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My Christian Walk - Why I Feel Stuck


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Hi Folks,

 

When I became a Christian 5 years ago I always had a belief in God.  That is because I was taken to Church every week by my Grand Parents so I went to Sunday School but I never really 'Got' It and what it was all about but I did enjoy hanging out with people.

 

When I became a Christian 5 years ago I experienced the High - I felt on fire for God and wanted to learn more of his ways.  I even went on a Missionary Trip to Romania to teach others about God.

 

Then 2013 Happened.

 

I heard people speculate on St Malachy's Prophesy that the next Pope when revealed would signal the end of the world.  This got me into an awful state!  At this time I was a Christian but one thing got to me deep down.

 

When I was a Christian in my second year I read Matthew 12 and I encountered the 'Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit' - This literally frightened the shit out of me.  The second I tried not to think about what that could be I said 'F*** the Holy Spirit' in my head I felt hopeless and became like many other Christians trawling through pages of Apologetics hoping to find the Right answer.  Eventually University got in the way of my life so it pottered off and Life resumed to normality.

 

Well back to 2013 I never had a Problem with my Christianity however at times I felt I was the 'Bad Fruit' - When I heard about the St Malachy's prophesy I got really anxious and depressed I thought if I committed the Blasphemy even in my head I would be 'Left Behind' at the Rapture.  What a horrible thought.

 

What was even more horrible is the thought that there would be friends and family left behind.  Not because they were with me but the fact that I knew by helping them they could still goto heaven if they died while knowing all along I was excluded for the Blasphemy.

 

This put me into the deepest depression I had ever had.  

 

Then I went to the Doc they gave me anti anxiety pills - The Pope didn't end the world there and then so my fear and worry went away... FOR A WHILE.

 

During my depressive state and the blasphemy stuff I was looking up and reading about it,  People told me that it was Satan and Demons convincing me I had done it,  Others said that the Holy Spirit is convicting me of the Sin?

 

With these thoughts in my head I said muttering to myself is it possible that the Holy Spirit is like a D****?  So I went and researched what a Demon actually is and I found it said Unclean Spirit.  So I thought by me muttering that I have condemned myself.  I am a Computer Programmer when I said Demon the thought I had was 'Demon Tools' basiclly it controls your CD Drive so I thought that the Holy Spirit 'Controlled' People hence why I said one would be like another.

 

That put me really down - Imagine reading everything from aplogsts and people saying that its speaking a word against the Holy Spirit.  Imagine people saying that calling the Holy Spirit a Demon or Satan is committing it.

 

I got into a big problem because I used the word 'Like' I would never as a Christian have implied they were the same only that they had one Characteristic that could be common to both.

 

So for 4 months now that's been tormenting me!,  It was something that cannot be proved either way because I needed literal evidence,  In my heart I said I didn't do it / Christians said I didn't do it but for some reason I feel deep down I did do it. -  I prayed to God and asked for peace but none was found!

 

Then I had a thought - Stop Believing!

 

For the last 4 weeks thats exactly what ive started doing!  Yeah the issues and problems are still there and yeah I worry but they are becoming less problematic as I read and learn more about the problems of Scripture.

 

Tonight I have read to Genesis 24 and I have 116 Questions and problems regarding it and I have already found afew contridictions.  One thing I have learned is Abraham is a Dick and very deceptive oh and that God shows favouritism to people time and time again and to every one else they get shit befall on them.

 

My question here is when does the penny Drop?! 

 

I know Noah is based on Mythology - But Genesis does not disprove Gods existance it mearly proves he was a Dick!

 

Are my in the right direction here or are my barking up the wrong tree?

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I think your post is a wonderful example of how this insidious religion messes with people's minds.

That's not intended to insult you because it's messed with all of our minds at one time.

It shows how acquired beliefs can take over a person and dominate their very existence.

When one considers that these beliefs are little more than the opinions of others, passed down by authority figures,

there remains very little to actually trust as representing reality.

I think you've got the right idea, which is to get away from this religion, stand back, and ask yourself "why do I believe what I was told?"

This absurd blood cult religion has held people in a death grip for centuries, offering to explain reality using two tools, fear and the expectation of a big reward for following orders.

That's the recipe for slavery, not liberation.

