themonkeyman Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Hey Folks, I just wanted to share my testamony, It is long and winded so if you get bored navigate away. It all started in January, The current Pope Benedict decided to resign, When I heard this I remembered back to the Prophesy of St Malachy saying that the next Pope would usher in the end of the world. Since we had just past december and the whole 2012 End Times stuff this lingered in my mind. The more I read about it the more I became convinced that we were living in the end times. This triggered me to remember the sin of 'Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit' - I 4 years ago was reading about this sin, And as quick as a flash my mind said a bad word about Jesus and the Holy Spirit. This back then tormented me for afew days but I got over it when I realised that it was a sin of the tounge. So after this thought entered into my mind, I started worrying - What happens if the 'Rapture Comes and I have committed this sin'. Dread filled my heart and mind - I did not know what to think or what to do, I was so afraid of being Left behind. It scared me more knowing that some people left behind still had the chance to repent however for me I would not be given forgiveness. I felt completely hopeless....... I had this feeling for days / weeks and months every single day of every waking hour. I sent hundreds of messages to ministers and other Christian forums asking for their advice and help. One thing that I heard is that some people said my 'Guilt' was a Demon and others said it was the 'Holy Spirit'. So being relatively inteligent I questioned to myself 'Is the Holy Spirit like a Demon' - It makes sense I was told that they both are Spirits / they are exact opposites of eachother and they both Convict of Sin. And a Demon can even disguise itself as the Spirit of God so lets face it - Its entirely possible that they are like one another in some aspects if we base this on the above..... That was it I said it I said the phrase 'Like a Demon' so I had committed this sin. This tormented me - I read that it was attributing the works of the Spirit to the Devil and calling him evel and I felt that since I said 'Like a Demon' I felt that I had called it evil. Albet It was unintentional. This scared me more and more - I asked even more christians and heard a wide range of views on this sin, Eventually it got to the point that I had so many interpretations that I didnt know which one to follow. Outside of this I started to fear that I would be doomed to goto Hell. I felt that there was no way out - I felt that this world was just a waste of time and that a God who loved me would happily see me burn for saying 'Like A Demon' when I meant it in a greater 'CONTEXT'. I decided at this point my mind was fucked up - I went and saught help. I went to my Doctor who gave me Anti-Depressants - These helped somewhat but the underlying fear of hell was still there. -- Side story When I became a Christian I never thought the same way as other Christians. Some stuff never made sense to me in the bible but I was always told to 'Accept It' and 'Do not test the lord' so I didnt and I tried my best to believe some rediculous claims. --/ Side Story So I decided to give God one last chance - I prayed to him in tears, 'Father let me know either way I cannot deal with this anymore' -- There I got it, NO REPLY. At that point knowing the faults with Christianity I decided to become an Enemy of God. If he was not willing to stand by me and remove my torments after 7 months then he was clearly not a person who I should 'Love'. I started Chipping way at Christianity - Thats where this site and 'Athiest Forums' have came in useful. I decided to read the bible from Covert to cover, I stopped at Genesis, I dont think I can continue reading this book as Genesis has put enough evidence in concrete for me that its all crap. So for those out there who google 'Unforgivable Sin' / 'Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit' I hope they take faith that they can remove themselves fo the fear. But they need to be willing to throw away their braces. Right now I still have some bad days - But I am relatively normal, I came off Anti-Depressants and I feel great! Having no religion feels free, The way I see it now is that What is to say Christianity is correct when Judaism and Islamism both deny the diety of Jesus. We could raise pascals wager about choosing the correct religion but honestly. 2/3 Say that Jesus was not God is enough for me! -- Thats my story Thanks for your support folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MadameX Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I wish you the best in your journey to mental and emotional freedom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jds22 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Having no religion feels free This is so true. It was an amazing realization when this hit me after my de-conversion. Big brother in the sky is not watching my every move and hearing my every thought. My mind and body are my own and I can live my life the way I choose. I can learn and read about things the church told me to stay away from. Congrats and good luck with you new life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I tried my best to believe some ridiculous claims You are not alone. Everyone has struggles with the ridiculous. The thing is, most people are too afraid to point out that there's a man behind the curtain. Welcome to the Ex-C community. I hope you contribute often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milesaway Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Welcome aboard! Yeah, I tried so hard to swallow some really outlandish claims in those last several months of church, and could never do it 100%. There was always that nagging doubt way deep down, and every time I tried to talk about it at church, they didn't wanna hear it and they walked away from me. I have my moments as well, though they've gotten to the point they're few and far between these days. You'll get there too. As for Pascal's Wager, it's nothing but an appeal to consequences based on a bunch of Iron Age false notions. It's yet another self-serving scare tactic in their arsenal. If we're gonna go there, then it's a safe bet to stay awake in case Freddy Krueger is real. See how that sounds? Life's too short to throw it away on a cosmic pissing contest. Freedom's great, isn't it? Now you've got your Sundays to yourself, and from here on out, you get to decide how to spend it for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I know the emotional torture you endured. Been there, done that! I reached a low point, popped a rib out of place in my back, and finally went to my doctor. He talked to me for a long time, (I wept the whole time, I was a mess), and he realized that my nerves were shot from some old chronic pain (car accidents in younger years) and the noises in my head (from all the shit going on at my church and my wrestling with god's plan and all that nonsense), so the acute pain of the rib was pushing me over the edge of what my herculean efforts had been handling up to that point (sort of handling). He wanted to take the edge off, so he recommended an antidepressant for chronic pain, which is also used for depression. It took the edge off my nerves, and turned off the endless loops in my mind of questioning my worth with god and the various incidents with the people at my church and why wasn't