From Baptist Preacher's Daughter To Freethinking Adult

[FormerPK]

Hello Everyone,

I found this site a few days ago and have been reading some of the posts. I've been impressed with how much support the members seem to give to each other, and the loving, non-judgmental attitude I see in many of the replies and interactions. Thank you for this.

 

I grew up with a very conservative Southern Baptist pastor/evangelist for a Father. My Mother studied Bible/Christian education at Bob Jones University in Greenville, SC (some of you may know of this very legalistic, conservative school), and she and my Father shared the same literalist, inerrant view of the Scriptures, and narrow-minded, God-oriented view on life. Our home life revolved around God and Church. Literally every decision was based on "God's will", or "what the Bible says". We attended church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, and any other time that "the doors were open" basically. Even when we were traveling or on vacation, my parents made sure to be in Church if it was normal Church time. We prayed before every meal, had family devotions and Bible reading, and were taught that a personal relationship with Jesus was really the only important thing in life.  

 

My sister and I were homeschooled or in Christian school throughout many of our school years. We were not allowed to listen to any music except for Christian/Southern Gospel. We were not allowed to wear certain things like skirts above the knee or sleeveless shirts. We were not allowed to watch movies above a G or PG (even PG was iffy depending on the movie) rating even as older teenagers. We were never allowed to miss a Church service unless we were quite ill. We were never allowed to go with friends to a different church unless it was also Baptist. We were also not allowed to question the validity of what we were being taught, we were just expected to believe. I remember as an older teenager asking my Mom some questions about doctrine and basically getting the answer, "Well if you don't believe that than you just don't believe the Bible, end of discussion".

 

My parents used the Bible as an excuse to discipline us harshly, believing that it would produce obedient adults who would surrender to "God's will" easily and willingly. We were spanked often with either a hand or an object such as belt if it was available. Spanking was not only reserved for serious offenses, but used as the primary discipline because, apparently, that is what the Bible teaches parents to do. I once got spanked with a belt for using my Father's hair brush and leaving my hairs in his brush. I was only about 10 or 11 years old and can still remember his angry, red face as he brought the belt down on my backside. My sister's very first memory as a child is of getting a spanking. My Mother used to tell me that she started spanking us when we were about 3 months old and we first started showing "defiance" by crying and stiffening our bodies up. I'm not sure about any of you, but when I think about hitting a 3 month old (and I am now the mother of a toddler) it makes me so very angry that it actually happened to me.

 

My Father had 2 sides to his personality. He could be very outgoing, jovial, and friendly, and everyone who knew him liked him. He was an amazing pastor in the sense that he had great people skills. However, he also had a nasty temper that not many people ever saw. His temper usually only affected his immediate family. He made us (myself, my Mother, and my sister) walk on eggshells most of the time trying to keep him from blowing up. I would watch couples from our Church come over to our house for marriage counseling at times, and would go to my bedroom thinking, "How can he counsel other couples now, and then verbally abuse his own wife later?"

 

Even with the problems within our home and family, I never questioned the truth of the Bible or the existence of God while I was growing up. I was truly indoctrinated and brainwashed to believe that I would certainly go to hell if I didn't accept Jesus as my Savior, live the Christian life, and believe a literal interpretation of the Bible. I was saved as a child, baptized by immersion, and then saved again when I was 15 years old, just to be absolutely sure. I was active in Church, sang in the choir, participated and helped with youth group, and as a young adult, active with the Church ladies groups. I have to admit, however, that I always had these nagging doubts. I wondered about that peace that "passes all understanding" and the joy that Christians always talk about being unique to those who have been saved. Was I experiencing or had I ever experienced those unique feelings? What about God's will? Had I ever really heard the voice of God or felt his true presence? Would I know if I did? All of my Christian friends, family, and other Church members didn't seem to have questions about these things. I felt like everyone else seemed more confident in their ability to feel God's presence or discern his will. These questions bothered me, but I tried to just go on knowing that I had done what was required to be saved, so I must be a Christian.

