Storm Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I've noticed something over the past few weeks and it has helped me in my deconversion process. Like many on this forum, I devoted myself deeply to my beliefs in god and serving him. I tried my best to be of a pure heart and to serve him with everything I had. As I lived my christian life, my walk with god went back and forth between strong times and weak times. It was during the weak times that I always at some point started feeling a "tug" from the holy spirit and I interpreted it as god drawing me back to him so we could have that great relationship that we had. I would always eventually come back to him and I would once again pour out my heart and we would then be good again. Since I have started the deconversion and have been hanging out in these forums, I have noticed that I have not felt any type of tug or prompting of the HS to return to god. So, I deduce that this is one of two things happening: either god is not real and everything I ever felt as a tug from the HS was just me guilt tripping myself into getting back in line with my beliefs, or god has officially given up on me. I believe that its simply because god is not real. In some way, I found this realization to be comforting and reassuring in that I am finding out the truth more and more. It was very scary for me to make this leap towards deconversion and I was afraid of all the typical stuff that every christian is taught to fear if they leave the faith. But the longer I travel in deconversion, the less the fear exists. Knowing that I am not getting the tug to return to god is a huge step in my changing beliefs. I think at this point, the biggest hurdle I will end up having to overcome is the revealing my deconversion to my friends and family. At this point, I don't see that happening anytime soon. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 The absence of the "tug" is your mind getting used to not running on empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 As a prior tobacco user I felt the tug of the addiction when it was time for another dose of nicotine. My learned behavior was to put more nicotine into my body at that point. I had to override this learned behavior to stop the addiction. Christianity is not necessarily an addiction (can we be addicted to guilt, fear, shame?) but it definitely is full of learned behaviors we have been programmed with. Guilt is the tug that we are not being performing according to our programming. The more you consciously override the demands of Christianity , the less effective the Christian programming will be. Observe the tug, then continue doing what you're doing or thinking what you're thinking. Ignore the tug. After a while there won't be a tug anymore. If there really were a loving Jesus that was "awesome" we would never want to leave that. But people stop believing all the time. So, Jesus is just programming by people who are programmed as well. Good luck to you. :-) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Yes, the "HS" was just you returning to a formerly held habit. Calling that compulsion the "HS" is just the framework you were using to explain life at that time. I chalk it up to neuroscience--our brain makes a connection or squirts out some neurotransmitters, and then our conscious mind "makes sense" of that by applying meaning to it ("It's the HS!"). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lerk Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 I found this realization to be comforting and reassuring in that I am finding out the truth more and more. Yes! Once I really came to grips with the fact that it isn't real, I was really calm. Not that there weren't some unpleasant consequences due to my relationships, but all of those Christian phrases turned out to be true, only not about Christianity. "The truth shall set you free!" The truth that there are no gods truly has given me a peace that passes understanding. Once I got to that point, I've been able to read more and see all of the flaws in the Bible. Currently I'm noticing how things that the New Testament authors claimed were prophecies about Jesus were really just the "prophets" talking about things in their own time. Isaiah 7 is a good example. Luke says that the virgin with child is Mary with Jesus, but the "prophecy" was actually just a "sign" to Ahaz (king of Judah) that the combined armies of Israel and Assyria. And the sign comes not in the 1st century, but in the very next chapter, Isaiah 8! They never pointed that out in church! (In the original Hebrew language it wasn't a virgin, it was simply a young woman who had never had children.) Anyway, there's so much to learn now, but with the internet the information is all there to be found. The freedom found in knowing that there is no god, that there are no gods, is really a relief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 With time, it all fades. The tug, thinking it makes any sense, the guilt, the fear. I find that my life makes more sense now knowing we're just here for our lives. For me, it's more peaceful and enjoyable. There's no need to tell anybody else about your deconversion if you don't want to. And you definitely don't need to rush into it until you are very ready and very secure. To me, it's one of those things that is truly nobody's business. It's nice having this rather anonymous place to work out our own thoughts. And those are my thoughts! Peace to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 That "tug" as others have pointed out is habit trying to drag you right back. We've all felt it to some degree. Over time, as you have found out yourself, it goes away. Be very, very careful about telling others about your deconversion. I lost two friends, one of which was my best friend, by merely telling them i was an atheist. Seeing how this went down i decided not to tell many others. Today, very few know in my day to day life. It's up to you to tell anyone or no one because it's a decision you made that just deals with you and nobody else. All i'm saying is if you do be real careful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Christianity is not necessarily an addiction (can we be addicted to guilt, fear, shame?) but it definitely is full of learned behaviors we have been programmed with. Guilt is the tug that we are not being performing according to our programming. I see what you mean but i would still say religion is very much like drug addiction. That "tug" he referred to is just like that habit of lighting up another smoke or putting in another dip even though the love and thrill of it are long gone. That "tug" pulls you right back and makes your body do this or that even though you don't want to. In 2006 i went back to Christianity even though i knew more than enough to know all wasn't what it appeared to be and that i didn't even really want to. But that ole "tug" pulled me right back, well, that and the idea of hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Posted October 18, 2013 Author Share Posted October 18, 2013 Christianity is not necessarily an addiction (can we be addicted to guilt, fear, shame?) but it definitely is full of learned behaviors we have been programmed with. Guilt is the tug that we are not being performing according to our programming. I see what you mean but i would still say religion is very much like drug addiction. That "tug" he referred to is just like that habit of lighting up another smoke or putting in another dip even though the love and thrill of it are long gone. That "tug" pulls you right back and makes your body do this or that even though you don't want to. In 2006 i went back to Christianity even though i knew more than enough to know all wasn't what it appeared to be and that i didn't even really want to. But that ole "tug" pulled me right back, well, that and the idea of hell. I do see some parallels between christianity and addiction. If you have had positive experiences as a Christian, I think it can make it more difficult to leave the faith and all that comes with it. I admit that there are things I miss about not being a Christian. These things can eventually be replaced, but I have to find adequate replacements for them. Drug and alcohol use often involves ritualistic behaviors, and of course, christianity involves a lot of ritualistic stuff. Leaving all that behind seems to leave a void in my life and I am seeking some other stuff to fill it and it is made even more difficult by the fact that I cant come out to my family and friends, so I have to do things very discreetly. I know I will eventually get there and be able to live a life that is enjoyable without being a Christian, but it will take me a while to get there. Its all part of the journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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