Coming Out To A Co-Worker Advice

[bruisermel]

I am very fortunate to be in a job I love with co-workers I love that are truly beautiful people. However, many of them are quite outspoken about their Christian faith and I used to partake in these conversations back when I was a Christian (I started at this job over 5 years ago, have been atheist for 1 year). 

Christian talk still comes up now and then (mostly asking me for prayers for particular things, thus far I have been smiling and nodding politely), but today I received a long email from a coworker telling me about a shrine going up to a saint at her church and how beautiful it is and would I consider donating money and she is so excited to be able to share her faith with me and that with Jesus anything is possible and on and on (for any ex-Christians you may have had a friend like this, or been like this yourself in the past  she is such an encouraging uplifting lady in her life--she walks the walk for sure...the most selfless person I have met--and that was the intent of her email to be encouraging and uplifting but nonetheless...)...

soooooo, I am wondering how to deal with this now. The polite nodding and smiling with prayer requests I was hoping would buy me more time while I figured out if and when to come out to these ladies (they are not CLOSE friends, but definitely more than acquaintances), but now I think I owe it to myself and her to tell her where I stand. Has anyone had experience in this or found a nice/respectful way to get the message across without making her think I think she is stupid (I haven't really "come out" to anyone in my life yet who's known me as Christian, except my husband and he's long been agnostic so all good there...but I really love these people and while I think their beliefs are stupid I don't want them to think I think they are stupid...is it even possible to achieve this??)

Sorry for the ramble, would appreciate any feedback, thanks 

[mymistake]

Welcome bruisemel.

 

That is a tough one but also a common problem.  Personally I prefer to keep the news to myself.  You just never know what a fundie will do.  As awkward as the conversation are now how would it be if you became everybody's project to convert?  But if you do tell them you still don't have to talk about religion.  You can let them know you don't want to talk about it and you don't mind whatever religious view they have.  Remind them that you are not trying to change their views.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

"I'd love to donate to your shrine, but with the holidays coming up and all..." would buy you some more time, at least until the end of the year. 

 

Of course, if you really do believe that now is the best time to come out to her, then be firm yet gentle.  Understand that she will most likely be blind-sided and confused and that her "fight of flight" instinct could very well go into hyper-drive, so be prepared either for the possibility that she might shun you (flight), or go on the defensive (fight).  Also, if she is as sweet as you say, it's likely that she will be truly heartbroken and that seeing her like that might conjure up in you some of the old fashioned guilt upon which religion thrives; be emotionally and mentally prepared.  You may want to consider telling the entire group at the same time, because they are likely to find out from her soon enough, and asking her to keep it a secret will put her under even more duress than your admission of disbelief has already done.  You may be tempted to offer apologies or other forms of emotional comfort to her, but you should resist these.  The truth is what it is and you needn't apologize for it.  Lastly, after you have said your peace, leave it alone for a while; give her time to process the news and, ideally, let her be the first to broach the subject after she has come to terms with it.

 

I hope this helps, and you are among friends here.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Say you have already devoted funds to the Typhoon victims..... hint hint hint to her and her church's priorities.

[slave2six]

...with Jesus anything is possible...

 

She should amend this to "with Jesus and your tax-deductible donation, anything is possible..."

 

Honestly, "coming out" at work is probably a bad move if most of your coworkers are Christian. You can't escape work very easily. I have a coworker who I have not come out to in the past four years, not because I think he would react badly but because it's work and my private choices are none of his business.

 

I like Zomberina's suggestion, honestly.

[bruisermel]

Thanks for the feedback! Thankfully this is a co-worker I see less than any other co-worker (once a month as opposed to every day). So I ended up responding to her email, I feel as good as I can about having sent it, we'll see what happens...I should have gotten a second opinion from you smarty pants here before sending it, but ah well too late now Here's what I did:

 

Hi *****

 

You just make me smile, you are such a heart-felt thoughtful person full of joy and love! I appreciate you thinking of us in sending this email.

 

Having said that, this is probably going to come as a shock and surprise to you (believe me, it came as a shock and surprise to me as my thoughts/beliefs evolved, I never imagined leaving the Christian faith I once loved so much!), but I felt it only fair in light of our prior faith-filled conversations to let you know I am not a believer in/follower of the Christian faith, and in fact identify as atheist.

