From Eternity To Here: My Voyage Back To Earth

[vadarama]

Hi, all! Longtime lurker here. I’m 29 and have been in recovery from evangelical fundamentalism for a few years now. I’m still trying to assemble an identity and a life apart from God.

 

I was born in Philadelphia and grew up in a ministry family. My father served at churches and non-profits in different regions of the US with wife and two children in tow. We followed God’s lead, no matter how undecipherable the directions. Dad was the official recipient of the Holy Spirit’s messages, and Mom was dutiful but strong-headed. Uncertainty, pressure and tension followed us wherever we went. My little brother and I cycled between imaginative play and overt hostility, riding atmospheric waves of marital discord. Common features among our childhood homes were egg-shell floors and thin walls.

 

God was the real head of our household. Authoritarian and perfectionist, he was never pleased. Heavenly Father’s nature kept my Earth Dad feeling just shy of the mark in every endeavor. Dad wore the frustration and self-loathing on his sleeve, often reminding us: we humans are weak and worthless on our own; “all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.” (Isaiah 54:6)

 

Jesus was our counterbalancing comfort. I applied the warm salve as needed- an antidote to intrusive images of hell and demon-possessed Disney cartoons. Jesus alone could save me from an eternity of torture, for the price of one heart, one soul and my eternal consciousness. Never having bonded with my own heart or intuition, I considered it a small sacrifice. What’s the rest of my life on Earth compared to forever in paradise?

 

Throughout my teens, I sought to better understand and defend the doctrine by studying apologetics. As a fundamentally rational, literal person, I always fought cognitive dissonance when it came to biblical claims and miracle healings. But my rare moments of peace and reassurance all came from the Holy Spirit. God, in his three persons, anchored my intellectual, psychological and emotional experience. And I couldn’t imagine life without the Truth, now believing there was an air-tight argument for every Christian claim.

 

To reject God was dangerous self-delusion. But the fact that most people in the world were so deluded felt tragic. Does the bulk of each generation end up in hell? What did our God do to earn His monopoly on universal Truth? Why was this wasteful setup okay with Him? Of course, these were silly, petty questions coming from me. Who was I to question the Way Things Are? I knew better. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

 

I sometimes debated with nonbelievers during my years at Vassar College, even as I enjoyed a new freedom to explore the taboo (philosophy, evolutionary theory, cheap vodka in plastic cups). Though I loosened up just enough to fit in, I remained decidedly chaste and avoided drunken flings in favor of the same innocent crushes I’d had since kindergarten. I was the sexually non-threatening good girl- not too uptight to party, but willing to stand strong in her faith when challenged.

 

My college friends’ carefree living and casual dismissal of fundamentalist beliefs had planted additional seeds of pesky doubt, so I opted for an evangelical graduate school (Regent U. in Virginia Beach) in an effort to get closer to my spiritual kin and re-cement my relationship with Christ. Immediately irked by some of my new schoolmates’ lack of intellectual curiosity, I gravitated toward the misfits who wrestled with doctrine and started debates in class. I was most at-ease with my small group of male friends, we'd stay up until morning talking, watching thought-provoking R-rated movies, and fishing for live lobsters from the tank at our favorite dive bar.

 

By the end of my Master’s program, one thing was clear: No one really had it all figured out. I started to entertain the thought that we were all just human, in the same boat, trying to navigate our way through life without clear intel. The people I’d expected to reassure me didn’t live as if they had the Ultimate Answer to Everything. I flirted with new terms- Christian anarchism, sola scriptura, liberation theology. Maybe my faith could be made more grounded, personal and practical. I applied for the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. They shipped me out to Los Angeles to work full-time at a non-profit, in exchange for room and board at a South Central home shared with four peers.

 

There was no better place than California to encourage the free-spirit contrarian in me. The vaguely Catholic JVC program and its functionally agnostic members had me more disillusioned than ever. That idealized, workable brand of Christianity now seemed elusive and pointless. During my first year in LA, I started to understand the concept of pluralism, and I met my first serious boyfriend- a former Christian with boundless curiosity and creativity. Self-directed and oddly at peace with the troubling conditions of mortal existence, he patiently prompted me to ask myself the tough questions whenever I began to evangelize.

