect me to--simply because they think that I "should." Damn, am I ever totally only a frigging Buddhist again, and it feels good! It's just too bad, that it took me thirty-five years to do! wink.png

 

clap.gif

 

.

 

 

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Since I started posting here--especially, after I posted my extimony last night--several of you have made the comment to me, that my strength makes you feel weak, but you should never feel that way! smile.png

 

I'm just in a a completely different situation, than any of you.

 

I've got no spouse or kids to protect, and no job that I have to worry about losing. I lost all of the goals that I was working toward, and all of the belongings that were worth hanging on to, long ago, because of all of this stupidity that I currently face.

 

What I'm doing right now isn't by choice, or out of strength. It's out of necessity; I have no other options left. There's simply no possibility of my ever even being either safe, or remotely happy, over the remainder of my life, having to live this way.

 

I just literally have got nothing left to lose.

 

So, all of you stand strong, and don't let the way things are break you. Keep living your low-key lives, if you have that option available to you, take it--but, whatever you do, don't give up.

 

Because that's the only way that (even if it will never perish) religious discrimination will at least lessen to a dull roar--one day.

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