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ChristianGuy1000, two questions:

 

(1) What do you believe when you are feeling Christian? It might be easier for people to give you advice if they know what type of Christian you are. For example, are you a Catholic, fundamentalist Protestant, or something else? When you said you "got it" about Christianity 5 years ago, what do you mean? Did you have a conversion experience or something?

 

(2) Have you been to a psychiatrist? Worrying about the unforgivable sin for months and fussing with all these details sounds like a mental illness. I don't think deconverting is the solution to your worries, because you might find something new to worry about outside Christianity.

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Sounds kind of like another case of Scrupulosity. If it is, join the club-- ranked fifth most common form of OCD, devout believers of all religions are especially prone to this.  http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/scrupulosity-blackmailed-by-ocd-in-the-name-of-god    

 

directionless has some great advice about considering seeking out counseling. If this is the case, converting or deconverting is not going to help you long-term. 

 

Me and quite a few others here have had to deal with it, are currently dealing with it, or have had some experience with it. It can be successfully dealt with and just needs time.  Even if it is not this (because I am *not* a psychiatrist and this is the internet so obviously I am speculating), you might still want to seek out a counselor just to help out as you seem stressed over it and therapy is great, it's great to learn new ways to think. 

 

The Bible will not prove or disprove God's existence no matter how long or how much study it. Look at all the people who have dedicated their lives to it and come out with different views regarding it. 

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My question here is when does the penny Drop?! 

 

I know Noah is based on Mythology - But Genesis does not disprove Gods existance it mearly proves he was a Dick!

 

Are my in the right direction here or are my barking up the wrong tree?

 

Just like the Harry Potter movies and books do not prove that Harry Potter is not real.

 

I'm not sure that you are going to be helped by a proof of hard atheism.  I suspect that your hold up is emotional.  I've been there.  I remember what it was like when I had emotional hold ups.  Emotions are immune to logic.  Try comedy.  It really worked for me.  Now days I cannot take any religion seriously, except for the criminal elements in religion.

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did u try to disbelief because you supposedly blaspheme against the spirit?

 

if the bible is crap, all it contains is mainly crap,,,,, and crap sometimes, and not all the times, can be good manure as fertilisers,,,, other than that,,,, it is just shit,,,,,

 

using shit to prove shit is just too shitty

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Hi Christian Guy,

 

it looks like you've taken the first bold step to escaping the nonsense that we have all escaped. Keep asking the difficult questions.

 

3 things finished my faith after reading the Bible - inconsistencies, immorality and incredulity.

 

I recommend a few things for deconversion - assuming that's where you're going - Skeptics Annotated Bible website, The Atheist Experience and clips of Christopher Hitchens on Youtube.com.

 

You'll be free of the delusion in no time.

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Try to put aside your fears for a couple hours. Pretend you're invincible, then read the wholly babble. If you can do this you'll see what utter nonsense it is.

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The Bible doesn't prove or disprove anything. It's mythology.

 

Bingo... this guy that posts these seems to be trying to play some subtle game here posting this kind of crap trying to get people to agree with some aspect of his seemingly well thought out post which seems to be a disguise for a challenge to prove god doesn't exists.

 

 

Hey buddy he isn't there and your entire post each time you post this sort of nonsense is not helping you personally.

 

 

You can challenge every aspect of christianity as single topics or just sort of balloon it together and finally accept it is a lie and total trough of horse soup.

 

 

How does a diety speaking the univese into existence seem less far fetched that a scientific process happening over time that is virtually provable where as their is still zero% evidence any god has ever had a hand in anything?

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Hey Thinker,

 

I am just so confused - I feel so guilty by that Sin and its lets face it something that cannot be proven or Dis-proven so after praying when I was a Christian and getting ZERO help from God I decided well if he is real then he is a dick for letting me suffer.

 

At that point I'm now on a Cruisade to undo the damage he has done in my life.  He put me into a depression / made me worry and gave me no peace.  Sure we can say it was demons and shit but lets face it - A God who is so powerful should have helped me before it was too late.

 

If a God does exist he knows where I am - I asked him for proof if he doesent give me it then on the last day its HIS FAULT for me not believing!

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I feel so guilty by that Sin and its lets face it something that cannot be proven or Dis-proven...

