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Did You Ever Find Dating Just Impossible....


traveller2
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when you were a christian?I am interested in other peoples expereinces of this.In the 1990s and early 00's i was in a lively and huge evangelical charismatic church in London.I was in my early twenties and never dated.Eventually i started seeing non christian women.

I think that christian youth was trapped by the culture of  the church that seemed to encoargaege almost a form of A sexuality.men and women who denied their gender identity and were incongruent to their feelings,their desire even to the point of ignoring the opposite sex and inability to flirt.And i think as its basis wastoo the fear of being disapproved of,being lablled as a loose woman or a male player,a serial dater.then there was the unhelpful attitude to sex and relationships which we are all painfully aware of I suspect.

I think in my church being single for God was valued among men.it resulted in a few angry women who were left with an even more depleted pool of available men.

Somehow non christians and I am speaking of bboth genders were more genuine and i count myself as one of these incongruent individuals trappped in the unspoken culture of how to behave.

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I did. With one exception, nobody from my three years as a visitor in xtianity gave me the time of day, dating wise. The exception turned out to have a lot of issues to deal with, and he was pretty much married to his career. On top of that, he was rather snooty and a homophobe to boot. Could never quite look me in the eye. He was passing through town, and let's just say that once was enough. I sat in on a couple of the young adult group get togethers, and both times they pretty much ignored me after nosing around to find out how "worthy" i was of their acceptance. I tried a xtian dating site, and that place was Paradise City for creeps. One guy i PM'd regularly from there couldn't get away from me fast enough when i told him i no longer believed.

 

In hindsight, i think i dodged a bullet. I'm guessing the reasons why nobody wanted me was b/c i wasn't xtian, wasn't born into any religion, didn't come from THEIR idea of a family, wasn't wealthy, spoiled and privileged like they were, and i was too street smart for them. Fine with me. If that's the way they're gonna be, then fuck 'em.

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Nah. I met my boyfriend in church.

 

I did notice a lot of gender segregation though in many churches I went to, like boys would usually only talk to boys and girls usually would only talk to girls. There would also be a lot of men's bible studies/ nights and women's bible studies/nights. The larger the churches I went to, the more likely they were to segregate.

 

I spent so much of my time in church and did so much church hopping that I was bound to meet someone eventually, lol. I am not sure what the statistics are about what percentage of people who go to church meet their significant other there.

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I did. With one exception, nobody from my three years as a visitor in xtianity gave me the time of day, dating wise. The exception turned out to have a lot of issues to deal with, and he was pretty much married to his career. On top of that, he was rather snooty and a homophobe to boot. Could never quite look me in the eye. He was passing through town, and let's just say that once was enough. I sat in on a couple of the young adult group get togethers, and both times they pretty much ignored me after nosing around to find out how "worthy" i was of their acceptance. I tried a xtian dating site, and that place was Paradise City for creeps. One guy i PM'd regularly from there couldn't get away from me fast enough when i told him i no longer believed.

 

In hindsight, i think i dodged a bullet. I'm guessing the reasons why nobody wanted me was b/c i wasn't xtian, wasn't born into any religion, didn't come from THEIR idea of a family, wasn't wealthy, spoiled and privileged like they were, and i was too street smart for them. Fine with me. If that's the way they're gonna be, then fuck 'em.

Wow. Those people sound so stuck up. In my experience, if someone was going to be stuck up it was usually the girls. The guys seemed a lot more laid back. It might just depend on the church though. I hope you are having better luck now. There will always be someone who accepts you for who you are and if not, they do not deserve your time of day.

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There was one girl we had a good time together and could have gotten married straight away; we liked each other.  I was too fucked up to have a family though, and I was mean letting her go.  She deserved better.  I was the evil kind of christian.

 

I asked a few girls out and no one would go near me, it was literally hell.  Memories to cringe to.  There was one woman who picked me up in church, but she probably just said she was a christian to appear cute, which she did.  It was like dating in absolutes, black or white.  All I really wanted was just to fuck her brains out continuously.  Hello blue abstinence.

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I did. With one exception, nobody from my three years as a visitor in xtianity gave me the time of day, dating wise. The exception turned out to have a lot of issues to deal with, and he was pretty much married to his career. On top of that, he was rather snooty and a homophobe to boot. Could never quite look me in the eye. He was passing through town, and let's just say that once was enough. I sat in on a couple of the young adult group get togethers, and both times they pretty much ignored me after nosing around to find out how "worthy" i was of their acceptance. I tried a xtian dating site, and that place was Paradise City for creeps. One guy i PM'd regularly from there couldn't get away from me fast enough when i told him i no longer believed.

 

In hindsight, i think i dodged a bullet. I'm guessing the reasons why nobody wanted me was b/c i wasn't xtian, wasn't born into any religion, didn't come from THEIR idea of a family, wasn't wealthy, spoiled and privileged like they were, and i was too street smart for them. Fine with me. If that's the way they're gonna be, then fuck 'em.

