Venting About Abusers

[scatterbrain]

Oh, I do know, WMD.. more than you know. I freeze up when people I love scream at me- it's a natural response. In my case, it *was* my dad.. and then others in my family.

 

What matters is that you understand that you can't be around that, and that you are actively taking steps in that direction- asking for what you need and creating the world you want is NOT weakness.

[pandora]

Wow... I am heartbroken after reading all your stories. I never experienced any abuse from my parents, not even mental (except for the Christianity bullshit). My dad was an agnostic atheist and my mom was Catholic, I was initially raised Catholic very casually and then I chose to go to Protestant churches as I got older. My friends had convinced me that Catholicism was a cult. My parents did not have any understanding of what the churches I went to taught, so they didn't try to stop me. My dad died when I was 12 and I have "daddy issues" because of it, so I know how that is. My mother was a wonderful woman and we were very close. She died last year. One time, one of her boyfriends tried to rape me when I turned, 18, but he was drunk enough that he was easy to escape. I'm lucky to haven't had the experiences you guys did. It seems to be endemic within the cult.

 

My ex-husband was physically abusive. It wasn't horrible, but he would rage and end up slapping me around or shoving me into furniture and I would get all bruised up. Thankfully it didn't happen often and we divorced soon after that pattern developed. I did notice a change in myself after that... I get very fearful of any man that looks angry and is clenching his fists. I just wanna crawl in a corner and cry when my current boyfriend gets angry, even though I know that he wouldn't come after me. It just brings me back to the times my ex threw me against things and I feel my heart race like I've never felt before whenever I encounter any angry male. I am more apt to just let situations go in general than argue or stand up for myself now, although not nearly to the extent that most of you probably do and my fiance does (see below).

 

My fiance has experienced some severe sexual and physical abuse. His dad would tie him up by his hands, hang him from the ceiling somehow, and whip him with a real whip. He would then proceed to anally rape him. I shudder even to think. He also physically abused him and his brother in other ways, nearly every day. I see the horrible effects on his life. He has such a hard time standing up for himself and he shuts down completely, going off to a room to pout for hours when I just get excited in a minor argument over small things. He can't stand up to his ex to see his kids because he shuts down at her verbal abuse. I have a lot of compassion for him so I have to be careful how I appraoch things. Sometimes the spouses of abused people have a lot to deal with too.

 

Have any of you tried support groups? Of anything my fiance has done, a support group for men who have been sexually abused has been the most helpful. More helpful than medication and counseling from a psychotherapist. He had had to do a lot of work just to even be able to talk about it and it helps him to know his "personality flaws" are rooted in the abuse and that others have difficulty with the same things he has difficulty with. He is finally able to cry about it and direct any anger towards the source, instead of at life and shutting down. Most of you sound like you cope pretty well, but I'm just saying that support groups of one's peers is often very helpful.

[stryper]

I have often said that my situation was worse than some and better than others. I think in many of the cases here it would fall into the better than others.

 

To detail, From my mother she remembers when I was two and playing in the living room. Dad got pissed off at something in the kitchen and threw a stool without looking into the living room. It missed me by inches.

 

I can remember getting slapped, hair pulled (out in some cases), spanked with and without a belt. I can remember crying about these things and dad. Just walking off.

 

Yelling always preceded these incidents. So Silent, I get the shutting down thing. It became apparent to me when I was working construction. The boss yelled at me for something that I was doing to the best of my ability, and I just started to shut down. Then I freaking yelled back with exactly what I had been doing and why, that I know I screwed it up, so I was trying to fix it. After that the boss backed off.

 

But it made me realize something. We all know from psychology the technique of having multiple personalities. We've all heard the tales of someone disappearing from everyone who knew them and they wake up 2 years later somewhere else living a "life" that is not theirs. In my work with the Micheal teachings, it was pointed out that we actually create these personalities all the time and fore many different reasons.

 

With me, I created one I called the crying child. When the yelling would start from someone who I perceived has having authority or power over me, I would be gripped by fear. My hands would shake. I would start to cry. I could feel the fear in my chest growing like a scream that couldn't get out. I was a 30 year old man and still found myself responding like a child to adults who yelled.

 

Standing up to the boss helped. However, writing the letter mentioned in the my ex-timony helped more. It was the realization of what was triggering the response that helped me to analyze why I was responding that way. That lead to healing.

