Here's What Happened In Church Today...

[3DollarBill]

Today I actually attended my old church.  I'll spare everyone the details of how and why certain family members managed to cajole me into doing so...suffice it to say I need something from them and therefore will do whatever it takes to keep the peace.  Anyhow, here is an account of the morning's proceedings for all you heathens to enjoy:

 

 

0:00-0:05 Background music, opening prayer, saying hi to a bunch of people who apparently know me but...well let's face it I don't have a bloody clue who they are. 

0:05-0:20 Sing some songs about teh lawd being what he unalterably is. Why? I dunno.  There's a hot girl playing electric guitar...what a pity. Wait...what's this?  As soon as they are done she leaves! I used to do that!  I wonder...

0:20-0:30 Choir sings some more songs about gawd being what he is. We're allowed to sit for this part...which is a damn good thing.  I slammed four massive vodka-tonics before setting off and holy fuck they are really kicking in...I'm pretty drunk by now. There's a black guy in the choir. What the hell, man?!? This is church! Don't you know we're supposed to make like it's 1932 and segregate?!?

0:30-0:50 Preacher gives sermon on "assurance." Oh, this should be good.
- starts off with story about said preacher swallowing a dime as a kid, and becoming really worried about it. Dad reassures him nothing is wrong by pretending to pull two nickels out of his ass. So we began today's message on "assurance" with a story about a well-intended but blatant lie. Interesting.
- now on to Luke 1:1-4. First rule on preaching...keep it to 4 verses max. The sheeple simply can't handle more than that.  
- Gospel of Luke is historically accurate. How do we know that? Because it fucking says so, that's why! Duh!
- Now to Acts 1:1...which also says Luke is historically accurate. So two ancient texts likely written by the same person validate each other...Tah Dah!  Incontrovertible proof! Take that, atheists!

 

0:50-0:55  Ah, yes, the most important bit...collecting the money!  For our entertainment an extraordinarily cheesy video advertising some sort of kids camp plays on the projector.  Fucking hell, they really think they're going to keep the kiddies "in the fold" with this tripe?!?  I'm far too drunk to hold it in, and audibly burst out laughing, incurring funny looks from those around me.  Oh well, like I said, I really have no clue who most of them are.

0:55-1:00 Closing song and prayer. As always I scan for fellow heathens and spot one other unbowed head in the section of 18-20 year olds. Heh, heh...somebody's here chasing tail! But then he gets up and leaves...goddammit, man, you're doing it all wrong! The vast majority of the flirting takes place AFTER...at least invite one of them to lunch or something! Or better yet...nah, you're right, don't waste your time. You know this bunch isn't putting out.

And then, that's it. Everybody runs away as quickly as possible. I go to eat a steak, drink several more beers, have a critical discussion of biblical texts with the old man who I swear is on the cusp of realizing that none of it makes any damn sense...and now I'm off to help him dig a hole or something.

[TheStine]

I was coerced into attending church last week. I honestly cannot remember a word the Preacher said. The only thing I remeber thinking about is the lack of attractive girls, then I just daydreamed about winning the lottery. I don't plan on going back any time soon.

[Raul]

 

  I slammed four massive vodka-tonics before setting off and holy fuck they are really kicking in..

[raoul]

Oh my gawd 3DB - that was hysterically funny especially where you say you lost it and began laughing. I could almost picture you doing it. And thank you for convincing me to stay the hell out of church another 2 or 3 decades.... LOL

[LoneTarus]

thanks for the survivial tip. I think If I ever set foot in a church again it will be massively tanked up. it might just be enough to keep my head from exploding or punching one of those so called "prophets" or "apostles" in the face. although I think I will just avoid the whole thing instead, life is too short to waste on something like that (and I already wasted my 20s on that massive circle jerk) 

 

I know you had your reasons though so thanks for finding a solution to get through it and sharing a hilarious post for us all to read. 

[3DollarBill]

Glad everybody enjoyed the read...I was a bit anxious about it as I've had quite a run of bad things happening in my life and am not in a good place emotionally.  Church is pure emotional manipulation, so I didn't know how I would find it.  

 

But to put it bluntly, it was fucking hilarious.  I actually really enjoyed it...not enough to keep doing it, mind you, but jesus-h-nonexistant-christ what a show!  And a highly profitable one at that...according to the bulletin last week's revenue topped $10,000...which was of course short of the "required" budget but it's been about 15-20% short every week since I was first in kindergarten and able to read said bulletin (and yeah, I pondered the financials back then, I'm such a dork) and somehow they still haven't gone bankrupt...which is too damn bad.