You weren't a christian?

It could be.  As a christian I wouldn't have knowingly dated a non-christian.

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Yes it took a while for me to get out of the Christian gender roles and find something that actually worked.  The whole time I felt like I was backsliding and sinning for having natural instincts.  Christianity messes people up regarding dating.  Lots of people showed an interest in me during my teens but I refused to act on that because it was sinful.  What rubbish!  

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Yep, I was a virgin until I was 30.  I never had a date or kissed a girl as a Christian.  I was in an evangelical/charismatic church (about the same time period as the OP) that did an extreme mind-fuck on us about sex (well, not just sex...most of my friends were homeschooled and we were also taught higher education was something worldly to be frowned upon...).  Many of my friends quickly married as virgins when they had "confirmation" that the person they were attracted to was the person they should be with, and several of my friends had their first kiss at the altar.  This ideal was actively encouraged, and couples in "courtship" (there was no casual dating just to see if you were a match) were discouraged from ANY physical contact...even holding hands!  

 

We were taught being single for god was the highest of callings and I had convinced myself that I had a "special" call and should be one of those who gave up marriage to serve Jeebus.  Meanwhile, I was obsessed with sex and a bit addicted to pornography from the time I could get my hands on it when I was 18.  I had masturbatory fantasies about nearly every woman in church, yet kept EVERY female at arm's length because i was terrified by my overpowering "sinful nature."  I put on about 50 pounds, which I now realize was a subconscious form of self-sabotage, to keep myself unattractive and lower the possibilities of temptation.  Sigh.

 

At 30 the shackles of my "faith" fell off,  I lost the 50 pounds, discovered dating and sex, and went through a period of mourning for the lost years of my youth.  Fortunately, I didn't marry at 19 or 20 like many of my naive, horny friends...most of whom are now divorced or worse.  Many are trapped in HORRIFIC mind-fucked marriages with a large number of children they would not have chosen to have without the encouragement of the church.  So there is that to be thankful for!

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 Fortunately, I didn't marry at 19 or 20 like many of my naive, horny friends...most of whom are now divorced or worse.  Many are trapped in HORRIFIC mind-fucked marriages with a large number of children they would not have chosen to have without the encouragement of the church.  So there is that to be thankful for!

I'm a bit younger than you but I've seen this happening slightly earlier along the line with some of my Christian friends and it's so easy to imagine them ending up like that. And it's all because they've been taught 'well, if you're interested in a girl marry her'. Which doesn't make sense, this is your whole life, it's worth taking a bit of time to make sure you're marrying the right girl and not just the first that comes along, especially since GOD HATES DIVORCE D:

 

Even as a Christian I didn't feel that was the best course of action, which resulted in me seeking my fun outside the church. And probably making me all the more terrifying to the Christian boys since I wasn't interested in presenting myself as 'marriage material'.

(Not saying I slutted it up at church... well... only by hyper 'women should be encased in lead boxes and not look at a man' standards)

 

As for the whole wanking thing, I actually went to a Sunday group that taught it was okay (as long as your thoughts weren't impure or something) but before they went through that I was surprised to find all the males being all 'Nooo, it's so SINFUL' (of course the females said nothing because we don't have bits). I think I would've found it a bit hard (lol no pun intended) dating someone who hadn't even explored what their bits were supposed to do for themselves!

 

Also in my bible study group we always used to split into males and females to pray, which didn't make sense to meee, I wanted to pray for the males too and share their problems! It probably just compounded the 'males/females are a different species' thinking.

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I did. With one exception, nobody from my three years as a visitor in xtianity gave me the time of day, dating wise. The exception turned out to have a lot of issues to deal with, and he was pretty much married to his career. On top of that, he was rather snooty and a homophobe to boot. Could never quite look me in the eye. He was passing through town, and let's just say that once was enough. I sat in on a couple of the young adult group get togethers, and both times they pretty much ignored me after nosing around to find out how "worthy" i was of their acceptance. I tried a xtian dating site, and that place was Paradise City for creeps. One guy i PM'd regularly from there couldn't get away from me fast enough when i told him i no longer believed.

 

In hindsight, i think i dodged a bullet. I'm guessing the reasons why nobody wanted me was b/c i wasn't xtian, wasn't born into any religion, didn't come from THEIR idea of a family, wasn't wealthy, spoiled and privileged like they were, and i was too street smart for them. Fine with me. If that's the way they're gonna be, then fuck 'em.

You weren't a christian?

It could be.  As a christian I wouldn't have knowingly dated a non-christian.

 

 

Nope. Never baptized, never part of any church growing up. I only tagged along and sat in on things during the past few years i was church hopping, pretty much along for the ride. I was even gonna join the last church i was showing up at, but i backed out in the nick of time after the last straw. Even when i mentioned i was gonna join this church to guys during those last few months, it was never enough for them. I was never gullible or sheltered enough for them either. Oh well. It doesn't matter anymore. Those chauvinist assholes aren't the only guys in this world.

