Gawd! I Really Wanted That Sofa!

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

So, about 3 1/2 to 4 months ago, I abruptly cut off all communications with my parents altogether.

 

The main reason for my actions was that I finally reached my limit with the absolutely ridiculous behavior of my mother and her always seeking approval from my father as to whether any of my kids could come to visit. To clarify, my oldest boy has a major phobia of bugs, and my father has little to no patience for it and because of this, he treats my son like he isn't fun to be around anymore. I've had several phonecalls from my father expressing patronizing concern for my boy's fears, calling it unnatural, etc. Took a lot for me to not completely just start chewing the bastard out. This is his typical m.o. When a child becomes inconvenient and isn't easy to make plans with, he's done.

 

For those that don't know, my father abused me on every level imaginable, so there isn't any love lost at this point anyhow, and I know, why bother letting my kids around him? Well, really, my kids are visiting my mother whenever they go over. My dad participates minimally and is zero threat to my kids. It's a very long story as far as how he isn't a threat, but he isn't. End of discussion.

 

Anyways, the excuse for my youngest not coming around was that the dogs couldn't handle how excitable he is, etc. But to not even get off your ass and drive less than a mile to his school and have lunch with him? To not bother to invite him to the local food court and have a play date in the jungle gym area? Really? And not even bother to CALL him?

 

Yeah, I had my limit.

 

Well, she tried calling several times, and out of the blue, my youngest boy had a surprise visit from her at school for lunch about two weeks ago (Not a big surprise after the major what the fuck is your problem she got from his dad to begin with). My son's dad had stopped in to do the same, saw her there and of course didn't interrupt. He stayed around long enough to have my mom explain,"Yeah, I guess Amanda is going through one of her angry spells again." I cannot believe she is that fucking clueless or that she had the gall to write off my "angry spell" so lightly as just a tempermental episode.

 

I think anyone who had a mother with as much education and training as a teacher. A mother who claimed,"I know an abused child when I see one." A mother who also FAILED to get rid of the abusive husband and sign off her teenage daughter to marriage. I think anyone with a mother like that would have many "tempermental episodes" throughout their life while they struggle to maintain some kind of peace so their kids aren't put in the middle. She KNOWS I have this issue with her.

 

To make a long story short, she called again a few days ago, and I always just hit the ignore option on my phone. In her message, she offered me the couch set I have wanted for a very long time. It's a lovely red fruit print color made out of a very comfortable canvas and the couch is so comfortable to nap on. It's extra wide and when you lay on its pillow top cushions..OMG.. It's such a serene embrace, I am knocked out in minutes. And this woman is offering them to me for free, still being all nonchalant, like nothing is wrong. Literally trying to bribe me to call her and make nice. They always try this. Like the time my dad "gave" me his rundown Blazer. Oh wow! My parents gave me a car that needed shit loads of repairs and was totally unaffordable for my lifestyle. Gee, thanks!

 

Gawd, I really wanted that sofa set, but honestly, I'd rather keep my personal peace at this point. I feel bad though because I am ready to cut my kids away permanently, and that was something I always promised I would never do. I guess, knowing all the years I lost with my own Grandma because my mom had differences with her really affected me. That woman was the ONLY person in this world that accepted me, understood me, and even stood up for me on many occasions. I didn't get to know her until I was 9 yrs old, and after I left for two years travelling with my first husband from age 16 -18, she died about 8 months after I got home. Typing this makes me tear up. She was EVERYTHING to me, and when she passed away when I was 18 and out of my parents' home, my mom didn't bother to call me. I found out my Mawmaw died by going to visit her at the nursing home, and the nurse said matter of factly, "Oh, Marie died last Thursday. Her funeral was yesterday." Mom says,"Well, you were off doing your own thing. I didn't know where to contact you." Forget the fact she my attorney's phone number since she was helping me get my divorce. Forget the fact she knew which high school I was attending. AND forget the fact she knew my address. Gawwwrrr!

 

I really, honestly, HATE these people. I have so much damage I will never get closure to. My dad's abuse, while admitted, has been passed off by my mom as being "a little girl falling in love with her Dad sometimes." And you know, maybe it's the denial of just how bad things were that is causing all the pain. They could NEVER make up for my childhood, but the truth about it all would be nice. Quit making me out to be the wild child that mysteriously nearly ruined their marriage would be nice. I've got the court papers to prove it all by their own admissions, and they will still go in to denial mode. Face being more important than family.

 

FUCK!