[Jose]

You know. I haven't stepped foot in a church since 2002. I'm curious now.

 

Mostly because I also love vodka and tonics and going to church tanked sounds like fun.

Hell, I go everywhere except work halfway lit... why not church?

[Guest Pixie]

It's so terrible to sit in church with all these doubts and questions and have to pretend. Especially when everyone around you doesn't have the slightest clue that you are a doubter. I dread church now. I think I might take up drinking. That may help me!! LOL

[LifeCycle]

I do think the experience would be worth it though.  To take part in something you have absolutely no belief in and watching it all unfold as a spectator could be quite the learning experience.  The things I sat through and believed in.  Wow....  I may just end up trying to kick my own ass for being so gullible.

[Rek99]

I know I've said this a million times, but I really don't mind going to church with the wife.  I sit down (during the entire thing), ignore those who try and shake my hand while "greeting" those around them, and play on my phone while laughing to myself at the inane shit the preacher says.
 

It's funny being on the outside looking in.  Here's a guy who claims to have a special connection with the creator of the universe.  He knows who god is, what he wants, what he finds pleasing, and how to live forever.  He really should tell all the scientists to stop working because he has it all figured out.

[3DollarBill]

It's so terrible to sit in church with all these doubts and questions and have to pretend. Especially when everyone around you doesn't have the slightest clue that you are a doubter. I dread church now. I think I might take up drinking. That may help me!! LOL

 

I agree with that sentiment...I really started hating church during high school as the doubts grew.  (So like any good churchie I started going more often but that's for a different thread)  But these days, I have zero doubts and zero questions. I think I am surer now that it is all bullshit than I ever was convinced that it was real.

 

So I think it's all a matter of being further along in my deconversion and de-programming.  I know it's all a spectacle so I sit back and enjoy the show.  The only painful part was watching my mother write out a check to drop in the plate...that's my future inheritance goddammit, stick that shit in the bank!

 

But yeah, try going tanked.  And to be perfectly honest there was a small bit of some medical-grade weed involved as well.

[raoul]

I do think the experience would be worth it though.  To take part in something you have absolutely no belief in and watching it all unfold as a spectator could be quite the learning experience.  The things I sat through and believed in.  Wow....  I may just end up trying to kick my own ass for being so gullible.

Hey LC,

Before you starting kicking your ass can I borrow your foot so you can kick mine? My foot is too sore to do the job because I've been kicking myself for the past year since coming out of the cult. LOL

 

Actually, I think it's safe to say I am speaking on behalf of the majority of magnificent folks around here including the druggie, 3DB, who confessed to using some weed. LOL

 

Seriously though, don't kick yourself (and that goes for everyone else around here as well). After all, isn't it a true sign of intellectual honesty to change one's views no matter how extreme once the evidence warrants it? I dunno about you but I've never been happier and content with my own skin...

[Guest Pixie]

It's very interesting (and different) to sit back and watch everyone now. I think I will turn this into a project and accept it as part of my deconverting. It is strange to be the observer now as a doubter and take notes of the people who still struggle so desperately emotionally and physically. I also keep my eyes on how the pastor has the ability to work the congregation up. I mentally write everything down in my head. Some of the very deep questions I have inside are being answered just by sitting in the services. Maybe I will go with that attitude and continue to record all this information in my journal. This might make going to church fun again! LOl

[LifeCycle]

I still lol at part of you loling at the kids camp stuff. Great movie material. :-)

[mymistake]

I know I've said this a million times, but I really don't mind going to church with the wife.  I sit down (during the entire thing), ignore those who try and shake my hand while "greeting" those around them, and play on my phone while laughing to myself at the inane shit the preacher says.

 

It's funny being on the outside looking in.  Here's a guy who claims to have a special connection with the creator of the universe.  He knows who god is, what he wants, what he finds pleasing, and how to live forever.  He really should tell all the scientists to stop working because he has it all figured out.

 

 

That was kind of my experience going to a fundie Nazarene church only my wife would not have tolerated me drawing attention.  So I had to sit there and try to not laugh.  I was able to do it for a while.  But then I got to the point where I couldn't keep the laughter in.  Based on my situation it was better to just tell my wife strait up that I couldn't go there anymore because I couldn't sit through another minute of the main service without laughing my head off.

 

We have gone to Catholic mass a few times and it's far more boring.  Still once in a while they say something hypocritical enough to get me chuckling.

