Dating In A Christian World

[SleeplessGhost]

So my marriage fell apart. She fell out of love with me and couldn't go on with it, I understand. It has been about 2 months since she said it was over and I am wondering how I will ever start dating again, or even if I want to. I still want to make it work, but she doesn't. I can understand her position.

 

Regaurdless.... how do you end up dating in a Christian world? When do you bring your faith up? How do you deal with the inevitable person who says they dont care about your religion and then try to convert you?

[BMandeville]

That's a rough ticket. My heartfelt sympathies go out to you.

 

The only advice I can offer is to be aloof towards conversion attempts, or try to play with people of your own intellectual age. Christians sometimes have to be treated like children, and maybe you need to date someone who is, mentally and emotionally, an adult.

 

I just tell people, including potential partners, that I have no superstitious beliefs. That means I don't believe in fairies, leprechauns, Santa Claus, gods, bigfoot and other cryptids, ghosts, or conspiracy theories. They're all the same: equally unproven and equally useless, and all are conveniently unfalsifiable. Moreover, we cannot choose to believe in something we know can't be true or proven, and if the other person isn't reasonable enough to understand that a simple requirement of proof doesn't need justification and that we ourselves are not responsible for their own claims' lack of logic or demonstrability, they're probably not worth our time and certainly undeserving of our love and attention.

 

If you find a religious person you love and the two of you are willing to look past differences such as ability to think critically and acceptance of beliefs, you'll have to use your own judgment to work it out; I doubt anything I could offer on the subject would be relevant or especially helpful.

[freeasabird]

Sorry to hear about your situation, that sucks. I would just let it happen on it's own. If you were a Baptist would you be going on first dates asking right away if she was a Baptist and consider it a deal breaker if she wasn't? In this day in age, unless you use church as your dating pool you're unlikely to pair up with any fundies. Then you'll have to ask yourself, if you met and fell in love with someone who is what I'll call a 'Sunday Christian', would that be worse or better than being alone? Those are going to be the types of questions only you can answer.

[Akheia]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it can be to jump back into dating after a long time with someone. My entire post-Evil Ex dating/romantic life was non-Christian. I was really up-front about it in a nice way; pretty much after I noticed we had chemistry, the topic of kids (no thanks) and religion (profoundly non-Christian) came up as I didn't think it'd be fair to rope someone in -- or be roped in myself -- and discover a truckload of drama! I'm a woman, so I reckon it was a lot easier for me to find non-Christian men than it would be for a man to find a non-Christian woman (rates of Christian belief by gender being what they are), but even so, I don't ever remember having a problem finding love Then again, I was in a community of SCA types and gamers, where fundies are way less likely to be found. There is an atheist dating site, and it's hard to imagine there aren't pagan sites or whatever else tickles your fancy. I don't think it'll be as bad as you think.

 

But you, sweetie, you've only been out two months. I've got to admit, I'm wondering if it's a bit soon. You still think you could work things out with the ex and clearly yearn for a reconciliation. Are you really in a headspace yet to go meeting new women quite yet? Or are you just thinking about it for now?

[mymistake]

I would be honest about your religious views. If that turns off 95% of them it's better to do it before you invest any time with them. Get the deal breakers out of the way.

[Akheia]

Oh, if only we just could hand out business cards upon meeting people that outline this stuff! Dating sites' profiles just don't do justice sometimes to human complexity, and eHarmony and Match.com's questionnaires don't ever seem to mention the important stuff, like anal.

 

I read once on I want to say OKCupid's blog that people who specifically mention their Christianity get way fewer messages than people who leave that out. I saw some Christian bloggers around then lamenting this news, like they thought their religiosity entitled them to *more* hits. Sheesh. Women especially seemed totally baffled about why men weren't messaging them as often when they mentioned Jesus a billion times in their profiles. Don't you just wonder why that might be?

[Chikirin]

To the original poster: I assume you are a non Christian in a predominantly Christian area? I bet you that it isn't as Christian as you might think. You have FAR more many options as a non-Christian than as a Christian. The world is your oyster, as the saying goes.

[silentknight]

... eHarmony and Match.com's questionnaires don't ever seem to mention the important stuff, like anal.

 

I nearly spit out my coffee over that. Haha.

 

But I agree with the above posts. Honesty as early as possible.

 

It's tempting when meeting someone to say everything you think they want to hear, but it will just lead to problems in the future.

[Akheia]

Thanks I was curious some years ago and took some of these questionnaires (this was back when some of these sites' anti-gay policies had just come to light). Not a one asked anything really important--"How would you feel if your partner wanted a threesome? Do you ever like getting tied up and spanked?" It was like watching yuppies buy a McMansion--everybody wants a workout room and a wine cellar, but ignore the big important things, like making sure the builders don't use Chinese drywall.

[silentknight]

Thanks I was curious some years ago and took some of these questionnaires (this was back when some of these sites' anti-gay policies had just come to light). Not a one asked anything really important--"How would you feel if your partner wanted a threesome? Do you ever like getting tied up and spanked?" It was like watching yuppies buy a McMansion--everybody wants a workout room and a wine cellar, but ignore the big important things, like making sure the builders don't use Chinese drywall.

