Smgs

[Kateastrophy]

...aka, Shit My Grandma Says. My Grandma is one of THOSE Xians. The wooiest of the woo. While posting another thread, I decided that she really says/does so much asinine stuff that she deserves her own ongoing thread. As a child, I clung to my grandparents because I felt they were the most stable people I knew.

 

In retrospect, that is really, really sad.

 

 

Shit My Grandma Says:

 

• As a child, I was not allowed to watch the Little Mermaid at her house because it had a witch in it (Ursula the Sea Witch).
  
• As a child, I was not allowed to play with the only other child at her church that I got on with, because that child had been seen holding hands with her best friend, and must, therefore, be a lesbian.
  
• No one is allowed to listen to non-gospel music in her house because it contains demons that will get out of the speakers, so even if you listen to it in another room, it doesn't matter because demons are like pigs - they won't stay in one room, they'll get out into the rest of the house.
  
• When I was 5, they took me to Disney World (funny, considering the whole Little Mermaid fiasco). I was told not to pack a two piece bathing suit because it might cause bad men to have sexual thoughts about me.
  
• When I was in high school, I drove a car with no AC. After a visit to her house in August, I decided that I would wear a spaghetti strap tank top to make the 2+ hour drive home. She insisted I change. I refused. We argued. She ended up bursting into tears saying "Well if you break down on the side of the road and some man stops and rapes you, don't come crying to me!"
  
• When I was 10, we went to a conference together for my grandfathers work. They left him a gift basket in the hotel room with fruit and champagne. It wasn't enough to not drink it, they actually refused to touch it and called the front desk to have someone come remove it.
  
• When I was in college and dating her pastor's son, she trapped me in her car on the pretext of going grocery shopping to tell me that "Oral sex is a sin even in marriage." To this day, that is still the single most awkward moment of my life.
  
• Also in college, I worked at Olive Garden, which serves Chicken Marsala, a dish made with a wine reduction. She lost her mind over it being on the menu. I told her it's no big deal because it's only a little wine, and the alcohol cooks off. She insisted it didn't, then said the the restaurant was being irresponsible. What if a child or a recovering alcoholic ordered it (completely ignoring the fact that they bring wine to every table and have a full bar)? I snapped and said "Are you a recovering alcoholic?" When she responded "No," I said "Then I think we'll be ok." My grandfather nearly spit his diet coke he was laughing so hard. Apparently he paid for it on the way home. Also, I got a packet of web articles in the mail, printed from teetotalling Xian websites, about how in some cases, the majority of alcohol in a dish does not cook off.
  
• My uncle, a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, possible pedophile and confirmed creep, got a similar packet of "information" in his mailbox after she found out that he was "fornicating". My Dad got it via phone call when he got a live-in girlfriend. He retorted, to my amusement "Well as far as I know, my daughter is the ONLY person in this family to make it to marriage still a virgin!" and then hung up. That's right folks - Grandma was a bad girl - my Dad was conceived out of wedlock while my Grandma was still in high school!
  
• She and my grandfather went off in front of my husband and myself, knowing that we both drink occasionally, about how "some people think wine is okay but REAL Xians would NEVER let a DROP pass their lips!" Even my very diplomatic DH had trouble biting his tongue on that one!
  
• In middle school, she told me I shouldn't dance with boys because it turns them on.
  
• To this day, we are not allowed to watch anything with greater than a PG rating around her.
  
• I got chewed out for going to see the Lord of The Rings with my uncle, brother, and cousin, because it was evil (of course, after her pastor told her it was okay because it turns out its supposedly some analogy for X, she was cool with it).
  
• I got chewed out for going to see Harry Potter (same group plus Dad) for the same reason. She still believes HP is evil.
  
• I got chewed out for going to go see Moulin Rouge with my dad and uncle because it's about a "fancy whore."
  
• I got in trouble for telling her to not get "all hot and bothered" about something. She said I can't say that because it can have a sexual meaning to it. However, it's perfectly fine for her to call her back massager a "vibrator."
  
• When my parents were married and my mom was having trouble with my dad, my mom went to her for advice. She told my mother that it was HER fault that my dad wasn't a better husband and that if she would just be a better Christian witness, he wouldn't be like that (keeping in mind that neither one of my parents are Christian - and after Dad grew up in that household, is there any wonder?)
  
