Trouble At Work

[Darkillusion]

Yesterday I had a situation that came up at work, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm a server at a country club, and I was in the back corner of the storage room looking for a box of glasses. I overheard two co-workers talking to each other, and one of them very loudly proclaimed to the other that he hates me and I am trash. He went on to explain that I flirt with everyone even though I'm married and that's just trashy. I was so astonished that I just stood there with my box of glasses until they left. This co-worker is very outspokenly Christian and I had always thought well of him. I couldn't believe he would say such hurtful things about me.

 

I am very friendly with all my co-workers because I think having fun and getting along with everyone while working just makes the work much more pleasant. I was not sure how being smiley and friendly means I'm about to cheat on my husband, but I decided to confront him to see where he was coming from.

 

When I told him later that night that I had overheard him, he tried to play it off but then quickly proceeded to call me trash and worthless and he has no respect for me to my face. I told him I had no idea where all this animosity had come from and started crying. He apparently felt bad and tried to hug me but I pushed him away. He explained that he is an "old fashioned gentleman" (read: christian) and things that I've done are wrong and trashy. I had no idea whaht I had done, and he explained that he had heard from other co-workers that I was supposedly "coming on" to them. Great, I'm so glad he's perpetuating rumors he heard and saying such nasty things behind my back with zero proof of what he's saying.

 

Firstly, I feel this urge now to apologize to everyone because my smiley friendliest has apparently been interpreted the wrong way. I suppose it's the same Christian mentality that says women shouldn't wear provocative clothing because it causes men to sin. It's my fault they have the wrong idea, not men with their stupid wishful thinking. He listed a few people who had said stuff about me, and I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes the rest of the night I felt such betrayal by people I thought were friends.

 

Secondly, everyone knows I am not a believer, and I feel like that might be the root of the problem. I'm a heathen atheist, and so of course if I show friendliness to people I must be trying to cheat on my husband. I have no morals, right?

 

I'm going back to work today and I'm sure some more details on this will come out. I feel like quitting though because I am absolutely humiliated that people think these things about me. I always try to be a really kind person and always speak well of people. For someone to say such things about me was devastating, and to know that others think I'm some whore because I like to tell jokes and get along with everyone...I don't even know how to behave now! And if I just lay low and stop talking to people I'll get the incessive "are you okay? are you okay? what's wrong, is everything okay???" because being quiet and not friendly is never how I've been! But I don't really want to explain the situation to everyone. Anyway I didn't sleep last night because my mind has been racing on how to handle this and just thought some of you lovely people could shed some light

[TrueFreedom]

I'm sorry that happened to you.  That really sucks.  What a bunch of pricks.  I think that the best response is to continue to be yourself.  If an opportunity arises to point out that it's not a come-on, perhaps by making a light-hearted dig, throw that in.

[Darklady]

First *hugs*

 

I have something similar happening, one of my team recently quit and was saying all sorts of untrue things about me, as her reason (I am her boss) some were just untrue, and others she had twisted my words/actions into something else.

 

You cant change how people think, but you can rise above it.

Be yourself , you sound lovely and frankly that guy sounds unhinged.

[florduh]

Have you heard the song "Harper Valley PTA?"

[Guest Marty]

Firstly, I feel this urge now to apologize to everyone because my smiley friendliest has apparently been interpreted the wrong way. I suppose it's the same Christian mentality that says women shouldn't wear provocative clothing because it causes men to sin. It's my fault they have the wrong idea, not men with their stupid wishful thinking. He listed a few people who had said stuff about me, and I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes the rest of the night I felt such betrayal by people I thought were friends.

 

Don't apologize to anyone.  All you have done is be yourself.  Continue to be yourself and do not let them make you feel less than for any reason.  First of all, they are christians, what the hell do they know about anything?  Secondly, some people's egos interpret friendliness as a pass at them, and if they make advances that go unanswered (you may not have even noticed them as such), that ego then makes them feel you were beneath them anyway.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this.  Just don't stop being your normal friendly self!

[Darkillusion]

First *hugs*

 

I have something similar happening, one of my team recently quit and was saying all sorts of untrue things about me, as her reason (I am her boss) some were just untrue, and others she had twisted my words/actions into something else.

 

You cant change how people think, but you can rise above it.

