It Sucks Being In The Closet

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Those of you on ex-C who know what it's like to be in the closet about losing your faith can probably understand how unpleasant it is to go to church every Sunday, making it look as though you still believe. I'm sure that you understand how it can be total misery sometimes, sitting through a sermon that you know is pure bullshit, wishing you could just get up and walk away without arousing suspicion.

 

That is how I feel. The only reason I even go at all is because my grandparents still believe and they love a god that I could never love again, even if I still wanted to. I really care about them a lot and I know they care about me. They're not bad people, which is why I don't want them worrying about what will happen to me after I'm dead, but I feel like I can't keep faking this anymore. If their god wasn't a tyrant, I could tell them that I no longer believed and everything would be okay, but that is not the case, obviously. It's just that I'm sick of forcing myself to get up on Sunday mornings, just to go to a place that I hate going to.

 

On some Sundays, I simply miss the service by not going and then I make up some lame excuse about why I wasn't there, but I would need a good one if I stopped going completely. The thought of coming out of the closet has crossed my mind many times, but I don't think I can do it. I don't know if I can face their teary eyes, knowing that I told them what they would consider to be the equivalent of, "I'm going to pour gasoline all over my body and set myself on fire, but you can't stop me". At the same time, I'm sick of lying and faking. I really don't want to do it anymore, but what other option is there?

 

I just had to get this rant out there. Today's service is already half-way over already and I wouldn't miss much by not going, so I don't know if I should go or not. I've showed up late before and it really wouldn't matter much if I did it again, but clearly, I'd rather not do it.

[ConureDelSol]

So just to be clear, you don't have family living with you that forces you to go, but you instead go out of guilt and fear of disappointing your grandparents? 

 

I'm not sure how your grandparents are, so this may be a silly suggestion but have you ever told them you just want a "break" from church?  Just say something along the lines of "I need time to be alone and explore my spirituality" or something?  Or would they have a coronary if you said that?

[★ Citsonga ★]

Perhaps a viable option would be to change churches so then they wouldn't expect to see you at their church every week, then after a little while you could quit altogether. Just a thought.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I'm not sure how your grandparents are, so this may be a silly suggestion but have you ever told them you just want a "break" from church?  Just say something along the lines of "I need time to be alone and explore my spirituality" or something?  Or would they have a coronary if you said that?

 

Honestly, I've never thought about doing that, but it could be worth it to try, I guess. I honestly don't know what will happen if I say that, but it probably wouldn't be as bad as coming out as a nonbeliever.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Perhaps a viable option would be to change churches so then they wouldn't expect to see you at their church every week, then after a little while you could quit altogether. Just a thought.

 

I suppose I could do that, but they would sure be confused as to why I'd go to a church where I know no one when it's quite obvious that I'd rather be with people I already know. Good suggestion though.

[mymistake]

I hear you.  It sucks.  If your situations does not allow you to come out you can always pretend to be a liberal Christian.  Tell your family that you want to try other churches in your area.  Then when you do visit one you don't have to stay the whole time.  You can walk out before it is over.  You can play the church hopping game for months.  Then occasionally you can miss church altogether.   As long as you keep using the right buzz words around your family they shouldn't suspect.  After a while you can "backslide" and stop attending church altogether without telling them how much you hate it.  Really it is none of their business what your views are and if they are going to harass you over it then don't share.

 

I was in your situation a few years ago when I got the giggles.  It got worse every single week.  I couldn't stop laughing and eventually I had to tell some of my family and stop attending.  However your situation turns out I hope you find a way that works for you.

[MerryG]

I feel so horrible for you guys who have to pretend for your families' sakes that you still believe. I've never been in your situation. The worst I have to put up with is keeping my mouth shut around christian friends when they go all goo-goo about god. I bite my tongue to avoid hurting their feelings. But those friends already know and at least halfway accept that I'm not a believer. (And on the rare occasions that they try to proselytize me, I'm free to give them a big blast of bad news from their own bible, which tends to shut them up at least momentarily.)

