Living A Closeted Life

[Ousian]

Hello all, new member here.  For some context, I was raised in a very fundamentalist Christian (Presbyterian) house.  I was a hardcore Christian for as long as I remember.  I've been to Bible camps, missions trips, participated in evangelism.  My entire family is very involved with the church.  My Dad is an elder and my Mom is on multiple church committees.  My two younger brothers and I are involved with the church youth group, I myself work in the nursery, sound booth, as an usher, and other miscellaneous jobs.  I am 19 years old, in college but living with my parents, and deconverted a year ago.  The vast majority of my friends and family are fundamentalist Christians as well, with the exception of some very select friends.  I've been having to keep up the charade of still being a Christian myself, mainly because my parents will disown me and it'll break their hearts as soon as I come out, until I am financially independent.

 

But staying closeted is psychological torture.  Sitting through church every week, attending Bible studies, talking about a faith I don't have.  I'm not sure if I can keep this up for much longer.  Does anybody with experience in a similar position have any advice?  I could really use some.  Thanks a bunch in advance.

[Deva]

Well, I am really old, but I would just like to say that since you are still living at home, it would probably suit you best to remain closeted (in your own self interest) until you graduate college and can get a job to get out of the house.

 

My advice, for what its worth, is to wait it out a couple years, graduate college and look for a job as far away from the old homestead as you can. Make it a two day drive. Scary but a lot more doable in this age of computers.

 

My parents are fundamentalists and I have still chosen not to tell them exactly how I feel about their religion. Perhaps I never will, since I live over 1,000 miles away.  To live closer would force the issue more and cause a lot  more conflict in my life.

 

In the meantime, is there any way you can excuse yourself from some of the extra church activities  you are doing?  Perhaps say you need more study time and can't do the usher/sound booth, etc.?  Say you agree to still attend services but extract yourself from the extra stuff to take some pressure off?  Just a thought.

 

Its too bad that the time you are spending in this church could better be spent with a part time job so you could save money for the big move.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I really wish I had some advice to give because it sounds like you are in a completely messed up situation.  Unfortunately, I didn't convert until I was 30 and already living on my own.  Hang around this website, though; because I'm sure someone who's been where you are will be able to offer more help than I can.

[Ellinas]

Yes, it is a form of torture.  I live a lie for the sake of the Mrs.

 

The best approach, I think, is to look for the humour.  The inconsistencies, the nonsense, the farcical statements and hypocritical lives, the advice given and lamentations expressed over the state of the world by those who know nothing about it.

 

And then laugh at it.

 

In other words, cultivate a sense of the ridiculous.  you'll find plenty of examples to while away the time, I'm sure.

 

You could try slowly withdrawing from some of the involvement.  Often churches are more interested in outward conformity than anything else, so what is the minimum you can get away with?

 

At least you can see a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of a time when you can leave home.  Keep that in mind also.

 

And do nothing in the heat of your frustration that you will regret sooner rather than later.  You are currently dependent on your parents, so best not to bite the proverbial hand that feeds you.  When you need to shout, leave a post here.

[mymistake]

It's best to wait until you are on your own.  Your parents created you.  They owe you a solid start on life.  Wait until you have that.  When you do eventually tell your parents there is no telling how they will react so it's best to do it when they can't hurt you so much.

[Overcame Faith]

In addition to the other excellent advice already offered, use ExC as your link to like minded people with whom you can openly communicate about your frustrations and converse about leaving the religion behind.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome, I can really empathise with your situation.  Trust your instincts and take things quietly until it is safer for you.

 

Are you in a secular or christian college?  What are you studying? 

[TrueFreedom]

Speaking as an Ex-C who is still in the closet in some circles after at least 6 or 7 years, my advice is to minimize if not eliminate any activity that makes you most uncomfortable and keeps religion and deception at the forefront of your mind.  Find something more positive to focus on.  Find something in common to talk about with Christian acquaintances.  Practice changing the subject when uncomfortable subjects are presented.  Find something to praise your Christian family members about and take an interest in their secular interests.  They will love you for it.

