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Drowning


Galien
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I often describe my inner life as a vast underground lake. The water is the pain I carry. I negotiate my boat through it most days, until something happens externally and the winds of pain cause waves, sometimes small enough for me to negotiate, sometimes large enough to capsize the boat and leave me gasping for breath again. What I have never mentioned before are the bodies, They are me, the corpses of my hopes and dreams and love and the vast emotional investments I have made, murdered by those who just took their fill of whatever it was I could offer them, then left me.

 

 

As I begged them to stay, they forced me down under the water again and again, the life and the hope draining from me while I looked square into their eyes, hoping and begging for a glimpse of compassion that would cause them to stop pushing me under. But there wasn’t any, they held me under for the last time until I stopped hoping and stopped begging. They killed our relationship and a part of me with it. They would stand, watchng to make sure I was dead. Then walk away. That was their problem solved, they had gotten rid of me.

 

There are so many corpses in my lake, lost loves and friendships. I tend to ignore them most days with their dead eyes, but I know they aren’t really dead at all, just dead inside from the withdrawal of love. Every time another part of me is being drowned they all moan and they all feel all the pain all over again. I hate that this happens to me, but I know I have never done that to anyone else, and that provides me with a small amount of comfort.

 

Because of this burden of pain I carry, all these half dead parts of me, it reminds me every day not to drown anyone else. This has made my life a misery, because I am constantly vigilant that I do not drown anyone elses hopes and dreams and love where I am concerned. It has not worked in my favour, it made me stay in relatonships that are not healthy, that have ended up costing me a lot,because I cannot imagine holding someone else under the water while the hope and love drains out of them, no compassion in my dead eyes.

 

What this means for me though is that I can never walk away from anything. I am chained to things that are not emotionally healthy for me, things that are unequal because I cannot do that to anyone, even when it needs to be done, even when it means my very survival. For the first time in my life I have to drown a relationship, I have to hold a man who loves me under the water and do to him what has been done to me so many times. I keep avoiding it because every part of my being screams NO!! you cannot do this, but the other side of me knows it has to be done. His treatment of me has made me lose my love for him, and the relationship is over. My prime directive says don’t treat anyone else the way you have been treated, my brain tells me if I stay in this reationship any longer it is going to end up hurting us even more. I care about this man deeply, I am just no longer in love with him.

 

Every corpse in my lake is screaming at me, begging for mercy on his behalf, the sound of it is deafening in my ears, the sound heart wrenching. But for the first time my reason has outweighed my emotion and my pain, the burden of the years of being trapped in things that are not good for me also screaming loud and clear. I fight with myself, one minute the look in his eyes allows the emotional side of mysef to win, the next my feelings of being trapped in a relationship I don’t want to be in take over, and I want to fight for myself and my own happiness. This battle is consuming me.

 

I care for this man deeply, we have worked through many things together, but we are not compatible on a very deep level. I am angry at him because he neglected me when I needed him. He didn’t do it on purpose but it destroyed my confidience in him. It is so hard for me to trust men ever, I really thought he would never hurt me like that. But then that is what I always think.

 

I don’t know how to understand what goes on inside other people, I only know what goes on inside me. I am a very very emotional, sensitive and fragile soul. Other people are not like that. He IS like that. I appreciate his love and kindness but I could rip his fucking head off for destroying my trust in him. He wants to fix it but it is too late, the damage has been done now. How do I hold his head under and see the pleading in his eyes, and just drown him anyway? I don’t even begin to know how to do that without it driving me completely insane. How do I put myself first, for pretty well the first time in my life and still feel okay about killing someone else’s hopes and dreams like that? I don’t know.

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My prime directive says don’t treat anyone else the way you have been treated, my brain tells me if I stay in this reationship any longer it is going to end up hurting us even more. I care about this man deeply, I am just no longer in love with him.

 

He wants to fix it but it is too late, the damage has been done now. How do I hold his head under and see the pleading in his eyes, and just drown him anyway? I don’t even begin to know how to do that without it driving me completely insane. How do I put myself first, for pretty well the first time in my life and still feel okay about killing someone else’s hopes and dreams like that? I don’t know.

 

Your life sounds grim as can be. But good for you for realizing you can't stay in a bad situation forever.

 

Your prime directive is admirable. But I also hear you assuming that merely breaking up with him would hurt him as much as you have been hurt in the past. That's not necessarily true. By your own admission you hurt unusually easily and hang onto the hurt an unusually long time. Two things: one, he may not suffer as much as you would in a similar situation (even if he is "sensitive"); and two, understanding suffering as you do, you have the opportunity to let him go as gently as possible.

 

I know, the letting go is never, ever easy, and of course you don't know how he'll respond. But you've clearly made up your mind that you must do it, and you sound as if you have enough depth of heart to do it as decently as possible.

 

Good luck.

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(((((Galien)))))

 

Dunno what to say right now... just ow!

 

Maybe I'll find some more words later, when my morning coffee has taken full effect, but now...

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He wants to fix it but it is too late, the damage has been done now.

 

Hello Galien, as I was reading your OP, I was thinking, it seems pretty clear she should end it. Then I got to the above part. You're sure that the two of you can't move beyond the damage he did and that he cannot "fix" it? If you are sure, then yes, it seems you should break up. People don't change that much.

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