How To Deal With Fundamentalist Parents As A Struggling Adult?

[Prometheus]

I left my house at around 18 (I was kind of kicked out, actually—mostly because I wasn't a fundamentalist like my parents, and I occasionally said things like "Damn it" when I stubbed my toe, I didn't like reading my Bible, I occasionally masturbated, and I asked a lot of questions—these, of course, were mortal sins which meant I must have been a bad kid, so I had to leave).

 

Once I left my house, I realized I wasn't actually a bad person.  People treated me kindly and I treated others kindly.  I generally had a pretty humble attitude.

 

For the next 7 years, I had a period of really LIVING life.  I had never been allowed to do many "normal things" that average people do so I caught up, quickly.  I'm not perfect, and I made some mistakes, but in general, I was and believe myself now to be a "decent" human being, and have been told the same by essentially everyone in my life, from exes to friends to family members.

 

However, I hit some hard times about six months ago due to the economy and lost my job.  I didn't have much money in savings due to bad financial predictions on my part and being stuck with a lease that I had to continue paying while I wasn't making money.  In the end, I sold 99% of my possessions and trekked to another state to recoup with my family.

 

They are materially generous (that is, they have provided me with a place to stay and food to eat).  But here is the difficult part: They are spiritually simple people, especially my mother.  When I talk about anything, anything at all, she always brings up the fact that I don't believe that Jesus is my God and Savior.  For example:  I was feeling a bit depressed this morning, and sipping on a coffee, opened up to her and reflected on the worry that this financial drought would last forever and I might not ever achieve financial independence.

Now, any "normal", decent mother (my mother is decent, but not normal) might offer a bit of consolation.  Correct?  Instead, my mother was silent.  She did say, "Hmm."  I'll give her that.  But then, nothing.  She just continued to walk around.  Instead of just getting up and leaving, I asked her if she had nothing to say.  She replied something to the like of, "Well, you know that I don't believe God blesses those who don't make their decisions for Him."

 

I couldn't really believe it.  She was criticizing me and my decisions as being made without consulting The God first, and declaring my financial job-loss as being caused by that.

 

Is this not the blindest, fundamentalist-est, silliest line of reasoning possible?  I felt ill and a bit frustrated at being so unable to have a reasonable conversation with my mother—who I love.

 

Is this understandable or am I complaining too much?

[Prometheus]

Good advice.  I tend to be a little too attached to my ideals, and critical of viewpoints I don't agree with—even though, deep down, I know that I can't blame them for the way they respond to me—it comes from their belief system.

 

Thanks for the reminder.  I definitely need to keep myself in check.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

First of all, Prometheus, welcome to ex-C.  As I'm sure you are already discovering, the members of this forum are among the kindest and most loving people one could ever hope to meet.  You will find support here; you may even find yourself supporting others without even realizing it.

 

Secondly, my relationship with my parents also went sour after I told them I no longer believed in their fundamental pentecostal faith.  I won't speak for anyone else, but I believe there are others here who have had the same frustrations too.  In my case, I find it best to not really talk to my parents about anything deeper than the weather and what's going on back home on the farm.  My parents are not unreasonable people in most other aspects of their lives, but religion is never far from the tips of their tongues.  This is especially true with my mother.  Earlier this year, I got into a conversation with her about gay marriage.  She couldn't believe that I would support it; but every time I asked her for a non-religious reason for rejecting it, she would always fall back on the "It's just so icky" argument, leading to the kidney-punch come back "But how does that affect your life?" 

 

It is difficult for my parents to see anything without the stained-glass blinders affecting their view; their perceptions are skewed, tainted by religion.  For them, religion touches every aspect of life because religion is life.  So even something as simple as discussing where to go for dinner when they visit can suddenly turn into an "I didn't raise you to be an atheist" meltdown.  This rarely happens now, but in the beginning it was an endless struggle.  I allowed them time to vent, because I knew it was important for them to feel that they had done everything they could to bring me back to the lord.  However, once my son was born, I made it clear to them that the time for religious friction between us was over.  I would not allow their beliefs or their judgement of me to interfere with my desire to raise my son as a free thinker in a secular environment, and that he would decide for himself what to believe after he turned 18.  When my mother protested, I told her that if her god was really all it was cracked up to be, then it would be able to save my son's soul in spite of my best efforts to the contrary and that her protests only revealed how little faith she actually had.

