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My Extimony- Very Long


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I was raised in an evangelical home with a single mother. Sunday morning, evening, Wednesday night and whenever else something was happening. My mother was very involved in the church. Needless to say, she paid little attention to me or my sister, but paid more attention to my sister. They still have more of a relationship than I do with either of my parents.

I had decided I wanted to be dead by the time I was 18 when I was about 10 years old (I think, I’m fuzzy on the age, I keep thinking I was 9). When I was 12, I was suicidal and wrote my mother a note that I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. She came in crying with the note at 5 am and asked if I had written it, and I’m like well of course I did. I was flabbergasted that she cared or was even surprised at all. And I ended up having to comfort HER! HA!

My mother actually took me shopping for cds, Christian only of course. This is the best memory I have of my mother emotionally. She was actually hanging out with me! I wanted to be a good evangelical Christian who could get people to come to church with her and everything. I did what I could to get my mother to always pay attention and love me, but it never really happened.

Age 14 first relationship, verbally abusive (note: I started the verbal abuse) for 3 years. At age 16, I became a Christian goth. (Yes, they do exist.) I’ve always been drawn to dark imagery and wanted to wear a lot of black clothes so I could feel more comfortable being myself. Of course I had to prove that this was not condemned by the Bible, and I actually succeeded which was very strange. I also started cutting myself when I was 16 due to my relationship and the amount of stress from school.

As I have explained elsewhere, I started researching other religions mainly with the premise that I wanted to know the enemy so I could better debate with them. I started with Satanism, then orthodox Christianity.

I was so glad to be free when I was 18 years old. I moved to Boston for school. Then I dove into Gnosticism in which I got hooked on a Gnostic cult’s ideas due to their “this is the only way” riff that I was so used to hearing. There was more sexual guilt in this cult than when I was growing up. It was more direct and even more sinful. Later I researched Islam and tried tying it into the cult.

I basically went from relationship to relationship, (long relationships not weekly ones). The last relationships I was in are the most important. I was with a married liberal Christian couple. I basically convinced them that polyamory is not outside the teachings of Jesus since he believed in loving everyone. The woman finally realized she was at the very least bisexual, and the man was my boss when I was a student and we were just attracted to one another. We basically manipulated everyone to get what we wanted. We both feel very guilty about this. I also convinced them that their kids shouldn’t be in school, which I still believe. I homeschooled them for a year. Anyway, during this time I lived there and I wanted to be the one that was responsible for the kids, I didn’t want help homeschooling or anything. I really really struggled with feeling like I was worth anything to these people. I started researching Satanism again in November after researching paganism and getting fed up with the same “love your neighbor” crap. Anyway, my male partner, did not like this at all. As a matter of fact it terrified him. Because even though he was a very liberal Christian who had two wives he considered Satan real. I got slapped in the face with fundamentalism from a liberal Christian.

And then one day I woke up and said I can’t do this anymore. And I found a place and I moved while the kids were at their grandparents. And now I am on my own and terrified. It’s the first time I’ve called myself an atheist. It’s the first time I’ve really said “okay there is no God. I don’t personally believe in this crap.” I tried so hard to make it all work and through very extreme and bizarre methods. I miss the kids because they became like my own in a sense. And I don’t feel like I can go back there. And now I’m struggling with having no one. I have a lot of social anxiety, so to leave that family was to leave almost everything I had.

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Thanks for sharing your story, bloodyengel. Skepticism is lonely business. But it is so freeing! It sounds like you have overcome quite a bit of adversity in your life. I hope that you are able to find a place where you can feel at home. :)

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Thank you for sharing. Actually I would call that very short. :)

 

I'm glad you figured all this out while you were still young. You have over come so much. Feel proud of yourself and take the rest one step at a time.

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.... I did what I could to get my mother to always pay attention and love me, but it never really happened.

 

... I also started cutting myself when I was 16 due to my relationship and the amount of stress from school.

 

I was so glad to be free when I was 18 years old. I moved to Boston for school. Then I dove into Gnosticism in which I got hooked on a Gnostic cult’s ideas due to their “this is the only way” riff that I was so used to hearing. There was more sexual guilt in this cult than when I was growing up. It was more direct and even more sinful. Later I researched Islam and tried tying it into the cult.

 

I basically went from relationship to relationship, (long relationships not weekly ones). The last relationships I was in are the most important. I was with a married liberal Christian couple...

....the man was my boss when I was a student and we were just attracted to one another. We basically manipulated everyone to get what we wanted. We both feel very guilty about this.

 

....We basically manipulated everyone to get what we wanted. We both feel very guilty about this.

 

...Anyway, during this time I lived there and I wanted to be the one that was responsible for the kids,

 

...I really really struggled with feeling like I was worth anything to these people.

 

...I got slapped in the face with fundamentalism from a liberal Christian.

 

And then one day I woke up and said I can’t do this anymore. And I found a place and I moved .....

 

And now I am on my own and terrified. It’s the first time I’ve called myself an atheist. It’s the first time I’ve really said “okay there is no God. I don’t personally believe in this crap.” I tried so hard to make it all work and through very extreme and bizarre methods. I miss the kids because they became like my own in a sense. And I don’t feel like I can go back there. And now I’m struggling with having no one. I have a lot of social anxiety, so to leave that family was to leave almost everything I had.

 

bloodyengel,

 

From what you've chosen to tell, you have a wealth of experience from which to draw.

 

When my horizons began to collapse around and on top of me I went to see a close friend of mine.

 

He ask me if I had ever listen to the story of my life and what I had been telling myself about who I was and what my life was about.

 

Not long after having thought about what he had ask me I began, with some help from some trusted friends, to develop the skill of listening.

 

I began to listen to what I had been telling myself about who and what I was. I learned to listen to what my body was telling me about my health. I began to listen to the stories of others.

 

What I discovered was ever person has a story that gives them clues to the answers they seek--"Where did I come from?" "With whom do I belong?" What are my obligations not only to myself but to the world of which I am a part?"

 

"Who has wounded me?" "Who have been my helpers?" "How can heal my dis-easy-ness?" "Whom can I trust?"

 

These and a million more question came for me as I explored and discovered this person I call a self.

 

Buried within your repertoire of stories are the clues that can guide you to where you need to go.

 

Don't be satisfied with stories,

how things have gone with others.

Unfold your own myth.

~Rumi

 

All that you need you already possess.

 

Pay attention, you are not alone.

 

Once a person has decided that they can no longer afford to do life in a manner that is no longer tolerable, there are places to go and people to meet who will and can assist you.

 

Beware of the frauds, pay attention life is messy!

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You see how easy it is to manipulate people with religion, since you did it yourself. I think a lot of times that's the key to escaping the mind trap.

 

If you can manipulate people like that, imagine what someone who doesn't actually believe at all, but just uses religion as a tool. How many changes has the christian religion gone through in two thousand years to better dupe people?

 

Anyway... as far as morals go. I feel that anything that strives to do no harm is morally acceptable. Polyamory, for example, is fine if everyone who's involved is happy with it. I hope, however, that the other woman in that relationship didn't regret it later... since it seems by your story she was kind of pushed into it.

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