 

I'm so angry. And tomorrow, I am taking my kids to the local county fair, and what if I run in to them? I am so likely to blow up and explode and it's obvious they would just use that as an excuse to hide more from my kids, and I'm at a point I really think that is what they want. They want a genuine excuse to not bother with us anymore that way they don't have to feel guilty in their own minds for being a bunch of assholes.

 

Why not just admit as much? They managed to alienate 80% of my extended family while I was a kids. What's the rest of us to them?

[mymistake]

(double post)

[mymistake]

I don't quite follow all of this. Maybe if your folks are that bad keeping your kids away from them is a good thing. Sorry to hear about your attachment to the sofa but maybe the price would have been too high. Generally speaking people who do bad things don't make nice afterwards. Maybe if you didn't expect them to grow then you wouldn't be so disappointed.

 

The best revenge you can ever have is to be happy and succeed.

[Margee]

Zom, I am so sorry to hear about all the pain and chaos you have experienced in your life. I really am.....I grew up in chaos, so I am very familiar with the pain that goes with this type of envirorment.

 

One thing that I have learned over the years is you cannot pick and choose the families we are born into. Sometimes, when we are young, we just do our best to survive the dysfunction. When we get older, we must realize quickly that we are dealng with people who think they are doing their best. I do not excuse any sexual or mental abuse.... ever.... and I never forgive it...I have learned from it. The hard cold facts are that some people remain 'cave people' throughout their lives. If these terrible things have happened to you - hand the issues over to a good professional councillor. When we get older and wiser, we may need a little help to understand that we were not the cause. I had to do this.

 

Most people in the world are too blinded by their beliefs, and 'programs' that they were taught. All my life as a 'non-thinker, (doing everything the world told me I 'should' do and wanted me to do) I ran through life trying to please the whole world. I don't do that anymore. I try to do the right thing and always be respectful, but now I am able to draw the line and make choices of who I will allow in my life. That sounds kind of conceited, but it's the first time I have ever protected myself from negative people who aren't evovling with the times.

 

Some people don't really like kids. I would prefer it if they would just admit it. It would make things much easier on everybody if people could just admit this fact. Some people just don't make good parents. Humans get stuck in the mindset of what was told to them and they pass on the dysfunction. The majority of us grew up and were told to get married and have children.... that's what made a happy life. Many people do not have the conscious knowledge that having children requires a lifetime of patience and tolerance. Most people do not get the training we need about life so a lot of people should not become parents. I'm trying not making excuses for anyone, but.....It is a hard core fact that many people do not know how to run a functional home.

 

I got told by my dad at 10 years old that I was the reason mom and dad fought so much. My father loved us to 'bits' when we were really young little girls and when we were much older. He didn't do the 'in-between' stages very good - he didn't have a lot of tolerance for kids when they got a 'mouth'. I was born and brought up in the day when it was natural to get a 'clip' across the back of your head several times a day if you didn't listen.

 

My own girl understands that I can only handle her 'terrible two' year old girl for a short time. I've talked openly to her about my level of patience around children. I admitted to her that I don't seem to have the patience level for screaming kids anymore. I get to see them a couple of times a week and give them all kinds of attention, but if they start acting up...she exits and comes back for a visit a couple of days later. We have that understanding and it makes things a lot easier on everyone.

 

Zom, you get to make choices now. I try to do everything with as much love as I can conjour up when I'm about to set a boundary. I try to talk it out with the person that is invovled. If that dosen't work....you may have to choose to move forward, without that person or people in your life. Unfortunetly, this includes family also.

 

You know what you need and want. Go after it. Give it to yourself. Create a new life for yourself. You are a freethinker......you don't have to do it the 'world's way'. One of the biggest hurdles for any of us to get to is the need for approval. When you drop needing approval from most people..... you can be who you truly are. Some won't like you for it - you need to be prepared for that. When you love, accept and give to yourself...You'll actually have more patience for the human species. That's what's happening to me right now. you can accept the human species for who they are and gain a lot of peace over that....but that dosen't mean you have to be part of anyone's life when you are being emotionally abused.

 

Personally.......I would accept the couch and say thank you. If it is a true gift....you will owe them nothing. If it's not - you'll instintively know how to handle it cause you sound smart to me.

 

Best of everything to you as you grow and heal from this experience. You can do it girl!!

sincerely, Margee

[TrueFreedom]

I agree with Margee. Take the couch and go back to status quo. It may open a door to repairing the relationship. If it doesn't, at least you have your couch!

[Kurari]

Take the couch. You owe them nothing.

 

I think deep down your mother knows that she's done bad, and like most people, cannot face that fact. So she comes up with all kinds of excuses to make it seem like it's just you.

 

Don't play the game. Take your couch and continue ignoring them. You have real family to love and care for you now.