 

Soon, I was allowing myself to consider the possibility of thinking more critically about my worldview. Before I knew it, I was at a point of no return; one foot was firmly out of the fold. I removed the other after a short-lived re-dedication to church and small-group bible study. The moment of epiphany occurred during a routine devotional in my room one afternoon. What if the Holy Spirit is in my head? The intrusive thought interrupted my silent prayer. Why must I continue to stoke this fire each day? If this is the unavoidable Truth, why do I spend so much time convincing myself? Before I could squelch the urge, I pried my laptop open to search the internet: “bible contradictions.” I wanted to see if the inerrant Word of God could be legitimately de-legitimized, and I wasn’t going to restrict myself to the apologists this time. I was a nonbeliever almost overnight.

 

Some aspects of religion were easy to let go of. The fantastical, impossible claims and ignorant laws became laughable even as they began to make perfect sense in light of their context of human authorship and archaic social structures. But in the years since my deconversion, I’ve struggled to build self-worth and a strong agenda of my own without the help of an all-powerful personal Savior. No longer does an infinite God pause to make me feel like the center of the universe for a minute or two. No more warm, fuzzy Holy Ghost visitations or words of discernment. No more miracles or speaking in tongues.

 

Now, thrilling epiphanies and occasional moments of meditative peace and transcendence promise spiritual wellness apart from religion. I still struggle to trust myself and my own experience without having to fit everything into a box. It feels unfair to accept this peace without also accepting the unfortunate conditions of judgment after death. It feels weird to claim my life as my own. I realize the need to self-parent, to give myself permission to make mistakes without repenting.

 

I’m just entering a new phase of faith-based living, where I put trust in what I know to be real- natural cause and effect, the transformative power of hope and love, the efficacy of strong desire and hard work when it comes to pursuing goals. Residual shame and fear often keep me from being truly vulnerable with myself and others, but I now seek community with those who understand the unique predicament of a former child of God. I hope my story will encourage someone else to share theirs.

 

(I submitted this poem to Ex-C as a newer de-convert a couple years ago, for those who may be interested.)

 

 

 

[mymistake]

Welcome to ex-C!  Take the time to figure it out for yourself and create your own meaning.

[Aiyana]

"Why must I continue to stoke this fire each day? If this is the unavoidable Truth, why do I spend so much time convincing myself?" Yeeeeeesssss!!!!! I used to have nearly the exact same thought (although never expressed it quite that eloquently). I absolutely LOVE the way you stated it. I got to the point where I said to myself, "If I realize that the vast majority of my time spent thinking about my religion, is spent trying to convince myself that I still believe it... it's time to let it go."

[Roz]

Welcome to Ex-C! 

[MerryG]

vadarama -- You are awesomely eloquent and seem to have a powerfully individual mind. You may never again (imagine yourself to) be the momentary focus of god's own attention, but you are clearly forging something wonderful and all your own.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Beautifully written, your story touched me on many levels.  Welcome to ex-c and to your newfound freedom.

[amateur]

Welcome!  How has your family handled this, if you let them know, that is.  What an interesting life you've had so far!

[vadarama]

vadarama -- You are awesomely eloquent and seem to have a powerfully individual mind. You may never again (imagine yourself to) be the momentary focus of god's own attention, but you are clearly forging something wonderful and all your own.

 

Thanks so much for your words, MerryG! You brought tears to my eyes. Very encouraging; so happy I made the decision to post, since I was on the fence. And of course I beat myself up mercilessly over the typos, but I suspect the Ex-C community will help me come to terms with having human imperfections. I love the idea of forging something on my own, though it still feels naughty on some level.

 

Thank you to everyone who's reading and welcoming; I can't wait to dig deeper into these boards!

[vadarama]

"Why must I continue to stoke this fire each day? If this is the unavoidable Truth, why do I spend so much time convincing myself?" Yeeeeeesssss!!!!! I used to have nearly the exact same thought (although never expressed it quite that eloquently). I absolutely LOVE the way you stated it. I got to the point where I said to myself, "If I realize that the vast majority of my time spent thinking about my religion, is spent trying to convince myself that I still believe it... it's time to let it go."

 

Totally, Aiyana! At some point, I realized the values I was supposed to hold dear (integrity, honesty) required me to stop the constant mental gymnastics. And I saw that the values themselves were greater and more precious than the dogma. It was hard for me as a Christian to see that my focus was misdirected, and that led to a lot of frustration. 

