Jump to content

What Am I Doing This For?


Dhampir
 Share

Recommended Posts

I've been semi-hospitalized for going on a month now, for my anxiety and depression. I'm on stuff again for same.

I'll get straight to the point: why am I bothering? What am I doing this for? I am told I must answer this question for myself, but I cannot do that. Whether I feel good or bad, I can't answer that question. It is apparently largely accepted that failing to see purpose, or not wanting to persist can only be a disease or disorder. I. Do. Not. Buy. This.

 

I can accept that I am anxious, that I am intermittantly depressed, with varying degrees of severity, and that said depression and anxiety can exacerbate my desire to not persist. What I don't accept is that there is only one order in which these things can occur. What if it's a feedback? What if feeling purposeless, or disinterested, unwilling to suffer the slings of daily life, however luxurious by less fortunate standards, fuels depression?

 

So I've been "getting help" the last few weeks because I know it's the "right thing" to do. What I don't know is why it's the right thing, or why I should be doing it. I guess I had to try.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(((hug)))

 

I don't have an easy answer for this, Dhampir. A few times I've experienced that kind of mental bleakness where nothing made sense and everything I did seemed to take an incredible amount of effort. It usually hit in or around New Year's or in January, when I was exhausted from all the Christmas running around, the weather was freezing cold and it was dark all the time.

 

For acute stress and panic attacks at work I did take Sertraline (Zoloft) for about 5 months once. It blunted the pain but also blunted everything else, so I weaned off it. No personal experience with drugs specifically for depression, so I can't comment on those.

 

Mindfulness (essentially, putting the present moment under a microscope and allowing oneself to become engrossed in the tiniest details) does seem to help a lot. I sometimes use it as a rescue strategy when things get overwhelming. It also helps to be involved in a fairly challenging regular activity (If you really enjoy doing something, that might be enough reason in itself.) I haven't had a bad midwinter sag for about 12 years now, although I'll occasionally waste an entire night playing solitaire due to lack of energy or motivation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been semi-hospitalized for going on a month now, for my anxiety and depression. I'm on stuff again for same.

 

I'll get straight to the point: why am I bothering? What am I doing this for? I am told I must answer this question for myself, but I cannot do that. Whether I feel good or bad, I can't answer that question. It is apparently largely accepted that failing to see purpose, or not wanting to persist can only be a disease or disorder. I. Do. Not. Buy. This.

 

I can accept that I am anxious, that I am intermittantly depressed, with varying degrees of severity, and that said depression and anxiety can exacerbate my desire to not persist. What I don't accept is that there is only one order in which these things can occur. What if it's a feedback? What if feeling purposeless, or disinterested, unwilling to suffer the slings of daily life, however luxurious by less fortunate standards, fuels depression?

 

So I've been "getting help" the last few weeks because I know it's the "right thing" to do. What I don't know is why it's the right thing, or why I should be doing it. I guess I had to try.

Depression creates and/or fosters feelings of purposelessness and disinterest. It is a persistent state of mind to be sure, but it is not an inescapable feedback loop -- it simply appears that way to people who are depressed. It is a state of mind, a perspective from which you are currently experiencing your life. Knowing this, you can acknowledge that you are distinct from your current perspective. You can escape from it, and it sounds like you're already on your way.

 

Get well soon.

-Pockets

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dhampir, I told myself that I'd stay away from ex-C, but when I read your OP here, I couldn't refrain from trying to respond. We see these words on a screen, and though we are thinly connected it is so easy to neglect the fact that there a real flesh and blood human beings here. I think in some ways online interactions are dehumanizing.

 

Anyway, I have not the slightest clue if my specific manifestation of life has any purpose whatsoever. I've generally come to accept that life is for living, and that when my time comes to die, I hope it will be with few regrets and with a sense of integrity.

 

I was recently speaking with some philosophers about the Myth of Sisyphus, and though I'm not a Buddhist or intend to become one, I found myself bringing Buddhist ideas to the table. The question that had been asked was, "Could Sisyphus be happy?" And there I brought forward the idea that much our suffering needlessly arises from our own skewed expectations, and that I am content when my expectations are commensurate with who I am, and my circumstances at this very moment.