 

There is no need to DISprove any extraordinary claim. The burden of proof is on the one making the claim. BTW, they have no proof. Case closed.

 

Every journey out of that mind-numbing, psychosis-inducing cult is different. You will find your way. Don't get discouraged; reality is on your side.

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Hey Thinker,

 

I am just so confused - I feel so guilty by that Sin and its lets face it something that cannot be proven or Dis-proven so after praying when I was a Christian and getting ZERO help from God I decided well if he is real then he is a dick for letting me suffer.

 

At that point I'm now on a Cruisade to undo the damage he has done in my life.  He put me into a depression / made me worry and gave me no peace.  Sure we can say it was demons and shit but lets face it - A God who is so powerful should have helped me before it was too late.

 

If a God does exist he knows where I am - I asked him for proof if he doesent give me it then on the last day its HIS FAULT for me not believing!

The God of the Bible is either evil, mad or non-existant. The last one is the most likely. I recommend you stop beating yourself up about this. There's probably no one there to receive your bad feelings. You're just hurting yourself. Peace.

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Hi Folks,

 

When I became a Christian 5 years ago I always had a belief in God.  That is because I was taken to Church every week by my Grand Parents so I went to Sunday School but I never really 'Got' It and what it was all about but I did enjoy hanging out with people.

 

When I became a Christian 5 years ago I experienced the High - I felt on fire for God and wanted to learn more of his ways.  I even went on a Missionary Trip to Romania to teach others about God.

 

Then 2013 Happened.

 

I heard people speculate on St Malachy's Prophesy that the next Pope when revealed would signal the end of the world.  This got me into an awful state!  At this time I was a Christian but one thing got to me deep down.

 

When I was a Christian in my second year I read Matthew 12 and I encountered the 'Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit' - This literally frightened the shit out of me.  The second I tried not to think about what that could be I said 'F*** the Holy Spirit' in my head I felt hopeless and became like many other Christians trawling through pages of Apologetics hoping to find the Right answer.  Eventually University got in the way of my life so it pottered off and Life resumed to normality.

 

Well back to 2013 I never had a Problem with my Christianity however at times I felt I was the 'Bad Fruit' - When I heard about the St Malachy's prophesy I got really anxious and depressed I thought if I committed the Blasphemy even in my head I would be 'Left Behind' at the Rapture.  What a horrible thought.

 

What was even more horrible is the thought that there would be friends and family left behind.  Not because they were with me but the fact that I knew by helping them they could still goto heaven if they died while knowing all along I was excluded for the Blasphemy.

 

This put me into the deepest depression I had ever had.  

 

Then I went to the Doc they gave me anti anxiety pills - The Pope didn't end the world there and then so my fear and worry went away... FOR A WHILE.

 

During my depressive state and the blasphemy stuff I was looking up and reading about it,  People told me that it was Satan and Demons convincing me I had done it,  Others said that the Holy Spirit is convicting me of the Sin?

 

With these thoughts in my head I said muttering to myself is it possible that the Holy Spirit is like a D****?  So I went and researched what a Demon actually is and I found it said Unclean Spirit.  So I thought by me muttering that I have condemned myself.  I am a Computer Programmer when I said Demon the thought I had was 'Demon Tools' basiclly it controls your CD Drive so I thought that the Holy Spirit 'Controlled' People hence why I said one would be like another.

 

That put me really down - Imagine reading everything from aplogsts and people saying that its speaking a word against the Holy Spirit.  Imagine people saying that calling the Holy Spirit a Demon or Satan is committing it.

 

I got into a big problem because I used the word 'Like' I would never as a Christian have implied they were the same only that they had one Characteristic that could be common to both.

 

So for 4 months now that's been tormenting me!,  It was something that cannot be proved either way because I needed literal evidence,  In my heart I said I didn't do it / Christians said I didn't do it but for some reason I feel deep down I did do it. -  I prayed to God and asked for peace but none was found!

 

Then I had a thought - Stop Believing!

 

For the last 4 weeks thats exactly what ive started doing!  Yeah the issues and problems are still there and yeah I worry but they are becoming less problematic as I read and learn more about the problems of Scripture.

 

Tonight I have read to Genesis 24 and I have 116 Questions and problems regarding it and I have already found afew contridictions.  One thing I have learned is Abraham is a Dick and very deceptive oh and that God shows favouritism to people time and time again and to every one else they get shit befall on them.

