Missionary dating

[godlessgrrl]

The heartbreak thread over in the off-topic forum got me thinking about something, and that's missionary dating.

 

I consider myself a victim/survivor of missionary dating. Essentially that's what FundieBoy was doing with me - looking to convert me so I'd be doctrinally sound and safe to fuck. (Can't be fuckin' unbelievers, now - gotta make 'em godly first!)

 

Thing that annoys me is - I've been looking around to find out info on the issue, mainly to see what it's like to be on the receiving end of it, and y'know what? I've found an assload of sites and articles about how missionary dating is bad for the Xian who's doing it, but fuckall about how painful it is for the person they're doing it to.

 

What the fuck is that??

 

I find all this crap for Xians about "don't do missionary dating because it's bad for you spiritually", and nada about "don't do missionary dating because it's dishonest and cruel for the person you're doing it to." The best I've ever found is a single site here that says anything at all about how manipulative and deceptive the practice is.

 

Somehow that just pisses me off. Enough that maybe I'll start a site or blog about it.

[♦ nivek ♦]

gwen...

 

As a semi per-fessional pro-vert, always figured that *dating* was a way for interested parties to meet and agree on what would constitute *fair exchange* for services/etc..

 

Not saying that dating is a way for horndawgz to get laid, but a way to see if the parties will be able to stand each others company in the morning..

 

Always had a great time with religious girls and Hereafter my old hawg.

 

If the drink and chemicals along with the nice "buzzy ride" didn't loosen her panties, then she was bound for glory hymen intact. Will admit had a great time "cherry picking" the religious girls. They seemed to love taking on a huge bearded leather clad monster "in da name oveDalarde!".

 

Dunno if these little sheltered ladies have a frackin' clue as to what they are gettin' into, but I can tell you from first hand experience, nothing they learned in church prepares them for hormonal surge and overdrive..

 

Armor of GohWd aint'a good enough when they get out as a young adult, mom and dad aren't around to keep tabs on them.

 

Guess it is a simple way to say that even the most religious kids find some way to get off sexually eventually. My time was well spent reverse engineering the "missionary dating" to "anything but missionary"..

 

k, dirty_old_man, L

[MQTA]

WTF? THAT's what missionary dating is? How come we don't hear of anyone getting beat for doing that?

 

That would be like going out with a transsexual and not knowing that up front.

[Nihil]

C'mon, Gwen, you don't expect them to worry more about a non-xian than a xian, do you?

[Lycorth]

http://www.datetosave.com/index.shtml

 

[Guest isis]

Missionary dating doesn't that not take me back. I remember it was so well known in my youth group we called in FTC. Flirt to convert. Talk about f#cked up. Your research is definately right on the money. FTC was thought as bad for the practicers soul but never harmfully to the non-believer.

 

I think the reason for this is that xtainy considers non-believers to be sub-human. In church I used to always remember hearing how you are a new creature after being saved. You also were told you had jumped up to the next spirtual plane and you would get a nice new fancy holy body when you kicked. Bull..if you are any new creature you are a brain washed zombie--BRAINS I WANT BRAINS...

 

I get sick just thinking about it. To think we actually debated the ethics of playing with someone's heart. Why do people follow this? To pretend to be so good but actually be so evil..talk about tools of the devil. I never have heard of a free thinker doing this.. :angry:

[godlessgrrl]

C'mon, Gwen, you don't expect them to worry more about a non-xian than a xian, do you?

 

Heh. Decidedly not.

 

Although I'll admit that I was pretty naive about that with FundieBoy. Not anymore, though. I got the message loud and clear.

 

I think your comment about non-believers being sub-human to xians is right on the money, Isis.

[Amethyst]

I think the reason for this is that xtainy considers non-believers to be sub-human.

 

Only fundy Christians. I have friends who are liberals who do not treat me or other people that way.

[♦ nivek ♦]

However... Xtinas are "fair game" for we subhumans..

 

If yer so goddamn dumb thatcha don't know that "dating' is negotiation for activities of an adult kind, yer too goddamn dumb to add to the gene pool..

 

That or the fundie parents were too stoooooopid to teach kids the difference.

 

Will say that "religious kids" want to get laid as much as any "non".. (this researched over years of semi-scientific studies)

 

k, sasquatch, jr, L

[Taphophilia]

Missionary dating, Flirt to convert?!? WTF! It reminds me of the Family of God/Family International's Flirty Fishing where they sent out women (married or not) as prostitutes for god to "hook" new converts.

 

Gwen,

I am so sorry to hear this. This is not right! Sounds like Fundyboy played a big mindfuck with you.

As I always say: Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

At the very least you learned a lesson, and you can tell the next Fundyboy to go fuck himself and the god he rode in on.

 

Taph

[godlessgrrl]

At the very least you learned a lesson, and you can tell the next Fundyboy to go fuck himself and the god he rode in on.

