When You First Realised Life Isn't Fair

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Do remember a point in your life when you said "life isn't fair!" and someone said "life isn't meant to be fair, get used to it"?

 

I have been pondering this process, of a person realising life isn't fair, and I think it's one of the reasons people are drawn to xianity.  Belief in god is an illusion that makes you think you can overcome the unfairness of life.  That there will be justice in the end.  Somehow.

 

When I realised (after deconversion) that reality is as good as it gets, I realised I am ok with that after all.  I don't want to live under an illusion that takes away reality and gives mere comfort in exchange.  I would rather know the truth, even when it's uncomfortable.

 

Have others had the same realisation?

[Guest MadameX]

I would rather know the truth, even when it's uncomfortable.

 

 

 

You said it all right there, FreeThinkerNZ. I sometimes wonder if happiness is really the ultimate goal if it means accepting a certain amount of delusion? And I also suspect the 'just world' theory that is common in so many religions and theories is almost an inborn instinct. It sure doesn't square with reality.

 

Life is terribly unfair. We can sometimes do something about it, in our small ways, in fact we must.

 

Great subject.

[Deva]

I discovered the unfairness and injustice in life very early, perhaps kindergarten or something, but I suppose only as an adult did it truly sink in, the full extent of it.  Justice and fairness are purely human concepts. They actually do not exist in nature.

[florduh]

Actually I do remember the exact moment. I was in a spelling bee in grade school and my word was "percent" or "per cent" and I said, "p-e-r (pause) c-e-n-t." The bitch running the event said I had to say, "p-e-r, new word, c-e-n-t." Of course I knew it could be spelled either way anyhow, but I realized at that moment being right didn't matter, being in power did. Pretty heavy realization for a little kid.

[Ellinas]

I don't recall the first time the concept of an unfair life hit me.

 

I do recall when the concept of an unjust religion whacked me round the head - and that ultimately led to me being here.

 

Logically, I suppose, "life's not fair" is just the subjective protest of a psyche that has realised that fairness is a meaningless concept in life generally.

[RipVanWinkle]

" I would rather know the truth, even when it's uncomfortable."FreeThinker

 

Yeah, I suppose so. But there are some horrible realities out in the world that I wish I'd never heard of.  However, without a good undersstanding of reality we are one of the suckers born every that PT Barnum told us about. bill

[rach]

From an early age my "social circle" has included some with Down Syndrome and other serious limitations.  Down Syndrome left an enormous impression on me so far as the unfairness of life.  It is an extremely heavy burden to bear and people are just simply born with it.  They struggle and get made fun of, for something they had no chance to correct.

[par4dcourse]

Four years old being told I had diabetes and would be "different" for life. As Cartman would say "son of a BITCH.

[Guest MadameX]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQd01bO0OLg

The world is neither fair nor unfair
The idea is just a way for us to understand
But the world is neither fair nor unfair
So one survives, the others die
And you always want a reason why

But the world is neither just nor unjust
It's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
No, the world is neither just nor unjust
And though going young, so much undone
Is a tragedy for everyone

It doesn't speak a plan or any secret thing
No unseen sign or untold truth in anything
But living on in others, in memories and dreams is not enough
You want everything
Another world where the sun always shines and the birds always sing
Always sing

The world is neither fair nor unfair
The idea is just a way for us to understand
No the world is neither fair nor unfair
So some survive and others die
And you always want a reason why

But the world is neither just nor unjust
It's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
No, the world is neither just nor unjust
And though going young so much undone
Is a tragedy for everyone

It doesn't mean there has to be a way of things
No special sense that hidden hands are pulling strings
But living on in others, in memories and dreams
Is not enough and it never is
You always want so much more than this

An endless sense of soul and an eternity of love
A sweet mother down below and a just father above
For living on in others, in memories and dreams
Is not enough, you want everything
Another world where the birds always sing
Another world where the sun always shines
Another world where nothing ever dies

[Guest ninurta]

I don't recall saying it to anyone else, but I recall when the thought first entered my mind (that I remember). I was seven years old and one of my friends got a nintendo 64, and I still had an empty room. I thought it wasn't fair, but said, "some people weren't meant to have nice things" to myself. Since then, I've come along way. But it still rang true for my childhood.

