Dealing With Christian (Grand)Parents

[conscienza]

We are the parents of a 2,5 y/o and a 3 m/o. They are the only grandchildren (sofar) of my christian parents, and me and my husband are both atheists. I am in the closet though - at least towards them. That is, they obviously can't have missed the fact that I haven't been in church since I moved out to live on my own (mind you, this is 14 years ago), but I've never literally said to them that I really don't believe. My husband is the son of christian parents as well, but from a very different (more traditional) type of church and he broke contact with his father eversince his parents got divorced.

 

My parents are part of a Pentecostal/Evangelical/Charismatic (?) church (these are names I have for the type of church in Dutch - I have a strong feeling that this type of church is however a lot more common in the states, maybe the term 'fundie' applies to it). Read: lots about the new testament, focus on Jesus and the blessing of the Holy Spirit, singing, lots of emotional things, praying/healing, etc. My extimony is elsewhere on these boards, so I'll just give the brief version, which is that I never really believed even though I got baptized when I was 13 (as an 'adult'), mostly because I felt forced to. I never inteded to find a Christian partner either, but always had atheist boyfriends. Which they learned to accept. I think. I met my now husband in '06, we moved in together (oh, drama for Christian parents) a decent bit later, got married and now have two children.

 

So far, we have been able to sort of ignore/avoid the topic of God and Jesus in the context of our children. When they are here, they'll pray silently before a meal, which our toddler doesn't understand, but then she also doesn't ask questions. She 'reads' a lot of books, likes to sing songs... so a week ago my mom called and asked me the long-dreaded question when she could buy her her first children's Bible. Ok, so she at least ASKED me, to which I replied that I'd discuss it with my parents. We agreed that we will condone a Bible, read it as stories. I haven't told my mom yet (in fact I thought I'd just avoid the topic until she brings it up herself). I called her yesterday for no particular reason and then she drops a bomb (well, something I realized only later is a very big bomb for me) - she got this Christian cd witn children's songs. Horror for me, because these songs bring everything back I've been trying to put (and leave) in the past. And worse: my toddler will acquire these songs and start singing about Jesus. And not have the faintest idea what it means.

 

Sigh. How do I deal? Where is the boundary? Just accept the present and put them away? Tell them not to do this? Which will inevitably lead to The Discussion I have been avoiding my complete adult life? How do I deal with the guilt? Hurting my mom? The never ending feeling that I failed as her daughter, because I am not part of the church they raised me in?

 

Sorry for this rant. I feel so lost and lonely.

[GardenerGal]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I think if my husband and I had children, we would have to deal with this issue with his folks. As a child, I loved singing Christmas/Santa Claus songs, even after I found out he wasn't real. Perhaps you could explain the similarities between Jesus and Santa with your children?

 

I have no doubt others with children will have much more sound advice and experience to share. Either way, wishing you the best!

[florduh]

Sorry you've been put in that position. As you know, it's not always easy, but you - the parent - have full responsibility for how your kids are raised. You will not be popular with those who don't share your disbelief of the fairy tale, but standing on principle and following through regardless of consequences are good lessons for kids to see from their parents. Good luck.

[TrueFreedom]

I don't think exposing them to grandma's religion will hurt anything. Balance out the xn music with secular xmas music and science lesson songs from They Might Be Giants.

[Paine]

How do I deal?

Head on. And immediately.

Where is the boundary?

At the front door of the home you made with your husband when you, as a wife, BIBLICALLY "LEFT THEIR HOME" (and your husband, likewise, cleaved to you as his wife---see? that Bible is good for something!)

Just accept the present and put them away?

There is NO CLOSET BIG ENOUGH. The truth of your lifestyle is already hiding in there. Don't tell me there is room for presents too! It will never end, and by the time you can't tolerate it anymore, your children will actually be old enough to be HARMED by all the discord. And there WILL BE discord. Make the clean break and expect waves for a while---and remind THEM that THEY are CHOOSING discord which will HARM their grandchildren. They don't want thaaaaaat, do they???HHhmmmm???

Tell them not to do this?

Nicely, firmly, and ABSOLUTELY. If you tell them with NO APOLOGY, NO HEDGING, and NO ACRIMONY, you should expect to be taken seriously. POLITELY...POLITELY expect to be respected. Never raise your voice. Never use words that threaten their beliefs. Simply differentiate your new family from your family of origin with clear language that EXPECTS NOTHING LESS THAN FULL COMPLIANCE WITH YOUR VERY REASONABLE WISHES; to be respected with regards to the spiritual education of YOUR child.