 

My de-conversion started to happen when I was in my early to mid-twenties and was in college. I have a bachelor's degree in nursing and am now an RN, so, in college, I had to take many science classes. I was no longer in a Christian school being fed the Genesis story, but was actually learning about evolution and scientific facts. I began to question whether the literal 6 day Creation story was actually true. (Now I can't believe I ever thought it was!) Over the next few years, I researched, studied the Bible, looked at the doctrines of other religions, studied history, looked at scientific and archeological evidence, watched documentaries, read about issues from different perspectives, and did a lot of thinking. The more I read and the more I thought, the less Christianity made sense.

I had so many questions. Why does all the evidence point to a very old earth if the earth is only 6000ish years old. Doesn't the Bible say that God's creation is evidence of him? Why would he create the earth to look as if it were very old if it really isn't? What about the ice age? What about Neanderthal bones and Neanderthal DNA? How was it possible for Noah to get every single species on earth on the ark? What about species that have only recently been discovered? Did they somehow survive the flood? Because without evolution in the picture, every species had to have been created separately from another species, right?

 

My questions started at the beginning of the Bible and continued on through right into the end of the book. And I found out that NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE! Although it was hard to let go of my belief, my prayers, my fear of hell, my fear of the "end times", my hope for a wonderful afterlife, and all that comes with the Christian life, I had to follow my intellect. There is no going back. Now, when I think of some of the things I used to fervently believe in, it makes me laugh and shake my head. And the most awesome thing that came out of my de-conversion is that I am now FREE! The Bible says that the truth shall set you free. I never understood that passage as a Christian, but now, as a non-believer, I do! I am free from the fear, I am free from the judgment, I am free to be accountable to my self and to society and not to a supreme being, I am free to do what is right, not just what is required by my religion. I am a more content, self-disciplined, moral, ethical, kind, understanding, and accepting person now than I ever was or ever would have been as a Christian.  

 

I am now in my mid-thirties, happily married to an awesome U.S. Army soldier (we are currently living in Germany), and am a proud Mom to an almost 3 year old boy. My husband shares my non-belief. We are raising our son with peaceful, positive, non-violent parenting, and will teach him as he grows older to decide for himself if he should be a part of any religion. As for the family I grew up in, my Father has been dead for several years now. My Mother is still living and is remarried to a wonderful man who, although he is a devout Christian, has helped to soften my Mom's heart a little, and help her become more accepting of others. My sister is unsure of what she believes in at this point, but shares many of my views. Although, she has become an amazing, successful, well-adjusted adult, she has spent many years in therapy dealing with and overcoming our childhood. Unfortunately, I have not been, and probably never will be able to share my lack of beliefs with my Mother. She knows we do not attend Church and knows some of the reasons why, but she will never know the whole truth. She would not be able to accept it, and it would irreparably harm our relationship. So I've had to let that go. We have a distant and somewhat decent relationship now and I would like to keep it that way.

 

I am very glad to have found this site. I have been wanting to put my ex-timony in words for a long time now and it's great to know there are many others who have gone through similar experiences. :-)

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Welcome, FormerPK.  Your story reminds me of a lot of the PKs I met in college.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Wow, FormerPK, yours is a powerful and moving story.  It is so sad to think of infants being spanked and then being blamed for showing defiance when they cry and stiffen up.  I am so glad that you got out of the cult, have your own family, and are making your life.  

 

I can relate to a lot of what you describe about your family.  Religion provides rationales for so many bad trips.  What you say about your father makes me wonder whether he was repressing a lot of cognitive dissonance.

 

Thank you for joining us and for sharing your perspectives.  

[FormerPK]

Thank you both for welcoming me and taking the time to read my story.

[mymistake]

Welcome. 

[new2me]

The thought of spanking an infant makes me want to throw up.  I couldn't have done that to my babies.

