chrisstavrous Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 After years of trying to live up to my mothers expectations and jumping through her moral hoops, I have decided to cut ties. I know I have changed so much, but she still remains blind locking me in that dark box I walked in many years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milesaway Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 As much as I value family, I must say you did the right thing. If you were never gonna live up to their standards, and assuming they kept moving the goalposts and made you feel like shit about it, then they need to be out of your life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MerryG Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Congratulations on making such a hard decision and what is probably your best choice. I haven't seen or communicated with anybody in my family for 25 years. While it sometimes still feels a little weird, it's also one of the most healthy and freeing things I've done in my whole life. Now my family consists of the people I choose to have around me. People who are honest, caring, bright and wise, who accept me for who I am, and who correct me (when it needs doing) with grace and openness rather than familial scapegoating and emotional manipulation. When "you can't win" with family ... just stop playing their rigged game. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flockoff Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 If your experience is like mine, a strange feeling will come over you after you've done it. Don't let it make you vulnerable and be ready to be an incredible asshole if you have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisstavrous Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 If your experience is like mine, a strange feeling will come over you after you've done it. Don't let it make you vulnerable and be ready to be an incredible asshole if you have to.In the words of dark helmet, keep firing assholes! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I made the decision to go No Contact with certain family members a while back. Best decision I ever made. Some people are unhealthy for me to be around and their relation to me genetically doesn't change that. If anything the fact that they are close makes it worse. The only issue I have had with it though is that socially this is a difficult position (especially with a parent) and most people don't understand. I don't bring it up with acquaintances... just very close and trusted friends. It's a tough decision.. kudo's to you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sybaris Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I have very little contact (funerals & kids birthdays) with may parents for the same reasons. They are very successful financially but very dysfunctional in personal relationships. It's kind of creepy how they feed off of the others venom. It wasn't until my 30's that I started to figure them out and after every encounter since then I have always felt like I needed to take a shower. My wife will say, "But they are your parents." After I have turned down an invitation to see them. If Hitler and Joan Crawford were your parents would you want to spend Christmas with them? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milesaway Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 If Hitler and Joan Crawford were your parents would you want to spend Christmas with them? Hell no. I wouldn't want anything to do with them, and I'd go no contact right then and there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I am sorry to hear about that. My adoptive parents and I are night-and-day different we just come from completely different ethnicity, and spiritual beliefs, and personalities. I am like an alien dropped into their home. During my younger years they were so demanding I did not have a chance to ever be like myself I had to be a copy of them. It was worse with my autism as I really only knew how to mimic other people rather than be my own self. As the years have gone on I've got more and more assertive and they have slowly learnt to let me be me. We don't and will never see eye-to-eye on most things. But they are trying that's all that matters for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted October 29, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted October 29, 2013 My rule is simple: Just because you are the parent doesn't give you the right to dictate the terms of the relationship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisstavrous Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 It just my mother I am removing from my life at the moment, my father will join her if our relationship becomes toxic. Think of a really negative social worker and times that by 10 and you have my mother. Then add my mental illness to the mix and I am constantly feeling emotionally and mentally crippled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I had to go no contact with my mother for 13 years, all through my formative 20s thru mid 30s. Now I talk to her every few months, and see her maybe once a year. She has softened a bit on her drama, and is very careful not to piss me off again. Maybe she has realized that I am a fun, responsible, successful, loving, interesting person. She is supportive now, and never critical at all. I'm not sure if it's time and age that has mellowed her, or if it's the fact that I shook her up and said, I'm not taking your crap any more so just stop it, or I'm gone again. Either way, I still have a strong boundary, and she is very respectful of it. Having her delight in the beauty of my life is actually very satisfying to me now. It was tough sometimes. She missed both of my weddings (yeah, lol) and the birth of my daughter. Not having a mom during those years is kind of sad, but I was able to grow as I needed to, and she was able to mellow out. You may or may not ever have contact with your mother again, and I support you either way. You will figure out what you need. I had to go no contact with my father about 7 years ago. When I was in the depths of my post partum depression (and still not speaking to my mother), he was too busy with his volunteer stuff (driving all over the country for days at a time) or going fishing with his buddies (driving all the way up to Canada) to come and visit me. I just needed to have some unconditional parental love, which he was not capable of giving. I was suicidal, and I realized that if he didn't care enough about that, then I might as well be dead to him. (I remember consciously thinking that if he had to come here for my funeral, he would suddenly drop everything and come, now wouldn't he? That was when I made my decision that he does not deserve me in his life, the selfish prick.) I realize that if I had called and said that my roof was leaking, for example, he would have jumped in the car and come to fix it. That is his way of showing love. I get that. But that is not what I needed or wanted, and I got frustrated and more depressed knowing that he could not show simple love (just freakin' show up, darn it!) when I needed it most. I don't need that kind of second-guessing my value. As I have learned from my real friends in life, half of showing love is just showing up. Anyway... Kudos to you. You will figure it out, and I support your decision. Be free! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisstavrous Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Now that I have had more time thinking about the siduation I am thinking about leaving the whole family, that way it wont lead back to any toxic people. I am really scared of being without the co dependant safety net I have always been use to, but I figure its better to be a lonely lion than an abused dog (a bit of scripture reversal there) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SageHealer Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 What do you do when your extremely fundamental xtian and narrow minded family aren't abusive, but really pretty nice and well meaning? There's not enough of an excuse to cut the ties, but I really don't like spending time with them. And the holidays are fast approaching... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisstavrous Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I am all set to go ahead to do what needs to be done if any of my family call, but when my sister called me last night I could not bring myself to tell her goodbye. However I did tell her excatly how I feel and that I think its better for my mental health for our mother to be out of my life. My sister happens to be the only family member who I can talk to without complete cognitive dissonance. She asked me to hold back on my actions for now and I said that I would for her but I don`t think she can do anything to make my relationship with my mother better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisstavrous Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 I have updated some of my post because I believe they did not reflect what I really wanted to say. Its been more than a few days now that I felt this way and since then I have talked to my mother. I told her it`s best that we have space for now. As for my father, brother and sister, I am keeping things as they are for now. Also I thank you all for your comments and understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 You will figure it out, my friend. I know it's tough, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Peace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pantophobia Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Thinking good thoughts (but NOT praying) for you, chrisstavrous! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I had to cut off my elder sister but I have been fortunate enough to maintain a good relationship with my parents and the younger of my two sisters. At first I missed my sis but as time went on, not so much. After my Mom passed, I had to encounter my sister at the memorial service. It took all of 30 seconds to remind me why I cut her off in the first place. You can't pick your relatives but you can choose not to associate with them. You shouldn't feel guilty for disassociating with people just because they are genetically connected to you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I went No contact with my family for awhile. It wasn't so much religious related but more like RW's post (except I'd had no kids, I was just extremely depressed with life and really considering suicide- when I reached out they basically got on to me later that day and asked what I would have done for them if they'd lost their jobs because they were do distracted that day-- uhm, what??). At that point, I responded in a not very mature manner and said some very hateful things to them and did not contact them for nearly a year. I heard nothing from my siblings for a few months until one finally contacted me through facebook. It was horrible and lonely because I always had people around me growing up and my family moved a lot so I understand the co-dependency thing. Even now, sometimes I feel lonely and like I should get out more but don't have the energy or am still trying to stave off depression. My family now lives thousands of miles away from me so it doesn't matter so much, though, I am visiting for the holidays. You'll figure something out. It's your life, not theirs. It takes a long time to realize that, especially if you've had very controlling parents, which it seems like a lot of the more fundamentalist parents ARE controlling. It's my belief it's because they believe God is watching and testing them and they want to have something to "present" to God at the end (like, look how good we are? We raised you a little soldier!). It's all kind of disturbing if I think too much on it, besides you can't control what other people think or believe. Just gotta focus on yourself (which is the exact opposite of what Christianity teaches and why so many people wind up messed up). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Wow, sorry to hear about your incident, kolaida. That hurts! But it's also weirdly comforting to know we're not the only ones -- know what I mean? Sigh... Warning, sarcasm: So sorry your illness inconvenienced their day. Good grief. Should we laugh or cry? If someone had a heart attack and they had to rush them to the hospital, would they later berate them for the inconvenience? Or better yet, if someone has diabetes, would they tell them to "just snap out of it"? The ignorance is astounding. Maybe if people started looking at illness rather than demons or "all in your mind" belittling attitudes, we would get somewhere. OK, end of rant. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Wow, sorry to hear about your incident, kolaida. That hurts! But it's also weirdly comforting to know we're not the only ones -- know what I mean? Sigh... Warning, sarcasm: So sorry your illness inconvenienced their day. Good grief. Should we laugh or cry? If someone had a heart attack and they had to rush them to the hospital, would they later berate them for the inconvenience? Or better yet, if someone has diabetes, would they tell them to "just snap out of it"? The ignorance is astounding. Maybe if people started looking at illness rather than demons or "all in your mind" belittling attitudes, we would get somewhere. OK, end of rant. Yes, it is weirdly comforting, lol! And, yes, LOVE that rant. So true. I was in total disbelief when I was essentially told I'd made their work day harder. And, yes, let's not even get into the amount of praying of how I need to cast my troubles unto the Lord, ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted November 6, 2013 Moderator Share Posted November 6, 2013 I am really scared of being without the co dependant safety net I have always been use to, but I figure its better to be a lonely lion than an abused dog If a person feels neglected, ignored, not heard, taken advantaged of when needs are clearly stated..... then it is time for you to take control of your life by going no contact. If It hurts your heart to be in relationships with so called 'loved ones' who claim they love you and your needs are not being met... then it's time to move on. You may feel a little lonely, but your heart won't hurt anymore. You can fill that up with people who truly care about you. Best wishes for you chrisstavous.....you deserve some happiness. We all do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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