[TrueFreedom]

Sorry your family is so fucked up. You should be proud of yourself for rising above. They owe you the couch. They owe you much more than the couch.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Thanks all so much for the insights. I think, like you say Margee, while you are young, you make do. I am older now, and really, I'm sick of making do with what I have for family. I don't really even see them as family at all, but I've tried to put aside differences so my kids don't miss out. Really, I think my MawMaw's death all those years ago is where my misfire took place and I went overboard with bothering to keep these people around so I wouldn't be guilty of depriving my kids of the only extended family (on my side) that they have left. I wanted to be sure I didn't take the same cruel attitudes my own parents did without consideration of the consequences for all the younger family members involved. My universe is a lonely one because I feel like I've adopted families all my life, and I guess I am okay with that now. Anything is better than being consistently disappointed and reminded of what a dysfunctional bunch of fuck ups my own parents are.

 

I think after seeing the neglectful visitation, even lack of phone calls for that matter, I realized my efforts to help keep my kids in contact was a bunch of horseshit and wasted time. My parents have nothing to offer my kids except pleasantries and the occasional spending spree. That's NOT a relationship, and I don't see why I put myself through the emotional trauma of still associating with these people anymore.

 

As far as the couch, I'm going to find a newer one that is just as comfy and get it for myself. Any remainder of them in my life wouldn't be worth the pain and anger I deal with from suppression in order to keep the peace. They do owe me a lot that could never be recovered and it's a clean start at the very most core of my being by breaking away from them. Sadly, repairing the relationship is not possible. At the very MINIMUM, she would have to ditch my father. Period. Past discussions, she refuses to take any responsibility. All I get are excuses and there is never an acceptable excuse for the things they did to me. So that is that.

 

@Kurari - My mother knows she's done wrong and has always outright refused to take responsibility on any level. She still throws me under the bus to this very day for nearly ending her marriage (which I should've done).

 

As far as programming goes, this isn't the case. It seriously isn't. This is a mother who pretty much abandoned her only child to the world when she realized she'd screwed up way too much to fix it. Easier to keep her image and trash the kid. It's really become more and more apparent over the years how much of a selfish *censored* she is. Dad, I think he is a product of his childhood, but I am a firm believer that when you are old enough to no better, you fix it. He opted to not do so. That's all to say on that.

 

Naturally these two are a pair of holy rollers as well, which makes the whole thing even more infuriating. I have been in situations where I start to talk about something from the past with her and a relative present and she wildly waving her hand to shush behind the relative's back. She damn well KNOWS she's a piece of crap.

 

Anyways, I didn't run into anyone at the fair, which was a plus.

[Ro-bear]

Too bad the family relationship is so damaged. That is so foreign to my experience that I am unqualified to say anything but to express my sympathy for your plight and that of your children, and to wish you the very best.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Too bad the family relationship is so damaged. That is so foreign to my experience that I am unqualified to say anything but to express my sympathy for your plight and that of your children, and to wish you the very best.

I envy you so much.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Sorry your family is so fucked up. You should be proud of yourself for rising above. They owe you the couch. They owe you much more than the couch.

Ironically, I feel like just cutting bait is not rising above. I guess, I just know how the conversation is going to go for the millionth time and don't see the point in talking anymore. I mean, on some levels I actually feel guilty for not putting my feelings out there again and offer another chance. I am very much a person who prefers to keep offering a door, you know?

 

It's ridiculous I feel this way, but I guess I experienced lack of effort and initiative so much in my youth that I am rather hyper vigilant about it now.

[TrueFreedom]

Sorry your family is so fucked up. You should be proud of yourself for rising above. They owe you the couch. They owe you much more than the couch.

Ironically, I feel like just cutting bait is not rising above. I guess, I just know how the conversation is going to go for the millionth time and don't see the point in talking anymore. I mean, on some levels I actually feel guilty for not putting my feelings out there again and offer another chance. I am very much a person who prefers to keep offering a door, you know?

 

It's ridiculous I feel this way, but I guess I experienced lack of effort and initiative so much in my youth that I am rather hyper vigilant about it now.

 

At least you are woman enough to deal with a problem when it needs to be addressed. Your parents sound like cowardly children, incapable of taking responsibility for anything.

[blackpudd1n]

Fuck the couch. She could have offered it to you any other time, but instead she chose to hold off until a time when it suited her. She's just trying to manipulate you again, regain the upper hand. You know this. That's why you haven't taken her up on the offer. You know it comes with strings attached, and you know she'll only try and use it against you later. So fuck the couch.

