Waves Of Missing The Christian God After Deconversion

[wanderinstar]

Hello Again All,

 

I have recently been experiencing what i can only describe as a powerful sensation of waves of very strong emotion triggered by missing ''God", his 'presence', 'companionship' and 'comfort'. My mind is convincd there is no personal God as there is simply no evidence but my heart still remembers the friendship i experienced. Regardless of whether it was real or not I feel a great loss, a grief almost.

 

Has anyone else been through something like this?

 

Feeling abandonded and betrayed by the God who isn't even there is a confusing business and very challenging too. It almost draws me back but thankfully reason has kicked in each time but i am a little worried about being drawn back in.

 

WanderinStar

[LivingLife]

Yes it is part of the grieving process. It passes with time.

 

You only had a relationship with yourself and the sooner you accept this, the sooner that feeling of loss will dissipate. You are still you and you can still talk to yourself if you want.

[♦ ficino ♦]

It's natural, lots of us have gone through this, Wanderinstar. I remember how I wept when I realized I couldn't in conscience pray the Rosary anymore. It was a big part of your emotional life and affected your thoughts as well. You could even say there were neural pathways formed in your brain around those associations. This will fade with time. You may reflect on how the friendship you experienced with God was not actually an experience of friendship with God.

[pandora]

I experiened this too. It was like I had lost my best friend, but deeper. I had no one to cry out to about the injustices in the world and no belief that one day it would all be righted. I remember laying in bed at night feeling so empty and hopeless, crying over my loss. Eventually, these feelings go away as you gain a new perspective on life. The grieving process takes time and is different for everyone. It is a scary thought that we are completely responsible for any change that might occur in this world, but is an empowering thought once you get comfortable with the idea and develop new coping mechanisms.

 

Hang in there... it does get better!

[new2me]

Old habits die hard. I still catch myself wanting to pray for someone when I feel sympathy for a bad situation they are going through. The friendship you experienced felt very real to you, so your grief at the loss of that perceived friendship is very real and understandable.

 

Christianity teaches you that you always have a powerful friend taking care of you and that you will live in eternal bliss after your death. Those thoughts are very comforting to cling to, and hard to give up. Figuring out what the loss of those things means for my own life is the scariest part of my deconversion.

[Geezer]

As a devout Christian God was a very real presence in your life. Non-believers probably can’t relate to that, but any former dedicated Christian certainly can. Your best friend is gone now. That vacancy leaves a hole in your life that you will intuitively seek to fill, but that takes time. When I fully accepted that the god of the bible was a human invention I mistaken thought that would bring my god issues to an end, but it didn’t. It takes time to process your new reality and make adjustments. As others have already noted. It will get better with the passing of time. I think you will find places like this site helpful as you work this out.

[Vigile]

You've probably been led to believe there is someone out there giving you a celestial hug since before you were old enough to sit up in your high chair. As others have said, what you are experiencing is part of the grieving process. It goes away after time.

 

Next up, the pissed off at being duped/wasting your life stage. This too shall pass.

[ConureDelSol]

Am I the only one who never felt comfort from God? I always felt alienated and like I was trying to get the love and attention of a deadbeat dad.

[new2me]

Am I the only one who never felt comfort from God? I always felt alienated and like I was trying to get the love and attention of a deadbeat dad.

 

I remember setting aside "personal time with Jesus" every day. I would read my Bible, sing praise songs, pray, and have silent time to allow God to "speak to me". I kept that up for about a month until I tired of the feeling that I was just talking to the wall. Now I know that I WAS talking to the wall. It's all so embarrassing now.

 

I also remember crying out to God because I was so lonely in my life. My father is no saint, but I know he loves me. I knew that my real father would help me if I begged him and it was in his power to do it - so I couldn't understand why my "heavenly" father wouldn't do the same. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out the ruse. Again, just embarrassing now.

[midniterider]

Hello Again All,

 

I have recently been experiencing what i can only describe as a powerful sensation of waves of very strong emotion triggered by missing ''God", his 'presence', 'companionship' and 'comfort'. My mind is convincd there is no personal God as there is simply no evidence but my heart still remembers the friendship i experienced. Regardless of whether it was real or not I feel a great loss, a grief almost.

 

Has anyone else been through something like this?

 

Feeling abandonded and betrayed by the God who isn't even there is a confusing business and very challenging too. It almost draws me back but thankfully reason has kicked in each time but i am a little worried about being drawn back in.

 

WanderinStar

 

Like Living Life said, you can always talk to yourself. God was just a misidentification. It was really you all along. Enjoy your own self-talk. It's a great way to solve problems and make yourself feel good. You've never abandoned yourself. You've always been there for yourself.

