Letter To Church?

[claireann]

I was wondering if anyone did anything to let their church know that they were no longer christians? I ask because I come from a very close-knit congregation of just 40 people or so, most of whom I've known for more than 30 years and who have been a huge part of my life. They have been there on call if I needed them at any time and are really lovely people. Over the past few years as I have been deconverting my attendance has just faded away but I'm sure they think I'm just busy and am still a member. It feels strange to just leave it hanging like that. My parents and my brother and his wife are all still members and they are not likely to tell anyone because they would see it as my story to tell. I would like to tell the church thank you for everything and to make sure they know it wasn't because of anything that they did. If there was no religion involved I'd still be happy to go along and see everyone on Sundays for a chat and a cup of tea but feel that I just don't belong there anymore.

 

I have considered writing a letter but when I try to find words nothing sounds right. Did any of you make any kind of farewell or explanation to your old church? How did you do it? 

[Lilith666]

Nope. I figure they knew I'm not Xian because I kept asking questions about the bible in class (kind of challenging god) and because I refused to sing during the service. I couldn't bring myself to fake it. After awhile I just stopped coming.  EDIT: Maybe I should mention that my parents forced me to attend church. Didn't want anyone to think I had been going there on my own and then got belligerent.

I hope it goes well for you. It sounds like cutting yourself off from these people will be hard. Good luck.

[mymistake]

Let it hang.  Telling them is like painting a big bull's eye on your forehead and saying "Come bug me!".  Your old church kept your offering money.  That should be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[HymenaeusAlexander]

Funny you should mention this. It was a year ago today that my wife and I delivered a letter to one of the members of our church's session of elders informing them that we were leaving the church because we no longer believed the basic tenets of Christianity. To my knowledge they did not share the specific contents of the letter with the rest of the congregation, even though they did inform them of our departure at a congregational meeting the following week when they placed us under “church discipline.”

 

It sounds like your situation is a bit different, though. We were highly involved in the church at that point and it was simply an effective way of informing the people who needed to know. We couldn't really do like you did and just kind of fade away gently into the night. We did let them know in the letter that we harbored no ill will toward anyone and we expressed a desire to continue our friendships with people. We were naïve and optimistically thought that would happen. If I had to do it all over again, I would do some things differently.

 

It might be a good idea if you think it’s going to simplify things for you in the event that word gets out that you’ve left the faith entirely. It does allow you to frame the narrative and limits the gossip factor a bit. Other than that, I don’t see too many other positives.

 

Your mileage may vary, but for anyone considering doing what you are speaking of I would recommend the following:

• Send the letter to as many people as you want to know, not just clergy or leadership. This allows you to have some control over the information instead of having to rely on your story being filtered through others, which will certainly lead to its distortion.
• Don’t include anything specific that attacks Christian doctrine, as this will likely only entrench them in their beliefs thanks to the backfire effect. Your departure alone is going to create enough cognitive dissonance as it is.
• Don’t be surprised when your letter is taken as an invitation to question you or even harass you with all kinds of accusations about “what’s really going on.”
• Don’t be surprised when people ignore its contents and create their own explanation for your departure anyway.
• If your church is one that practices “church discipline” send a letter to them that formally requests removal from the roll and asks for confirmation that this has been done. Not sure about other countries, but in the States you can threaten to sue a church for harassment if you request removal from the roll and they ignore that request and proceed to send you letters about how they’re disciplining you and holding congregational meetings about you and stuff.

[ClaraOlive]

I considered writing a letter asking for tithe money back that my ex-husband had given them out of my paycheck deposit in our shared bank account (when we closed the bank account and divided the money via spreadsheet, there were subtractions for prior utilities, personal spending and tithes). I was going to tell the church why I wanted the money and why I wouldn't be returning. I could have asked for it back, I could have sued my ex-husband instead of going through a mediator, I could have spent money on a shared credit card that hadn't been closed yet...

 

The amount of money wasn't enough to hurt me financially, and I decided that Jesus had one good piece of advice - pearls before swine and so forth. If anyone doesn't want to listen to you, wipe the dust from your feet and go on to the next town. I wiped the dust from my feet.

 

Your (the OP's situation) is different since you have good feelings toward your church, but when you tell them you're no longer a Christian, the main thing they'll probably see is a rejection, not a thank you. I would put it in the past, and only share with the close friends from there you still see outside of church. The people who don't want to still be your friend after you've left don't want to hear it.