• And of course, today, there is the upset over me claiming to have seen her doppleganger, and her taking it to mean wikipedia's literal definition of the original German term for a malevolent paranormal body double, instead of its colloquial definition of just being someone who looks just like someone else.
  

[Droptail]

[Fweethawt]

Just going from bits of memory here...

 

But I'm pretty sure that jesus drank wine and somewhere else in the bible it says that doing so is fine as long as its not in excess.

 

Just sayin'...

 

Look it up and show her, but it won't do any good for her other whackedoutedness.

[Thought2Much]

Just going from bits of memory here...

 

But I'm pretty sure that jesus drank wine and somewhere else in the bible it says that doing so is fine as long as its not in excess.

 

Just sayin'...

 

Look it up and show her, but it won't do any good for her other whackedoutedness.

 

Oh no no no no. Oh no. Jesus never drank wine. Sure, he made a bunch of it for someone's wedding, and he told the disciples to drink it to remember him. And he was accused of being a drunkard by his foes. But he never actually drank it himself. Never. Show me one Bible verse that actually mentions that Jesus drank wine himself. See? You can't do it. Because it didn't happen. And then there's the fact that the "wine" that's talked about in the Bible is actually grape juice. Grape juice that was somehow preserved from the year before until Passover in the spring. In the Middle East. Where it's hot. Without refrigeration. Hey, that just means it was a miracle, because Jesus provided grape juice when there shouldn't have been any around!

 

Which makes me wonder, if we don't do things that Jesus didn't do, then why do Christians ever get married? They steadfastly maintain that Jesus was never married, yet they don't apply the thinking they use for abstaining from alcohol to not getting married. Hypocrites.

[mymistake]

Good-Christian-Man

 

That one gets me. A GCM has to be a generation older than me. (I have no idea why) A GCM is above literally reproach. You cannot question him. If it looks like he just took the money and ran away then just keep repeating to yourself "But he's a Good-Christian-Man!" over and over until the worry goes away. When loved ones are worried that somebody might be a con artist then "But he's a Good-Christian-Man!" is the ultimate come back. Against that logic there is no defense. Why no he couldn't have been molesting children or animals because "he's a Good-Christian-Man!"

 

As if con artists don't know how easy it is to fake saying a prayer with a trusting old lady.

[Akheia]

When I was in college and dating her pastor's son, she trapped me in her car on the pretext of going grocery shopping to tell me that "Oral sex is a sin even in marriage." To this day, that is still the single most awkward moment of my life.

 

 

Ever meet an ex-alcoholic who's made it his life mission to stop everybody around him from drinking? Your grandma reminds me of the mom from "Back to the Future." I bet she's got a shitload more skeletons in her closet than a shotgun wedding. What a poor deranged old biddy.

[stryper]

walks in expecting a thread about.

 

 

 

Find this much more interesting.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any to add as all Gparents were toasted and/or buried years ago.

 

 

However, sounds pretty typical.

[mymistake]

walks in expecting a thread about.

 

 

 

 

You know PDWs are the new SMGs.

[hereticzero]

Pro 31:6-7 Give strong drink to him who is ready to perish, and wine to those who are of heavy hearts. (7) Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

[stryper]

 

 

You know PDWs are the new SMGs.

 

[camp] Only if matches my shoes. [/camp]

[stryper]

Pro 31:6-7 Give strong drink to him who is ready to perish, and wine to those who are of heavy hearts. (7) Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

 

Alcohol, helping people forget since 2300 BCE

[hereticzero]

Just going from bits of memory here...

 

But I'm pretty sure that jesus drank wine and somewhere else in the bible it says that doing so is fine as long as its not in excess.

 

Just sayin'...

 

Look it up and show her, but it won't do any good for her other whackedoutedness.

 

Oh no no no no. Oh no. Jesus never drank wine. Sure, he made a bunch of it for someone's wedding, and he told the disciples to drink it to remember him. And he was accused of being a drunkard by his foes. But he never actually drank it himself. Never. Show me one Bible verse that actually mentions that Jesus drank wine himself. See? You can't do it. Because it didn't happen. And then there's the fact that the "wine" that's talked about in the Bible is actually grape juice. Grape juice that was somehow preserved from the year before until Passover in the spring. In the Middle East. Where it's hot. Without refrigeration. Hey, that just means it was a miracle, because Jesus provided grape juice when there shouldn't have been any around!