 

I literally can't imagine going to church week after week, year after year, and hiding the truth about myself. I wouldn't have the strength to do it. I feel for you and wish you didn't have to do it. But also, my hat's off to you for your strength and forebearance in being able to do it at all.

[amateur]

I'm sorry about your situation; it is not easy being stuck between respecting your grandparents and staying quiet about your changing thoughts on religion.  There are no easy answers.  But you are a wonderful grandson for showing such respect.

 

Here's my suggestion, and I don't know how realistic it is for your situation:  can you just become "very busy" during church hours, but set up a different thing to do weekly with your grandparents so you can spend time with them and still show them how much you care for them?

 

Good luck with however you choose to deal with this difficult situation, and know I respect you for caring about your grandparents' feelings.

[Bhim]

Hi Crazyguy. I can understand what you're going through, since I've been in a similar situation. None of my family is Christian (thank God), but when I deconvert ed I had just started the first month of a year long lease living with Christians. I made the decision to pretend to believe in Jesus to avoid the unpleasantness of living with people who though I was a devil worshiping heathen. Getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go to a despicable, evangelical church on Sundays was one of the worst times of the week for me, and this was definitely the low point of my life. I hate church and will never set foot in one again, save for when a church happens to be a polling place on election night.

 

Deciding whether to live a lie to please your grandparents is a decision you alone must make. On the one hand you're letting them ruin your one and only life (unless you believe in reincarnation, I suppose). On the other hand, family is important and there's a certain virtue to what you're doing. But if I may point out Citsonga's earlier post, why not just change churches? Say you're going to church X because you met some friends there, go two or three times so that you sound plausible when they ask who the preaching pastor's name is or what the worship is like, and then never go again.

 

For as long as you do have to lie to your grandparents, here's some advice from someone who's been through your situation. The best lies are mostly true. My Bible study leader said this when talking about other religions, but I found it helpful when faking Christianity. For the year that I did so, I went to church, Bible studies, the whole thing. Sometimes I even forgot that I didn't believe. Faking Christianity takes a lot of effort. As Jesus might say, count the cost before you decide to live this way.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

It's funny but I have absolutely no problem discussing my lack of belief with my parents and tearing down each of their arguments as to why I should come back to jesus.  But when my grandma tells me she hopes I'll get back into church someday, it takes everything I have to keep from crying.

[sdelsolray]

The two most important influences which cause folks to remain in the Christian religion are childhood indoctrination and peer pressure (particularly family peer pressure).  You have conquered the first but have not conquered the second, at least not yet.  You don't conquer the second until that peer pressure is removed, or effectively neutralized.  That can't even begin until those around you are aware of your truth - that you reject the Christian religion.

 

You demonstrate empathy and love when you say you don't want to harm your grandparents by disclosing your rejection of the Christian religion.  Perhaps they would not be hurt as much as you think if your were to tell them and provide your explanation.  Indeed, one or the other of your grandparents might say, "Yeah, it's a silly religion.  I only pretend to believe in it for the sake of you and other family members".  On the other hand, perhaps they would jump off a bridge if you told them.  In this situation, and any similar situation for others, this is classic codependency.  Textbook codependency.

 

You are searching for a solution that lets you get though this.  It is hard, even after considering all the issues and possible actions.

 

What I would suggest is to maintain your honor, integrity and truthfulness no matter what you do.  Of course, the status quo (i.e., hiding your truth from them) is a form of concealment and misrepresentation, which throws your honor, integrity and truthfulness under the bus.  Conversely, maintaining the status quo avoids the perceived suffering you will cause if you disclose the truth and, in some sense, you are throwing your family's feelings and expectations under the bus.  Avoiding suffering is a worth goal, but being codependent with their emotional needs (i.e., the Christian religion), their expectations (i.e., that you will always remain a Christian) and their fear (i.e., that you will suffer if you reject Christianity) is simply not healthy.

 

Your dilemma is apparent.  Nevertheless, I would recommend that you actually disclose your truth in whatever way, and by whatever means, that are calculated to cause the least harm.  Even grandparents need to grow up on occasion.  If they can't handle your truth, then that is their problem.  And a silly and infantile problem it is.