[midniterider]

I was wondering if anyone did anything to let their church know that they were no longer christians? I ask because I come from a very close-knit congregation of just 40 people or so, most of whom I've known for more than 30 years and who have been a huge part of my life. They have been there on call if I needed them at any time and are really lovely people. Over the past few years as I have been deconverting my attendance has just faded away but I'm sure they think I'm just busy and am still a member. It feels strange to just leave it hanging like that. My parents and my brother and his wife are all still members and they are not likely to tell anyone because they would see it as my story to tell. I would like to tell the church thank you for everything and to make sure they know it wasn't because of anything that they did. If there was no religion involved I'd still be happy to go along and see everyone on Sundays for a chat and a cup of tea but feel that I just don't belong there anymore.

 

I have considered writing a letter but when I try to find words nothing sounds right. Did any of you make any kind of farewell or explanation to your old church? How did you do it? 

 

I just stopped going. But I'd divorced my then wife who was still going to that church so it would have been weird for me to keep going there.

 

 How much contact have you had with these close knit people since you quit going to church? Do they ever contact you? If not, why bother saying goodbye.

[milesaway]

My situation was different, since I could quietly slip away after dotting the last i and crossing the last t. The one in charge of newcomers was pissed that I left, and she tried to shoot me down at every turn and belittle me. I felt like I owed it to her to let her know I wouldn't be joining the church instead of keeping her in the dark and walking away. She was in fact part of the problem, and I'd had more than enough of her nasty attitude. I kept it polite and simple by citing family reasons and not feeling ready for this.

 

That said, I personally wouldn't send any letter to the church. You're under no obligation to explain yourself to them. Were they at all concerned about your dwindling attendance? It doesn't sound like they were, unless I'm forgetting something here. They've had their chance to care, and they blew it. As far as the gossipers, let them have their fun. It'll just make them look twice as asinine since they're gossiping about someone in their absence. I know there are people at the last church I visited who have been talking shit about me. Oh well. They'll move on to new material sooner or later. If you think it would help, you could write a letter but never send it. That's what I did.

 

Sometimes I regret leaving some of the nicer people there hanging, but I know that my business there is finished. There were some things left unsaid, but I know they wouldn't listen. I was visibly struggling during those last few months, and instead of asking and trying to help, they actively avoided me. They couldn't be bothered with me outside of church, and by the time a couple of them jumped at the chance to help, it was too little, too late.

[florduh]

There is nothing to be gained by writing a farewell letter.

[mwc]

     The only thing I told my old church was that I had moved and wouldn't be attending anymore (and this was because they discovered my new phone number and kept calling and calling and calling and calling).  I didn't think I owed them anything and would have never said anything to them at all (but I value my peace and quiet and ignoring them wasn't working).

 

     So if they are bothering you then tell them the very least amount of info to make them go away otherwise say nothing at all and just leave the whole mess in the past where it belongs.

 

          mwc

[MissingLink]

Like you, Claireann, I really bore no ill will towards the people in my old church.  In fact, I went to such a liberal, warm and fuzzy church that I think it delayed my deconversion.  (No matter how warm and fuzzy, the fact is that religion is still false).

 

When I finally stopped going to church, I only felt guilty because of one friend with whom I had taught Sunday school, led retreats, participated in the praise team, etc., etc.  I didn't want her to think that she had done something wrong.  We would occasionally run into each other in public, and she emailed a couple of times to ask how I was doing.  I felt I owed it to her to tell her what had happened.  I finally emailed and told her that I now considered myself a secular humanist. (That was easier than using the "A" word!)  We ended up going out to eat, but never once discussed religion.  That's been a month ago now, and I haven't heard from her since.  I don't know if we'll continue to socialize in the future, but I felt a tremendous relief knowing that she knows the truth.

 

On the flip side, I have run into 2 members of my former church on 2 different occasions in just the last week.  Each of them has given me the old, " We MISS seeing you at church!  Are you going somewhere else now?"  I'm not going to lie, so I said, no, and that life had just changed.  But I didn't go any further than that. It wasn't the time or place for a huge discussion. 

 

Living in a small town does make it difficult to leave.  I often wish I could just pick up and move - even one town over - and not have to face the questioning looks and words.  It would be a lot easier! 

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.  I haven't canceled my membership at my former church either.  My mother and brother still attend regularly.  If I'm not going and not giving them any money, I guess it doesn't matter that I'm on their membership roll.  "No skin off my nose" as it were....but to each his own.....

[pawn]

I took my letter and put it in a Molotov cocktail, which I threw through the church stain-glass window.

Kidding...

[RipVanWinkle]

Why tell them anything? The closer you were with the church members, the more aggressive they will be in trying to win you back. And that is very unpleasant. Give yourself a break and slip away during the night. Then you can figure out how to evade telling individual members when they ask you. I for one don't talk with Xtians about my beliefs, or lack thereof. It's private and that's what I tell them. bill

[Idontevenknow99]

 

Living in a small town does make it difficult to leave.  I often wish I could just pick up and move - even one town over - and not have to face the questioning looks and words.  It would be a lot easier! 

