Journey As A Christian And Post Deconversion Ocd

[frank06]

Hi everybody

My name is Frank and i'm new to the ex-christian forum and wanted to introduce myself.

I would also like to share my journey as a christian and my post deconversion ocd.

But first i want to warn you English is not my first language so please bare with me

Also this is going to be a long post so if you don't want to read it or get bored i don't blame you. ^^ 

 

I was born in Panama, there i met someone,  lets call her "person a" this person was my nanny but she became like a grandmother to me, she stayed with us until i was 17 and i'm 19 now so yeah lol

she was a very religious person, always talking about the bible, jesus and church

 

when i was 13 "person A"  was always pushing christianity into me so i did the whole "salvation prayer" and invited jesus into my heart. I didn't felt anything .... i was sad because i've seen people cry and do some weird stuff when they do that prayer and i felt nothing. But i didn't payed much attention to it afterwards.

 

after that thanks to "person a" my mother became evangelical christian too she did the whole prayer thing and burst into tears, now i believe she cried because of what the guy who was doing the prayer was saying  things like: you have problems but there's is a god who looks out for you, you've been through so much, if the world hates you it doesn't matter because he loves you etc etc etc.

 

my family isn't perfect (there's no perfect family) but the guy touch on a sensible subject 

 

after that we started going to church, there's a big evangelical church in Panama (I haven't been to any church here in the US so i don't know the difference between them) we went to church every Friday and Sunday

Sunday service was the worst they had 3 services one after the other, we would always go to the last one. The service was so long like one a half hour of "praising"( music) and after that the senior pastor would talk and talk and talk for like 2 and half hours, they were always speaking in tongues and crying and doing weird noises even doing live exorcisms xD.

 

They would say terrible things like the earthquake in Haiti or the tsunami in Japan that killed thousands of people that both of those things were a punishment from god, that he was showing a warning to us and that it happened because Haiti and Japan are pagan nations and god was punishing them for praising pagan gods. also that it was a warning for the second coming and that it was going to happen soon.

Other times god would "speak" and reveal stuff to the pastor about things that were going to happen in the future, but nothing specific. things like: earthquakes, flooding, econimical crisis etc. Like the signs of the end days.

 

They always had someone doing some kind of testimony like : People being cure from cancer because they prayed or being cure of some other disease, other people that were on accident's but walked out unharmed or people who needed money and magically someone gave them the money they needed.

 

Now i've always been a prone to ocd but when some pastor preached on tv that the only unforgivable sin was blasphemy to the holy spirit (that tv station repeated that episode many many many times )  i became nuts, all day long there were blasphemies in my mind against the holy spirit, terrible blasphemies, i spend my most of my days asking for forgiveness,There were nights couldn't sleep because i thought god would never forgive my sin. After that my blasphemous thought expanded and i had blasphemous thoughts against god, the holy spirit and jesus terrible thoughts, even sexual thoughts about them i was in a very dark place i did some research and came to the conclusion that i suffer from anxiety+ocd+intrusive thoughts.

after a while my anxiety started fading away i still had the thoughts but i didn't care about like i did before because i thought god would understand.  

 

Then i read the book of job.... it became hell all over again. Questioning god, being mad at him etc, then the concept of hell and the devil began to kick in with things like: if god hates evil so badly why he didn't destroyed the devil when he deceived man kind, why doesn't he destroyed the devil now instead of giving him power to control us and make us sin why does he let this happen, if hell, the devil and eternal torment is so important why there's no mention of that in the old testament and magically in the new testament it is important to be saved, people in the old testament didn't had jesus so are they in hell ?if not why do we need to be saved now!

 

I began researching about all my doubts and discovered that not even Jews believe in hell or the devil the way christians do after more researching i came to the conclusion that christianity is : a man made and  fear base religion and that i don't want any part in it but......

 

I don't believe in the christian god i'm 99.99% sure that hes in not real but in my mind i still have thoughts like: what if he is real and mad at me, what if he punish me, what if he takes everything from me to teach me a lesson, what if he takes my youth or intelligence, what if he takes away my mom or my future .

