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My Heart Yearns For Closure And Peace.


redplum
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I walked away from christianity two years ago. months before that i was already skeptical but still believed out of fear. two things changed that: My experience getting out from underneath a charismatic church and my questioning of attitudes towards the lgbt community. But the charismatic experience is especially important as it forced me to reassess my sanity. My ex-gf asked me to come to this church when I confessed my doubts and fears to her as a sister in christ. When i went, the preacher ended up prophecying over me, which did not come true. I realized that i was fooling myself and that moreover i was being used bt the pastor to try to bring me and my ex back together.  I had a complete nervous breakdown as a result and decided that I could no longer believe sincerely in any interventionist god.

 

But the one thing i regret was not getting therapy, or talking to my ex after the fact. The truth is, i want so badly to believe and yet everytime i break down and pray it makes my loneliness worse. my heart literally hearts because i feel like a failure and my depression and anxiety overwhelm me to the point where i feel like i have to vent out loud. I find myself talking literally to myself and arguing myself about my feelings and my doubts. my former roommates (who are atheists) were freaked out and told me that i needed therapy, badly. i hate dealing with this, i miss that feeling that i had when i was a believer, of being happy. I feel like i need to talk to my ex about why i walked away, i feel like i need to reassess whether i disbelieve sincerely. And i need to fet my shit together, but i don't know how. I need a therapist who understands those who are deconverting.

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Welcome, we're glad you're here.

 

Charismatic churches can do a lot of damage.  Especially when the person is already vulnerable due to issues like depression.  I turned to xianity when I was depressed. Had lots of prayer, which never worked.  I would have been better off relying on medicine and therapy instead.

 

If you go to www.seculartherapy.org you can find a list of therapists hopefully in your area who are safe to deal with deconversion.  

 

The process takes time so try to be gentle with yourself.  Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.  I wish you all the best.

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Welcome. I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but you've found a great place with people who know what you're going thru. When you need to talk, we're here to listen.

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My only brush with charismatic Christianity was nearly 30 years ago - I felt it to be potentially damaging and destabilizing to my equilibrium and got out quick.

 

It will take you some time, to regain your balance, I fear.  I'd advise you to stay well away from charismatics in the meantime.

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Thanks guys!! It's just really hard sometimes not feeling like a complete coward for simply walking away from religion and my ex without looking back.

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redplum: None of us are qualified to give you professional advice, although many are very smart. I think you really should seek out a psychiatrist or psychologist. You may benefit from the use of anti-depression meds. They have helped me and thousands of others. But you have to take the first step and see a doctor. I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep coming back.   bill

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