 

Which makes me wonder, if we don't do things that Jesus didn't do, then why do Christians ever get married? They steadfastly maintain that Jesus was never married, yet they don't apply the thinking they use for abstaining from alcohol to not getting married. Hypocrites.

If Jesus ever ate when he was alive, he also had wine and maybe an erection once or twice.

[flockoff]

I snapped and said "Are you a recovering alcoholic?" When she responded "No," I said "Then I think we'll be ok." My grandfather nearly spit his diet coke he was laughing so hard. Apparently he paid for it on the way home.

 

HA!

[sdelsolray]

Your grandmother is a religious wingnut, plain and simple.

[Ellwood]

Oh the memories! Your grandmother must have come from the same roots as my baptist minister father. Did she let you play outside on Sundays? We couldn't because it was the lawds day, a day of rest. And that is what he would tell my little friends who came to the door to play.

 

BUT he could watch all the sinners playing baseball, etc on tv all afternoon!

 

Fortunately that policy ended when I was a teen and things were much better. Guess they wanted me OUT of the house!

[midniterider]

...aka, Shit My Grandma Says. My Grandma is one of THOSE Xians. The wooiest of the woo. While posting another thread, I decided that she really says/does so much asinine stuff that she deserves her own ongoing thread. As a child, I clung to my grandparents because I felt they were the most stable people I knew.

 

In retrospect, that is really, really sad.

 

 

Shit My Grandma Says:

• As a child, I was not allowed to watch the Little Mermaid at her house because it had a witch in it (Ursula the Sea Witch).
  
• As a child, I was not allowed to play with the only other child at her church that I got on with, because that child had been seen holding hands with her best friend, and must, therefore, be a lesbian.
  
• No one is allowed to listen to non-gospel music in her house because it contains demons that will get out of the speakers, so even if you listen to it in another room, it doesn't matter because demons are like pigs - they won't stay in one room, they'll get out into the rest of the house.
  
• When I was 5, they took me to Disney World (funny, considering the whole Little Mermaid fiasco). I was told not to pack a two piece bathing suit because it might cause bad men to have sexual thoughts about me.
  
• When I was in high school, I drove a car with no AC. After a visit to her house in August, I decided that I would wear a spaghetti strap tank top to make the 2+ hour drive home. She insisted I change. I refused. We argued. She ended up bursting into tears saying "Well if you break down on the side of the road and some man stops and rapes you, don't come crying to me!"
  
• When I was 10, we went to a conference together for my grandfathers work. They left him a gift basket in the hotel room with fruit and champagne. It wasn't enough to not drink it, they actually refused to touch it and called the front desk to have someone come remove it.
  
• When I was in college and dating her pastor's son, she trapped me in her car on the pretext of going grocery shopping to tell me that "Oral sex is a sin even in marriage." To this day, that is still the single most awkward moment of my life.
  
• Also in college, I worked at Olive Garden, which serves Chicken Marsala, a dish made with a wine reduction. She lost her mind over it being on the menu. I told her it's no big deal because it's only a little wine, and the alcohol cooks off. She insisted it didn't, then said the the restaurant was being irresponsible. What if a child or a recovering alcoholic ordered it (completely ignoring the fact that they bring wine to every table and have a full bar)? I snapped and said "Are you a recovering alcoholic?" When she responded "No," I said "Then I think we'll be ok." My grandfather nearly spit his diet coke he was laughing so hard. Apparently he paid for it on the way home. Also, I got a packet of web articles in the mail, printed from teetotalling Xian websites, about how in some cases, the majority of alcohol in a dish does not cook off.
  
• My uncle, a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, possible pedophile and confirmed creep, got a similar packet of "information" in his mailbox after she found out that he was "fornicating". My Dad got it via phone call when he got a live-in girlfriend. He retorted, to my amusement "Well as far as I know, my daughter is the ONLY person in this family to make it to marriage still a virgin!" and then hung up. That's right folks - Grandma was a bad girl - my Dad was conceived out of wedlock while my Grandma was still in high school!
  
• She and my grandfather went off in front of my husband and myself, knowing that we both drink occasionally, about how "some people think wine is okay but REAL Xians would NEVER let a DROP pass their lips!" Even my very diplomatic DH had trouble biting his tongue on that one!
  
• In middle school, she told me I shouldn't dance with boys because it turns them on.
  
• To this day, we are not allowed to watch anything with greater than a PG rating around her.
  