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Yes, my church screwed me up pretty bad. It took finding out I've got a terminal illness to snap me out of it. I was celibate for more than thirty years and had issues talking with women. I had no idea how to flirt or approach a woman. It was horrible. Then death knocked me over the head and it wasn't so scary anymore. Go figure.

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Yep, I was a virgin until I was 30.  I never had a date or kissed a girl as a Christian.  I was in an evangelical/charismatic church (about the same time period as the OP) that did an extreme mind-fuck on us about sex (well, not just sex...most of my friends were homeschooled and we were also taught higher education was something worldly to be frowned upon...).  Many of my friends quickly married as virgins when they had "confirmation" that the person they were attracted to was the person they should be with, and several of my friends had their first kiss at the altar.  This ideal was actively encouraged, and couples in "courtship" (there was no casual dating just to see if you were a match) were discouraged from ANY physical contact...even holding hands!  

 

We were taught being single for god was the highest of callings and I had convinced myself that I had a "special" call and should be one of those who gave up marriage to serve Jeebus.  Meanwhile, I was obsessed with sex and a bit addicted to pornography from the time I could get my hands on it when I was 18.  I had masturbatory fantasies about nearly every woman in church, yet kept EVERY female at arm's length because i was terrified by my overpowering "sinful nature."  I put on about 50 pounds, which I now realize was a subconscious form of self-sabotage, to keep myself unattractive and lower the possibilities of temptation.  Sigh.

 

At 30 the shackles of my "faith" fell off,  I lost the 50 pounds, discovered dating and sex, and went through a period of mourning for the lost years of my youth.  Fortunately, I didn't marry at 19 or 20 like many of my naive, horny friends...most of whom are now divorced or worse.  Many are trapped in HORRIFIC mind-fucked marriages with a large number of children they would not have chosen to have without the encouragement of the church.  So there is that to be thankful for!

Yeah I am going thru that period of mourning just now.I feel robbed by the lies and crap i bought in to.

I often wonder about all the young marrieds,some of whom looked astoundingly ill matched and wonder what shape their marraiges are in now.I married a fucked up christian woman but got out of it after two yrs,bout the same time as my deconversion.

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I found it impossible. If I didn't date, I'd get told that its not good for man to be alone. If I dated, I'd get accused of making my girlfriend an idol before the lord. 

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I had a very similar experience of xtian dating in the 90s as the OP. The large church I attended was generally OK with people dating, but there was the implied expectation that marriage would then be imminent. However, I did attend a mid week students' bible study group that was very much into segregation of the sexes. The official line was that the opposite sex would distract us from our devotion to bible study. This of course back fired as we spent at least 50% of the time talking about the women in the group and which one we would like to date in a strictly xtian way. After the bible study, we would attempt to talk to these girls, but if you were not from the same wealthy, spoiled and privileged class that they were from, you were doomed to celibacy... 

The women appeared to wanted some kind of xtian superman who would have loads of cash, be middle classed and be willing to go on mission trips to goodness knows where. 

 

 

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I wish I had more time to spend on this but I need to pack for the long weekend.    I was involved in this same time frame.  In my opinion it is a bunch of factors that leads to insecurity and confusion.  

 

In the last church I was in there were a bunch of basically decent eligible single people of both sexes and very little was going on for dating.   It pains me today when I look back at this.   Don't tell me religion is harmless.  

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YES. The pressure was immense to wait for 'the one' that God hand-picked for you. Everyone found their God designated partner and I went to wedding after wedding. It was prophesied that I would know "the one", that marriage would not pass me by, that it wouldn't be for "awhile"...My patience with the game began to dwindle around the ripe old age of 27. The Christian guys I got with to try force God's hand were, well, jerks. I am now happily with a kind, caring, attentive...atheist. Almost an answer to my mother's prayers. She does not understand why God would send a great non-Christian guy in my life, but God works in mysterious ways. This brings up a whole other set of issues :-P

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In my church the only time you "dated" was when you were serious about the relationship and had the intention to marry the person should everything go well. Other than that, if you want to get to know a girl, then you can be friends and see each other at church events, youth events, group get-togethers, etc.

 

Often times people in the church got married for the wrong reasons, or got married too young before they really knew what they wanted.

 

Men were strongly encouraged to become pastors, and the women to become pastor's wives. And the younger you marry, the better. Girl grows up with this brainwashing and marries a guy...any guy, as long as he's "gonna be a pastor", but for some reason his dream to pastor never gets fulfilled, or his church never takes off. Now her dreams are crushed and she's married to a regular joe in the church. Her choice is to put up with him the rest of her life since divorce is a sin, or commit social suicide by divorcing him and leaving the church. Not an easy choice for those indoctrinated.

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