 

Secondly, it would be nice if your parents could change. It would be nice if they could be different. It would be nice if they would be honest, apologise, and treat you like an adult. But they're not going to. You know that. Just because they gave birth to you, doesn't mean you owe them anything. And just because you had an awesome relationship with your own grandmother, doesn't mean that they will have that relationship with your sons. Honestly, to me it sounds as though they gave up their right to be acknowledged as your parents and your children's grandparents long ago.

 

But here's the thing. The bond between two people is always more important than the blood connection. Sharing some genes doesn't mean you're going to have a good relationship with someone. You want to give your sons the experience of having grandparents. I hear that loud and clear. How many people out there do you think there are, wishing they had the experience of grandkids in their lives? People who are sitting in nursing homes, wishing they could see their own grandkids more often? Why not start going to a local nursing home with your boys and having them visit with the residents there once a week, and see what relationships develop on their own? Maybe see if they can serve morning tea on a Saturday or something. Your children will gain the personal rewards from volunteering, and will probably end up with more grandparents than they know what to do with. Old folks in nursing homes love getting visitors, especially kids. You don't have to keep going through this shit.

[Ro-bear]

Too bad the family relationship is so damaged. That is so foreign to my experience that I am unqualified to say anything but to express my sympathy for your plight and that of your children, and to wish you the very best.

I envy you so much.

 

I am very lucky. As such, I have a duty to pay it forward with my own kids.

 

Your job is harder; you have to break the cycle, to take the pain upon yourself so your kids have it better. That was my mother's role. She had a terrible childhood, with a passive aggressive mother and a weak, remote father. She was the oldest and least favorite of three children. The other two could do no wrong. Even in her eighties, she bears those scars. But none of us kids knew much about it until we were adults. She made sure that she gave her kids the kind of home her parents should have given her. She turned her crummy childhood into a legacy.

 

That's what you are doing. Draw what satisfaction you can from your own awesomeness.

[RankStranger]

Zomberina- I'm not in your situation, and I don't have kids... so I may well be talking out my ass here. But are you sure you even want these people in your kid's life? Can their father's extended family fill that role instead?

[Akheia]

Also childfree here and cut my toxic dad out of my life yonks ago so don't have much to add except this, wow, Zom, that is some awful stuff to be going through. Can't blame you for not taking the couch... though whatever you did, I'd support your decision. I respect your strength of character and admire your resolve and cunning--and your ferocious love for your kids. Whatever you do, I trust you.

 

Besides, if you buy your own couch new it won't smell like your folks' house. Smell's a big trigger of memories for me--sometimes recovering memories long, long buried. A new one will be all ready for you to get smelling of family love and fun

 

PS: It is okay to call your mom a toxic bitch if that's what she is. You don't have to censor around us. My dad is a fucking asshole. There, I said it. And lightning has thus far failed to hit m

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Zomberina- I'm not in your situation, and I don't have kids... so I may well be talking out my ass here. But are you sure you even want these people in your kid's life? Can their father's extended family fill that role instead?

You are certainly not talking out of your ass here. Unfortunately, the father(s) of my kids (married twice), are highly dysfunctional. I married twice before finally going to counseling, if that helps put the whole ongoing mess in perspective.

 

Yeah, it's a fun world we make for ourselves!

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Also childfree here and cut my toxic dad out of my life yonks ago so don't have much to add except this, wow, Zom, that is some awful stuff to be going through. Can't blame you for not taking the couch... though whatever you did, I'd support your decision. I respect your strength of character and admire your resolve and cunning--and your ferocious love for your kids. Whatever you do, I trust you.

 

Besides, if you buy your own couch new it won't smell like your folks' house. Smell's a big trigger of memories for me--sometimes recovering memories long, long buried. A new one will be all ready for you to get smelling of family love and fun

 

PS: It is okay to call your mom a toxic bitch if that's what she is. You don't have to censor around us. My dad is a fucking asshole. There, I said it. And lightning has thus far failed to hit m

Smell is always a trigger for me too. Love being a mammal!

 

It's still coming in waves as far as typing out nasty names for her, but I say them all day long.

 

Either way, I didn't respond at all to her call. I am not going to take the couch or anything else from her or dad, unless passed away. Of course, I am sure they will just write me out anyway. Whoopity doo.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

**Update**

 

Well, mom sent an email:

 

Hi Amanda

I have called and called and left messages on your phone. So I don't know if it is the same number or some new number. I hope that you are ok and well. Dad and I are fine. My feet have finally quit hurting, don't really know why they did what they did. I did have a terrible time walking for a lot of the summer because of the pain.

I hope that you are not upset with me. What ever I have done, please let me know, because I honestly don't know.

I hope that your home schooling of Sean is working out.