 

I can't say I've grieved the loss of the Christian "god" in my life too much. He was more of an irritation preventing me from doing what I wanted. I had to send the judgmental creep away. The Christian god was never 'my' god anyway. He was just a hand-me-down god from the church that I was supposed to worship and fear at the same time. He caused me grief though he was really nothing more than a bundle of stupid ideas from a stupid religion.

 

I discovered I have the power to create my own imaginary 'god' with attributes I like... though he certainly is not in charge of me, nor does he want to be...and being a big boy, he doesn't crave worship. Most of the time I don't even think about him...and he doesnt care. :-)

[florduh]

Welcome, wanderin!

 

I miss Santa more because he brought me toys, and I also miss my dead friends and relatives more because they were real. Initially I was too disappointed in myself and just a little bit pissed I had been so gullible, I didn't have time to miss the imaginary. Still don't.

[LivingLife]

Am I the only one who never felt comfort from God? I always felt alienated and like I was trying to get the love and attention of a deadbeat dad.

No you are not alone. Although I thought I was talking to god sometimes, most of the time as many would tell you it felt like the prayers did not ascend past the ceiling which was anyway the reality. There were many tricks they did esp for women who had crappy fathers and invoked hugs from elders/pastors as a placebo to that reality that should have been a pleasant memories. Of course most of these women were single and unattached....

[midniterider]

Am I the only one who never felt comfort from God? I always felt alienated and like I was trying to get the love and attention of a deadbeat dad.

 

I remember setting aside "personal time with Jesus" every day. I would read my Bible, sing praise songs, pray, and have silent time to allow God to "speak to me". I kept that up for about a month until I tired of the feeling that I was just talking to the wall. Now I know that I WAS talking to the wall. It's all so embarrassing now.

 

I also remember crying out to God because I was so lonely in my life. My father is no saint, but I know he loves me. I knew that my real father would help me if I begged him and it was in his power to do it - so I couldn't understand why my "heavenly" father wouldn't do the same. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out the ruse. Again, just embarrassing now.

 

Some people go to the grave never having figured it out. One of my relatives who was raised Christian is still caught in that mindtrap (for decades now) , though, recently something they said gave me a clue that there may be a chink in their belief.

[new2me]

"Some people go to the grave never having figured it out. One of my relatives who was raised Christian is still caught in that mindtrap (for decades now) , though, recently something they said gave me a clue that there may be a chink in their belief."

 

True. All of my family is caught in the mind trap. I feel especially sorry for a Catholic sister-in-law who is ill (and has been for decades) but still drags herself to church every Saturday night because she doesn't want god to punish her for skipping mass. All this in spite of the fact that she is disgusted by the pedophile priests but can't break from the church because she buys into all of the guilt and lies. I know she will never get out.

[Sissi]

I understand what you say. When we are in all this stuff we live intense emotions in our relationships and also when we pray. I think our thoughts create somewhere this

effect of a presence. I remember I felt like waves spreading into my body and I thought it was God's presence. Same thing when I was praying in tongues and I thought

the Holy Ghost was working through me.

 

Yes I also experienced this lack and felt somwhere sad because we face emptiness when we go out of christianity and this effect was like a drug. It is like when you stop

smoking or drinking and then you have regret because it gave you a good feeling but anyway it was a drug...

It is also like when you grieve when a relationship has ended, you feel better and suddently you feel like nostalgic. You think again about the person, the good side of the person,

the good times you had with, it is in fact the process of recovering.

[3DollarBill]

He's a jackass. You're better off.

 

Gawd expects you to submit to his will...it's weakness to actually want to pursue your own desires.

He tells you to rely on him but when you really need help he doesn't deliver (it's tough what with the whole not-being-real thing).

You know you're supposed to love him but what you really are is terrified.

 

Sound like an abusive partner? Well, that's what he is.

 

Welcome to the real world. You'll like it once you get used to it.

[wanderinstar]

Thanks so much for all your comments. Your support is extremely helpful during this otherwise lonely time.

 

What is making it hard for me is that I saw god as my rescuer and protector. For someone who was abused badly as a child it is an extremely comforting idea and as some of you aptly stated it was really me all along I was talking to; so really all I have lost is the idea or concept of god. Now I am truly on my own (marriage just broke up too...) I have been experiencing severe panic which frightening in itself. Thankfully I do have a decent self-esteem and logically know I am more than capable of getting through this but at those times of panic logic goes out the window. I have had to get medical treatment for it but it is helping. Yeh for science!! God never did shit for me except those false body chemistry enduced highs which I am sure I could replicate at a rock concert or on my own in nature. All that crying out to god we have done, sincerely from our hearts and NOTHING! Not a damn thing! Any half-decent father would at least make himself known. I'm tired of playing hide and seek with a sadistic god.