 

My question here is when does the penny Drop?! 

 

I know Noah is based on Mythology - But Genesis does not disprove Gods existance it mearly proves he was a Dick!

 

Are my in the right direction here or are my barking up the wrong tree?

You have been asking good basic questions.  But you seem impatient.  Moreover, you have disclosed that your brain chemistry may be abnormal.

 

Accordingly, perhaps you should slow down, take it easy, plan your future and work that plan.

 

To that end, here are some suggestions:

 

1)  Inventory the reasons for and causes of your religious belief.  It appears you were indoctrinated as a youth and now have certain peer pressure to conform to that indoctrination.  Those are usually strong factors that need to be addressed.

 

2)  You seem to have missed learning much about Logic 101, comparative religion and rational thinking.  Take the time to do so.  Most folks find that study in these areas (i) takes your mind off of the indoctrinated religion and (ii) trains your brain to function better.

 

3)  Meet with the mental health professional of your choice and explore your mental health, including remedial measures which might be undertaken to adjust your brain chemistry and function.

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My question here is when does the penny Drop?! 

 

 

It doesn't. This is a long, slow, organic process called "life," not a magic moment when all becomes perfectly clear forever and ever.

 

I've been following your journey avidly here, ChristianGuy, because, as I've mentioned before, we have several key experiences in common, and I know to some degree how you're feeling about some things. You are smart, inquisitive, and need answers. You also appear to be struggling with depression and anxiety. It's going to be very hard for you to slow down, stop fighting, and just nurture yourself as a valuable human being for a while, but it is essential that you do so, okay? For now, don't try to answer all the questions. Don't try to become something different all at once. You've got a lot on your plate. Concentrate on finding some support and some therapy to deal with the anxiety and depression. That's where you need to build a strong foundation, so you can deal with all the rest. You can't remodel the house without shoring up the foundation first. "A wise man builds his house upon a rock," remember? That rock is your mental health and well-being. beer.gif

 

IM me if you need to, too. 

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I know Noah is based on Mythology - But Genesis does not disprove Gods existance it mearly proves he was a Dick!

Like others said, the bible cannot (dis)prove god, but it can disprove its one authority. it is said to be divinely inspired, but why would god let his book be full of contradictions,copied stories and rules and topics that are just culture and time related? if you understand that the bible is a product of men (written,edited and translated by men) with individual  goals the question if the christian god exists is irrelevant, because without the bible we know nothing about this god, since we cant reconstruct his true message. and since he doesnt reach out to us, he either doesn't exist or doesn't care.

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Back to basics: The bible can be considered the word of god only if you believe what some humans say it

is. What kind of authenticity is that? Why should those humans be believed without any supporting

evidence whatsoever and despite multiple inconsistencies within the bible?

 

You also asked,in effect, what if God is not good? He's certainly not good as he is described in the

bible. But if the god in the bible were real, he would also have to be stupid considering all of the

ridiculous things he is recorded to have said in the bible. For instance, "Let there be light." Then

later, on another "day" he created the sun, moon and stars, Huh? What was the light created before the

sun for? Did god need it to see? Where is that light now? Where did it go? From what did it come? One

could go on and on about the foolish things in the bible, but the "light" thing is in Genesis Ch.1, the

very first chapter in the bible. Has this light ever been explained to you in church or Sunday school?

 

If there is a god and he is malevolent, stupid and all powerful, we are all screwed. But I literally

bet my life that that kind of god does not exist. bill

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Sounds kind of like another case of Scrupulosity. If it is, join the club-- ranked fifth most common form of OCD, devout believers of all religions are especially prone to this.  http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/scrupulosity-blackmailed-by-ocd-in-the-name-of-god    

 

directionless has some great advice about considering seeking out counseling. If this is the case, converting or deconverting is not going to help you long-term. 

 

Me and quite a few others here have had to deal with it, are currently dealing with it, or have had some experience with it. It can be successfully dealt with and just needs time.  Even if it is not this (because I am *not* a psychiatrist and this is the internet so obviously I am speculating), you might still want to seek out a counselor just to help out as you seem stressed over it and therapy is great, it's great to learn new ways to think. 

