cspanther Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I absolutely hate the fact that my atheism (or non-Christian status) prevents many women from considering a serious relationship with me, especially when there is otherwise a strong foundation of compatibility and thus potential for deep connection. This triggers a piercing sense of waste! Recently, I met an awesome girl. We compliment each other on numerous levels--temperament, personality, recreational interests, personal style, relationship values, etc. . . The chemistry is intense. On paper, we are a perfect match. But because I'm not a Christian, despite our "soul-mate" status, she continues to resist the urge to take me out of the friend-zone. Intimacy (in the form of romance or friendship) makes life worth living, and I'm f-ing pissed that I've lost sooo much of it in the name of religion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted October 30, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted October 30, 2013 The best women are atheists. Don't settle for less. Of course Pagan chicks are pretty interesting.... Welcome to Ex-C! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gamecock1973 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Let me tell you from experience that you probably don't want a "soul mate" who is a strong enough christian to resist all that chemistry between you for an idealogical position. It won't make for a happy life together in the long run. It sucks it isn't working out with this girl who you are obviously crazy for, but in the long run most people find that you will GAIN much more in terms of intimacy and healthy relationships by being an atheist. The hardest part of my deconversion process was realizing that my life was going to be miserable if I stayed in the same social circles (nearly all christian). I had to essentially start a new life and find new friends, which was difficult at first. But once I did that, my quality of life soared exponentially! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Pagan women couldn't care less what you believe as long as you respect their beliefs (practices, whatever) so you have agnostic women, buddhists, pagan women...Shinto, Voodoo, Hoodoo, material satanists, humanists, some nominal christian women... to pick from.. nominal catholics too, universalists, new agers (lots of those around) there's more than just atheist women to choose from - though Florduh is right. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentLoner Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Funny thing, I just read this the other day in an advice blog for an online dating site: Consider becoming an atheist Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say. http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Run away from the fundies dude! She will never, ever stop trying to "save" you so long as she's a fundamental (and I do mean "mental") Christian. Good advice from everyone else above. There are plenty of women with whom you can be compatible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milesaway Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I've often thought the same thing, only in reverse as a male repellent, enough that I wondered (VERY briefly) if going back and trying harder this time would work. Of course I already had the answer to that question. Anyways, I met this guy who was evasive enough that I couldn't tell whether or not he was religious, he mentioned it in a way that I figured he was kidding around and whatnot. Come to find out later that I was dealing with a bona-fide batshit fundy, and I cut it off right then and there. The flattery from him when he called sent up a huge red flag, complete with all the xtian buzzwords. I went to the dating site he was from (also of which I am no longer a member), and after looking at who was available under different religions, lo and behold there he was when I checked the xtian option. I would have had more respect for him had he been upfront, but nope. The fact that he lied to me by omission was enough to make me write him off. I was talking about him to this guy I've been in contact with for almost a month now, and he said I dodged a bullet. The more I think about it, the more I agree. And I think the same is true for you. I'm thinking you dodged a bullet with her, as painful as it is to think about. It really pisses me off that religion destroys relationships as badly as it does. Leave it to religion and superstition to ruin everything, eh? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 There is a way out of the friend zone? Pray tell (ha ha), what is it? That said, if you find your atheism is the only thing "repelling the chicks", you're not the biggest loser - seems to me that as soon as it turns out you're not a greedy bragging douchebag you won't get any women at all. But yeah, why would you want any gal who's stuck in the cult? There's a guarantee for disaster down the road in that case... I'd think you're better off without that for sure. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Tell her your penis is a xian and she should get to know him. mwc 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnceConvinced Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Or perhaps even the wrong country. Even Christian women with atheist boyfriends/husbands is not all the uncommon here in New Zealand. My current girlfriend is a Christian and she knew I was an ex-Christian before we became a couple. She even got offended at some of the negative comments I made about Christianity. Now it's just a topic we tend to steer clear of. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I agree with milesaway's term: you dodged a bullet. Just scan down through some of the topics here, and you'll see plenty of threads about people who are "unequally yoked." At least you know up front. Looking back over my own experience, I can tell you that I have four guy friends (all professional colleagues who became friends due to our common ethics, goals, and time spent together in small spaces meeting annoying deadlines, lol) who are all atheists of some sort. I have known all of them for over 10 years each. They were friends with me in my fundy phase, and they were the only ones who stuck by me while my church was abusing me, offered comfort and support as I deconverted, and still chat with me on a regular basis. All of my church friends (but one) have fallen away, quite painfully. Atheists make the best friends. Bar none. Keep looking. On another note, keep in mind that being her friend (with boundaries) could work out best for her (and maybe you?). She sees that you have so much in common, that you are a decent guy, that you are a better friend than her fundies, and yet you are atheist. That plants a seed in her. I know it did for me with my guy friends. My atheist friends are the only ones with the "peace that passes aunderstanding," for example. Why the hell was I not finding that in christianity? And why are my conversations with them so much more interesting and soul-affirming than my church "friends"? I'm not saying you should hold out for her to deconvert. But one day she may have doubts, and you will be an inspiration for her. Even if your friendship fades away, you are the seed in her that it's ok to doubt, and even fall away. Maybe that will never happen, but you might be "saving" someone and not even know it. Just a thought. In the meantime, move on to someone else who suits you. You will find her! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Depending on where you are, the term "atheist" can carry a hell of a lot of baggage that may well be largely unjustified bullshit... but it's there just the same. Personally I feel no obligation to take on that baggage, 'fight the good fight', etc. So if the subject of religion comes up among people that I dont particularly want to discuss it with - I just say that I'm not religious. If they press the issue and still want to talk about it (and if I don't), I just tell them that I'm not interested in that kind of thing. Some might find this less than honest - and that's their business. But I'm not bound by Jesus to preach some gospel or stick up for my lack of beliefs. I'll do that when and where I feel like it - and I'll avoid the subject when and where I feel like it. IMO it's nobody's business but my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babylonian Dream Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 The best women are atheists. Don't settle for less. Of course Pagan chicks are pretty interesting.... Welcome to Ex-C! So true! You're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Let me tell you from experience that you probably don't want a "soul mate" who is a strong enough christian to resist all that chemistry between you for an idealogical position. It won't make for a happy life together in the long run. It sucks it isn't working out with this girl who you are obviously crazy for, but in the long run most people find that you will GAIN much more in terms of intimacy and healthy relationships by being an atheist. The hardest part of my deconversion process was realizing that my life was going to be miserable if I stayed in the same social circles (nearly all christian). I had to essentially start a new life and find new friends, which was difficult at first. But once I did that, my quality of life soared exponentially! I'm still learning this. One date once broke down crying that she lost her virginity before marriage, I just wondered how she'd view me, this unmarried unvirgin man... The frustration has gotten me into a state where, unless I find someone who fits the ticket, I'm done dating. Period. Not even looking anymore. Funny thing, I just read this the other day in an advice blog for an online dating site: Consider becoming an atheist Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say. http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/ There is so much wrong with all their polls, the religion one may be the worse, and being selfeffacing (showing low selfconfidence) being the second. My best advice is to forget the polls and statistics, and go for being yourself and find people who agree with you and will love you for who you are. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 What a fallaceial argument. BTW all girls like to do it. Persistence pays dividends. If you really care become friends, the benefits may come later. Lasting relationships are in fact more than sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I still wonder what that "way out of the friend zone" might be. For all my life, all the women who cared to talk to me about that topic told me that no, you don't go beyond an already-established friendship for risk of ruining it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Let me tell you from experience that you probably don't want a "soul mate" who is a strong enough christian to resist all that chemistry between you for an idealogical position. It won't make for a happy life together in the long run. It sucks it isn't working out with this girl who you are obviously crazy for, but in the long run most people find that you will GAIN much more in terms of intimacy and healthy relationships by being an atheist. The hardest part of my deconversion process was realizing that my life was going to be miserable if I stayed in the same social circles (nearly all christian). I had to essentially start a new life and find new friends, which was difficult at first. But once I did that, my quality of life soared exponentially! This x 1000 To the OP, have you examined whether some hangups in your own life are leading you to be attracted to Christian women? Or why it is, when you observe that a woman is a practicing and devout Christian, you can't cut your losses and walk before you become invested? When I first deconverted, I wasn't ready to accept that atheist/non-religious men were going to be the best matches for me. Even though I'd accepted that atheism reflected my own beliefs best, I'd had over 20 years of indoctrination and brainwashing to lose. In specific, I had a hard time feeling like someone who hadn't gone through that Christian experience would ever be able to understand me. I ended up walking away from a few relationships - one from a really great LDS guy who I still respect despite his beliefs, and one from a fence-sitter ex-Christian who still had a lot of Christian values and entanglements. There's no "friend zone". There are only women who wrongly think they're being polite by not bluntly telling you they're not interested in dating you and aren't going to be, and the men who keep bothering them. A woman isn't "resisting" taking you out of the friend zone. By not dating or having sex with you, she's telling you that she doesn't want to date or have sex with you. Don't waste time with someone who doesn't want to be with you - find someone who is interested in dating/sex from day one. Yes, sometimes friendships turn into relationships, but not because one person is creeping around the other hoping for it. It's also a turn-off to other women you might meet. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Clara your friend zone comment doesn't exactly jibe with what I learned in my life... but I guess that should be another thread, don't want to derail this one further Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babylonian Dream Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 If I get friendzoned, I just accept her wishes. If she changes her mind, I usually keep her in the friendzone, regardless of what she now thinks. I don't get the point in trying to make it otherwise. If I'm not your type now, I'm not your type later. I'm not settled for as a second option to someone who feels they can't get anything else. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrGuitar Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I weep because of all the wonderful women I turned down when single because they werent Christians..threw away some awesome sex Im sure...oh well... spilled milk As for this girl...if she is a christian and wont date you, why is that bad? You want to get hooked up with a bible thumping religionist who happens to be hot? Trust me my ex was and is hot..she turns heads still ..didnt matter.... the religion thing was a huge deal killer eventually...hyper religiosity is a real turn off for me..just sayin... Better find a secular chick you think is attractive instead.... trust me youll get laid without the marriage yoke =)) and she wont nag you about reading the newspaper before the bible.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pantophobia Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 It will also help if you give up on problematic concepts like "soul mate" and "friendzone" and even "secular." Those things are going to vacillate in definition from one person to the next, and often get defined in either/or Christian/non-Christian terms. Concentrate on finding new and improved places to meet people, in general, and the percentage of compatible women will increase accordingly. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 "There's no "friend zone". There are only women who wrongly think they're being polite by not bluntly telling you they're not interested in dating you and aren't going to be, and the men who keep bothering them. A woman isn't "resisting" taking you out of the friend zone. By not dating or having sex with you, she's telling you that she doesn't want to date or have sex with you. Don't waste time with someone who doesn't want to be with you - find someone who is interested in dating/sex from day one. Yes, sometimes friendships turn into relationships, but not because one person is creeping around the other hoping for it. It's also a turn-off to other women you might meet." Except in rare cases.. this is true. I'm sure it applies to christian and atheist women equally. I know when I'm interested in dating a guy, romantically, within the first hour of meeting him. I think it's biochemical, but not sure about that. (I might not make it clear though, depending on the situation.. like he's unavailable for whatever reason, or I'm being a chickenwuss, or I have things going on in my life that make ME unavailable at that time) I have a lot of male friends though... I prefer them to women friends mostly. I won't ever date them. I actually value friendship over romantic relationships. Sorry guys, that's the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creative Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 The best women are atheists. Don't settle for less. Of course Pagan chicks are pretty interesting.... Welcome to Ex-C! So true. Seriously you see what religion does... now imagine being stuck with a woman that drags you to church, insists on mentally abusing your unborn children etc. Do you want that? What i am trying to say is... you have it easy.... Being married for X years and then 1 of the turning atheist is much bigger deal. Welcome to Ex-c Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 That sucks. But yeah, what other people said--go hang out with Atheists Anonymous or some other cool group. They're bound to have someone you would like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babylonian Dream Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 It will also help if you give up on problematic concepts like "soul mate" and "friendzone" and even "secular." Those things are going to vacillate in definition from one person to the next, and often get defined in either/or Christian/non-Christian terms. Concentrate on finding new and improved places to meet people, in general, and the percentage of compatible women will increase accordingly. This is true. It also helps to understand a simple fact: You aren't going to be attracted to most people. That being said, others are no different. Just because you're attracted to her, doesn't mean she'll be attracted to you. Find someone who feels mutually attracted to you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cspanther Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 I really appreciate the feedback given thus far!!! That being said, allow me to correct what may be a faulty perception; namely, that she does not have or has not expressed any romantic interest in me beyond a platonic relationship. To the contrary, she has indeed shown some interest, but ultimately refrains from exploring this interest based on my atheism. The fact that I peak her romantic curiosity fuels my hope that said commonalities, which are numerous and rich, would eventually persuade her to relax her platonic boundaries. The other potential misperception is that her approach to Christianity is fully fundamentalist, but this is not the case. Her lifestyle is inconsistent with fundamentalism on many levels (e.g., celebrates Halloween, supports divorce, consumes secular entertainment, engages in sex before marriage, etc. . . ). This fact also fuels hope that she would eventually compromise her boundaries and make an exception for my atheism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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