 

 

 

This is the case with me; I live in an old suburb-y area, and I can't exactly skip town right now. I'm in school, and unable to find myself an affordable, quality place. Matter of fact, I saw someone yesterday drive by and honk at me. I waved, but it was as if nothing had changed and that's what's nice, is that you don't have the type of church members who shun or ignore you. But it is awkward and makes for an uncomfortable situation. I do wish I could just move on.

[slave2six]

There is nothing to be gained by a letter to your church. It will only ignite a firestorm that you don't want to have to deal with. Or worse, no one will care. Either way, leave that particular hydrogen bomb alone.

 

Besides that, I have found that such letters are intended for the writer to "bring closure" or something. In my experience, the best path to deconversion is to pursue something non-churchy that appeals to your intellect and personality. All this Ex-C stuff will be with you for a long time. It's easier to deal with when you have something in your life that replaces the religious activities to which you are accustomed.

 

And when you need to rant or cry or laugh or poke fun, you will always have us.

[Blue elephant]

I reckon the best way to deal with all of this is just to start living your new life!

 

As for letter to the old church, the only time you would want to do that is if you think it will reduce the harassment.

 

These churches that go in for the whole "church discipline "thing" - it seems like this is really just a way to air your dirty linen in their public forum. Some member have apparently found the correct words and threats to head this off.

[Lilith666]

<p>

 

Funny you should mention this. It was a year ago today that my wife and I delivered a letter to one of the members of our church's session of elders informing them that we were leaving the church because we no longer believed the basic tenets of Christianity. To my knowledge they did not share the specific contents of the letter with the rest of the congregation, even though they did inform them of our departure at a congregational meeting the following week when they placed us under “church discipline.”

 

You left and then they tried to "discipline" you? That's cute.

[milesaway]

Like you, Claireann, I really bore no ill will towards the people in my old church.  In fact, I went to such a liberal, warm and fuzzy church that I think it delayed my deconversion.  (No matter how warm and fuzzy, the fact is that religion is still false).

 

When I finally stopped going to church, I only felt guilty because of one friend with whom I had taught Sunday school, led retreats, participated in the praise team, etc., etc.  I didn't want her to think that she had done something wrong.  We would occasionally run into each other in public, and she emailed a couple of times to ask how I was doing.  I felt I owed it to her to tell her what had happened.  I finally emailed and told her that I now considered myself a secular humanist. (That was easier than using the "A" word!)  We ended up going out to eat, but never once discussed religion.  That's been a month ago now, and I haven't heard from her since.  I don't know if we'll continue to socialize in the future, but I felt a tremendous relief knowing that she knows the truth.

 

On the flip side, I have run into 2 members of my former church on 2 different occasions in just the last week.  Each of them has given me the old, " We MISS seeing you at church!  Are you going somewhere else now?"  I'm not going to lie, so I said, no, and that life had just changed.  But I didn't go any further than that. It wasn't the time or place for a huge discussion. 

 

Living in a small town does make it difficult to leave.  I often wish I could just pick up and move - even one town over - and not have to face the questioning looks and words.  It would be a lot easier! 

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.  I haven't canceled my membership at my former church either.  My mother and brother still attend regularly.  If I'm not going and not giving them any money, I guess it doesn't matter that I'm on their membership roll.  "No skin off my nose" as it were....but to each his own.....

 

I agree with what you said about the denomination having an impact on deconversion. I know if I had tried to duke it out at the liberal, warm, fuzzy feel-good one from three churches ago, I'd probably still be in religion even now. I think it's because it's more palatable to seekers than a conservative, cold, uber-batshit fundy type church. Doesn't make it any less of a sham. Alternatively, my last attempt at church was of the conservative fundy variety. I think it accelerated my deconversion, problems with other congregation members notwithstanding.

 

The one I ran into from my last church at the farmer's market last month only said the basic niceties, so-and-so and I really miss you, how have you been doing, that kind of thing. Our conversation didn't make it as far as yours did, since like you said, it was neither the time or the place to talk about specifics. Not that she would have listened in the first place. I've ran into a couple others, one of whom was from a different church of the same denomination, and the other a convert from years ago. The one from the different church could barely talk to me, and the other one wouldn't even look my direction.