 

Thanks for the condolences. Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, I learned stuff the hard way - which for stubborn, somewhat thick-headed people like me is often the best way.

 

I've been thinking a bit about what you've posted here too, nivek, and I'm not sure it applies so much with FundieBoy, at least not in the same way.

 

I think he knew exactly what the dating game was for and where it was supposed to lead. Problem was that he preferred to get his jollies with porn.

 

Not really a bad thing in and of itself, just that with him I think it was pathological: he couldn't get off any other way. He was so into porn that he couldn't really relate to a Real Woman ™. Kind of like he was stuck permanently in adolescence, that stage where a lot of guys have a porn mag in one hand and their dick in another. And of course his religion had told him that sex was Bad and Wrong anyway, so he was screwed no matter what he did.

 

Eh, it was just weird. Again it isn't an argument against porn per se, only a note that in this instance there was something unhealthy about the way he used it - which was part of his overall unhealthy attitude towards sex. I mean hell, the guy was over 30 when I started seeing him, and was still a virgin. Why that wasn't a Big Red Flag itself, I'll never know...

 

Ah, well, live and learn. I think really the whole thing with him was just a big psycho dehumanization of me and any other woman on the planet he could even remotely think about fucking. Things to fuck were just holes, not people. I didn't act at all like the slick mags he hid under his matress: I had needs, I talked back, I said "no" when I wanted to, I didn't put up with his shit. He didn't like that. It became clear to me in time was that he really did want a completely submissive, obedient woman, to do what he wanted, when he wanted, without him having to ask. I think he wanted someone doctrinally sound, who would always consider his needs before her own. In fact I think the reality that I had needs was something he really resented.

 

In all the healthy relationships I've been in, part of it is you help each other meet your needs. And if you can't, you say "I can't".

 

Eh, it does really rile me. Heh, obviously! Just the utter selfishness of it, the utter self-absorption of his whole attitude, this whole "me me me me me" thing, the "I'm the shit because god says so" thing. Male privilege, female subservience, non-xians not being fully human... what a fucking dickweed. My favorite part was being blamed for his lying to me. Fits in with the whole thing about "women make men sin".

 

Anyway I'm with ya Taph - I really really wish that FundieBoys would just fuck themselves, and consequently remove themselves from the gene pool permanently. No worries about gettin' stuck with another one tho' - I married a Wiccan, and I'm his Goddess. Woo!

[Taphophilia]

Gwen,

 

That's great you found a good man who respects you and respects women! At least now that you've kissed a lot of frogs, you know when you've found a prince.

 

Taph

[Sofia]

gwen...

 

As a semi per-fessional pro-vert, always figured that *dating* was a way for interested parties to meet and agree on what would constitute *fair exchange* for services/etc..

 

Not saying that dating is a way for horndawgz to get laid, but a way to see if the parties will be able to stand each others company in the morning..

 

Always had a great time with religious girls and Hereafter my old hawg.

 

If the drink and chemicals along with the nice "buzzy ride" didn't loosen her panties, then she was bound for glory hymen intact. Will admit had a great time "cherry picking" the religious girls.........

 

k, dirty_old_man, L

 

I laughed so hard through that whole post.

 

 

Are you serious?

[♦ nivek ♦]

..snipped

 

 

 

I laughed so hard through that whole post.

 

 

Are you serious?

 

As your next heart attack... "Religious" kids are easy picking for those inclined to want to play those kinda games.

 

kL

[Nihil]

Well, seems nobody has made the joke yet, so here goes.

 

The words "missonary" and "dating" shouldn't be in the same sentence, without also including the word "position".

 

BTW.... What's wrong with being 30 and a virgin?

[godlessgrrl]

BTW.... What's wrong with being 30 and a virgin?

 

Nothing, if it doesn't stem from a pathlogical, subverted fear of sex and women.

 

If it'd been "I'm a virgin because it just isn't time" that would've been one thing. This was more like "I'm a virgin because I've been taught sex is bad, and women make me feel like I want to have sex so women are bad, and anyway I'd rather relate to porn than to a real person anyway because people are scary".

 

Thing is, even if he'd been honest about his reasons, that would've been fine too.

 

Love the joke, btw. I'm surprised nobody thought of that before.

[Dianka]

Love the joke, btw. I'm surprised nobody thought of that before.

 

Oh, I have thought about it

 

That's all I think about when someone say the word missionary....maybe I have been an ex-c for too long

[quicksand]

I've been through this, kinda. I dated a fundie when I lived out in the burbs of Chicago -McHenry/Crystal Lake area. I was decidely an atheist and definitly not a christian in any event, but the gal I worked with for some reason we found each other attractive. So we started dating, even though we would have fierce drop-down drag-out arguments over her religion. She came from a fundementalist family, very fundie. Her dedication and her thinking was so natural for her that when I said to her, hey! your a fundementalist, she wrinkled her nose and shrugged like she never heard that term before. And, I believe that she didn't.