 

I can remember many good times growing up that were ruined because my father got pissed off at something and took it out on us. I find myself constantly trying to correct those same behaviors when I see my self doing them.

 

It can sometimes be hard to hear how some seem to just be over everything. When I find myself doing the best that I can and still finding problems. But in reading these, I can see that over it, doesn't mean it's gone.

 

My father taught me I was never safe. He could explode at any moment. I learned that my feelings or emotions were always wrong. I learned that I couldn't rely on him for comfort, and mom was not very good at it either. I learned that I was never important enough to talk to or play with. TV was more important. My sister actually had my dad fall asleep on her when she was in a conversation with him.

 

These are things that I still deal with today.

 

 

Sorry for the rambling post. I hope it makes sense to some.

[SilentLoner]

I can relate to "shutting down" around people who get crazy. My mother and I have always had a love-hate relationship - there's little to no middle ground.

 

In my teens (and even now) we have viscous, soul-tearing fights. I can't remember them, even mere days after they happened. All I draw is a huge blank - like my mind refuses to process what went down.

 

I also am no stranger to daddy issues - mine left when I was 16 and I've developed an unfortunate habit of being attracted to much older men. Its not healthy.

[WMDKitty]

How do you deal with it when your parents -- as well-meaning as they are -- inadvertently blame you for being abused? "Why didn't you just come to us?" Gee, I dunno, maybe because I was fucking terrified? Not afraid of my parents, no... afraid of my ex.

[wanderinstar]

^{My heart goes out to all of you. Abuse of all kinds can be so damaging to us physically, mentally and emotionally and the effects linger through various manifestations for many, many years. Hopefully we are all heading in the direction of recovery and will continue to see improvements as time passes.}

 

^{During my childhood I was regularly sexually abused by an extended family member despite having good parents who definately love me. They didn't know, I was unable to tell due to threats from my abuser. Fastforward to becoming a christian at 21 years of age due to my past abuse experiences I was a sitting duck for the deliverence and faith healing 'ministries'. They promised total healing of the PTSD from the abuse and I was so desperate for it I believed them and 'god' completely. For five years I had regular deliverence sessions (demons cast out, sins repented of abusers forgiven). How it never crossed my mind that Jesus's death on the cross must have been so inadequate, and gods power weaker than satans for me to need dozens of sessions of deliverence to be healed is beyond me.}

 

^{Surprise, surprise it didnt work and now as a non christian I am finally begininng to properly process the child abuse and church abuse by seeing a professional, secular therapist. Sadly a close friend of mine who was my 'mentor' when I was a christian and had also fallen into this deliverence/faith mindset ended up killing herself. She was also a victim of child abuse but she believed Jesus had healed her completely so when she began to relapse she ignored the symptoms and had no one to turn to as she was supposedly 'healed' and a church example of such healing. I am sure without this religious crap and proper help she would be here today. This almost became my fate as I was the poster child for my church of a healed child abuse victim and had to pretend to myself and others that i was still well when it all fell apart again.}

 

^{The rage I feel over this abuse is beyond words. PEOPLE ARE DYING! To pick some of the most vulnerable and promise them the impossible then blame them for it not coming to pass is unconscionable to say the least. There should be legal recourse but as they were practicing a religion (masqueraded as therapy) they are free to destroy lives with no fear of the law. Instead I am trying to find a way to use my skills to reveal the hideous monster that is christianity and hopefully set some of those trapped in harmful religion free. Christianity will wish it never met me.}

[LivingLife]

These stories have to come out in the public eye. This type of crap really irks me and this all seems to happen under the umbrella of faith/religion. Then trying to fix (read:hide the matter) the victim seems par for the course as the church and religion cannot be shown to be wrong. A loving god would not allow this yet it happens.

 

I too was sorta abused as a kid by the next door neighbour's son who was much older than me. I had no long term issues and had moved on but then someone gave me a book on inner healing and I went through some therapy which was obviously not necessary. It all started with not being able to connect with gawd hearing weekly how folk lied testified how gawd had spoken to them. Latent sin was the cause and this molestation was apparently THE issue.

 

We all know that gawd is fictitious and as such there was fuckall wrong with me, my logical self was starting to kick in. In these so called holy spook therapy sessions, they do pretty much the same as fortune tellers do, make vague assumptions and hope you connect the dots in your memory.

