pandora Posted December 25, 2005 Share Posted December 25, 2005 (I am posting for my husband as he washes dishes... I am transcribing.) We went to church tonight with his parents, but we managed to keep us away from the more conservative churches. We went to a liberal Methodist church in a wealthy part of town that my husband had visited in the days he was searching for a compromise. Anyway... now for my husband's comments.... I wanted to attend church tonight because of tradition... because my parents were here, because I love the music and it's because what is Christmas without church, right? Sitting through a candlelight service as an ex-christian is an assualt on your conscience. Nothing would give me more peace and comfort than to just go back, reconvert. I thought that I could handle going to the kind of service many marginal Christians attend (like in a mainline church). Part of me still wants to find a way to reconnect with Christianity. To say I am open to it is an understatement. But I was reminded precisely why I have to make a clean break. I can't stand to participate in singing worship songs to someone whom I believe was merely human. The words grate on my conscience and I begin to feel an incredible sense of conflict. There was a point--- I think they were singing Silent Night--- when I sort of made a bet with God. (Pandora speaking--- I wondered what the hell that look on his face was all about!!). Essentially, I said if you are out there, prove it... as hard as the Jesus is for me to deal with, I am uncertain of whether I believe in any kind of higher power at all. I'd like to believe it... it would certainly improve my life.... but if there is one thing that has always been true about me, is that I am principled. If I compromise my principles, it is never for long because I can't handle the guilt. I came to the realization that although many marginal Christians attend Easter and Christmas services, Christmas and Easter are the two most problematic things about Christianity for me.... I might be okay going to a regular, weekly, liberal service... but Xmas and Easter get at the heart of who the real Jesus was and what makes me reject Christianity. Unless I am invited by close family, I don't think I will be going back to church on these holidays ever again. I still find myself listening to the occassional Christian CD in my car, sort of like a recovering alcoholic who takes a secret drink. Attending church tonight was like that. It is unhealthy. In excruciating emotional torment, pandora's husband Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sofia Posted December 25, 2005 Share Posted December 25, 2005 I had tears while reading this..... Sofi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted December 25, 2005 Author Share Posted December 25, 2005 He says thanks... I told him you are a "cool Christian" and can relate to him better than he would think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted December 25, 2005 Share Posted December 25, 2005 Ouch.. Found post as I was perusing boards prior to shutting down for evening. Kinda tough. Religion has planted triggers deeply in all of we who have atended her services. Only advise as a mean_old_man I can advise is that you learn to tune out the bullshit and fill your mind with things in those situations that you can live with. Hell, I can remember in church as a kid thinking ahead of time the weeks excuses i was gonna give Mom for getting busted for skipping skuLLe.. Whatever it takes to help you get past the emotional tug of the music, the sheparding, the "closeness and unity of the body" and all that bull_fuckin'_shit laid on a mind opened up by the passionate tuneage.. Gonna take some serious nuts to tell them all to FOAD, but I'm gonna advise a clean break. If you don't like the stench of burning hair and painful discomfort in the groin, quit allowing them to blowtorch your nutsack.. Not pretty word amigo, but what they do to you with the pretty and pagentry is gonna leave you hollow and raped mentally. Fuck that shit. kL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigToe Posted December 25, 2005 Share Posted December 25, 2005 I never liked going to church on those two holidays especially. I thought the services were entirely too hokey. And I can't stand children so the horrid little skits just about drove me nuts (even as a child I hated it). I think it is perfectly fine for your husband to not want to ever sit through a holiday service again. I still like songs like Silent Night and such, but I never really believed I was singing them to anyone more than I would any other generic song. I hope you're both able to have a great Christmas in the ways you want to and not because it's just "tradition". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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