 

Anyway, she tried over and over and over to "save" me. She would drop hints here and there, like playing some god-awful christian faux-agnst band akin to those horrible prog rock bands. I like death metal dammit. Seriously, how can church music be angry? Well, she kept it up and I broke up with her when even the little bit of fooling around was now going to be off limits.

 

Sorry, but I like to play.

 

She was wierd in a lot of ways, and also anti-semetic too. She made some comments that made me at times roll my eyes or blow up in her face over. Her worldview was completely fucked. All money was God's money. All Love was God's love, basically arguing that she really didn't love people. All people are basically evil. Jews are cheap people. Etc, etc, etc, etc.

 

It was an interesting time in my life dating her for those threee months.

[Vixentrox]

Can always turn it back on them and call it Freethinker dating. Or, you could just pretend to go along with thier missionary deal for sex if your shallow.

[Dianka]

Can always turn it back on them and call it Freethinker dating. Or, you could just pretend to go along with thier missionary deal for sex if your shallow.

 

I suppose it works for some, I think I would find it horribly annoying and difficult to deal with. I had an argument with the evil ex - he said he was going to Heaven because he was saved, ok dude. I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with someone who was rallly not religious but pretnding to be because they would be on the safe side. Stick your head up your ass and chew, boy.

[Caretaker]

It was an interesting time in my life dating her for those threee months.

 

 

Are you a glutton for punishment???

[quicksand]

Are you a glutton for punishment???

Nah, was a tad wee bit lonely (she was my only friend out there) and she had a great butt too.

 

I think it was more punishment for her actually. She wanted me. LOL

[nirrti]

Can't say I've been a victim of "missionary dating" but I've had a "boyfriend" stolen from me by an ex-nun (don't ask) who thought it was her mission to save him so he could be romance material for her. I had been with my then-boyfriend for a year, at least I thought he was my BF. I should've known, otherwise when he hardly ever took me anywhere saying he had an "image to uphold" since I was 20 and he was 40. Of course, I wasn't too young for him to romp around in bed with.

 

He also refused to give me gifts since he said it would make me "too attached" to him nor would he hold hands or kiss in public...not that we were in "public" that much. Boy to be young and needy....... Anyway, as soon as the flying nun came around, all the things he wouldn't do for me, he jumped through hoops to do for her. However, since he hadn't stepped inside a church in 20 years, a makeover courtesy of her was in order. He then started going to church with her, reading the Bible and even considered becoming a priest since Orthodox priests could marry unlike Roman Catholics. I was so happy about his conversion, me being a Christian at the time and I foolishly thought I would finally have a boyfriend who treated me better now that he was a Christian.

 

But come to find out that flying nun not only led him to Christ but apparently led him to her arms as well. He then confessed that all he ever wanted me around for was sex and since he couldn't have sex anymore now that he was serving tha Lawd, I was out.....just like that. My tears led him to apologize yet he didn't even have the decency to give me a ride back to the university campus, which I rode all the way on the stinky bus from. So here I was, in tears, standing out in 30 degree weather at the bus stop right next to his freakin' shop (he was a carpenter). I had a math test that day and couldn't bring myself to go to class and just dropped that course for the rest of the semester since I would've flunked anyway.

 

Yeah, fuckin' right. Christian love my ass!

[Evelyn]

Wow, Nirrti, I think you should be glad to be rid of that guy! The flying nun did you a favor.

 

Have you ever heard the song, "I'm Not In Love", by the group 10cc? Here are some of the lyrics:

 

I'm not in love

So don't forget it

It's just a silly phase I'm going through

And just because

I call you up

Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made

I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

 

I like to see you

But then again

That doesn't mean you mean that much to me

So if I call you

Don't make a fuss

Don't tell your friends about the two of us

I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

 

 

 

Seems to describe him. It describes a "boyfriend" I had in high school. I was crazy about him for years. We went steady for only one week. He had lots of "friends who were girls" (plus he was interested in boys, too), so he wasn't really good boyfriend material. I didn't want to believe that at the time. I still get angry when I hear the song.

 

So, my advice is, be glad you that guy is gone because he was not good for you. I hope you find a guy who is. Think about it - you now know how you *don't* want to be treated.

[godlessgrrl]

Dang, Evelyn, I hear that. Your lyrics remind me also of Barenaked Ladies' "Break Your Heart". Both of which pretty much sum up the argument that FundieBoy made about why he strung me along for so long. (Jerk.)

 

I can't say how anybody else feels about being rid of crappy exes but I sure know I'm way better off without FB. He was a dick and if we'd stayed together I'm pretty sure being with him wouldn't have improved the quality of my life in the long run.

 

I never would've measured up to what he wanted in a woman. I don't think anybody ever will, honestly. Eh, and I'm just not into trying to be what sick people want anymore. F that.