god helping the situation when I thought he'd have my back and why am I not good enough and maybe I'm not praying enough and ... (you know the drill!) I decided to withdraw from my church as much as possible. Suddenly I was free -- free time (I was giving about 20 hours a week), free to take on extra work (I'm freelance), free from all the backstabbing drama at church, free to be with my family every week night and every Sunday. My spirits lifted, my work situation improved dramatically, and my income doubled. I was still a believer, so I thought this was god's way of rewarding me for finally seeing that he was closing a door but opening a window for me. I had taken his hints and heeded his advice to pull back and "leave room for his vengeance" with the people at church. (FYI, two years later, no vengeance. just sayin'.) I ventured back to church one Sunday about 6 months later, and was approached by an older gentleman who had always been kind to me. He inquired about my absence. I relayed my assessment about god rewarding me for heeding his will and scaling back: more free time, greatly increased income, and overall personal joy. He laughed and asked how I know it's not Satan tempting me away with more money and personal pursuits. What the hell? God or Satan? Reward or temptation? In your case, Holy Spirit or a Demon? The whole thing is just one big mind game. Constantly questioning yourself from every angle. Am I a soldier for christ or am I the wedge of Satan to divide the ministry? (I was called both things by church members, and the wedge of Satan thing came from my freakin' pastor!) Anyway... long story short: I know where you're coming from on many points. I thought I was so free when I scaled back from the organization. But the freedom I have found since ditching the whole sh-bang of christianity has been infinitely greater. Oh the relief! Welcome to the forum. So glad to hear your story. You're among sympathetic folks here! I look forward to reading more from you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RipVanWinkle Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Good post RenaissanceWoman, If one wants ignorant advice, go to church. bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Thanks, Bill! Yeah, if you want a clear head and logical answers, get the heck out. All will become clear and peaceful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themonkeyman Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 @RenissanceWoman I know Christianity is a plague – I know many friends who go-to Christian events to meet a girl and to be honest it’s easier to date a Non-Christian than it is for both parties to try and keep up the ‘Christian’ view when they aren’t in Church. One of my friends has been rejected and spoken about by many Christians and generally when he walks towards a group of people most people disperse or ether say ‘Here He Comes’. That is absolutely sick, Because this person then thinks that he is not as spiritual as everyone else because they are having ‘Fellowship’. You are completely correct about self-review, You always think it’s your fault. Yet everyone in Church circles has probably been through the same as you but are just afraid of being ‘Black Listed’ by other Christians if the admit to it. It’s odd that we Rejoice when we feel God is there but blame ourselves when he’s not there. What type of mind trick is that. Basically God is to get all the Glory even when he let you suffer. And do you not notice the worst times with Religion were probably not even worth the benefit that some ‘God’ gave you exchange. Like what the Fuck is that how does he know you, I found that with Christians online about the Holy Spirit or Demons like how the fuck. If you make them sound identical then are my really in the wrong for saying according to what knowledge I have that they share similar traits. I do feel that being free is like an adrenaline rush as right now I feel not tied to any SkyGod meaning I can life life and do things as a I please rather than being bound to his rules. E.g. although I still have morales – Turning the other cheek is a lot harder when you know that you don’t have to. Actually my minister was quite helpful in my de-conversion he actually fixed some broken knowledge that lead me to be an atheist and solidified it for me. E.g. Because I see A + C = D he showed me the reason why it’s like that so I could feel more sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 holy spirit is the convicter of sin but the devil is the accuser;fucking semantics and bs.that shit pissed me off early. Interesting what you said about blaspheming the hs and ur experience that quick as a flashed you cussed the hs or whatever in ur mind.i had the very same expereince as a young man.i thought too i had sinned the unforgivable and was tormented by it for two yrs.a weird sort of inner tourettes for me.plus i thought i was demonised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creative Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 @RenissanceWoman I know Christianity is a plague – I know many friends who go-to Christian events to meet a girl and to be honest it’s easier to date a Non-Christian than it is for both parties to try and keep up the ‘Christian’ view when they aren’t in Church. One of my friends has been rejected and spoken about by many Christians and generally when he walks towards a group of people most people disperse or ether say ‘Here He Comes’. That is absolutely sick, Because this person then thinks that he is not as spiritual as everyone else because they are having ‘Fellowship’. You are completely correct about self-review, You always think it’s your fault. Yet everyone in Church circles has probably been through the same as you but are just afraid of being ‘Black Listed’ by other Christians if the admit to it. It’s odd that we Rejoice when we feel God is there but blame ourselves when he’s not there. What type of mind trick is that. Basically God is to get all the Glory even when he let you suffer. And do you not notice the worst times with Religion were probably not even worth the benefit that some ‘God’ gave you exchange. Like what the Fuck is that how does he know you, I found that with Christians online about the Holy Spirit or Demons like how the fuck. If you make them sound identical then are my really in the wrong for saying according to what knowledge I have that they share similar traits. I do feel that being free is like an adrenaline rush as right now I feel not tied to any SkyGod meaning I can life life and do things as a I please rather than being bound to his rules. E.g. although I still have morales – Turning the other cheek is a lot harder when you know that you don’t have to. Actually my minister was quite helpful in my de-conversion he actually fixed some broken knowledge that lead me to be an atheist and solidified it for me. E.g. Because I see A + C = D he showed me the reason why it’s like that so I could feel more sure. Even if god would exist i would not worship him. You know why? Because he is an asshole . (Judge him not by what people say about him but by what he does (in the bible) and you will see what i mean). You have better morals being a Xtian then when you where a Christian (as christians take there morals from a immoral book). And the last thing Christians have is a monopoly on morals (aldo they tend to believe that). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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