 

I figure if they miss you as badly as they say they do, what's stopping them from calling you up and asking if you wanna hang out or go somewhere, catch up on things? Their own fears are what's stopping them. You probably won't ever hear from your friend again, as sad as it is to think about. If someone like you could lose their faith, what's to say she won't lose hers all the same? Your honesty is commendable, and remember that your friend's behavior has nothing to do you personally. It really pisses me off that so many good relationships are destroyed over a bunch of age-old mythologies.

[claireann]

Thank you all for the great advice, where I stand now is that I agree that a letter will probably do more harm than good so I won't be doing that. I have told my pastor which was quite a sad experience and so the cat is out of the bag as he will no doubt tell others in the congregation. In fact my Dad told me last night that it was discussed briefly at a Tuesday night Bible Study. These people are good people but they are also very respectful of boundaries and so I don't expect to have them knocking down my door. It seems so strange and sad to think that this big chunk of my life is going to fade away but I think that's just the way it has to be. For me the whole reason to get together and meet with them is now gone and for them I'm a living reminder that people can lose their faith and if it could happen to me it could happen to them. The elephant in the room is way too big for both of us.

 

Like you, Claireann, I really bore no ill will towards the people in my old church.  In fact, I went to such a liberal, warm and fuzzy church that I think it delayed my deconversion.  (No matter how warm and fuzzy, the fact is that religion is still false).

 

MissingLink this really resonated with me because I have thought this many times since my deconversion. If I'd been in a harsh hardline judgmental group I would have deconverted years ago. A strange regret to have!

[HymenaeusAlexander]

 

<p>

 

Funny you should mention this. It was a year ago today that my wife and I delivered a letter to one of the members of our church's session of elders informing them that we were leaving the church because we no longer believed the basic tenets of Christianity. To my knowledge they did not share the specific contents of the letter with the rest of the congregation, even though they did inform them of our departure at a congregational meeting the following week when they placed us under “church discipline.”

You left and then they tried to "discipline" you? That's cute.

 

We thought it was pretty cute too eventually.

 

Every time I would have email exchanges with the pastor or assistant pastor or have a phone conversation with one of them they would talk about how they were "continuing to move forward with church discipline." I thought it was kind of creepy at first until my wife and I had a good laugh a few weeks later when they sent us an official-looking letter informing us that we were no longer allowed to have anymore of their shots of cheap wine or bite-sized bread.

 

That was followed several months afterward by a rather nondescript letter informing us that we had been removed from the church roll. I was bummed because I wanted a more official-looking document that had something like "Letter of Excommunication" across the top in some kind of medieval-looking font so I could frame it. I did get kind of a sense of closure from it, though.

[RenaissanceWoman]

It's funny how they take all that so seriously, as if it's real and means something. I see the humor in it now too. Oooo, you're officially out of their little club now. Any pain that would have caused you (if they had removed you while you were happy members, for example), you already lived through and withdrew yourselves. What the hell is their point at this stage? "Oh, you reject us? Well we reject you too. Take that!"

 

Silly.

[LivingLife]

If you need to get it off your chest, write the letter and save it but do not send it.

 

My ex pastor heard through the grapevine and sent me an email with a citation I had posted on the church's website I designed for them and asked me what about this. I cannot remember if I replied or did a long reply and did not send it.

 

He did ask to friend me on FB but I never accepted it. I have some contact occasionally with members but most still respect me.

 

Generally, I share little on FB of my unbelief but I did comment on others and my likes of atheist pages are public. I do not actively push atheism in RL, only on the webs.

[milesaway]

It's funny how they take all that so seriously, as if it's real and means something. I see the humor in it now too. Oooo, you're officially out of their little club now. Any pain that would have caused you (if they had removed you while you were happy members, for example), you already lived through and withdrew yourselves. What the hell is their point at this stage? "Oh, you reject us? Well we reject you too. Take that!"

 

Silly.

 

And childish to boot. Seriously, I would expect that shit from a middle school clique, not a bunch of adults. Then again, xtianity seems to infantilize people, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

 

If you need to get it off your chest, write the letter and save it but do not send it.

 

Good idea. I did that very thing not too long after I walked out of that hellhole of a church for the last time. It was cathartic, and I'm not sure if i'll ever show it to anyone. I rehashed some pretty painful stuff in it.

[xliar]

Write that letter Claireann. Take your time. Don't hold nothing back. Be specific, and candid, and when you are finished and sure you have left nothing out,,,,throw it in the trash. Done,,,good job!

[claireann]

Write that letter Claireann. Take your time. Don't hold nothing back. Be specific, and candid, and when you are finished and sure you have left nothing out,,,,throw it in the trash. Done,,,good job!

 

Thanks xliar, I think I will do this, I just feel like I'm bursting at the seams to get so many things out but nobody's asking.