Be yourself , you sound lovely and frankly that guy sounds unhinged.

Thanks DarkLady. I think I hate the twisting of words/actions the most! I believe one coworker thought I was coming on to him because I complimented his appearance in his white shirt (we had just changed to new uniforms). It makes you analyze everything you say and do to make sure it won't be twisted into something it wasn't intended to be.

[mymistake]

There are some technical terms for this problem.  It is called sexual harassment and a hostile work environment.  I would talk to your supervisor about it first.  Perhaps with a lawyer next.  But your supervisor might fix everything.

 

As for flirting at work there is only one opinion that counts.  Talk to your husband about it and ask him what he is comfortable with.  It's none of anybody else's business.  Your partnership is with your husband and the two of you are the only ones who can decide how jealous you will be over each other.  I take it you will talk to your husband about this incident.

 

Oh and one more thing.  You never have to hug Mr. Christian Neanderthal.  If he tries to hug you say "No!  Don't touch me."

[themonkeyman]

I hate to tell you but this is how Christians act, At least yours had the nerve to do it behind your back.  Christians I used to know from University would openly throw a party and exclude *some* people that did match with them.

 

From what I can see Christianity is a social club and it’s not what it used to be.  Jesus never died for this movement to go the way it did.  Just shows how satain managed to mangle a horrible religion through none other than the Apostle Fuckhead Paul!

 

I would also speak to your husband about this because let’s face it – If this got back to him that there is gossip he would expect you to have told him about it already.

 

Actually there is no excuse for being a dick, being an ‘Old Fashioned Gentleman’ is what I would call myself – Its someone who generally gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.  What standard is trashy – His God supports incest on numerous occasions!

 

Ahh I love the one women shouldn’t dress provocatively I found Christians in my University and Socials to dress worse than an average hooker, they always tried to get the guys to want them!  In fact one girl actually dressed like a slut on purpose at one CU Meeting because the pastor was teaching men not to lust after woman so she thought it would be funny to dress as slutty as she could!

 

Sure didn’t you know all Atheist’s are satan incarnate – Christians are the persecuted ones even though some how they are the Largest Religion on earth lol!

 

Tell the Christian that your husband will kick his ass if he speaks again or depending on your conscience just say this Christian was doing bad things with kids.  That’s a sure fire way to get revenge though its pretty low,  But oddly enough even Child Paedophilia is not beyond Yahweh!

[moanareina]

So sorry to hear.

 

And the worst I think is that this christian guy thought he could make you feel bad and then offer you help...I once got financial support from the government and my social worker did that to me. It was one of the worst experiences with people. Somehow misguided social syndrome or how you want to call it.

 

Now this might sound pretty hard but I think that you where able to overhear him saying these things is an advantage for you. That way you had the chance to confront him and also maybe to talk to others about it. Otherwise you would just have noticed some change in behavior towards you and wondered why.

I work at a place where people talk behind your backs and sometimes I think it would be interesting to know what they say about me. Once someone told me she heard people starting a rumor about me having cancer. I really wondered why people would come up with things like that. I guess they are bored and unhappy with their lives.

 

I also hate it when people think you are flirting when in fact you just try to have a good time with others. Unfortunately that line is quite thin and sometimes I myself wonder when a co-worker gives me a friendly pat on my shoulder if I should be worried about him having more in mind or is it just a friendly pat. But in general I try to avoid those thoughts because if he had more in mind he would find out the moment he would do a move towards it that I did not. 

 

When I was in church still it was kinda frustrating for me because when you started talking to a guy and the conversation went on the rumors already started...and it made it impossible to just get to know the guys you thought where nice and maybe interesting. It all started so serious already...and then you had those eternal singles who actually where quite attractive but just could not find a mate because when you don't have the chance to get to know the people around you the only thing you have to actually chose one is the outer experience and what you observe about someone or someone is telling you about a person...

 

I guess you are in a tricky situation. Intuitively I would say too you should talk to your supervisor and stay to be yourself and all...and the ones who know you and like you will know better than the rumors. But I know in real life things look a little more scary sometimes. Wish you luck and courage.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I would definitely speak to your manager about this and be completely honest about how it has made you feel.  Sexual harassment in the workplace doesn't always involve someone being overtly suggestive.  A hostile workplace has been created through no intentional fault of your own.  Your manager needs to know and he/she needs to address the situation in a way that demonstrates zero tolerance for the kind of behavior displayed by your co-worker.  Don't apologize for being yourself; stand up and fight for your right to.