[LukeExChristian]

i am in your situation, im 20, and financially semi-dependant. here's my advice that's worked personally: take lots of notes, and ask your parents lots of questions. after sermons/bible studies use http://bibviz.com to further study the versus that are likely to contradict teachings. not an all-round solution to this situation but i hope this helps

[RipVanWinkle]

BluelObser: My wife is still a Xtian. My situation is similar, but certainly not the same. There have been a number of people who have come to this site with the same problem as your's. Each time I advice them to get financially independent  before disclosing their deconversion to their parents. The same advice goes to you. Otherwise you may lose your financial source for college. Just remember, your parents undoubtedly love you and also truly believe the nonsense propagated by the faithful. So once they know about your deconversion it is unpredictable what their reaction will be, because in their minds your eternal soul is at stake. We know this is not true; it's a myth which has generated more wars than any other cause and more wealth for the few than any other religion in history.  And what has it achieved?

 

You will know better than I how to deal with your parents while you are still "in the closet". You whill have to balance your interests with their myth without spilling the beans. But just remember that an education is far to important to risk losing. At the same time I know you will want to be as sensitive to your parents as possible.Use your best judgment and be careful. Good luck and keep coming back here.    bill

[Ousian]

Welcome, I can really empathise with your situation.  Trust your instincts and take things quietly until it is safer for you.

 

Are you in a secular or christian college?  What are you studying? 

Secular college, pretty large one.  I'm studying mechanical engineering.

 

Find something to praise your Christian family members about and take an interest in their secular interests.  They will love you for it.

Thanks a good idea, I should probably spend more time on this front.

 

 

The best approach, I think, is to look for the humour.  The inconsistencies, the nonsense, the farcical statements and hypocritical lives, the advice given and lamentations expressed over the state of the world by those who know nothing about it.

 

And then laugh at it.

I try my best, but more often than not I end up angry rather than amused.  Listening quietly every week to the hypocritical, elitist, morally backwards things coming from the pulpit is difficult to say the least.

[TrueFreedom]

  Listening quietly every week to the hypocritical, elitist, morally backwards things coming from the pulpit is difficult to say the least.

 

 

I attended church and even tithed for two years after deconversion.  I may have had better pastors, but many sermons actually had helpful relational and financial advice.  I would take notes on objectionable material and eventually share feedback with my wife.  She came to agree with me.

[VacuumFlux]

 

Welcome, I can really empathise with your situation.  Trust your instincts and take things quietly until it is safer for you.

 

Are you in a secular or christian college?  What are you studying? 

Secular college, pretty large one.  I'm studying mechanical engineering.

 

Could you manage to go to an atheist/freethinker/etc student organization without your parents knowing? A large secular college should have something. Or just get involved with some other student organziation doing something you enjoy and care about in a secular context. That will give you something to do outside of the religious activities, and could also be a way to make non-christian friends.

 

I'd highly recommend making friends in college who are outside the fundy bubble; they won't understand what you're going through, but sometimes I've found comfort from explaining normal fundy nonsense to my secular friends and watching the look of utter shock and horror on their face. It helps me to realize that the "normal" that I grew up with is neither normal nor healthy. And then those friends can provide me with an example of how non-religious people go about their lives. Sometimes, just having casual conversations will bring up some oddity of your upbrining that you hadn't yet thought to re-examine.

 

I was also raised fundy and went to a large secular university. I made some friends in class who were atheist, and went to some of Secular Student Alliance meetings with them out of curiosity. At the time, I still considered myself christian but accepted evolution (which was scary enough to start with), and wanted to practice listening to people not-like-me just to see what else it out there. It was nice to be in an environment where I didn't have to hide my concerns with the ideas I'd been forced into all my life.

[sparklingphoenix]

Hi Bluel0bster, welcome to ex-C I am also still in the closet, it took me about two years to completely deconvert and I finally decided I don't believe at all in February. I'm 22 and in college. Luckily I have an apartment at school, but I still have to go home sometimes and my family comes to see me as well. Is there a way you could live on campus? I also agree with some of the other people who said maybe you could begin phasing yourself out of some of your extra church responsibilities. If I were in your shoes, not believing in christianity and still being that involved in church, I might go crazy. So my best advice would be to gradually make it so that you only go to church when you absolutely have to. That might be just attending the service every Sunday. I think the fact that you go to church every Sunday is enough to keep your family content. You shouldn't feel the need to explain yourself to anyone of why you don't want to work at the church, because they aren't entitled to know, but if you have to, just say that you need more time to focus on your school work or you're feeling tired. Also, if you don't have a paying part time job, it might make you feel you have one aspect of your life that is separate from church, and it might give you a little more independence. Good luck!