 

Long story short, my folks NEVER sat me down and gave me appropriate sex ed and as such I was finding out from peers how to masturbate and whys and wherefores. Of course we all know masturbation is a sin right?

 

THIS is the issue with religion as parents fail to address this matter in time or think and hope they will be peer educated and hope for the best. Sex is bad is the mantra in religious circles and that is why people get taken advantage of or get "raped" or abused by a extended family member. With my kids, they have the liberty to speak to us as we never made issues about nudity, sex and I would be approachable if they ever were "attacked" by say an adult or teacher. I left my wife to address my daughter but made her do it as she was also a tad prudish in this regard.

 

Coercion by the church, being made to feel victims with doctrines of original sin is a sure recipe for disaster waiting to happen. It is high time they fucking woke and addressed this real issue and stop worrying about two consenting adult males fucking each other.

[jdog]

I have vented before about the abuse that went on at another website. I think its good to vent. And I have mentioned it here before but not gone into details. I remember certain things as if they happened yesterday.

 

So many memories. And things trigger them. Father was physically abusive to me and sister. And my mother had her fits of anger too.

 

An example of One incident is my father attempted to strangle me in a fit of rage because i had written down the word "fuck" in a story i was writing. It was part of a dialog. I was writing about a boy but it wasn't sexual stuff and very innocent but I was a creative writer and was realistic about how teens talked. I was 13. My father chased me through the house as i was trying to get away from him. I ran to the bathroom as it had a lock on the door but I couldn't get in there quick enough. He slammed me up against the wall in the bathroom, I hit my head on the cabinet as he was choking me. I couldn't breathe and he was screaming at me about my use of foul language and also boys and sex and all of that.

Things were never the same for me after that day. It was traumatic. I was scared of my father prior to that incident but the strangling incident really frightened me because I thought he was going to kill me. And I realized he had the potential to do so.

 

There was a lot of screaming and yelling in my home growing up. I was always on tender hooks. I Never felt safe or secure.

 

And it was so up and down. Like minutes later after a hitting and screaming session. We were expected to sit at the dinner table and be social. And my mother tells me to not look so miserable and to smile. It fucked with my head.

And then Sunday comes around and we all went to church and played happy family.

If ever my parents thought me and sister were lying about something we were made to place our hand on the bible and swear to God that we were telling the truth. Father used bible and God to put fear in us.

But they weren't religious. Didn't pray at home and They had a vague understanding of the bible and we stopped attending church eventually.

 

I have an anxiety disorder and feel it is due to past events. I try and focus on here and now and my present life as much as possible. I have a good life now. Loving husband, great kids and grandson.

I have minimum contact with parents and have not seen them in a five years. But they do live in another country. We talk on phone once a month. And that still causes me anxiety. We never talk about the past.

I have Never told them or confronted them about how i feel of what happened when growing up and how they treated me and my sister. It's swept under the carpet.

I am fearful to speak of it to them. So many years have passed. They probably have forgotten but i have not as I get reminders. And I can't watch a movie or tv show where there is a loving moment between a father and daughter or mother and daughter without me feeling sad and feeling a loss of something I never had.

 

I love my parents and have tried much to forgive but is still tough at times. My dad is still a bully at times and has not changed much. And I have often felt hate for him and disgust and a whole mix of feelings and that has caused me guilt.

then I feel sorry and compassion for my parents. My mother often nauseates me because of how she says how great he is but then in the past she has phoned my sister crying because of his bullying ways. She use to use me as her therapist. When I was 14 she told me how terrible he was in bed and justified her reason for fucking the next door neighbor which I had to keep quiet about. It was a crazy home life.

 

They are in their late 70's now and I keep the peace. but I have all this shit in my memory bank. You cant erase shit like that.

 

Anyhow I wanted to say that I can relate to much that has been shared here and it saddens me that these things happened to so many of you.

 

And Many of your stories are disturbing but hell Pandora, your fiancé. That is horrendous and so sick. The poor guy. I wish your fiance healing and peace and I am happy he has you and he has support from his group.

 

I hope we can all continue to heal from the various abuses we all have suffered.

 

Hugs to all.

 

 

 

[silentknight]

Wow. the amount of tragedy some of you have had to go through is truly terrible. Especially Pandora's fiance!

 

I can't speak for others, but I've found my experiences to be a "double edged sword". Certainly it was unpleasant, and I bear some scars due to it, but it shaped me as a person, and I find that I'm probably a better person for having undergone hardship.