Dad and I have emailed Rachel back and forth. Especially Dad he enjoys talking with her.

I have been to school and had lunch with Brett. I hope to go again. He seemed to enjoy my visit. They have a very nice Elementary School in Mt. Orab. It was rather wall to wall kindergarten kids and they were fun to watch again.

Dad and I went to the Gtown Fair parade and waved at Brett on the Kibler truck as it went by. He was very excited and happy to ride it with Tom through town. Due to the rain, we did not go to the fair this year.

Well I will keep this short. Aunt Sue died. She was Uncle Bud's wife and I always enjoyed the slow way she talked.

Love

Mom

 

***

Ironically, I have no clue who Aunt Sue is. We never went to visit, talk on the phone, what not. Strange she would say she enjoyed the way she spoke when they never contacted. Oh well. Now I have to decide if I should just lay it out there for the umpteenth time. I like how she slipped in her feet bothering her to excuse her absence from seeing the kids, but she doesn't explain her lack of calls. LMAO This is rich.

[Akheia]

Mmhmm. So she genuinely has no idea what might have made you upset with her? I call shens. This sounds like something narcissists and other sorts of controllers do--act all reconciliatory, like they're the victims and you're the meaniepie who won't even tell them what they did so you'll feel guilty and go through it all again, but the second you're back in their grip, they start up the old reindeer games again. It's glaringly obvious to me from what you've said that you've explained it plenty of times. A while ago I saw a thread on here by one of our resident fundies about how reality isn't real. It went on for pages and pages, and then the fundie went "wait, someone explain the problem to me again"--like it wasn't on every single page on a 20-page thread. Kids do it too--remember that Calvin & Hobbes strip where Calvin's trying to get more time outside on a summer evening? He strings his mom along for an entire Sunday strip, ending with trying to get her to define "dark" specifically so they can start the argument over again. It's a stalling tactic to get you talking again and start the crazymaking process over after it's become too glaringly obvious that the roller-coaster ride has ended. I trust whatever you choose to do, just wanted to mention this concern of mine in case you hadn't noticed what I perceived. If you don't see that tactic at work, obviously disregard.

 

I also wonder why she mentioned the slow cadence of Sue's speech. Did she ever bitch at you for talking too fast or using big words or anything? This sounded like a subtle slam for some reason. It's still nice she mentioned Sue's passing at all (didn't you mention that she'd once omitted telling you about a death in the family? Wonder if that had something to do with it). I dunno, this just sounds like an attempt to reel you in. If she'd even acknowledged the pain she'd caused you in a meaningful way that'd be one thing, but this is a non-apology to its fingertips if I ever saw one. Ugh. Good luck with the old gal. Behind you 100%.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Mmhmm. So she genuinely has no idea what might have made you upset with her? I call shens. This sounds like something narcissists and other sorts of controllers do--act all reconciliatory, like they're the victims and you're the meaniepie who won't even tell them what they did so you'll feel guilty and go through it all again, but the second you're back in their grip, they start up the old reindeer games again. It's glaringly obvious to me from what you've said that you've explained it plenty of times. A while ago I saw a thread on here by one of our resident fundies about how reality isn't real. It went on for pages and pages, and then the fundie went "wait, someone explain the problem to me again"--like it wasn't on every single page on a 20-page thread. Kids do it too--remember that Calvin & Hobbes strip where Calvin's trying to get more time outside on a summer evening? He strings his mom along for an entire Sunday strip, ending with trying to get her to define "dark" specifically so they can start the argument over again. It's a stalling tactic to get you talking again and start the crazymaking process over after it's become too glaringly obvious that the roller-coaster ride has ended. I trust whatever you choose to do, just wanted to mention this concern of mine in case you hadn't noticed what I perceived. If you don't see that tactic at work, obviously disregard.

 

I also wonder why she mentioned the slow cadence of Sue's speech. Did she ever bitch at you for talking too fast or using big words or anything? This sounded like a subtle slam for some reason. It's still nice she mentioned Sue's passing at all (didn't you mention that she'd once omitted telling you about a death in the family? Wonder if that had something to do with it). I dunno, this just sounds like an attempt to reel you in. If she'd even acknowledged the pain she'd caused you in a meaningful way that'd be one thing, but this is a non-apology to its fingertips if I ever saw one. Ugh. Good luck with the old gal. Behind you 100%.

 

It

Its her playing games. Her whole I dont know what has you upset routine is her basically saying she doesnt know except FOR THAT but she considers that moved on from whether I realize it or not tactic. I am continuing zero contact and leave at that.

[Akheia]

Probably for the best. She sounds pretty toxic.