[vadarama]

Welcome!  How has your family handled this, if you let them know, that is.  What an interesting life you've had so far!

 

It never occurred to me that I've had an interesting life, so thanks for that, amateur! Ha. I told my parents right away, and my extended family shortly after. They've been understanding and not insulting about my apostasy; it's just that they can't offer any real support since they have no choice but to think I'm on the wrong path and pray for my return. Early on, my mom would remind me (and herself) of Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (translation: Be patient and trust God; this is just a phase!) There's no way to get my relatives to understand that there's no going back for me; we live in completely different realities. 

[TrueFreedom]

 

Welcome!  How has your family handled this, if you let them know, that is.  What an interesting life you've had so far!

 

It never occurred to me that I've had an interesting life, so thanks for that, amateur! Ha. I told my parents right away, and my extended family shortly after. They've been understanding and not insulting about my apostasy; it's just that they can't offer any real support since they have no choice but to think I'm on the wrong path and pray for my return. Early on, my mom would remind me (and herself) of Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (translation: Be patient and trust God; this is just a phase!) There's no way to get my relatives to understand that there's no going back for me; we live in completely different realities. 

 

Welcome, vadarama.  I feel ya here.  I'm in my forties, and most of my extended family feels the same way about me.

[midniterider]

Hi, all! Longtime lurker here. I’m 29 and have been in recovery from evangelical fundamentalism for a few years now. I’m still trying to assemble an identity and a life apart from God.

 

I was born in Philadelphia and grew up in a ministry family. My father served at churches and non-profits in different regions of the US with wife and two children in tow. We followed God’s lead, no matter how undecipherable the directions. Dad was the official recipient of the Holy Spirit’s messages, and Mom was dutiful but strong-headed. Uncertainty, pressure and tension followed us wherever we went. My little brother and I cycled between imaginative play and overt hostility, riding atmospheric waves of marital discord. Common features among our childhood homes were egg-shell floors and thin walls.

 

God was the real head of our household. Authoritarian and perfectionist, he was never pleased. Heavenly Father’s nature kept my Earth Dad feeling just shy of the mark in every endeavor. Dad wore the frustration and self-loathing on his sleeve, often reminding us: we humans are weak and worthless on our own; “all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.” (Isaiah 54:6)

 

Jesus was our counterbalancing comfort. I applied the warm salve as needed- an antidote to intrusive images of hell and demon-possessed Disney cartoons. Jesus alone could save me from an eternity of torture, for the price of one heart, one soul and my eternal consciousness. Never having bonded with my own heart or intuition, I considered it a small sacrifice. What’s the rest of my life on Earth compared to forever in paradise?

 

Throughout my teens, I sought to better understand and defend the doctrine by studying apologetics. As a fundamentally rational, literal person, I always fought cognitive dissonance when it came to biblical claims and miracle healings. But my rare moments of peace and reassurance all came from the Holy Spirit. God, in his three persons, anchored my intellectual, psychological and emotional experience. And I couldn’t imagine life without the Truth, now believing there was an air-tight argument for every Christian claim.

 

To reject God was dangerous self-delusion. But the fact that most people in the world were so deluded felt tragic. Does the bulk of each generation end up in hell? What did our God do to earn His monopoly on universal Truth? Why was this wasteful setup okay with Him? Of course, these were silly, petty questions coming from me. Who was I to question the Way Things Are? I knew better. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

 

I sometimes debated with nonbelievers during my years at Vassar College, even as I enjoyed a new freedom to explore the taboo (philosophy, evolutionary theory, cheap vodka in plastic cups). Though I loosened up just enough to fit in, I remained decidedly chaste and avoided drunken flings in favor of the same innocent crushes I’d had since kindergarten. I was the sexually non-threatening good girl- not too uptight to party, but willing to stand strong in her faith when challenged.

 

My college friends’ carefree living and casual dismissal of fundamentalist beliefs had planted additional seeds of pesky doubt, so I opted for an evangelical graduate school (Regent U. in Virginia Beach) in an effort to get closer to my spiritual kin and re-cement my relationship with Christ. Immediately irked by some of my new schoolmates’ lack of intellectual curiosity, I gravitated toward the misfits who wrestled with doctrine and started debates in class. I was most at-ease with my small group of male friends, we'd stay up until morning talking, watching thought-provoking R-rated movies, and fishing for live lobsters from the tank at our favorite dive bar.