 

The mainstream dating sites run on a pretty "traditional" view of relationships. A lot of people probably don't even think about "how" they can have sex, anything besides a couple standard positions is "freaky" and they'd think you'd go to some special datng site for perves if you want that.

 

It's unfortunate, really.

 

I'm lucky/unlucky in this area. I've been with my wife for 12 years. (only married for 3, but we "dated" for a long time). She's the only person I've had sex with. Now, that doesn't mean I was naive about sex. I've always read a lot, and I get obessed on topics and will devour information on the subject. I did the same thing with sex at one point. I knew that sex is only limited by one's imagination. That being said, I'm willing to try anything at least once, as long as it's not going to be TOO painful, or possibly damaging to my health. I'm lucky in that regard.. I've always had an open mind on the subject.

 

My wife is somewhat similar, but her "taboo" list is a little larger than mine. For the most part, that's fine, I'm perfectly fine sticking with tamer stuff

 

I've probbaly said more than anyone here wants to hear. But it applies to the subject of being open. I got lucky that our tastes weren't too far off from each other despite us not rally talking about it much in the early days of our relationship.

[SleeplessGhost]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it can be to jump back into dating after a long time with someone. My entire post-Evil Ex dating/romantic life was non-Christian. I was really up-front about it in a nice way; pretty much after I noticed we had chemistry, the topic of kids (no thanks) and religion (profoundly non-Christian) came up as I didn't think it'd be fair to rope someone in -- or be roped in myself -- and discover a truckload of drama! I'm a woman, so I reckon it was a lot easier for me to find non-Christian men than it would be for a man to find a non-Christian woman (rates of Christian belief by gender being what they are), but even so, I don't ever remember having a problem finding love Then again, I was in a community of SCA types and gamers, where fundies are way less likely to be found. There is an atheist dating site, and it's hard to imagine there aren't pagan sites or whatever else tickles your fancy. I don't think it'll be as bad as you think.

 

But you, sweetie, you've only been out two months. I've got to admit, I'm wondering if it's a bit soon. You still think you could work things out with the ex and clearly yearn for a reconciliation. Are you really in a headspace yet to go meeting new women quite yet? Or are you just thinking about it for now?

Yeah... I'm still not sure about dating again. I know in my head that she doesnt want to work it out. It was just a question that had been rolling around in my head for a while.

[3DollarBill]

Yipes dude...I might be in the same boat, not sure how it's going to play out at this point.

 

What really sucks is if stuff doesn't work I would kind of like to move back to my native Tennessee...where finding a nonreligious woman is damn near impossible. Lots of really hot ones, but they all love the jeebus.

 

Here in Chicago few people really give a shit about religion. You might want to think about a move, it can be a lot easier in a city.

[Guest anuway]

Dating in a wold that is dominated by a view of two people being in a situation of legal prostitiion on both sides is harldy apprealing to me. Homosexulaity is rampant right now and I think lesbianism and bisexuality are great too. Everyone get to let out all of the stuffed up Christian moral desire can now be let out to be wild. That is how I was in my 20's when I left "jesus" I felt i could do anything. I really enjoyed chasing women; and they chased me. Things were free. I didnt have to ask myself is this moral? Is this Christian? Is this right or wrong? I have learned that seeking pleasure, hedonism, sexual immorality, and things that are taboo are really ok. We have been lied to.I have made such a 180 on all this that I dont even believe in marriage; I see nothing wrong with a married person sleeping with someone else. Or having a third person join their relationship. But please keep god out of it. It is amazing when you mix sex with occult practices.

 

Alot of people who are Christian are finding that they cant stay in their marriage because they find themselves to be gay, bi or lesbian, which is ok. I dont date in a Christian world. I now date with those with whom believe as I do. So in reality I am not dating in a Christian world; in fact I could care less who the Christians think I should date.

 

Personally, I really like white, gothic dark women who are very anti Christian. It is very enjoyable to mix sex and occult practices as I said, It is called sex Magic. After I left god and the church I know longer call it dating. Dating is a term used from the 50's that was used by the general population who were Christians. I prefer a more open term like mutual pleasure, or as superficial as it might seem enticing eachother and bringing eachother into mental oneness. But dating for the anti Christian really does not exist. We are free now to do as we want. We are not restricted to dating. We are free to engage in orgies, 3 person sex. Whatever feel best for us is what is best.

[silentknight]

Anuway. While I agree that the Christian reasons for limiting sexual activity are crap, a complete 180 into orgies, threesomes, etc is not for everyone. Many people are comfortable and happy with monogamous relationships. A lack of religion does not mean hedonism. For many, the way they live changes little. It's simply a leaving behind of the irrationality of faith.

 

However, if that's your thing, then enjoy.

[Akheia]

True dat, SK. And sometimes it takes years of careful and respectful experimentation to find out what you really need sexually. One of my exes came out as not only bisexual (WTF) but polyamorous (OMGWTFBBQ) a couple years after we'd amicably ended things. I gave the ideas thought once, but it just wasn't my thing. I may be really sex-positive, but I remain monogamous and het.