 

I made this decision about a year ago after years of soul-searching, praying, reading, researching, etc. As you can imagine it was not a decision I took lightly given my LONG history of following Jesus, but is a decision I am happy/content/at peace with and have no second thoughts/doubts about. It is really the only world view that makes sense to me.

 

I will just leave it at that for now...I am more than happy/willing to further discuss if you are interested, but if not that's cool too

 

Thanks for all you do to share yourself and love with this world and make it a better place!

 

Talk soon,

****

[xliar]

I like it. I think it's clean,,you know? Not sQUeeaky clean,,,, but that's good.

[midniterider]

I am very fortunate to be in a job I love with co-workers I love that are truly beautiful people. However, many of them are quite outspoken about their Christian faith and I used to partake in these conversations back when I was a Christian (I started at this job over 5 years ago, have been atheist for 1 year). 

 

Christian talk still comes up now and then (mostly asking me for prayers for particular things, thus far I have been smiling and nodding politely), but today I received a long email from a coworker telling me about a shrine going up to a saint at her church and how beautiful it is and would I consider donating money and she is so excited to be able to share her faith with me and that with Jesus anything is possible and on and on (for any ex-Christians you may have had a friend like this, or been like this yourself in the past  she is such an encouraging uplifting lady in her life--she walks the walk for sure...the most selfless person I have met--and that was the intent of her email to be encouraging and uplifting but nonetheless...)...

 

soooooo, I am wondering how to deal with this now. The polite nodding and smiling with prayer requests I was hoping would buy me more time while I figured out if and when to come out to these ladies (they are not CLOSE friends, but definitely more than acquaintances), but now I think I owe it to myself and her to tell her where I stand. Has anyone had experience in this or found a nice/respectful way to get the message across without making her think I think she is stupid (I haven't really "come out" to anyone in my life yet who's known me as Christian, except my husband and he's long been agnostic so all good there...but I really love these people and while I think their beliefs are stupid I don't want them to think I think they are stupid...is it even possible to achieve this??)

 

Sorry for the ramble, would appreciate any feedback, thanks 

 

"Sorry, I just don't have any money to spare at the moment, sorry."

 

No, you don't owe anyone an explanation about your personal life. :-)

 

//

 

oh you spilled the beans...ok nvm. :-)

[Voice]

I wonder if your co-workers would be so beautiful if you came out to them, even in the softest way possible. They could become your enemies, or just waking state nightmares.

If it's just about donations, you can find a way to say kindly that you can't donate.

[RenaissanceWoman]

I don't know how old you are or how many jobs you've had, but let me relate my experience about friends at work. They are not really friends. I used to work inhouse for various ad agencies (I work exclusively at home now), and some of those gigs were several years at a time. I sat next to people and chatted every day. I overheard their personal phone calls, and they mine. We often chatted about that stuff too. We knew a lot about each other. But we never went out after work, and never did anything together outside of work. Some of those work chats were very prolonged, and over time, I felt like they all knew and loved me, and I them. But over time, we move on. Just like many church relationships, out of sight, out of mind. It was a painful realization that once one of us moved on to another job, there were only a few emails, maybe a lunch date, but then nothing more. We were not really friends, and are not in contact at all today. In my 20 years of work life, there are only 3 people that I still have relationships with (out of probably 100), and even those are only texts and emails and the occasional phone call. There are some business-related dealings here and there, with a lot of "how are you? I've missed you" stuff, but then it's back to no contact once the business is done.

 

My point is, don't take it too personally or worry about the friendships too much. While you are there and they are there together, yes, of course, be part of each other's lives. You live with these people about 10 hours a day, and that is a big chunk of your lives. But I'm just saying it's not a real friendship in your real life outside of work and over the course of your whole life.

 

I hope that takes off a little pressure.

[bruisermel]

Thanks again for the feedback, and RenaissanceWoman I appreciate your words and mostly agree (and for what it's worth I'm a 34yo female), and this "co-worker" isn't a close friend by any means, but a step above acquaintance for sure...but I don't think either she or I are going anywhere for a LOOOOOONG time (her husband and I are physicians in the same group and we have fantastic jobs with a long contract and no intention of going anywhere and she is a nurse that mostly works elsewhere but I see her periodically at my job)...and we actually do hang out together outside of work now and then...but mostly I just know given our history together and who she is that Christian chatter will come up a lot and I felt disingenuous continuing to "play along."

