Jump to content

How To Love


Guest end3
 Share

Recommended Posts

I find myself recognizing that I have one primary mechanism of how I show love to others.  That would be provision.  "Can I get you something that you could use to help you"?  Don't know that this is the best means nor the only means to convey love.  I am sure it can leave people feeling like they are inadequate because they can't get the things nor perform/achieve on their own.  But I think provision has been a man/men thing for awhile.

 

Just thought it would be an interesting thread....What is  your mechanism for showing love?  Obviously we can move past the sex portion of this exercise. 

 

My hopes are that I find another mechanism or someone else can find something new to them.

 

Blessings folks.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But you've never given me anything.  :(

 

Seriously though, yes it's been our culture for some time now that a man provides and and man doesn't show affection much else.  You are quite right about that.  Good topic. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Though I'm not a Christian, I was pretty moved and influenced by a Christian-themed book, The 5 Love Languages.

 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

According to the author, the languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

 

While that's maybe simplistic and overbroad, it's a good start. An ex and I discovered that one of our troubles was that we were misunderstanding each other's "languages."

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When my wife and I were in marriage counseling, "The Five Love Languages" was a book that our counselor had us purchase. My wife and I don't have a single primary or secondary "love language" in common. So it requires me to readjust my thinking about what makes her feel loved. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Every person has different 'languages' when it comes to giving and receiving love. Some of the main problems in relationships are misinterpretations of the other's love style.

 

I think it is most loving when we can seek out what the other perceives as loving and try to provide that... a case in point, generally women feel loved when they are allowed to talk about their feelings, problems and whatever, without judgement, advice or having their mate try to 'fix it'. They just want to be validated and heard. Men generally want to show love by fixing things... this can cause problems because that isn't what the woman was truly looking for to feel loved.

 

Or how intimacy is frequently confused with sex. They can go together but they are not synonymous.

 

Great subject!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me, it about making sure the other person knows how valued they are in my eyes. But first, I ask them what is the best way for me to show that to them. There is not point me choosing a way that they cannot understand or appreciate. The Five Love Languages is a great book. Highly recommended.

 

Sadly our culture does turn on the provision of stuff. That will never be enough for most females. We need to know you value us on a deep level.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find myself recognizing that I have one primary mechanism of how I show love to others.  That would be provision.  "Can I get you something that you could use to help you"?  Don't know that this is the best means nor the only means to convey love.

My friend, being there is. Being attentive. Hearing. Listening. Caring. To do this, you have to set aside all you imagine you "should be" for another, and instead simply be.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's beautiful.

 

It's not easy though... to truly set ones self aside and be there. It takes effort. Real listening is probably one of the hardest things I've ever learned, and it doesn't seem to get easier.. or do I profess to be good at it, but I do try.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For me, it about making sure the other person knows how valued they are in my eyes. But first, I ask them what is the best way for me to show that to them. There is not point me choosing a way that they cannot understand or appreciate. The Five Love Languages is a great book. Highly recommended.

 

Sadly our culture does turn on the provision of stuff. That will never be enough for most females. We need to know you value us on a deep level.

 

I have known plenty of females that could take this same advice. Men need to know they are valued in the same way even if it is not openly talked about.

 

relationships are about teammwork and that means communication. Love is communication to me in many ways. Honesty goes hand in hand with communication as well. So I could say that being there talking to me and being honest about your feelings and life are a good way to earn that deeper level that you say women want. I want that to but have a hard time finding women that are honest enough with themselves to be honest with me. Thankfully my wife is and I don't need to find another woman for that purpose. I would expect the same from a friend... a true friend as well.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

For me, it about making sure the other person knows how valued they are in my eyes. But first, I ask them what is the best way for me to show that to them. There is not point me choosing a way that they cannot understand or appreciate. The Five Love Languages is a great book. Highly recommended.

 

Sadly our culture does turn on the provision of stuff. That will never be enough for most females. We need to know you value us on a deep level.

 

I have known plenty of females that could take this same advice. Men need to know they are valued in the same way even if it is not openly talked about.

 

relationships are about teammwork and that means communication. Love is communication to me in many ways. Honesty goes hand in hand with communication as well. So I could say that being there talking to me and being honest about your feelings and life are a good way to earn that deeper level that you say women want. I want that to but have a hard time finding women that are honest enough with themselves to be honest with me. Thankfully my wife is and I don't need to find another woman for that purpose. I would expect the same from a friend... a true friend as well.

 

 

Agree, many women don't know how to make a man feel valued. All they have to do is ask.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy I used to know told me once that when I showed that I was thinking of him through the day when we weren't together, he felt loved.  He meant if we shared a quick phone call, or a little email or text, or if I got him some little present (nothing big, but maybe a flower from my garden or a cupcake).  I got what he meant, and he did things like that, and it really is very nice.  It IS nice knowing that someone else occasionally thinks of you during the day and let's you know with the call or note or little gift.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Years ago my wife and I went to counseling. My wife's complaint was that I don't listen to her

attentively. Well, she was right. The problem is that I have adult attention deficit disorder. It's not my imagination, believe me. It is extremely hard to avoid being distracted during a conversation,

particularly after work when I'm tired. But it is hard to one degree or another whether I'm tired or

not.

My wife was a stay at home wife and all personal things she did for me showed that she loved me,

according to the counselor. My work, on the other hand , did not show love, because it was not

"personal".

The counselor thought that my not listening and not doing enough work around the house were the

problems.

But when i hugged her(my wife, not the counselor) because I saw she was down, she moved away. Boy

did that hurt.

The counselor's parting words to me were: "all it takes is a little bit". That was the biggest insult

of all. I'd been married 40 years, and I didn't even contribute a little bit? We changed counselors. We are doing well now. Basically we worked our own problems out.I was furious with the first counselor

(who was a christian) and I still have not fully gotten over it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going to bring up the anterior insular cortex again, the center for empathy in the human brain.  When we exhibit behaviors that express love like those some of you have mentioned, the insular cortex is active.  Another ground-level function we all share.  By strengthening the insular cortex with use, we can find it easier to behave compassionately toward others.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anterior insular cortex:  1    god: 0

 

Yes, we are wired to be empathetic.  Empathy, compassion, love -- all wired in.  And we are aware when people treat us with empathy, compassion and love, and we appreciate it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.