[pensatore]

Hey Crazyguy. I am in the same position you are in. I hate pretending to believe in something I don't believe in. I hate lying to myself when someone inquires about my faith. I, too, goes to church every sunday and hate every bit of it. Be strong my friend. We are here for you.

 

I've always wished for an atheist friend who still goes to church. Do you know anyone who's an atheist or an ex-c but just goes to church for the sake of his/her family members? If you do, sit beside him/her that way you can be relieved of the fear of being surrounded by all these xtians. I so badly wish I have one.

[pensatore]

The two most important influences which cause folks to remain in the Christian religion are childhood indoctrination and peer pressure (particularly family peer pressure).  You have conquered the first but have not conquered the second, at least not yet.  You don't conquer the second until that peer pressure is removed, or effectively neutralized.  That can't even begin until those around you are aware of your truth - that you reject the Christian religion.

 

You demonstrate empathy and love when you say you don't want to harm your grandparents by disclosing your rejection of the Christian religion.  Perhaps they would not be hurt as much as you think if your were to tell them and provide your explanation.  Indeed, one or the other of your grandparents might say, "Yeah, it's a silly religion.  I only pretend to believe in it for the sake of you and other family members".  On the other hand, perhaps they would jump off a bridge if you told them.  In this situation, and any similar situation for others, this is classic codependency.  Textbook codependency.

 

You are searching for a solution that lets you get though this.  It is hard, even after considering all the issues and possible actions.

 

What I would suggest is to maintain your honor, integrity and truthfulness no matter what you do.  Of course, the status quo (i.e., hiding your truth from them) is a form of concealment and misrepresentation, which throws your honor, integrity and truthfulness under the bus.  Conversely, maintaining the status quo avoids the perceived suffering you will cause if you disclose the truth and, in some sense, you are throwing your family's feelings and expectations under the bus.  Avoiding suffering is a worth goal, but being codependent with their emotional needs (i.e., the Christian religion), their expectations (i.e., that you will always remain a Christian) and their fear (i.e., that you will suffer if you reject Christianity) is simply not healthy.

 

Your dilemma is apparent.  Nevertheless, I would recommend that you actually disclose your truth in whatever way, and by whatever means, that are calculated to cause the least harm.  Even grandparents need to grow up on occasion.  If they can't handle your truth, then that is their problem.  And a silly and infantile problem it is.

 

I wanted to come out as an atheist to my family members but I saw how my cousin was condemned and deemed as a problem when she came out an atheist. This uncertainty paralyzes me. Considering that my mom is a much more hardcore christian than her's, I know I'm bound to experience the greatest family feud I will ever see in my life. Though, someday I will declare my unbelief when the timing is right. Thanks for the great words sdelsolray.

[xliar]

This won't help you any but I gotta say I hated church and going there even before I became a non-believer. Still do but what a fitting place for funerals. I know where you're coming from crazyguy, I'm still in the closet around most family and friends and yea it sucks. I like citsonga's idea the best and you could also throw in some "youth group" bullshit. Good luck man.

[mydisplayname]

Those of you on ex-C who know what it's like to be in the closet about losing your faith can probably understand how unpleasant it is to go to church every Sunday, making it look as though you still believe. I'm sure that you understand how it can be total misery sometimes, sitting through a sermon that you know is pure bullshit, wishing you could just get up and walk away without arousing suspicion.

 

That is how I feel. The only reason I even go at all is because my grandparents still believe and they love a god that I could never love again, even if I still wanted to. I really care about them a lot and I know they care about me. They're not bad people, which is why I don't want them worrying about what will happen to me after I'm dead, but I feel like I can't keep faking this anymore. If their god wasn't a tyrant, I could tell them that I no longer believed and everything would be okay, but that is not the case, obviously. It's just that I'm sick of forcing myself to get up on Sunday mornings, just to go to a place that I hate going to.