 

Still I struggle in this transition period. It is especially hard when I am around christians who think I am still christian and babble on about how god told them this or gave them that. I feel overwhelmed with a mixture of contradictory emotions like rage against religion and longing for Jesus to talk to me. Religion is a mind-fuck and I am thrilled to be free it is just a massive shock to have your whole world turned upside down and your best friend disappear.

 

It confuses me that I can long for a god I despise for all the hurt christianity causes across the world every day. As many of you have said, time will heal and make things clearer.

[LivingLife]

You'll find a lot of support here and there is a whole forum dedicated to rants so it is good to purge your system of the hate and disgust you may harbour and no one here will come up with just gotta have more faith or equally lame comeback you may be used to.

 

For most of us the crisis of faith and losing it was painful, hard to admit you were conned and lived in delusion for so long but this is the what the xian faith really does well, the mind fuck part.

[MerryG]

Am I the only one who never felt comfort from God? I always felt alienated and like I was trying to get the love and attention of a deadbeat dad.

 

Yeah. I always felt that way, too. When I read wanderinstar's mention of feeling friendship from god, my first impulse was to ask how, what, when? Even now I think I would have liked to have felt something loving "from god" even once in my life. Your deadbeat dad analogy is a good one. Somewhere between deadbeat and abusive.

 

Still, I'll bet we both experienced the longing for that love, the belief that that love was available ... somehow, if we could only figure out how to earn it or draw it to ourselves.

 

Maybe we were lucky. Maybe our mourning was never as deep as wanderinstar's and so many others' here who once thought god actually felt good things for them. But I still felt the loss of realizing that not only did the Big Daddy in the sky not love me, but he never would because he's not there.

 

Wanderinstar -- my best to you. You sound strong & you've come to the right place.

[asanerman]

Thanks so much for all your comments. Your support is extremely helpful during this otherwise lonely time.

 

What is making it hard for me is that I saw god as my rescuer and protector. For someone who was abused badly as a child it is an extremely comforting idea and as some of you aptly stated it was really me all along I was talking to; so really all I have lost is the idea or concept of god. Now I am truly on my own (marriage just broke up too...) I have been experiencing severe panic which frightening in itself. Thankfully I do have a decent self-esteem and logically know I am more than capable of getting through this but at those times of panic logic goes out the window. I have had to get medical treatment for it but it is helping. Yeh for science!! God never did shit for me except those false body chemistry enduced highs which I am sure I could replicate at a rock concert or on my own in nature. All that crying out to god we have done, sincerely from our hearts and NOTHING! Not a damn thing! Any half-decent father would at least make himself known. I'm tired of playing hide and seek with a sadistic god.

 

Still I struggle in this transition period. It is especially hard when I am around christians who think I am still christian and babble on about how god told them this or gave them that. I feel overwhelmed with a mixture of contradictory emotions like rage against religion and longing for Jesus to talk to me. Religion is a mind-fuck and I am thrilled to be free it is just a massive shock to have your whole world turned upside down and your best friend disappear.

 

It confuses me that I can long for a god I despise for all the hurt christianity causes across the world every day. As many of you have said, time will heal and make things clearer.

 

Welcome wanderinstar

 

 

When the metaphysical myths of theism ceased to provide the healthy context for my identity two things began that has resulted in my experiencing a vibrant present.

 

My first beginning happened when I started 'getting in touch' with my sensations , i.e. the felt experiences of my mind i.e. what I "think about" and "feel about." That experience involves both my mind and my body, that is, "What my mind is telling me about my life experiences" and "What is my body is "signaling" (informing) me about those experiences?"--"What's my gut telling me?" (S. Keen)

 

Most of my life up to that point had been mostly lived unconsciously, as if I were living in a fog.

 

I consider my crisis of faith as the maturational, intellectual and psychological crucible necessary for "thrusting" me to the next stage of my naturally evolving self. There were no gods doing it, no Christs, no magic involved. (N. Branden)

 

My crisis of faith involved a series of multiple good-byes and hellos--an accumulated series of small deaths and births in perspective and relationships with the persons, events, and the institutions that made up "my constricted world."

 

My question started to shift from "What must I do to be saved?" to "Who am I, really?"

 

The second "beginning" was an out growth of the first. What my crisis of faith provide was the 'energy' for going beyond my idiosyncratic perceptions of my immediate experiences, to a wider more reasonable, realistic and satisfying view. What I thought would kill me became the very medicine my human spirit needed to thrive and evolve!

 

Through crises I become willing to digest and integrate the biases and prejudices which are the residue of my concrete literal thinking. It is essential that I "envelop and include" (K. Wilber) what has nurtured me in the past before I can evolve further.