 

One thing I have learned is that life may not be fair, but you can try to make it such as much as possible.

[RankStranger]

I'm not sure I ever had the impression that life is fair... or at least I knew that it wasn't from a pretty young age.

 

For me a more important realization- one that I'm still grappling with even in my late 30's- is that it does no good to base decisions and actions on the notion that life SHOULD be fair.  Doesn't matter how I reckon life *should* be.  What matters is how life *is* and how I can adapt to it.  I first realized this in terms of jobs & careers- it's been a valuable insight there.  And I'm trying to apply it elsewhere in life.

 

When I perceive something as unfair, dishonest, stupid, counterproductive, etc.- my natural reaction is to take a Principled Stand™ and say "FUCK YOU I'LL HAVE NO PART OF THIS!!!!!!!!!111!!!11!"  But the thing is that depending on your perspective, a Principled Stand™ could just as easily be described as obstinance.  Tilting at windmills.  Cutting off your nose to spite your face.  Rigidity.  Maladaptive behavior.

 

I don't know if I'm hard-wired that way, or if this is just how I've been socialized.  Either way, I'm a fucking PRO when it comes to obstinance and spite.  But I have friends and family who are similarly wired- I look at how these Principled Stands™ have played out in their lives... and it isn't pretty.  I have family who went to jail and came out with a nasty case of PTSD- for nothing more than their Principled Stand™.  I know a guy right now who is very intelligent and under the right circumstances COULD have had a good career and a comfortable life.  But due to some Principled Stands™ he's taken... he's currently homeless and with no real prospects in sight as far as I know.  Now those are extreme examples- but the point is that IMO there's quite a lot of truth to that old saw "you can be right or you can be happy".  

[TheRedneckProfessor]

My first day of kindergarten.  No sooner had I walked into the classroom but some other kid jumped me from behind with his arms around my neck.  I threw him to the floor and gave him a tap with my fist to make sure I had made my point.  He ran straight to the teacher's aide (who happened to attend the same church as the kid's family) and accused me of pushing him down and punching him.  Neither the teacher's aide nor the teacher wanted to hear my side of the story.  I was immediately taken into the hallway and paddled (yes, paddling was still acceptable in those days).

 

I remember that day well.  That morning the teacher told us that 2+2=4 and I accepted that as a concrete fact.  Later on after lunch, that same teacher told us that 3+1=4.  I have been confused about math ever since.

[Deva]

Its best to be flexible as possible, in the hopes that life doesn't break you.  Not everyone encounters the same difficulties, for sure, but you can never be sure that some situation might happen that will bring you to your knees if you aren't flexible enough.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I have been pondering this process, of a person realising life isn't fair, and I think it's one of the reasons people are drawn to xianity.  Belief in god is an illusion that makes you think you can overcome the unfairness of life.  That there will be justice in the end.  Somehow.

 

When I wrote this in my original post, I was processing the fact that I had been drawn to xianity before reaching the point of accepting that life isn't fair.  I realised life isn't fair, but before I accepted that, I became a xian and stopped learning in this area.  So, when I stopped being a xian, I was hit again with the problem that I had been avoiding facing for all that time. 

 

So now, after half a lifetime of experiencing the unfairness of life without processing or accepting it, I am being forced to either accept it or stay depressed.  I want to accept it because I know it's the mature thing to do.  I'm just finding it hard.  Xianity disrupted my development.  I'm now having to pick up where my parents left off, mid-childhood.

[Ellinas]

 

I have been pondering this process, of a person realising life isn't fair, and I think it's one of the reasons people are drawn to xianity.  Belief in god is an illusion that makes you think you can overcome the unfairness of life.  That there will be justice in the end.  Somehow.

 

When I wrote this in my original post, I was processing the fact that I had been drawn to xianity before reaching the point of accepting that life isn't fair.  I realised life isn't fair, but before I accepted that, I became a xian and stopped learning in this area.  So, when I stopped being a xian, I was hit again with the problem that I had been avoiding facing for all that time. 