 

Edit- I just want to add that, like others have said, it would probably be best not to come out to your parents until you are financially independent. That's one reason why I haven't come out yet. As long has you still need money from your parents, they can pull your strings and make things difficult for you. 

[Ousian]

 

  Listening quietly every week to the hypocritical, elitist, morally backwards things coming from the pulpit is difficult to say the least.

 

 

I attended church and even tithed for two years after deconversion.  I may have had better pastors, but many sermons actually had helpful relational and financial advice.  I would take notes on objectionable material and eventually share feedback with my wife.  She came to agree with me.

 

 

That's a good attitude to have about the situation and one which I'm sure it would behoove me to adopt.  I do try to take what positive things I can from the sermon, moral instruction and such, but more often than not I'll either phase out entirely or mentally counter every claim the pastor makes.

 

 

 

Welcome, I can really empathise with your situation.  Trust your instincts and take things quietly until it is safer for you.

 

Are you in a secular or christian college?  What are you studying? 

Secular college, pretty large one.  I'm studying mechanical engineering.

 

Could you manage to go to an atheist/freethinker/etc student organization without your parents knowing? A large secular college should have something. Or just get involved with some other student organziation doing something you enjoy and care about in a secular context. That will give you something to do outside of the religious activities, and could also be a way to make non-christian friends.

I've given that serious consideration, I spent some time trying to find one.  I'm actually involved with a Christian group on campus (connections through the church, was sort of expected of me, not staying involved would raise questions), so I'm much more worried about those people finding out about my involvement with some sort of secular group than my parents.

 

 Is there a way you could live on campus? I also agree with some of the other people who said maybe you could begin phasing yourself out of some of your extra church responsibilities.

I'm joining the military for precisely that reason (among many others).  The financial assistance I'll receive will go a long way to establishing financial independence as well as enabling me to live on campus (the army requires it).  As for church duties, I've been trying, but it's hard to come up with reasons.  I've pretty well exhausted the "I need more time to study" excuse.

 

Thanks all for the advice! It's much appreciate.

[sparklingphoenix]

dang, you're quite entangled in all those christian activities. :/ when are you planning to join the military? this could be a pretty good idea. Does your family expect you to do all those church duties? I don't know the situation clearly, but I don't see why they couldn't understand if you just said you simply don't want to do it anymore. I don't know your parents, though, and I don't know if they are requiring you to do all those extra duties. I just know I'd be so annoyed if I had to do that. 

[Ousian]

dang, you're quite entangled in all those christian activities. :/ when are you planning to join the military? this could be a pretty good idea. Does your family expect you to do all those church duties? I don't know the situation clearly, but I don't see why they couldn't understand if you just said you simply don't want to do it anymore. I don't know your parents, though, and I don't know if they are requiring you to do all those extra duties. I just know I'd be so annoyed if I had to do that. 

Planning on contracting within a month, but I won't start until next semester.  

 

As far as the church duties, and really anything related to the church, it's not as if I couldn't stop doing all those things; to some extent I have.  But as somebody who for 18 years has always been very involved in church functions, if I were to, out of the blue, say I simply didn't want to do those things anymore, they probably wouldn't challenge it to a large extent but it would start raising questions which I'd like to avoid.  They don't require me to do any of these things per se, but they do expect that I'll stay as involved as I am now without any good reason not to.  I'm continuing to milk the "need time to study" for all it's worth, however

[BundyJem]

Hi, Welcome! I;m new too. Been lurking awhile though.

Just wanted to encourage you. I'm also living a closeted life at present. Daydreaming, fantasising and imagining (is that even a word?) my 'coming out'. It is and will be a long way off though.

I can't offer any more advice other then what the others here have said.

If possible just drop on 'church' activity on a permanent basis so that you don't have to keep making excuses each time? Might just be a start.

 

Hope you get a break soon!

[Ousian]

Hi, Welcome! I;m new too. Been lurking awhile though.