 

There is certainly risk for blow-back for the message I sent--our physician group and co-workers are quite tight-knit and most of them go to church with my parents (I am the youngest physician in the group, most of the others are closer to my parents' age) and I am not "out" to my parents yet (I still HATE the thought of them worrying about my soul the rest of their lives...ugh).

 

I am well-aware this COULD change everything and am a little nervous about that, but I also trust (possibly naively) that this "coworker" is truly a good person at heart in spite of her religiosity and won't do anything to jeopardize my satisfaction at work or relationship with my other co-workers. I was willing to take that risk after being tired of a year of politely nodding at Christian commentary with the final blow being the last email she sent that I felt was the perfect opportunity for a response.....so, I guess we'll see.

 

It is so great to have forums like this and no doubt I'll be back (usually as a lurker hahahaha) but as in most areas of life we have to make decisions we are at peace with and can live with, and no surprise that's what I ultimately did here...what I am slowly realizing is this... I don't want to stay in the closet forever...the thought of 30 years from now still living a life of people thinking I'm a Christian makes me kinda sick to my stomach...I think of all the people that have come before me in this world who have contributed to social progress and positive change by coming out of the closet (whether that be the gay closet, the anti-racism closet, the atheist closet, etc) and how brave they are/were...I hope my life can contribute to positive/forward movement in whatever minuscule way it can.

[Mimimom]

Wow, brave lady spilling the beans at work, the place you spend most of your day. I liked how you stated things in your email, I thought it would show her you are still the same kind, wonderful person that you are. From my experience with christians...women especially, and in the workplace, word will spread fast, so I would prepare yourself. A red flag went up to me when you said many of your coworkers attend your parent's church and that you haven't told them yet. I would be concerned about that. You don't want them hearing it from someone else. That would be an extra stinging blow to them. I understand what you mean when you say you hate the thought of them worrying about your soul for the rest of your life. I feel the same way about telling my parents. 

 

If I were you, I would do lots of mental preparation and studying up on the facts of what you do believe now so that you're able to defend yourself....if you choose to that is. You can always simply tell them you won't discuss it....that may not work so well if word gets out to your parents though. Hope I'm wrong and these ladies are more accepting of non believers than most chrisitans....I wouldn't count on it though. Good luck! Let us know how things go...and welcome!

 

Suz

[slave2six]

I'll be interested to hear your follow-up letting us know how she responds to your email. Please keep us updated.

[RenaissanceWoman]

Another thing to keep in mind is that you are probably not supposed to be talking about religion at work anyway, legally I mean. Several years ago a young atheist at the agency I was at, got a heavy dose of pressure from one of the company owners to attend the church where one of his sons was pastor. The young guy actually went to HR, because he wanted something on file in case he mysteriously got fired for not going to church with the guy. Word traveled fast, LOL. But even the Christians at the agency were supportive of the young guy, because they too were sick of the pressure and felt it was inappropriate. The HR lady quietly told the owner he needed to back off, and he did, for everyone. It was so nice. No more fear of meeting with the guy alone, and knowing where the conversation might go. Yuck.

 

Anyway... you probably don't want to go that far, but just keep it in the back of your mind and maybe think of a nice way to bring this up if you start to feel pressured. Such as, "you know, the employee manual actually says we're not supposed to be talking about this, can you believe that? Plus, the company technically has access to all of our emails and could look through them for whatever reason and find such violations, so maybe we should keep it on the down low."

 

Just something to think about.

[DrNo]

I thought your letter was spot on. You were honest about your beliefs without belittling hers, but you also made it clear that you were happy with where you were at. Perfect response IMHO.

[bruisermel]

Thanks again, all. Still no word back from her. I envision her at her bible study asking for prayer and guidance in how to handle this Will keep you posted.

[Voice]

Wow, brave lady spilling the beans at work, the place you spend most of your day. I liked how you stated things in your email, I thought it would show her you are still the same kind, wonderful person that you are. From my experience with christians...women especially, and in the workplace, word will spread fast, so I would prepare yourself. A red flag went up to me when you said many of your coworkers attend your parent's church and that you haven't told them yet. I would be concerned about that. You don't want them hearing it from someone else. That would be an extra stinging blow to them. I understand what you mean when you say you hate the thought of them worrying about your soul for the rest of your life. I feel the same way about telling my parents. 