Which will inevitably lead to The Discussion I have been avoiding my complete adult life?

What "ADULT LIFE" are you referring to?

How do I deal with the guilt?

"ADULTS" do not allow their mommies to pack their bags for guilt trips. They pull up their big girl panties and explain that they are now parents themselves and will be raising said grandchildren by the ADULT DECISIONS they have made with their husbands. The children in question are for YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO RAISE AS YOU SEE FIT and are not--- *** ARE**NOT**-- your parents to raise. If they wish to have a relationship with them in the future, THIS PART OF THEIR EDUCATION WILL BE YOURS ALONE. Any attempt whatsoever to stray into Jesusland will be met with a SWIFT and sudden estrangement until they can respect your wishes.

Hurting my mom?

She will be hurt. HOW "hurt" is up to **HER**. Assure her she can still feed them chocolate cake for breakfast and let them jump on her bed and run with scissors....but Jesus is OFF LIMITS. (See above, "guilt")

The never ending feeling that I failed as her daughter, because I am not part of the church they raised me in?

You seem thoughtful and caring enough to me. You are clearly a "THINKER" or you would not have grown past the superstition church they raised you in, right? You are clearly a tender and caring person to have so much concern for your dear mother. BUT>>>>the feeling you describe as "never ending" is a fallacy because you are CLEARLY NOT A FAILURE. If a mother can judge a daughter a "failure" because she isn't a carbon copy of herself, then CLEARLY, this is YOUR MOTHER'S BAGGAGE and not your own. Let her carry it....after all....that GUILT TRAIN has an empty seat that you won't be using .... She will tire of pouting soon enough.

 

Good luck sweetie. I can hear your heartbreak--I truly can. But you'll do fine. I have been where you are. But telling them, with the full expectation that your wishes will be respected as an adult, will open up a new level of respect within your relationship with your parents. You owe it to your children. They are counting on YOU to be the grown-up in their lives now.

 

[Paine]

I don't think exposing them to grandma's religion will hurt anything. Balance out the xn music with secular xmas music and science lesson songs from They Might Be Giants.

 

Um? Why are we all here if we weren't injured by that whole...ya know....RELIGION thing?

[Galien]

I agree with Paine. Tell your mother to back off. It is just as difficult for me having to watch my grandsons raised as muslims. I hate the whole idea but it is up to their parents on how they are raised regadless of what I do or don't believe. I often remark to my daughter (not a muslim but her hubby is) how some 7th century meglomaniac can still bring division into our family with his bullshit. Fuck I hate religion.

[TrueFreedom]

I don't think exposing them to grandma's religion will hurt anything. Balance out the xn music with secular xmas music and science lesson songs from They Might Be Giants.

 

Um? Why are we all here if we weren't injured by that whole...ya know....RELIGION thing?

 

They will have some exposure to it eventually. There's a big difference between a gift from grandma and being raised in the church.

[mymistake]

Sigh. How do I deal? Where is the boundary? Just accept the present and put them away? Tell them not to do this? Which will inevitably lead to The Discussion I have been avoiding my complete adult life? How do I deal with the guilt? Hurting my mom? The never ending feeling that I failed as her daughter, because I am not part of the church they raised me in?

 

Sorry for this rant. I feel so lost and lonely.

 

Ah the universal problem of Christianity dividing families. I'm the only official atheist in my family so I'm going with the strategy of letting the Christians try to indoctrinate, I will find subtle ways to undermine that indoctrination and then down the road we will have our big war when the Christians try to drag my kids back into the cult. On the other hand you have an opportunity to have the big war now before your kids get indoctrinated in the first place. It's really your call on what strategy works best for your life. However you can't avoid your mom being hurt over this because you are not the one doing it to her. Her religion is the one hurting her. Her religion fills her with fear over anybody who doesn't join her religion. I just made it clear that I wasn't going to try to de-convert my parents. That is all I can do. Whatever pain they feel came from their pastor.

[midniterider]

We are the parents of a 2,5 y/o and a 3 m/o. They are the only grandchildren (sofar) of my christian parents, and me and my husband are both atheists. I am in the closet though - at least towards them. That is, they obviously can't have missed the fact that I haven't been in church since I moved out to live on my own (mind you, this is 14 years ago), but I've never literally said to them that I really don't believe. My husband is the son of christian parents as well, but from a very different (more traditional) type of church and he broke contact with his father eversince his parents got divorced.