 

So now, after half a lifetime of experiencing the unfairness of life without processing or accepting it, I am being forced to either accept it or stay depressed.  I want to accept it because I know it's the mature thing to do.  I'm just finding it hard.  Xianity disrupted my development.  I'm now having to pick up where my parents left off, mid-childhood.

 

Don't know if this will help, but it seems to me that, from a secular standpoint, if you take the view that life is not fair, you also have to accept, logically, that it is not unfair.  It just "is" what it is, for better or worse.  Fairness is a construct of human imagination applied to human behaviour.  If nothing directs existence, there is no applicable concept of fairness.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I learned it very early on, thanks to my very Christian father. I was constantly being punished, not only when I deserved it, but also for things I didn't do, things I hadn't been instructed not to do and things that he completely misunderstood and refused to listen to reason. Any attempt to explain the truth was met with, "Don't sass me!" I tell ya, getting 10-15 lashes that leave marks for days and make it hard to sit, all for something you didn't even do or had no ill intent with, makes one realize quite quickly that life isn't fair. What a Godly example!

[ApostateAwoken]

My life has always been screwed up and I never really thought of it as fair, but it was only when I started to deconvert that I realized only a shitty/non-existent god would put me through it. 

 

Let's see. Both of my Christian parents being in past relationships and being even less Christian than the average person, my father physically and emotionally abusing my mother, the constant neglect and emotional abuse I received from him, being molested by a neighbor at one point, being scared to death of the concept of hell, always being alone and afraid, the recurring nightmares, the unfair punishments and all the yelling and screaming, the almost being kidnapped incident of 6th grade, the constant unanswered prayers, the panic disorder, the OCD, the trip to the mental hospital because my anxiety was unbearable... 

 

It all felt "run of the mill" until I realized there probably wasn't a god watching out for me. That was about a year ago at the age of 14.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

 

I have been pondering this process, of a person realising life isn't fair, and I think it's one of the reasons people are drawn to xianity.  Belief in god is an illusion that makes you think you can overcome the unfairness of life.  That there will be justice in the end.  Somehow.

 

When I wrote this in my original post, I was processing the fact that I had been drawn to xianity before reaching the point of accepting that life isn't fair.  I realised life isn't fair, but before I accepted that, I became a xian and stopped learning in this area.  So, when I stopped being a xian, I was hit again with the problem that I had been avoiding facing for all that time. 

 

So now, after half a lifetime of experiencing the unfairness of life without processing or accepting it, I am being forced to either accept it or stay depressed.  I want to accept it because I know it's the mature thing to do.  I'm just finding it hard.  Xianity disrupted my development.  I'm now having to pick up where my parents left off, mid-childhood.

 

Don't know if this will help, but it seems to me that, from a secular standpoint, if you take the view that life is not fair, you also have to accept, logically, that it is not unfair.  It just "is" what it is, for better or worse.  Fairness is a construct of human imagination applied to human behaviour.  If nothing directs existence, there is no applicable concept of fairness.

 

It does help, a lot, thank you.  If I had never been infected by the virus of xianity, I would never have had the expectation that life should be fair.  No expectation = no disappointment.

 

 

[Ro-bear]

When I was two years old, my little sister was born, and suddenly I was not the center of attention.  That did not seem fair to me; fair being defined, of course, as that which was best for me.  29 years later when she died of cancer, the lesson had been driven home so many times that her death seemed superfluous.  That was 23 years ago and the lessons continue unabated to this very day.  I get it, Universe, I fucking get it.

[VacuumFlux]

Elementary school (kindergarten maybe). Outside, gym class, playing baseball. I'd never played it before, but other kids had. So I listened carefully to all the rules, one of which was "you may not stand in the base line to interfere with a runner". So what happens? We're playing this game, I'm following the rules, and some kid is standing in my way. No one does anything or says anything. I try to run around them, but that slows me down and I get tagged out. Still, no one said anything, no one stood up for me, and the teacher who'd just explained the rules was therefore a liar.

 

Odd then, that I spent so many years being a good kid and doing what I was told.