 

By the end of my Master’s program, one thing was clear: No one really had it all figured out. I started to entertain the thought that we were all just human, in the same boat, trying to navigate our way through life without clear intel. The people I’d expected to reassure me didn’t live as if they had the Ultimate Answer to Everything. I flirted with new terms- Christian anarchism, sola scriptura, liberation theology. Maybe my faith could be made more grounded, personal and practical. I applied for the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. They shipped me out to Los Angeles to work full-time at a non-profit, in exchange for room and board at a South Central home shared with four peers.

 

There was no better place than California to encourage the free-spirit contrarian in me. The vaguely Catholic JVC program and its functionally agnostic members had me more disillusioned than ever. That idealized, workable brand of Christianity now seemed elusive and pointless. During my first year in LA, I started to understand the concept of pluralism, and I met my first serious boyfriend- a former Christian with boundless curiosity and creativity. Self-directed and oddly at peace with the troubling conditions of mortal existence, he patiently prompted me to ask myself the tough questions whenever I began to evangelize.

 

Soon, I was allowing myself to consider the possibility of thinking more critically about my worldview. Before I knew it, I was at a point of no return; one foot was firmly out of the fold. I removed the other after a short-lived re-dedication to church and small-group bible study. The moment of epiphany occurred during a routine devotional in my room one afternoon. What if the Holy Spirit is in my head? The intrusive thought interrupted my silent prayer. Why must I continue to stoke this fire each day? If this is the unavoidable Truth, why do I spend so much time convincing myself? Before I could squelch the urge, I pried my laptop open to search the internet: “bible contradictions.” I wanted to see if the inerrant Word of God could be legitimately de-legitimized, and I wasn’t going to restrict myself to the apologists this time. I was a nonbeliever almost overnight.

 

Some aspects of religion were easy to let go of. The fantastical, impossible claims and ignorant laws became laughable even as they began to make perfect sense in light of their context of human authorship and archaic social structures. But in the years since my deconversion, I’ve struggled to build self-worth and a strong agenda of my own without the help of an all-powerful personal Savior. No longer does an infinite God pause to make me feel like the center of the universe for a minute or two. No more warm, fuzzy Holy Ghost visitations or words of discernment. No more miracles or speaking in tongues.

 

Now, thrilling epiphanies and occasional moments of meditative peace and transcendence promise spiritual wellness apart from religion. I still struggle to trust myself and my own experience without having to fit everything into a box. It feels unfair to accept this peace without also accepting the unfortunate conditions of judgment after death. It feels weird to claim my life as my own. I realize the need to self-parent, to give myself permission to make mistakes without repenting.

 

I’m just entering a new phase of faith-based living, where I put trust in what I know to be real- natural cause and effect, the transformative power of hope and love, the efficacy of strong desire and hard work when it comes to pursuing goals. Residual shame and fear often keep me from being truly vulnerable with myself and others, but I now seek community with those who understand the unique predicament of a former child of God. I hope my story will encourage someone else to share theirs.

 

(I submitted this poem to Ex-C as a newer de-convert a couple years ago, for those who may be interested.)

 

Great extimony :-) You're a fine writer.

[midniterider]

 

Welcome!  How has your family handled this, if you let them know, that is.  What an interesting life you've had so far!

 

It never occurred to me that I've had an interesting life, so thanks for that, amateur! Ha. I told my parents right away, and my extended family shortly after. They've been understanding and not insulting about my apostasy; it's just that they can't offer any real support since they have no choice but to think I'm on the wrong path and pray for my return. Early on, my mom would remind me (and herself) of Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (translation: Be patient and trust God; this is just a phase!) There's no way to get my relatives to understand that there's no going back for me; we live in completely different realities. 

 

 

Someone else said something about how as we grow up we leave behind the things of our childhood in order to become adults....like leaving behind our baby religion (Christianity) in order to grow. Otherwise we stagnate.

[vadarama]

 

 

Welcome!  How has your family handled this, if you let them know, that is.  What an interesting life you've had so far!

 

It never occurred to me that I've had an interesting life, so thanks for that, amateur! Ha. I told my parents right away, and my extended family shortly after. They've been understanding and not insulting about my apostasy; it's just that they can't offer any real support since they have no choice but to think I'm on the wrong path and pray for my return. Early on, my mom would remind me (and herself) of Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (translation: Be patient and trust God; this is just a phase!) There's no way to get my relatives to understand that there's no going back for me; we live in completely different realities. 