 

My parents are part of a Pentecostal/Evangelical/Charismatic (?) church (these are names I have for the type of church in Dutch - I have a strong feeling that this type of church is however a lot more common in the states, maybe the term 'fundie' applies to it). Read: lots about the new testament, focus on Jesus and the blessing of the Holy Spirit, singing, lots of emotional things, praying/healing, etc. My extimony is elsewhere on these boards, so I'll just give the brief version, which is that I never really believed even though I got baptized when I was 13 (as an 'adult'), mostly because I felt forced to. I never inteded to find a Christian partner either, but always had atheist boyfriends. Which they learned to accept. I think. I met my now husband in '06, we moved in together (oh, drama for Christian parents) a decent bit later, got married and now have two children.

 

So far, we have been able to sort of ignore/avoid the topic of God and Jesus in the context of our children. When they are here, they'll pray silently before a meal, which our toddler doesn't understand, but then she also doesn't ask questions. She 'reads' a lot of books, likes to sing songs... so a week ago my mom called and asked me the long-dreaded question when she could buy her her first children's Bible. Ok, so she at least ASKED me, to which I replied that I'd discuss it with my parents. We agreed that we will condone a Bible, read it as stories. I haven't told my mom yet (in fact I thought I'd just avoid the topic until she brings it up herself). I called her yesterday for no particular reason and then she drops a bomb (well, something I realized only later is a very big bomb for me) - she got this Christian cd witn children's songs. Horror for me, because these songs bring everything back I've been trying to put (and leave) in the past. And worse: my toddler will acquire these songs and start singing about Jesus. And not have the faintest idea what it means.

 

Sigh. How do I deal? Where is the boundary? Just accept the present and put them away? Tell them not to do this? Which will inevitably lead to The Discussion I have been avoiding my complete adult life? How do I deal with the guilt? Hurting my mom? The never ending feeling that I failed as her daughter, because I am not part of the church they raised me in?

 

Sorry for this rant. I feel so lost and lonely.

 

Well, if she already got it you could accept it. Then it could disappear from your child's room. Kids are always losing crap...or the gosh darn dog chewed on it so you had to throw it away or (choose appropriate lie).

 

Or you could just tell mom you're an atheist and enjoy the drama. :-)

[Lilith666]

If you think you failed as their daughter by leaving the Church, then you might as well think they failed as your parents by bringing you up in Xianity, which they would have realized isn't true if they had read and taken the bible seriously. Truth is, no one's failed. They are misguided and you are an independent thinker. That's all.

 

Stop delaying the inevitable and tell your family what you think, in the

kindest way possible. They must know already. Might as well come out of

the closet. Do you want to keep battling decisions like the Xian CD as long

as your children are young? Get it over with.

 

Why are you apologizing for ranting? That's what these forums are for.

[Guest wester]

My mom is 70years old and still has not given up on trying to evangelize me. It is the most annoying thing in the world.

You would think she'd grow up or get some perspective or mellow out...but NO-O-O-O.....

It's now all 24/7-Energizer-Bunny-Jesus-Bot.

 

It is like being a totally annoying, invasive, judgmental, manipulative, busybody, elitist, bully jackass is the absolute pinnacle of the human experience and fullest expression of the Whole-E spirit. It is like their religion is an all out excuse to act as boorish and unseemly as humanly possible.

 

I do not have kids, but if it was my children, the door would be closed, locked and bolted to my old mum and her coercive manipulations and bizarre psychological fetishes. And let the chips fall where they may. Because I have seen too much damage done to defenseless children. Horrible, horrible damage that is just swept under the table in a so-called "christian" society.

[Paine]

I don't think exposing them to grandma's religion will hurt anything. Balance out the xn music with secular xmas music and science lesson songs from They Might Be Giants.

 

Um? Why are we all here if we weren't injured by that whole...ya know....RELIGION thing?

 

They will have some exposure to it eventually. There's a big difference between a gift from grandma and being raised in the church.

 

"EXPOSURE"? Its not a vaccine! Its full on EBOLA.

[TrueFreedom]

My kids attend church with their friends on occasion. They take Christian classes as part of their schooling. Their grandparents question them and advise them on their religion. They have learned how to play the game, and they don't believe any of it. My instruction is the vaccine.