 

So glad you escaped Christianity and found us!

 

Welcome to Ex-C.

[FormerPK]

Thank you

[FormerPK]

New2me, it makes me sick now too! I can't even fathom having hit my son when he was that tiny, or ever. Thank you for welcoming me.

[Jedah]

 

My Father had 2 sides to his personality. He could be very outgoing, jovial, and friendly, and everyone who knew him liked him. He was an amazing pastor in the sense that he had great people skills. However, he also had a nasty temper that not many people ever saw. His temper usually only affected his immediate family. He made us (myself, my Mother, and my sister) walk on eggshells most of the time trying to keep him from blowing up. I would watch couples from our Church come over to our house for marriage counseling at times, and would go to my bedroom thinking, "How can he counsel other couples now, and then verbally abuse his own wife later?"

 

Has anyone else noticed that this is a really common personality flaw with pastors? Every single one I really got to know suffered from this to some degree. Nice to their sheep in public, control freak when no one is looking

[FormerPK]

I knew a lot of other pastors growing up, and yes, I did notice that about some of them. I knew what to look for since it happened in my own home. I never was able to really trust a "man of God"

[♦ ficino ♦]

In the Assemblies of God, the really on fire pastors wore white shoes.  I think it's so their congregations could see their feet more easily when their pastor skipped around the church manifesting the Spirit.

[Lerk]

What a wonderful post! Welcome aboard. Looking forward to your participation here.

 

 

The Bible says that the truth shall set you free. I never understood that passage as a Christian, but now, as a non-believer, I do!

 

The first time I thought of that verse after realizing the Bible wasn't true, I thought exactly the same thing!

[buffettphan]

Welcome to Ex-C!  I'm so glad you escaped the cult, that your life is on such a positive track now, and that you are raising a new generation without the abuse of christinsanity!

[pawn]

Congratulations for seeing behind the curtain!  Now you know there is nobody behind it, just a bunch of religous nuts who think there is.  I just came out to my fundamentalist dad.  He's taking it pretty hard, because he thought I was such a great "man of faith", and now I am adamanatly telling him I beleive the whole bible is a laughable bunch of fairytales....I think he's in shock.  Its worth it, I am gald I told him.  I'll share the whole story here in another thread soon.

Tell your mom!  It is worth it!  You'll feel so free!  Yeah, it may damage your relationship, but it just might wake her up a little!  I can't hold bakc things like this, so I just blurted it out in an email.  We've been going back and forth, my dad has made some retarded,w eak arguments to try to show me his "proof" that God exists, but they are so pathetic, I just write a quick, polite response and he doesn;t knwo what to say.

Haven't talked to him in person yet, waiting for it to all sink in for him, that I am not changing my mind, and this is permanent.

 

Welcome!

[BrotherJosh]

Wonderful story! Glad to see you made it out. My mother's family is devoutly Baptist. My parents say they are non-denominational...but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a Baptist. I bet Germany is an interesting place to live. I look forward to more of your contributions here!

[FormerPK]

Thank you for the welcome, MisterTwo and Buffettphan!

 

Wow, Pawn, you are very brave! Good for you! I'm just not at the point to where I even want to tell my mom yet. I have had a few discussions with her about certain things and have asked her a lot of questions about doctrine and the Bible. I know she wonders what I actually believe. Right now, I'm happy to let her wonder. I know it will get harder as my son grows and learns about mine and my husband's views. One thing I really don't want is for my mom to try and brainwash my son the way she did me. I know she will try. That is one reason that we don't see her often. Anyway, thanks for the welcome!

[FormerPK]

Thank you BrotherJosh!

[Aggie]

Thanks for sharing your story!  It's a difficult but wonderful feeling being "saved" from fundamentalism...

[FormerPK]

Yes, it is Aggie! Thank you!

[MerryG]

Yes, wonderful post -- though the thought of anybody hitting three-month-old babies, then considering them "defiant" is SICK.