• I got chewed out for going to see the Lord of The Rings with my uncle, brother, and cousin, because it was evil (of course, after her pastor told her it was okay because it turns out its supposedly some analogy for X, she was cool with it).
  
• I got chewed out for going to see Harry Potter (same group plus Dad) for the same reason. She still believes HP is evil.
  
• I got chewed out for going to go see Moulin Rouge with my dad and uncle because it's about a "fancy whore."
  
• I got in trouble for telling her to not get "all hot and bothered" about something. She said I can't say that because it can have a sexual meaning to it. However, it's perfectly fine for her to call her back massager a "vibrator."
  
• When my parents were married and my mom was having trouble with my dad, my mom went to her for advice. She told my mother that it was HER fault that my dad wasn't a better husband and that if she would just be a better Christian witness, he wouldn't be like that (keeping in mind that neither one of my parents are Christian - and after Dad grew up in that household, is there any wonder?)
  
• And of course, today, there is the upset over me claiming to have seen her doppleganger, and her taking it to mean wikipedia's literal definition of the original German term for a malevolent paranormal body double, instead of its colloquial definition of just being someone who looks just like someone else.
  

 

 

Avoid enjoyment. It's evil.

 

Wow, my wife just got me a Lord of the Rings ring with beautiful Tengwar writing on it. I'll probably burn in Fundy hell for it but I love it.

[3DollarBill]

If you have yet to loudly tell this woman in no uncertain terms exactly what you think of her stupidity and if you haven't broken off all contact... you are a far more patient and understanding person than I.

[Fweethawt]

If you have yet to loudly tell this woman in no uncertain terms exactly what you think of her stupidity and if you haven't broken off all contact...

 

Then, after doing so, she can just say, "Sorry Grandma. But the real me will be home shortly. For I am your granddaughters DOPPLEGANGER!!! BWAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! BWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

[Thought2Much]

If you have yet to loudly tell this woman in no uncertain terms exactly what you think of her stupidity and if you haven't broken off all contact...

 

Then, after doing so, she can just say, "Sorry Grandma. But the real me will be home shortly. For I am your granddaughters DOPPLEGANGER!!! BWAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! BWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

 

It's a shame that you're a moderator, and that I can't give this post a reputation point.

[Fweethawt]

It's a shame that you're a moderator, and that I can't give this post a reputation point.

My reputation is legendary. Only the old, wise and really silly members here speak of me. Under their breath, of course.

[Kateastrophy]

You guys are hilarious Too much here to quote!

 

As for the "Jesus drank wine" thing - she fully believe that he did NOT because, as someone pointed out rather toungue-in-cheek, "there's no biblical evidence that Jesus himself actually drank." (Really? Then why did they say that he came drinking and feasting and accused him of being a drunkard?) She also says that people drank wine then because the water was unsafe, and that it had a much lower alcohol content than modern wine.

 

Oh reaallllly? Then how did people get so plowed on it? HMMM??

 

 

There is no sense in having a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Having an argument with a fundie is like playing chess with a chicken. No matter how brilliant of a chess player you are, the chicken is just going to knock over all the pieces and then shit on the board.

[mymistake]

There is no Bible verse that says Jesus was not a Raptor.

 

 

http://www.atheistnexus.org/photo/raptor-jesus-4

[blackpudd1n]

My biological mother is exactly the same, but she goes to a whole new level of craziness.

 

Did you know that microchipping your cat could give it a computer virus?!

 

Sydney's going to collapse, because of all the construction work. Mmm-Hmm.

 

You know how they worked how how old the earth is? They went to a beach and counted all the grains of sand. Mmm-Hmm.

 

Sports are of the devil, because they are played on a Sunday.

 

Oh, and as for alcohol in the bible, that was grape juice. It had no alcohol content.

 

I, also, was not allowed to dance at all, and spaghetti straps were out. Dancing and modern music are of the devil, of course, and spaghetti straps are lewd. I got to a point where I just started doing my own thing, because there was no pleasing my mother.

[roadrunner]

There is no sense in having a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Having an argument with a fundie is like playing chess with a chicken. No matter how brilliant of a chess player you are, the chicken is just going to knock over all the pieces and then shit on the board.

.......and then strut around like it won. I think generations are getting less and less superstitious and more deluded in their perception of reality. If I had to make a bet I'd say the days of that type of superstitious religious nonsense will be gone in the next 20 years. I dread to see what will replace it.