 

In a word, I found though crisis what authentic awareness requires is a double movement of attention; "silencing the familiar and welcoming the novel."(S. Keen)

 

For me, the death of my "belief in belief" (D. Dennett) has resulted in my vibrant present. My crisis, all of them, have resulted in a larger understanding that I'm competent for life and worthy of its challenges.

 

On my better days I'm satisfied to Be.

 

Welcome wanderinstar!

 

Life is messy and wondrously dangerous--you could give your "mind" to something or someone else if you're unaware!

[Spectrox]

Self-inflicted suffering is necessary until the person realises it is no longer necessary and they are bigger and better than that.

 

Story Book Bible God is an horrendous character (even "sweet" Jeebus). Just read the Bible now and again to remind yourself of how perverted this God character is - advocating genocide, child murder, slavery, forcing rape victims to marry their rapist, hellfire and damnation! How is any of this moral?

 

I re-read the Bible now and again just to remind myself of how terrible it is and each time I think "it cannot possibly have been THAT bad." And when I do read it, it's actually even worse than I imagined!

 

God is just an imaginary abusive partner. We're better off without "him". Enjoy the site!

[ConureDelSol]

Am I the only one who never felt comfort from God? I always felt alienated and like I was trying to get the love and attention of a deadbeat dad.

 

Yeah. I always felt that way, too. When I read wanderinstar's mention of feeling friendship from god, my first impulse was to ask how, what, when? Even now I think I would have liked to have felt something loving "from god" even once in my life. Your deadbeat dad analogy is a good one. Somewhere between deadbeat and abusive.

 

Still, I'll bet we both experienced the longing for that love, the belief that that love was available ... somehow, if we could only figure out how to earn it or draw it to ourselves.

 

Maybe we were lucky. Maybe our mourning was never as deep as wanderinstar's and so many others' here who once thought god actually felt good things for them. But I still felt the loss of realizing that not only did the Big Daddy in the sky not love me, but he never would because he's not there.

 

Wanderinstar -- my best to you. You sound strong & you've come to the right place.

 

I was actually kind of relieved when I came to the conclusion that the xtian god doesn't exist. So it wasn't that I wasn't good enough for God or not praying enough or that I didn't have enough faith, it was that he wasn't there. I didn't have to feel like I had somehow failed. I felt like a kid who found out that monster under the bed that's been terrifying me for years was actually a sock.

[Ravenstar]

You are not alone.

 

When I figured out that the 'relationship' I had was actually with the better part of myself (higher self.. whatever you want to call it) it got easier.

 

I realized I could be my own best friend... and that is, ultimately, a whole lot more trustworthy.. because I KNOW i have my own best interests at heart... also I find that as I learn to care for myself, with compassion and understanding, I have more to give others. It seems like a paradox but it isn't—it's a truism that you have to love yourself first so you can love others also.

 

welcome!

[maxmaxmaxmax]

Yes, I still get them. I think it's because you construct this idea in your mind of the most perfect person you can imagine, and constantly tweak it to make it more perfect, for example each time someone comes out with a snappy line in a sermon or a song, so obviously you form a bond with this idea that's hard to break. Two important aspects of the idea of God don't leave you easily: people have mentioned how he becomes your best friend because in your mind he treats you in every way a perfect best friend would, or a perfect parent would. I think the second one is important too, which is this idea of goodness, as in 'every good and perfect gift comes from God'. I don't know about you but everything good that happened to me or in the world generally I would attribute to God. Whenever you see a pretty rainbow, hear someone decide to tell the truth, you find out someone has got married or had a baby, or you read in a parable about a father than runs to hug his wayward son. For these things you feel good and are thankful and it becomes a motivation for praise. What I have come to realise is that, just because there's no evidence of any god behind it, all of that goodness, all of the sources of all those good things whatever they might have been in each case, is still there. Furthermore it can still be appreciated just as much. Whether it's the science behind the rainbow, the surgeons that carried out that operation, the mailman that delivered the letter from an old friend, you can still be happy about those things and not feel guilty or stupid because there's no God, my point is the goodness is still there. And even though there's no person on the other side of the wall, there doesn't need to be. I'll still be thankful, and still hopeful and I'll still wish that good things occur again, and for other people in bad places. Now all that's changed is I know it's up to us to create that goodness ourselves.

[maxmaxmaxmax]

So, when you hear a friend or family member talk about all the great things their idea of God has done for them lately or in general in their life, you can feel happy for them. They are attributing those things inaccurately, but they still happened, whether it was they got a new job or even just they felt 'touched by the holy spirit during worship', nothing supernatural happened, there was no god involved, but something good occurred, so you can feel thankful about that, and not need to necessarily direct that thanks to a non-existent being.