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Goodbye Jesus

My Hate Love Relationship With Christmas And Family.


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Hi everyone


So I am writing this for myself kinda...


We just celebrated christmas yesterday evening with my parents, brothers and one of my brothers girlfriend as we do each year. I don't give a shit for christmas and the only reason I go is, that I think its nice to be with family. We don't do that often and so its a chance to see my bro's and with them its usually a good time.

BUT...usually and especially at christmas I get reminded how much they really care. I decided to go on a plant based diet for various reasons one and a half years ago. So when I am at home I don't eat meat or any animal products. When I am eating out though I compromise and just abstain from meat. Also when I am a guest. And I don't expect anyone to understand my decision or to join me with it because this is personal and I am not a vegan missionary. BUT. My parents know about it. AND. My brothers girlfriend is turkish and does not eat pork and they always respect that. NOW...always when they invite us, the meal is MEAT with something. And loads of meat. And that would be totally OK with me...if they would consider just a little something as an alternative. OK, that somehow stings a little, that they don't really care but somehow I also understand that my parents have a lack of understanding that I am serious with it and can't see why I do it and all. The problem I have with it is, that it is a constant pattern that shows through my whole relationship with them.


So yesterday we had christmas eve. We had a meal, then we had some cheerful chat and then my mom wanted to go to the other place we have to play table tennis and foosball. My family, means my four brothers and my mom are all into sports...and its all sports I don't really like because it involves a ball and I am such a badass in caching a ball its not even fun to begin with. So we played table tennis and of course it was me who last the first round EVERY time. Now I tried not to think about how much I did not enjoy the whole thing, but then a thought came to my mind. I observed my mom how she gets loud and comments everything as if it was her life and all, especially while doing foosball. I realized how much she did not care about those who did not really share her interests and passion, she just ignores you completely. It is like, either you play the game and pretend and you are in or you don't and you are not part of the deal, you are out. Thats how I have felt most of my life. Like no one really cared about who I was and what I would have liked to do. If it was for me, we could have done a poetry slam or something. But certainly not foosball nor table tennis.


So I played along because I did not want to be sitting there alone and wait for time to pass. But I felt as lonely as if I had not participated and been left alone. Usually I am fine not having a partner, but in that moment I felt so alone and wished there had been someone giving me a hug or something.

To this day I always thought my not really feeling as a part of the family had to do with me being adopted. But yesterday I realized that this was only part of the story. If my brothers did not share their interest in sports, they probably would not be as close as they are either.


Now yesterday I realized how much this "either you play the game or you are not part of the family" is ingrained in my personality and influences my behavior and the way I deal with others etc. 


And then we finally got home after my mom played some extra rounds of table tennis and foosball with half of the gang waiting for them to be done...went back to our living room to hear the story she prepared and eat desert and all. Now last year it was quite moderate compared to this year...she was having a moral preaching about priorities and faith and all...it was just disgusting...and she does so not get that even if we where still interested in the whole deal, what she was saying was not beneficial or even beautiful or whatever. I remember once when I was still a christian she had a moral speech at my brothers that they somehow destroy christmas to her and she was not enjoying it because they where not believing anymore and it would trouble her so much to know they where lost etc. Back then I tried to call her the next day and if she had been available I had told her to visit a psychologist. So even when I still was a christian I felt disgusted with her not accepting that it is our own choice to believe or not and making it all about herself...

So the moment the story part comes is always an awkward moment because you never know what to expect. This year it was gross again. While she is not really in for a discussion its just silent, no one saying anything until its over. Like you wait for a heavy rain to ease up so you can move on.


I don't know...I just felt so lonely when I got home. And I planned to go out after everything but because we spent so much time with table tennis and foosball it was too late and I was in a weird mood anyways. I was not angry because my plan did not work out but I think it would have been good to go out and meet other people to sorta neutralize from this evening. Whatever.


So I am not so sure what to do with all of this right now. And also I feel a bit weird writing all of this about my family because I am a grown up and not dependent anymore. But I thought it might help to write it down and thats what I did now. Pity party is over :-)


Thanks for reading.


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