HRDWarrior Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Now, to start off, this isn't a "whoa is me" kind of tale. My (very recently, not on paper yet) ex and I had a very amicable split. We're still living in the same house like roommates, still get along just fine as friends. There was no yelling, screaming or attacks - some tears, but as far as break ups go, they don't come much more amicably especially after 11 years together (married 9). We still respect and appreciate the other person as a person and a friend....just not much of anything left for a relationship. And this is where religion comes in.... If you dig for old posts or remember me, I grew up in a very fundamentalist home, complete with abuse. It was pretty messed up. Being the oldest child, homeschooled and living in the middle of nowhere, I had no one to go to for advice other than my parents - mother especially. Fast forward to my very early 20's and I never took the opportunity to strike out on my own. I went straight from my controlling mother to being married, and never really had a chance to get to know myself being too busy dealing with family issues. That being said, I did a decent job of choosing a guy who was right for me at that time - of course, religion and my family dictated that I go from under my parent's roof to being married, and that's exactly what I did. Fast forward 9+ years. Over the years, I grew more into myself - more independant, more self reliant, and more opinionated and able to express those opinions. My ex, who also grew up in a dysfunctional religious family (although not quite as screwed up as mine), also became very focused on his career and where he wanted to go with life. Our backgrounds led to a number of personal issues for both of us, which led to unhappiness in our relationship for both of us. Due to how each of us was raised and taught to think, we didn't communicate like we should have. Add in that I finally had come to a point where I really needed to just get to know myself and what I wanted out of life, relationships, etc. All of this kinda came to a head a few months ago. I had a bit of a catalyst - we had been coasting along, but this was just a matter of time, and my catalyst made me deal with it. After finally getting the courage to discuss things with him, we ended up deciding on a trial separation. We put time limits on it, but stayed in regular communication. Over the course of the past several weeks we've probably talked more about deep, personal things than we have in years. The honesty has been refreshing, and we've both seen things in ourselves that we need to work on and through if either of us is ever going to have a healthy relationship with someone else. We've also learned a lot about what got us into this place, and religion and it's influences were a big factor. The problems that religion presented were broad. A few that directly affected us: -The idea that you (women especially) shouldn't live out on their own (very traditional/fundamentalist idea, but I grew up with it). -Marriage is more of a business arrangement between two people than anything else (we did/do great on the business/function side of things) -Married couples should stay together NO MATTER WHAT. -Your (again, especially for women) total focus should be on your spouse, and that's all that matters. -Romantic love is never a condition of marriage. I'm sure there are more, but those ones were pretty key. Becoming an atheist and the changes that brought about in my outlook on a lot of things definitely had a strong influence in how we got here (he's also no longer religious, but is a deist). I never took the time to get to know what I wanted out of life without having someone else there that I had to answer to. For some that may be okay, but I'm a pretty independent person by nature, and not having that opportunity has definitely fed into our present relationship status. Both of our personal ideas and the ideals we were raised with were huge as well. I guess the main point of this is to provide some warning to the younger people and perhaps some hope to someone who may be in a similar situation. Take time to be sure of who you are - until you're in your late 20's, you probably don't know, at least not as far as committed relationships go. Just because you're no longer "in love" with someone doesn't mean things have to be ugly. Don't settle for "content" though, either. I've seen that fall apart down the line way too many times. The more independent both parties are, the more it is essential to really define the relationship. Of course, for us our definition when we got together and the one we'd have now are very different and the two aren't very compatible. To clarify for those who may wonder, we do NOT have any children. We have pets and a house, but we split finances when we separated. Vehicles, etc were already separate financially and legally. For the most part, not much is really going to change about our living situation since we separated. Although we both acknowledge that our individual shortcomings got us here, we both also cannot help but put some of the blame onto religion and the brainwashing that we were both raised with because of it. It sucks that I'm still dealing with the fallout of religion years after being out of it....makes me wonder if you can ever truly shed it's influences on your psyche. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Xtech Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 What a touching and wise post. I wish you the very best as you move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3DollarBill Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 We're rather similarly situated, actually. Hard to tell what feelings are there anymore...we still really enjoy spending time together but the passion may be gone for good. Religion didn't directly do this to us, but it sure as hell played a role in my depression, which, in turn, damaged this relationship. Moreover, it was religion which trained me to not take control of my life...damaging my ambitions and stalling my career. I guess that was the breaking point. Now I'm scared...scared of being alone, scared of moving on. Hell, I don't even know how to flirt with a woman at a bar- the last time I was single I was two years away from even getting into one. Do you ever shed the last influences of religion? For the last year I've been hoping so but now I think the answer is probably no...so add it to the growing pile of bullshit. I've already lost too much time to be ashamed of the way my psyche works and I'm just going to have to learn to live with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 It's kinda crazy the way traditional marriage as put forth by most religions has nothing to do with personal development, especially emotionally. All that matters is that one is old enough for the deed physically, and that the parents are up for the deal. It's really incredibly stupid. I'm thankful that in today's mainstream society many people are waiting to get married until they're close to 30 now. I think overall that will lead to less divorces as people enter relationships knowing who they are better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted October 1, 2012 Author Share Posted October 1, 2012 It's kinda crazy the way traditional marriage as put forth by most religions has nothing to do with personal development, especially emotionally. All that matters is that one is old enough for the deed physically, and that the parents are up for the deal. It's really incredibly stupid. I'm thankful that in today's mainstream society many people are waiting to get married until they're close to 30 now. I think overall that will lead to less divorces as people enter relationships knowing who they are better. I would agree completely....granted, looking at early human civilization I can get where the traditional ideas stemmed from, but the fact that they still persist in modern times is what's sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wings Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Warrior, thank you for your post!! You have clearly hurt and been damaged by religion, but even how this has negatively affected your relationship I am so impressed that you and your spouse both realized it and that it seems you're supporting each other in your growth from here. That is actually incredibly special and I wish you much success and happiness on both of your journeys. Thank you also, for using your experience to guide others-- I just turned 29 and I didn't get married when in my early 20s. It was/has been difficult over the years to be that odd one out (besides the religious expectations), but I'm SO grateful for it now. Many of my friends are in fulfilling marriages, but many of them are not. I think most will subscribe to the "stay married no matter what" philosophy... but I'm exceedingly grateful for the opportunities I've had in lieu of a relationship. I tell my younger siblings to wait as long as they can, too. We certainly do change with time. Looking forward to hearing more from you and how you find your way from here! Best!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Marriage (as people, and women in particular, think of it today) as a deep life affirming search for a like minded partner is a pretty recent thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Marriage (as people, and women in particular, think of it today) as a deep life affirming search for a like minded partner is a pretty recent thing. But is it a good thing? I think it depends if it is working or not, if you have the same goals. If you are lucky enough for it to be working then having a loving companion you can trust can only be a good thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TristanJay Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I think I can empathize. Religion gave me a perspective on forgiveness that didn't match up with my ex (and she was selective when it suited her, and ignored her own hypocrisy if there was opportunity to criticize me), and religion crippled me with a naive and simultaneously rationalist perspective on love. There were other problems as well, but yeah, ideas encouraged by religion played there small part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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