 

I confessed there that my primary motivation in life was curiosity. I crave more understanding. Now, some might assert that this is all good, but I've come to realize I must temper my overwhelming desire to learn, lest I suffer needlessly and thereby become a source of more suffering in the world. I know now that I am almost like a very small ant trying to eat an infinite biscuit, and that there will always be mystery in the universe, and my curiosity must be within this awareness.

 

Anyway, I wish I could see you with my eyes and take in the mystery which is you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Many hugs, Dhampir. You've had so much on your plate this year.

 

What others have said is correct: when you're depressed, it can be really hard to see any meaning through that kind of fog. Depressed people do not see clearly. That's why it's supremely important that you don't stop treatment or refuse meds. Keep driving, and doing what you know you should, and this fog and haze will lift. Please know you're in my thoughts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

Dhampir, I am so sorry you are going through a rough time. I cannot tell you which way to go, but I can share myself with you. I know it's the same ole' boring stuff about what to do whan you're depressed, but it is the only thing that works for me........I'll just post it as a reminder. If you can take anything I say and use it, I'll feel good that I posted to you today.

 

I have come to change my beliefs about depression. I have experienced every sad emotion in my life, from just being 'down in the dumps'.... to very sad....to deep grieving..... and I have also considered suicide. I have had down times when all was going well in my life, so I understand now why, even if one has money...these 'feeling's' can exist and persist.

 

So I changed my mind about depression. 'They' have told us all along that depression is not a 'normal' state. I think it is quite normal for most people. Believers in god and non-believers. I suffered these low feelings even when i believed strongly in god. Our church had a support group for depression. So it can effect everybody.

 

Rich, middle class, poor, believer and non-believer. Why in the hell do they tell us this is not a 'normal' emotion that goes along with the struggle of life??? It is in my opinion.

 

The 'mundaneness' of life is what can get me down. Even if you eat steak everynight - it gets mundane. I've even heard clients over the years, who have been lucky enough to travel often, tell me they are bored with travelling!!

 

I personally need something everyday to look forward to...something to wake up for. I feel like I need to 'reward' myself with something, for making it through this life. It could be a luxurious coffee of some kind, with whipped cream. Something outside the 'mundane'. I have to create different things to look forward to. Everyday, I 'hunt' and use my imagination to find something to look forward to. It could be a 2 hour documentry on an interesting topic, learning a new hobby like photography, trying a new recipe, going for a walk, watching a good movie with popcorn, forcing myself to visit and have coffee with a friend, etc. If anything in the world brings me peace....it is researching the internet for information of all kinds. I love to learn. Learning is what keeps me going. My little corner in the livingroom where my computer is, is my sanctuary.

 

I get up and do all the 'mundane' that needs to get done everyday......I get it overwith as fast as I can and then I allow myself to 'play' at whatever I want for at least 3-4 hours at the end of the day. For tonight, I made a new recipe for low calorie ice-cream (It's freezing right now) and I have a 2 hour documentry I am looking forwad to watching .

 

Right now, before I 'attack' some very mundane chores around this house - I am going for a big, power walk out in the sun.

 

I sincerely hope for you to feel better very soon.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know what you mean. A strictly medical viewpoint fails to recognize the complexity of depression and anxiety.

 

However, I think the value in treatment (using multiple approaches at once--medications and psychotherapy and diet/exercise/sunshine) is to equip you for having a better life. I hope you have a good team around you to help you do this. Life can be better!

 

{{{Hugs}}}

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator
I. Do. Not. Buy. This.

 

Perhaps. You. Should.

 

Keep at it. You shouldn't trust your judgment in this state. Continue therapy without the intent to disprove its effectiveness. It doesn't work as fast as you would like, but there really is no alternative but to give it a real chance.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I. Do. Not. Buy. This.

 

Perhaps. You. Should.

 

Keep at it. You shouldn't trust your judgment in this state. Continue therapy without the intent to disprove its effectiveness. It doesn't work as fast as you would like, but there really is no alternative but to give it a real chance.

 

I agree. We have evolved to persist. I think if one does not have the desire to persist, there is something wrong, maybe something that can be helped.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I. Do. Not. Buy. This.

 

Perhaps. You. Should.

 

Keep at it. You shouldn't trust your judgment in this state. Continue therapy without the intent to disprove its effectiveness. It doesn't work as fast as you would like, but there really is no alternative but to give it a real chance.