 

 

Someone else said something about how as we grow up we leave behind the things of our childhood in order to become adults....like leaving behind our baby religion (Christianity) in order to grow. Otherwise we stagnate.

 

 

 

Yes!! On one hand some of my family is proud of me for maturing and continuing to follow my heart, but they don't see that religion had to go in order for me to grow, that it wouldn't be compatible with my life as a thinking, feeling adult in the real world. It's tough. I read a lot of Alan Watts and the like, and I agree with the concept that spiritual progress is impossible unless you can truly accept your own mortality and reckon with life as an organic being. We grow and thrive in good conditions, like plants and all living things. The condition of vain wishful thinking causes stagnation.

[Ellinas]

Very interesting.  A story of a search for yourself in amongst the maze of conflicting ideas and pressures.  You seem to have done so successfully.  You are likely to find that you will continue to live in a very different reality to your family as it is difficult to see how they can comprehend your position from the standpoint that you ascribe to them - the most you can hope for is probably the mutual tolerance that has already been achieved

 

You've done well - and I think your story betrays an almost ruthless personal intellectual honesty.  That is impressive.

[vadarama]

Very interesting.  A story of a search for yourself in amongst the maze of conflicting ideas and pressures.  You seem to have done so successfully.  You are likely to find that you will continue to live in a very different reality to your family as it is difficult to see how they can comprehend your position from the standpoint that you ascribe to them - the most you can hope for is probably the mutual tolerance that has already been achieved

 

You've done well - and I think your story betrays an almost ruthless personal intellectual honesty.  That is impressive.

 

Thank you, Ellinas! Very kind of you to say. And I agree that I'll need to get more comfortable in the mutual tolerance with my family. It's actually more than I hoped for, so I should be grateful for their surprisingly humane response. 

[themonkeyman]

Howdie,

 

Its Human Nature to want to be apart of something.  I tried giving up God completely and while there is evidence - Sometimes its a nice thing to think that there might be a God out there somewhere.  So dont feel you have to disconnect 'A God'

 

This is what I see is an absolute poison of religon.  People take one verse out of the Bible then apply it to their Situation.  Its the same as me saying 'Puff the magic dragon lives by the sea' - When we all know 'Puff the magic dragon' is a song.

 

See no one ever said that we would leave earth - The entire bible says we are well and truely grounded on this planet - The bible also says that Heaven is an eternity long Church Service so whatever way you look at it (Pain and Torture) vs (Eternal Boredom) both sound like horrible to me.

 

This is the problem I have - If Jesus died for us then why is more than half of every generation going to Hell.  Surely thats a MASSIVE fail in my book.  Back in the days of the OT a priest could atone for the people 'Automatically' regardless of who they believed.  But then Jesus came along and made the situation dyre.

 

It didnt help that his Holy Spirit gives us conflicting messages and that we cannot trust the bible worth a penny.

 

When I was a Christian one of the guys I knew was also a Christian however his Ex- also a Christian had some venom and hurt his good name among their common friends.  One day at University he said to me do you want to goto the Students Union for a Pint.  I said yes and immediately 5 - 10 Christians started condeming us and quoting scripture.  My reply to them was 'Fuck off - Didnt you know Jesus was a Brewery'

 

This is another thing that I found - The harder you try to cling on to Christianity the more it falls apart - Its ok for people in Church who are passive but when someone like me who is a Programmer needs logic the more I found holes the harder I tried to cling on to the bible until eventually It became impossible to believe because the bible did not answer the problems I had.

 

Hope this helps,  And Welcome!

[vadarama]

Thanks, themonkeyman! It helps, indeed. Lots of good points there. And while I find the label God unnecessary and don't like the connotation it carries regardless of context, I do like the idea of everything being imbued with the universe's own creative intelligence, and that's divine enough for me.

 

Such a good point about Jesus coming and making the situation dire. Suddenly, my belief about the veracity of the resurrection claim is what determines my fate? The Christ may have been a humble guru who never actually asked to be deified, for all I know. He also easily could've been a Jim Jones type, which I find more interesting. Some modern evangelicals love him as a radical hippie who freed us all from the establishment, but all the droves of extra souls in hell can't be worth it. 