 

How often religion is an excuse to abuse children!

 

Well said and well done, FormerPK.

[RaLeah]

Welcome, FormerPK!

 

I grew up in a home similar to yours (though my father isn't violent by nature and my parents secretly phased out the spanking -- I realized they only did it because the church said it was the right thing to do, and it's also how their own parents disciplined them. They could see it wasn't very effective and my older sisters would hit each other because they were picking up the behavior my parents were modeling.) 

 

I even had some classmates go to Bob Jones University, probably the same time you were there. 

 

I also felt the way you did -- the truth set me free! And yes, still have family members who are Baptists. But also like you, I'm married to an atheist. We don't have children yet, but if we do, we won't discipline with spanking and definitely won't put them through the hell of going to church. 

 

I'm glad you're here, and thanks for sharing your ex-timony!

[FormerPK]

Yes it is sick, MerryG!  The belief that all babies are born with a sinful nature gives way to the belief that a 3 month old can be defiant. It is disgusting

[FormerPK]

Thank you RaLeah, I didn't go to Bob Jones, but my Mom graduated from there. I actually spent a semester at Pensacola Christian College, though. Quickly realized I couldn't handle that, lol, and eventually went on to a secular college. And I'm glad I did!

[RaLeah]

Thank you RaLeah, I didn't go to Bob Jones, but my Mom graduated from there. I actually spent a semester at Pensacola Christian College, though. Quickly realized I couldn't handle that, lol, and eventually went on to a secular college. And I'm glad I did!

 

Hey! I spent my first semester at Pensacola Christian College! Crazy, right? I think Pastor Shetler was the main preacher in that gigantic auditorium. 

 

I got out of there fast too. I can't believe I even made it a semester, considering all the crazy rules. Remember how they'd "shadow" someone who was about to be kicked out but before they met before the hearing committee or whatever it was that decided whether or not they could stay? They weren't allowed to talk to anyone during that time or they'd get written up and kicked out for sure while the chaperone stayed with them 24/7, so we could never ask them what on earth had happened and why the were in trouble. 

 

Oh, and don't get me started on the separate staircases and elevators for men and women. Gross, right? And absolutely NO TOUCHING of the opposite sex ever at all under any circumstances. (I heard a story about a guy who proposed to a girl there, and rather than put the ring on her finger himself, under a disapproving glare, he handed / slightly tossed her the box so she could put it on herself. 

 

And the dress code. I mean... I can't even. (I got SO sick of wearing skirts and dresses every single day to everything--no pants ever under any circumstances--that I still to this day try not to wear them if I can wear dress pants instead unless it's a super formal occasion.)

 

Oh, and assigned seats at dinner time so they could take attendance! And lights out at 11:30pm and if you were caught getting back up to study or do some homework after they checked in to make sure it was lights out, you could get demerits for cheating, because you were getting an extra unfair advantage of more time....

 

And you couldn't leave campus without an R.A. going with you and another signing off on letting you out. 

 

And no HEAD PHONES because you might be listening to ungodly secular rock music or a musical or something -- only soft Christian and classical music allowed. (This was a big problem for me, as I STILL can only fall asleep most of the time with headphones on... or my insomnia is impossible.) 

 

I could go on and on about that place. Can you believe some people make it through to graduation? The indoctrination is complete after that. 

 

Did I leave out any of the crazy rules? I'm sure I did. 

 

Yay. PCC. We called it Prison Camp College. We weren't that far off. 

[TrueFreedom]

Hi FormerPK!  Welcome!  I grew up in fundamentalist Christianity and even studied for ministry in college.  I still home-school my kids with the help of various religious and secular institutions, but it's primarily their own decision.  They understand evolution and science better than I did at their age, and I was public schooled.   I also tried to keep my apostasy from my parents, but they found out through their own obsessive investigations.  It's wonderful to hear that you escaped the brainwashing and married an open-minded man!  You are free indeed!