I don't. This is an outlook that persists regardless of psychological state. That's the part no one wants to so much as examine, and that's why it bothers me that no one considers it. MAYBE there's help for me if someone would at least take it into account, as we work through ways to treat it. But as it stands, no one will even give it a moment's thought, and that fact probably gets people killed.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I agree. We have evolved to persist. I think if one does not have the desire to persist, there is something wrong, maybe something that can be helped.

Tell that to a cancer patient. we didn't evolve to persist regardless, we evolved to continue as long as we could gainfully do so. If it were any other way, we would not risk our own lives to save others. The only difference in my outlook between times of depression and other times, is that I can ignore a little more, the fact that I don't find this world to be worthwhile. The only reason I'm not dead already, is because I do recognize that it could be worse, and I risk it actually being worse if I try. One of the things we DID evolve, is intellect, and rational thought. There is therefore, a risk that one might intellectually conclude that it's not for some people.

 

So I'm here because it could be worse, but what else am I here for?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been semi-hospitalized for going on a month now, for my anxiety and depression. I'm on stuff again for same.

I'll get straight to the point: why am I bothering? What am I doing this for? I am told I must answer this question for myself, but I cannot do that. Whether I feel good or bad, I can't answer that question. It is apparently largely accepted that failing to see purpose, or not wanting to persist can only be a disease or disorder. I. Do. Not. Buy. This.

 

I can accept that I am anxious, that I am intermittantly depressed, with varying degrees of severity, and that said depression and anxiety can exacerbate my desire to not persist. What I don't accept is that there is only one order in which these things can occur. What if it's a feedback? What if feeling purposeless, or disinterested, unwilling to suffer the slings of daily life, however luxurious by less fortunate standards, fuels depression?

 

So I've been "getting help" the last few weeks because I know it's the "right thing" to do. What I don't know is why it's the right thing, or why I should be doing it. I guess I had to try.

 

It would have distracted you from the doing of what you would have termed "blessed release" from living. I'm still dealing with the fallout of my recent suicide attempt which was yesterday. It was one of the shittest days I ever had. Make no mistake, whatever it might be, suicide was no picnic and I was only too glad to have friends to save me from drowning off the waterfront.

 

And I hope you can find that purpose. I suffer from a similar set of anomie, I've alway struggled with it as best as I could have had in the most testing of ways. I may not alway had coped virtuously (such as resorting to alcohol) but hell I have tried. You have tried too, and great for you! I hope you persist through whatever it has thrown at you. You will probably know your own purpose of life better than Harry or me could ever know. The people who says that you construct your own meaning (with help from the surrounding people and environment) is a pretty good answer to that question. No doubt, you will find your own unique critique of that. But it shouldn't be said to be easy. Unfortunately.

 

Depression is never easy, (I think I have it but who knows) and in my experience when I have these sort of moods, it's either in response to the greyness and inaction of life's happenings or to the living conditions I find myself in. Yes, it's a possibility that depression is a sort of mental protest against the dreariness of life and how it has treated you; screaming for new and fresh set of possibilities. But it's also possible that it's randomly inflicting itself upon people for no rhyme nor reason. It's also possible that this is a combination of both. Whatever the reason, it's shitty.

 

This is all I can offer up in reflection, Dhampir. Hope you'll be fine eventually! :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you are suffering so intensly and feel alone in that no one understands. If I could help you I would but all I can offer is a virtual hug and a few words that will probably not touch your pain.

 

For many years I have suffered depression and anxiety(panic and PTSD). I have attempted suicide several times and been hospitalized many times....hell I'm in hospital right now. What I can say is that for many years I rejected medical treatment for various reasons and although I survived life didn't feel worth living, I had some moments of joy but in the end I assumed I would kill myself one day so great was my torment.

 

Now I have received over two years of intensive treatment I can honestly say I love life, I WANT to live and to me that is amazing, especially considering I am going through a tough marriage breakup. This joy has surprised me. It comes from a combination of so many things but certainly not any god. I have an excellent therapist, psychiatrist, the right medication(that took a while), a few family and friends who are supportive and great staff at the psychiatric hospital. Above all this I have myself and I am stronger and more amazing than I ever realised. So I'm glad I hung in there for decades while it was so black.

 

I hope you can find what it is you need to answer the questions in your heart. They are real questions that deserve time. While you are searching above all things stay safe. PM me if you want. Hang in there

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.