 

The Bible will not prove or disprove God's existence no matter how long or how much study it. Look at all the people who have dedicated their lives to it and come out with different views regarding it. 

 Your right, they blame it on OCD but if that is true who gave it to us, for me it was the RCC, guilt if I do , and if I don't. Did I confess every sin, or did I forget one. One and one. I know other denominations have it as well.

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Sounds kind of like another case of Scrupulosity. If it is, join the club-- ranked fifth most common form of OCD, devout believers of all religions are especially prone to this.  http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/scrupulosity-blackmailed-by-ocd-in-the-name-of-god    

 

directionless has some great advice about considering seeking out counseling. If this is the case, converting or deconverting is not going to help you long-term. 

 

Me and quite a few others here have had to deal with it, are currently dealing with it, or have had some experience with it. It can be successfully dealt with and just needs time.  Even if it is not this (because I am *not* a psychiatrist and this is the internet so obviously I am speculating), you might still want to seek out a counselor just to help out as you seem stressed over it and therapy is great, it's great to learn new ways to think. 

 

The Bible will not prove or disprove God's existence no matter how long or how much study it. Look at all the people who have dedicated their lives to it and come out with different views regarding it. 

 Your right, they blame it on OCD but if that is true who gave it to us, for me it was the RCC, guilt if I do , and if I don't. Did I confess every sin, or did I forget one. One and one. I know other denominations have it as well.

 

 

Yeah, unfortunately, churches/temples/most religions don't have a whole lot of help for the mental illnesses they help trigger.  As society progresses hopefully addressing and dealing with this kind of thinking will happen earlier and earlier in an individual's life so they aren't taken so off guard by it. The internet has been great in helping people get help for their disorders earlier than what they normally would.  The mind is a powerful thing and some people are just more genetically predisposed to having some kind of mental illness (frustration) triggered.  I know most of my triggers were at church or through my mom, but I know one that happened at school.  

 

But religion is frustrating as it further warps it and makes you think demons or something atrocious is attacking your mind when it's really just your brain misfiring circuits and can be retrained.  

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If you feel the need to continue reading the Bible and noting down the inconsistencies and nasty actions of this so-called God, then please do so.

 

However it is quite possible to come to these conclusions fairly quickly, without reading the whole thing from cover to cover. If you have been taught that the Bible is totally inspired by God and without error (and thus without contradiction)you will quickly find the Bible contradicting itself.

 

Quite a number of people on these forums that have long term trouble with fear and dread at de-conversion seem to end up with a diagnosis of OCD. It is so horrible that religion uses the suffering of people to ensnare and trap loyal donors.

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I am not diagnosing you with anything so don't get me wrong, but reading your post was like hearing my adult daughter having a conversation with me.  She is an ex fundie as well now but I raised her in the faith and she has a lot to work through.  Anyway, she has obsessive compulsive disorder and her compulsion is religion.  She is constantly having to do these mental gymnastics and has a constant fear of burning in hell even now.  (whereas I don't)  She can't let go of things like some others can because of her OCD.  You might want to google OCD and religion and see what you think, you may find some of it applies.  Belief in the Christian religion is enough to give anyone OCD anyway.

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My question here is when does the penny Drop?!

 

 

It doesn't. This is a long, slow, organic process called "life," not a magic moment when all becomes perfectly clear forever and ever.

 

I've been following your journey avidly here, ChristianGuy, because, as I've mentioned before, we have several key experiences in common, and I know to some degree how you're feeling about some things. You are smart, inquisitive, and need answers. You also appear to be struggling with depression and anxiety. It's going to be very hard for you to slow down, stop fighting, and just nurture yourself as a valuable human being for a while, but it is essential that you do so, okay? For now, don't try to answer all the questions. Don't try to become something different all at once. You've got a lot on your plate. Concentrate on finding some support and some therapy to deal with the anxiety and depression. That's where you need to build a strong foundation, so you can deal with all the rest. You can't remodel the house without shoring up the foundation first. "A wise man builds his house upon a rock," remember? That rock is your mental health and well-being. :beer:

 

IM me if you need to, too.

Well said. I agree. As someone who also deals with depression and anxiety, find help with it. Very important. And stay away from exclusively christian doctors.

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