Just wanted to encourage you. I'm also living a closeted life at present. Daydreaming, fantasising and imagining (is that even a word?) my 'coming out'. It is and will be a long way off though.

I can't offer any more advice other then what the others here have said.

If possible just drop on 'church' activity on a permanent basis so that you don't have to keep making excuses each time? Might just be a start.

 

Hope you get a break soon!

Thanks!  One place you might check out along your journey is http://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/.  Check out the atheism and trueatheism subreddits as well if you feel like it.  I've gotten a lot of help there. 

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I'm glad to hear you aren't majoring in biblical studies or something equally irrelevant to the mainstream job market.  You sound like you have worked out some important things in your life, and I think you should be congratulated for that.

[sparklingphoenix]

I see. It seems like you have a good plan going for you, and you'll really enjoy living out of the house. Once you move out it might be easier to stop some of the church duties. I understand you not wanting to cause suspicion. I'm still really careful and try not to say much when they ask me if I want to go to church. Usually I say I'm too tired or feeling sick. I'm lucky that when I was around 17 my family slowly stopped going to church on Sundays, so it wasn't a big deal for me to stop going, plus I was sick a lot, so they left me alone. I used to be super involved in church up until that time, though. I actually told my mom I hated certain church activities, so once I was in high school she didn't force me lol. If your parents aren't forcing you too, they might actually accept if you just said you're tired of doing. That doesn't mean you are betraying god in my opinion. .-. Anyways, you know the situation best, and I'm sure you can find your unique path. 

[Ellinas]

 

The best approach, I think, is to look for the humour.  The inconsistencies, the nonsense, the farcical statements and hypocritical lives, the advice given and lamentations expressed over the state of the world by those who know nothing about it.

 

And then laugh at it.

I try my best, but more often than not I end up angry rather than amused.  Listening quietly every week to the hypocritical, elitist, morally backwards things coming from the pulpit is difficult to say the least.

 

Indeed it is; I've raged at the sky while walking down the road after a service many a time.

 

Still, for me it probably helps that my sense of humour is a touch perverse anyway...

 

And if you can work on the daftness of it all, it might help make it all a little more bearable.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

The best approach, I think, is to look for the humour.  The inconsistencies, the nonsense, the farcical statements and hypocritical lives, the advice given and lamentations expressed over the state of the world by those who know nothing about it.

 

And then laugh at it.

I try my best, but more often than not I end up angry rather than amused.  Listening quietly every week to the hypocritical, elitist, morally backwards things coming from the pulpit is difficult to say the least.

 

Indeed it is; I've raged at the sky while walking down the road after a service many a time.

 

Still, for me it probably helps that my sense of humour is a touch perverse anyway...

 

And if you can work on the daftness of it all, it might help make it all a little more bearable.

 

There are several really good YouTube channels that poke fun at religion.  Darkmatter2525 and Non-Stamp Collector both come readily to mind.

[Ousian]

 

 

 

The best approach, I think, is to look for the humour.  The inconsistencies, the nonsense, the farcical statements and hypocritical lives, the advice given and lamentations expressed over the state of the world by those who know nothing about it.

 

And then laugh at it.

I try my best, but more often than not I end up angry rather than amused.  Listening quietly every week to the hypocritical, elitist, morally backwards things coming from the pulpit is difficult to say the least.

 

Indeed it is; I've raged at the sky while walking down the road after a service many a time.

 

Still, for me it probably helps that my sense of humour is a touch perverse anyway...

 

And if you can work on the daftness of it all, it might help make it all a little more bearable.

 

There are several really good YouTube channels that poke fun at religion.  Darkmatter2525 and Non-Stamp Collector both come readily to mind.

 

The thinking atheist and cultofdusty are great as well.  Those definitely hope when I'm at home at my computer, but in the middle of a sermon it's hard to be amused.

 

Watch a documentary on netflix called "Jesus Camp" and you'll understand why I'm more often mad at my church than amused.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Watch a documentary on netflix called "Jesus Camp" and you'll understand why I'm more often mad at my church than amused.

Is that on Netflix now?  I've been wanting to watch it.  I've seen some clips from it and with a son to raise I need all the ammo I can get to keep him ever getting brainwashed.