BlackCat Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 After 35 years (starting from age 15) of silence from God or rather the God of the Bible, I've finally had enough of it. Here's a brief overview of my struggling journey to try to connect with God/Jesus:I was raised a Roman Catholic til age 12, so I had a strong faith in Biblical matters that was based on the say so of adults.Age 12 to 15 didn't really go to church hardly but still believed in God and started wondering about the meaning of life and wondering if God was real.Age 15-21- I became a Jehovah's Witness (almost- I was an approved associate and went out on the preaching work). I was 'wagging' off school one day, and a day or two before, I'd prayed that if God was real, He'd show me. Voila, these two lovely JW sisters came knocking and told me some amazing things that were actually in the Bible, but no one had told me these things before. I did experience an 'assured' feeling that I was saved, and would be safe through Armageddon, but I had already tasted of the world's ways by age 15 and so it wasn't long before I struggled to be 'perfect', as the JWs stressed (Jesus tells us to be perfect) and so I left, went back, and eventually got disassociated for fornication. From then on, I never again felt the assurance of being saved, I'd felt with them. Ihad realised they were wrong on lots of things, hence why I'd not got baptised, and now I can look back and see they are a cult, very legalistic and have negative effects on people.Age 21- up to a few days ago- I tried over the years to 'go' to Church, but always struggled with 'Churchianity'. Then the Toronto Blessing came along in 94 and I knew it was dodgy from the start and has pervaded a lot of Christendom. I've always doubted 'gifts' of the Spirit (that you see today), and sensed they were not kosher, probably psychological in nature. In the last three years, I've tried to find Jesus at different churches and brands of Christianity e.g Hebrew Roots groups (more legalism), house group (none in my area), various churches in my neighbourhood and finally I settled on a little Baptist church two minutes from me, where the dogma seemed at a minimum.I had many questions that I used to try and get answers to. I've seen the eyes of pastors glaze over, and one said 'Ask God, he'll sort it out. I used to write these questions down and put them in my Bible so that God would hopefully answer them. About three years ago, I came across the teaching of universal reconciliation: the belief that Jesus is going to save every single human who has ever existed (even Hitler and Satan). This seemed the most appealing version of Christianity: 'as in Adam all our dying, so in Christ all are being made alive' and I tried to hold on to that hope- and I still do hope that this is true : that all will be well. Hope springs eternal, as they say. I finally came to the end of the road a few days ago.A few days ago- I was discussing some theological issues (If I couldn't sense God, then maybe if I kept myself immersed in Biblical matters I'd not notice the holes of an absent God and more absent Jesus) with some friends and the futility of theology just struck me. Why was I arguing about matters that had no proof? Jesus was no nearer to being real to me, than he had been thirty years ago. I' ve cried out to Him many times over the years that I was hanging on by the tip of my little finger and that I needed to know He loved me and had forgiven me (that was another thing I always struggled with- I never felt I'd been forgiven) and could He just give me one tiny drop of comfort or assurance. I reasoned with Him that it was impossible for me to server and love Him, if He didnt' seem real.I still believe in an Intelligent Designer, as I believe design can be detected and inferred by the complexity of matter e.g molecular machines in a cell and so it seems this 'Designer' started life and is letting it go where it will. This may mean that we only have one shot at life but I'm hoping this life isn't all there is. I'm hedging my bets in a way, but I'm an optimist, and so if there is a designer who designed intelligent, loving beings, then hopefully 'He' will have more in store for us. My intention now, is to just 'be', and to cease fretting over God and Jesus. If there is the divine, then maybe I'll get a fleeting glimpse in a quiet moment, when I'm not looking for it anymore? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted November 11, 2012 Moderator Share Posted November 11, 2012 Hi BlackCat! I can relate to your tiring of theological arguments. I feel that I have a better understanding of theological origins after examining the teachings attributed to Jesus and the early Jewish Christianities versus the teachings of Paul and early Gnostic Christianities. Take a break. Be free consider other ideas or rest in the moment. It's so nice not having to worry about having the right theology! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted November 11, 2012 Moderator Share Posted November 11, 2012 Welcome BlackCat!! Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I noticed you already commented on my 'Please Forgive Me' letter, so you KNOW I joined EX-c feeling exactly the same way!! I suggest to you to sit and read and read and read all the new posts as well as the old posts........The information is almost unending!! You will find that eventually that you will come to know who you really are and what you believe or don't believe. It's a bit of a journey. I have done so much investigating in the last 2 years......every therory imaginable...reincarnation, string theory, etc....to try and find out who started this whole 'thing' and if 'it 'cares for us. It is only now, that I am forming my own opinions. And that's the nice thing about being free to investigate to your hearts content and form your own opinions.!! I am so glad you joined us here at EX-c!! Sincerely, Margee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 Welcome to ex-C! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylight Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Welcome, thanks for sharing your story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Hi, BlackCat, and welcome to ExC. You are not alone in your struggle and in the silence you have experienced. If he exists, all God woul have to do is to reveal himself in a way that his existence would be irrefutable. Surely a god would be able to do that. The silence leads me to one of two conclusions. The first is that one does not exist. The second is that, if one does exist, whether we know of his existence is irrelevant to him. Either way, there is nothing I can do about it so I just go on with my life, which sounds like what you have decided upon, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geezer Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 I think most of us that participate on this site can remember a specific day in our lives when we came to the realization that all of the stuff we had been taught and believed in simply wasn't true. I think many of us look at that event as the day we were liberated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackCat Posted November 13, 2012 Author Share Posted November 13, 2012 Thanks guys, for your warm welcomes. Yes, Margee, I've got a lot of reading to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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