 

If I were you, I would do lots of mental preparation and studying up on the facts of what you do believe now so that you're able to defend yourself....if you choose to that is. You can always simply tell them you won't discuss it....that may not work so well if word gets out to your parents though. Hope I'm wrong and these ladies are more accepting of non believers than most chrisitans....I wouldn't count on it though. Good luck! Let us know how things go...and welcome!

 

Suz

I tend to agree.

Proceed with extreme caution.

[bruisermel]

Ahhh I got a response today!

 

And don't worry (not that any of you were ) but these conversations do NOT happen on work time or work email, all private/personal stuff.

 

To summarize:

 

She is praying for me, and thinking about me, and praying for me, A LOT. She hopes the Holy Spirit will touch me. My email to her "knocked the wind" out of her. She wants to share a bunch of "stories" with me that she thinks will help guide me back, stories involving her kids, tornados, the catholic church, a few priests and a few saints. But only if I'm willing and wanting to go on a walk with her so she can tell me these things. She doesn't want to push anything on me.

 

Overall, the response was what I expected and what I hoped for in a sense (she hasn't shunned me and she clearly stated she won't force any discussion on me).

 

Here was my response:

Hi ****

 

Ugh, I know my last email was a shocker, I am so sorry to just drop that on you like that! I just really felt I should be up front and honest regardless...

 

I don't expect you to understand or accept my change in world view/lack of faith. 5 years ago I would have the same reaction as you had someone in my life sent such an email. I know you will be thinking about me and praying for me and I so appreciate your care and concern because I know it comes from a place of love, you are always overflowing with love for everyone!

 

I can tell you, though, There isn't a "story" that will change my mind. I have lots of stories from when I was a Christian, I loved Jesus, I loved church, I loved hearing other peoples' "Jesus" stories, I loved those feel good stories; I'm a pretty "emotional" person and I loved the warm fuzzies of Christianity. 

 

I'll just give you a brief look at why I left the faith, I hope you don't mind. 

 

I didn't leave Christianity out of anger toward a church, toward God, toward anyone or anything! There wasn't a bad experience in Christianity that turned me off. 

 

What happened was, over several years, I dove into learning more about my faith, why it was the right one with all the other religions out there (not because I doubted it, I just wanted to educate myself so I could talk educatedly to others!!). I wanted to learn more about the history of the Bible and the history of Christianity. I wanted to be well educated on the world religions. I wanted to make sure my version of Christianity was "right" (there are SO MANY denominations who think their way is right...I wanted to make sure I picked the right one!). 

 

This several year quest involved lots of prayer, lots of seeking God for guidance and direction, extreme thoughtfulness. Again, never looking to leave my faith in the process, just looking to deepen it and my understanding of it!

 

I was shocked to learn I couldn't find reasons to believe any world religion or "holy book" was inspired by a god. This was not the conclusion I was looking for or expecting to find, but I had to go where the truth/facts lead me. I don't expect you or anyone else not having had the same questions I had to get to the same conclusion I did. I don't expect (or want to!) sway you from what truths you have found and are at peace with on this crazy life journey we have for just a brief period of time.

 

A very happy Thanksgiving to you and your family as well!! We have a great week planned here in AZ with ***'s family and my sis and her fiance!

 

Thank you again for your thoughtful response,

****

[slave2six]

Bruisermel - I admire you so much. Great communications. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

Well written! Thanks for sharing your update.

[Mimimom]

Very well done! Sounds like she hasn't spilled the beans to anyone else yet huh? Awesome! 

[bruisermel]

Ahhhh thanks slave2six and RenaissanceWoman--just gave myself a pat on the back LOL

 

As I think you gathered from my above writing this is my first coming out experience to someone in the Christian faith (I came out to my atheist friend and cousin--yup, 2 people I knew--that was pretty easy and joy filled though hahaha). I'll have a little more confidence going forward using similar email outlines should a situation arise like this one where it seems appropriate to "come out." She was probably the easiest coming out I'll encounter given we aren't family aren't super close friends and she is literally the most lovely person I have ever met (apart from all the good she does being done in the name of god, without him she couldn't do ANYTHING...her words).

 

Thanks again. Happy Thanksgiving.

[bruisermel]

suznhynes didn't see your post there...thanks! If she has told anyone I don't know about it and no one has confronted me and my mom doesn't seem to be acting any different (I think it would be VERY hard for her to hide knowing this about me!!) so we shall see....hopefully I'm nameless at her prayer groups and prayer candle offerings or whatever those are at church!