 

so even though i don't believe in him i have to ask for forgiveness and do a ritual prayer everyday many many times to get peace of mind even now that i'm writing this in my mind my thoughts are:

you are writing in a ex christian forum, you are criticizing god and his church he is going to get mad at me. so i'll probably have to "pray" to him for forgiveness even though i don't believe in him!!

it's so frustrating. 

 

Another verse of the bible that is giving me ocd, i don't remember which one but it's something like: love others don't do anything bad to them or that bad thing will happen to you if you think something bad to someone it's going to happen to you or your loved ones instead.

Its driving me crazy i'm all day wishing people life(not death) and blessing life and blessings. oh and if that person is christian is 10x times worst

Someone walked pass me, i have to wish him life and blessings (in my mind of course) i have to do a weird ritual with my hands and say all bad things and bad spirits  are destroyed a 100% by the power of god, after that i feel the need to clean my hands of anything bad and to do so i have to say my hands are blessed and are blessings  a 100% by the power of god ....... i know i sound like a crazy person and i'm starting to think that i may become crazy if i keep going like this.......

 

I moved with my mother to the US this year(she is a US citizen) you know for my future etc, and i wanted to leave all that craziness behind in Panama ug...

 

Can someone please give some some kind of advice?  i really need it I told my mom that i don't believe in god nor in christianity before we moved and she is totally cool with it  

 

Thanks for reading and sorry again for my bad grammar i know it must have been a pain to read you probably deserve a medal for it

 

Frank

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ellinas]

Frank,

 

Seek professional, secular help.  O.C.D. is a recognized condition.  You may benefit from having someone with no religious axe to grind and a professional understanding of your condition.

 

Secondly stop reading the bible - that is likely to be feeding your problems.

 

Thirdly, every time you feel forced to pray, maybe it would be worth trying some alternative action?  I'm thinking in terms of repeating to yourself that you do not believe in the god to whom you are praying, or even telling him that in your prayer.  Just habitually acknowledging that you do this because of O.C.D is a potentially powerful tool, I would have thought.

 

In reality however, I really think that finding help from someone who understands O.C.D. and the therapies that work is key for you.

 

All the best.

[Ranger26]

hey man, and welcome!

HAHAHA I really wanna laugh as when i was reading your post, i couldn't stop but remember me doing the same thing. LOL  I know it is not a laughing matter but I could easily copy and paste your testimony, and put my name on it. It's so exact, even to the point of being on this site gives me uneasy emotions and i feels like i am betraying god. Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit OCD obessive thoughts - Check, sexual thoughts about God - check, blessing people and destrying bad thoughts send to them - check, doing weird rituals to wish them well - check.

It gets better with time. I am about to fall asleep so i can't write a good helpful response, but i'll try again tomorrow. i am over most of those thoughts now and you will get over as well. It will get better mate

[frank06]

Thank you guys 

 

Ellinas: I don't read the bible anymore but those are verses that i remember, you can say they're stuck in my mind :/

i've thought of getting professional help, but i want to control these thoughts by myself, i don't want to get into any medication or anything like that even though sometimes i wish for a pile that shuts the mind completely xD

 

  

Ranger26: Is good to know that i'm not the only one that have these kind of thoughts, i know it sounds a little selfish but it makes me feel a little bit less crazy

it's also good to know that you're in a better place now ^^ 

[Hunter93]

I have OCD as well. I know how you feel.

 

I hope you do get better.

[vadarama]

Frank, thank you so much for sharing. I can definitely identify with the intrusive thoughts and self-flagellation, even though my episodes are less religious in nature now. The underlying issue of OCD really does deserve attention from a professional. I just started basic talk therapy to address my general anxiety, with no anticipation of needing any drug prescriptions. Don't fear being medicated or losing "control" of your thoughts. That very fear may be a symptom of the compulsions from which you seek freedom. Please let us know how you progress!