 

On some Sundays, I simply miss the service by not going and then I make up some lame excuse about why I wasn't there, but I would need a good one if I stopped going completely. The thought of coming out of the closet has crossed my mind many times, but I don't think I can do it. I don't know if I can face their teary eyes, knowing that I told them what they would consider to be the equivalent of, "I'm going to pour gasoline all over my body and set myself on fire, but you can't stop me". At the same time, I'm sick of lying and faking. I really don't want to do it anymore, but what other option is there?

 

I just had to get this rant out there. Today's service is already half-way over already and I wouldn't miss much by not going, so I don't know if I should go or not. I've showed up late before and it really wouldn't matter much if I did it again, but clearly, I'd rather not do it.

 

I'm also in the closet and managed to get out of going to church by claiming I still believe, but have a problem with organised religion for various reasons. This is good enough for most of my luke warm christian family.

[Vigile]

Are you sure your grandparents won't be able to handle it if you stop going? 

 

When my grandparents were alive, my relationship with them was pretty similar to how yours sounds.  They were huge fundies, but really nice, caring people.  I didn't want to hurt them, but my need to live my own life was stronger, so I just wrote a letter to my grandfather, softly explaining my position on church and why I wouldn't be going.  I didn't get into details, but told him I just couldn't believe.  They sadly accepted this and our relationship remained very close until they died. 

 

You can't be responsible for the reactions of others.  You can mitigate things by being diplomatic, but you aren't doing anyone any favors by sitting in the pews seething every week -- no doubt the pressure is finding other ways to escape, which aren't pleasant for anyone.

[antix]

I make no bones about it good friends, basically not an atheist, but I have lost my faith, combined with seeing no answer to prayer and the church being nothing but an instrument of brainwashing.  One friend I just try and avoid the conversation and another friend who is a Christian I basically joke around like when he says he is going to church I reply, "do you have to go every sunday". Although I could logically destroy him in a minute, I value him as a good friend and will not, but I do get internally pissed off at the brainwashing taking over him and his family.

 

Staying in the closet out of politeness and courtesy is one thing. Wasting your Sundays is another.

[CyberRaiden1987]

I understand how you all feel because I'm in a similar situation. I even told the pastor at my church that "the only reason I still attend is because of three very important people in my life (my father, my 'mentor', and her husband), and if it weren't for them, I wouldn't bother attending church at all."

[antix]

Many churches are the cult of personality where the minister is center of worship.

[ApostateAwoken]

I tried to keep going to church, but it was aggravating my panic disorder, extreme anxiety, I was even suicidal. My mom is insane fundie but even she knows when to stop if her daughter wants to kill herself after attending a sermon and hearing the same threats about hell. 

 

One day after church I just broke down entirely, sobbing, etc. and when she came home from work, I pulled her aside, confessed my non-faith, and told her church was literally making me suicidal. She was obviously upset but said I didn't have to go if it bothered me that badly.

 

And that's how I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks. However, she seems to be in denial at my nice "calm" state nowadays and -assumes- I'm going to church every Sunday unless I tell her otherwise. It's sad to see her unhappy, but it's even worse to put myself through that for another person's sake. 

[pensatore]

I tried to keep going to church, but it was aggravating my panic disorder, extreme anxiety, I was even suicidal. My mom is insane fundie but even she knows when to stop if her daughter wants to kill herself after attending a sermon and hearing the same threats about hell. 

 

One day after church I just broke down entirely, sobbing, etc. and when she came home from work, I pulled her aside, confessed my non-faith, and told her church was literally making me suicidal. She was obviously upset but said I didn't have to go if it bothered me that badly.

 

And that's how I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks. However, she seems to be in denial at my nice "calm" state nowadays and -assumes- I'm going to church every Sunday unless I tell her otherwise. It's sad to see her unhappy, but it's even worse to put myself through that for another person's sake. 

I can relate to you very much Apostate. I also suffer anxiety whenever I go to church. I hate pretending to believe such an absurd religion. To cope, I just avoid people by any means until the end of the service. I also download some atheist books I can read while the service goes on. I sit in the back and I'm the first one to leave once the service ended. But there was a change in the program lately, they added a group prayer at the end where you are supposed to find a group and pray with them. I feel silly standing there alone with no group and refusing everyone who invites me. That's the worst.