[Inqui]

So I think it's all a matter of being further along in my deconversion and de-programming.  I know it's all a spectacle so I sit back and enjoy the show.  The only painful part was watching my mother write out a check to drop in the plate...that's my future inheritance goddammit, stick that shit in the bank!

 

 

Hahaha, I know that feel. I'm getting jack shit when my older family members start dropping off and you've gotta wonder how different that might be without the church taking so much. A mate of mine just got $13,000 from his grandfather - depressing thought really, haha.

 

The last time I went to church was more than a year ago. There was one specific church I was curious about because I knew so many people who had started going there. I'd heard two opinions of it from non-religious people, that it was 1) full of crazy fundamentalists, 2) a cult, so I thought I'd see for myself. Everyone I met was crazy friendly and loved talking about sports and politics (but they all voted National, ewww).

 

Watching the whole thing was a really interesting experience and I begun to get an idea of how they manage to rope in new initiates members. They made a really big deal out of welcoming newcomers before the sermon, and at the end they ran their standard guilt-tripping speeches. "We're all really worthless and there is torment to come, but I believe God can take your mistakes and cast them to the other end of the universe!" was one, and would have been effective for those struggling with things in their past. Another one was "everyone we've talked to on the streets believes in SOMETHING" as if that "something" was absolutely Biblegod. It was a smart use of suggestion, I'll give them that.

 

I'd just left Christianity (having left the church a while previous), so I feel like I got a lot out of the experience, just not in the way those nuts would have liked. I also learned I can still bullshit my way through a Christianese conversation. Maybe I should become a pastor at some point.

 

Anyway, this thread seriously made my day. Hopefully you don't have to go through that experience too much.

[Lerk]

Churches are so different from one another! Churches of Christ make sure you know that visitors are not expected to drop anything in the collection plate. And because the collection usually follows the crackers and grape juice, they say something like "separate and apart from the Lord's Supper, we are now given the opportunity to lay by in store."

 

(I heard a radio DJ use the phrase "separate and apart" awhile back. He HAD to be ex-church of christ!)

 

And verses in the scriptures? If you don't quote at least 20, you aren't a "sound gospel preacher".

 

I always have one or two glasses of wine before I go, but I've never gone drunk.

 

It really is weird feeling like an observer, especially when everyone there thinks I'm one of the faithful. Surreal.

 

Enjoyed your entertaining post 3DollarBill!

[scarfwearer]

This Sunday, I totally ignored the preacher and zoned out while thinking about a programming problem and then went home and quickly and furiously banged out the solution.

 

I felt relieved.

[midniterider]

Churches are so different from one another! Churches of Christ make sure you know that visitors are not expected to drop anything in the collection plate. And because the collection usually follows the crackers and grape juice, they say something like "separate and apart from the Lord's Supper, we are now given the opportunity to lay by in store."

 

(I heard a radio DJ use the phrase "separate and apart" awhile back. He HAD to be ex-church of christ!)

 

And verses in the scriptures? If you don't quote at least 20, you aren't a "sound gospel preacher".

 

I always have one or two glasses of wine before I go, but I've never gone drunk.

 

It really is weird feeling like an observer, especially when everyone there thinks I'm one of the faithful. Surreal.

 

Enjoyed your entertaining post 3DollarBill!

 

Separate and apart...but I repeat myself. :-)

[3DollarBill]

Churches are so different from one another! Churches of Christ make sure you know that visitors are not expected to drop anything in the collection plate.

I was the visitor, my parents are both members.  I was as well, from approximately age 5 until, technically, last fall, though I had not attended more than twice a year or even lived in this state since 2005.  BUT...while they certainly didn't specifically attempt to extract donations from visitors, they didn't discourage it either.

 

On the topic of church racketeering, my dad did happen to leave the annual tax statement from the church out on the kitchen counter.  Now I don't know for sure what they make, but I've got a pretty good idea, and they gave somewhere on the order of 2%, and that's excluding any investment income they had.  I hate that they give any but I'm glad they don't fall for the 10% bullshit.

 

 My grandfather, on the other hand, sits on his church's finance committee and once went on a rant about how they were failing to plan for reduced revenue during the recession, during which he let it slip that he was the largest single donor out of the whole membership.  I can't complain, he's got plenty, and his kids and grandkids get plenty...but still, he absolutely worked his ass off for over 40 years building the company where he made it all, according himself no "executive privilege" other than a leased Town Car, and now the cult is bleeding out of him every cent they can manage.  It's disgusting.