 

I won't lie to you; it may be tough.  But you've got support here which is more than I had when I went through it, so there's a bright side at least.  Eventually, though, it may become necessary for you to draw the line with them.  They're probably going to be your parents for the rest of their lives--that's usually how it works--but that doesn't mean they get to dictate the terms of your relationship.  I hope this helps.

[Sybaris]

Stop talking.

 

A lot of issues with fundy's (or parents) can be solved by not giving them information.

 

 

 When I talk about anything, anything at all,...

 

[midniterider]

I left my house at around 18 (I was kind of kicked out, actually—mostly because I wasn't a fundamentalist like my parents, and I occasionally said things like "Damn it" when I stubbed my toe, I didn't like reading my Bible, I occasionally masturbated, and I asked a lot of questions—these, of course, were mortal sins which meant I must have been a bad kid, so I had to leave).

 

Once I left my house, I realized I wasn't actually a bad person.  People treated me kindly and I treated others kindly.  I generally had a pretty humble attitude.

 

For the next 7 years, I had a period of really LIVING life.  I had never been allowed to do many "normal things" that average people do so I caught up, quickly.  I'm not perfect, and I made some mistakes, but in general, I was and believe myself now to be a "decent" human being, and have been told the same by essentially everyone in my life, from exes to friends to family members.

 

However, I hit some hard times about six months ago due to the economy and lost my job.  I didn't have much money in savings due to bad financial predictions on my part and being stuck with a lease that I had to continue paying while I wasn't making money.  In the end, I sold 99% of my possessions and trekked to another state to recoup with my family.

 

They are materially generous (that is, they have provided me with a place to stay and food to eat).  But here is the difficult part: They are spiritually simple people, especially my mother.  When I talk about anything, anything at all, she always brings up the fact that I don't believe that Jesus is my God and Savior.  For example:  I was feeling a bit depressed this morning, and sipping on a coffee, opened up to her and reflected on the worry that this financial drought would last forever and I might not ever achieve financial independence.

Now, any "normal", decent mother (my mother is decent, but not normal) might offer a bit of consolation.  Correct?  Instead, my mother was silent.  She did say, "Hmm."  I'll give her that.  But then, nothing.  She just continued to walk around.  Instead of just getting up and leaving, I asked her if she had nothing to say.  She replied something to the like of, "Well, you know that I don't believe God blesses those who don't make their decisions for Him."

 

I couldn't really believe it.  She was criticizing me and my decisions as being made without consulting The God first, and declaring my financial job-loss as being caused by that.

 

Is this not the blindest, fundamentalist-est, silliest line of reasoning possible?  I felt ill and a bit frustrated at being so unable to have a reasonable conversation with my mother—who I love.

 

Is this understandable or am I complaining too much?

 

There are no unemployed god fearing believers, right?

[slave2six]

Your mom sounds like a sweet lady. My mom was too and also very Christian. I think at the point that she said this, if I was in your shoes I would say, "Mom, you and Dad let me live with you even though you know I am not a believer like you. Do you think God is less kind and loving than you are? Did you bless me because I did everything right or because you love me? I have to think that if there is a god and he is a father that he would not love me less than you do."

 

Hard for Christians to argue with that.

[Galien]

I have no patience for this kind of crap any more. I have no problem telling people they are ignorant and uninformed and have no right to judge me based on the content of some silly book of dubious origin. Of course they hate it, they want to yell at me and tell me I am going to hell,  I am crazy etc etc, but really I'd rather tell them the truth than continue to listen to their bullshit.