[♦ ficino ♦]

I love your story - the writing of it, your finding and creating yourself, and even the hard parts.  I'm no "God sends us suffering for a purpose" type, but you have put together a lot of insight from what you have experienced.  I relate to so much of what you write, even though many parts of our stories differ. Thank you for sharing with us, and stick around!  You have much to contribute here and in RL, vadarama!

[M4rio]

Wow, what a wonderfully worded contribution to the collection of extimonies here!

 

Thanks for sharing this. I was born in Poughkeepsie, at Vassar Brothers Hospital. My aunt used to work at Vassar college. I was just back there the first week of June to say goodbye to that same aunt -- she passed away 3 years ago, but we just now as a family spread her ashes in the mountains she used to hike with us and her husband and son.

 

I can only imagine what it feels like to leave behind a religion that was so fervently central in your youth. It must be both painful and liberating.

 

The closest I can come may actually be when I visit back home and feel the worldview in which some of my family reside. It is not Christian, but it retains some odd beliefs in godlike forces and supernatural "connections". As a child I wanted to learn more about these forces and abilities to "tap into" the cosmic realms. Supposedly it was through meditation, of the Maharishi style, that one could attain this access -- and through it do things like levitate or experience out of body experiences.

 

When I moved to Atlanta I started to really see the Christian polar opposite of this. Big screen, deep voiced pastors like Charles Stanley and later his son Andy Stanley, drawing in thousands and thousands of people to their flocks. All the while preaching a literal, historical, miracle-working, flesh and blood resurrecting Jesus Christ.

 

For me, enough was enough. I realized in my mid twenties that all of it was mythology and that supernatural powers or forces, if they existed, would devalue the grandeur and splendor of the natural world as it actually exists. Nature by itself is wonderful enough that it can bring forth evolving creatures who through millions and millions of years progress to the point of being themselves creators; creators of ideas, of mythologies, of societies and information systems and planetary travel and communications. They even create ships that have traveled outside our own solar system. Maybe it is us whose own creativity will create a godlike force someday. Who knows.

 

But thus far, I see no reasons for any of us to believe in the mythologies of old as being founded upon literal, historical events. Doing so probably devalues their purpose and utility anyway.

 

Hi, all! Longtime lurker here. I’m 29 and have been in recovery from evangelical fundamentalism for a few years now. I’m still trying to assemble an identity and a life apart from God.

 

I was born in Philadelphia and grew up in a ministry family. My father served at churches and non-profits in different regions of the US with wife and two children in tow. We followed God’s lead, no matter how undecipherable the directions. Dad was the official recipient of the Holy Spirit’s messages, and Mom was dutiful but strong-headed. Uncertainty, pressure and tension followed us wherever we went. My little brother and I cycled between imaginative play and overt hostility, riding atmospheric waves of marital discord. Common features among our childhood homes were egg-shell floors and thin walls.

 

God was the real head of our household. Authoritarian and perfectionist, he was never pleased. Heavenly Father’s nature kept my Earth Dad feeling just shy of the mark in every endeavor. Dad wore the frustration and self-loathing on his sleeve, often reminding us: we humans are weak and worthless on our own; “all our righteous acts are like

[themonkeyman]

Thanks, themonkeyman! It helps, indeed. Lots of good points there. And while I find the label God unnecessary and don't like the connotation it carries regardless of context, I do like the idea of everything being imbued with the universe's own creative intelligence, and that's divine enough for me.

 

Such a good point about Jesus coming and making the situation dire. Suddenly, my belief about the veracity of the resurrection claim is what determines my fate? The Christ may have been a humble guru who never actually asked to be deified, for all I know. He also easily could've been a Jim Jones type, which I find more interesting. Some modern evangelicals love him as a radical hippie who freed us all from the establishment, but all the droves of extra souls in hell can't be worth it. 

 

If you read my stuff on Celsus and Hell then you will see that Celsus who was a Critic of Christianity made note that all religions of the day were the same as christianity except christianity had tons of problems because it was younger

[RedStar]

Good on you for not being too scared to ask questions. Reading things that weren't from apologist sites must have been very confronting but it sounds like you were ready for it. It can take a long time to work up the courage to do that. Planet Earth welcomes you back.

[ax345]

Your story sure resonates with me.  I followed a similar path in that, as I had "one foot out", I would give faith another try (e.g., going to a faith share group), only to find it sticking less and less.