[midniterider]

Yesterday I had a situation that came up at work, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm a server at a country club, and I was in the back corner of the storage room looking for a box of glasses. I overheard two co-workers talking to each other, and one of them very loudly proclaimed to the other that he hates me and I am trash. He went on to explain that I flirt with everyone even though I'm married and that's just trashy. I was so astonished that I just stood there with my box of glasses until they left. This co-worker is very outspokenly Christian and I had always thought well of him. I couldn't believe he would say such hurtful things about me.

 

I am very friendly with all my co-workers because I think having fun and getting along with everyone while working just makes the work much more pleasant. I was not sure how being smiley and friendly means I'm about to cheat on my husband, but I decided to confront him to see where he was coming from.

 

When I told him later that night that I had overheard him, he tried to play it off but then quickly proceeded to call me trash and worthless and he has no respect for me to my face. I told him I had no idea where all this animosity had come from and started crying. He apparently felt bad and tried to hug me but I pushed him away. He explained that he is an "old fashioned gentleman" (read: christian) and things that I've done are wrong and trashy. I had no idea whaht I had done, and he explained that he had heard from other co-workers that I was supposedly "coming on" to them. Great, I'm so glad he's perpetuating rumors he heard and saying such nasty things behind my back with zero proof of what he's saying.

 

Firstly, I feel this urge now to apologize to everyone because my smiley friendliest has apparently been interpreted the wrong way. I suppose it's the same Christian mentality that says women shouldn't wear provocative clothing because it causes men to sin. It's my fault they have the wrong idea, not men with their stupid wishful thinking. He listed a few people who had said stuff about me, and I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes the rest of the night I felt such betrayal by people I thought were friends.

 

Secondly, everyone knows I am not a believer, and I feel like that might be the root of the problem. I'm a heathen atheist, and so of course if I show friendliness to people I must be trying to cheat on my husband. I have no morals, right?

 

I'm going back to work today and I'm sure some more details on this will come out. I feel like quitting though because I am absolutely humiliated that people think these things about me. I always try to be a really kind person and always speak well of people. For someone to say such things about me was devastating, and to know that others think I'm some whore because I like to tell jokes and get along with everyone...I don't even know how to behave now! And if I just lay low and stop talking to people I'll get the incessive "are you okay? are you okay? what's wrong, is everything okay???" because being quiet and not friendly is never how I've been! But I don't really want to explain the situation to everyone. Anyway I didn't sleep last night because my mind has been racing on how to handle this and just thought some of you lovely people could shed some light

 

So customer service friendly is being trashy eh? Tell him to fuck off. And say "Jesus fucking Christ" or "Goddammit" now and then to irritate him.

[midniterider]

Darkillusion,

 

I would go to the manager and tell him/her that that guy is bringing what is personal (his religion) into the work place and calling you trash, and making it a "HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT".  That is a legal term that should make him/her JUMP.  That guy had no business doing that and calling you those names to your face.  If he had that opinion, that is his opinion but the minute he called you trash in front of everyone, that is bordering on slander.  You are not bringing in your atheism. He should not be bringing in his Christianity.  Simple enough.  

 

Mention lawsuit if need be, to the boss.

[Aries256]

I would've re-arranged that asshole's teeth. Sigh, but alas filing a complaint with HR and the proper agencies is the best thing to do.

[Blue elephant]

You may find that this person has a history of being a toxic bitch! Some of the best workplace bitches are men!

 

if this is the case, you may find out a bit by having some subtle chats with other staff. May give you an idea of which direction to head in.

 

But .... This is definitely not your fault.

[chrisdownunder]

Yesterday I had a situation that came up at work, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm a server at a country club, and I was in the back corner of the storage room looking for a box of glasses. I overheard two co-workers talking to each other, and one of them very loudly proclaimed to the other that he hates me and I am trash. He went on to explain that I flirt with everyone even though I'm married and that's just trashy. I was so astonished that I just stood there with my box of glasses until they left. This co-worker is very outspokenly Christian and I had always thought well of him. I couldn't believe he would say such hurtful things about me.

 

I am very friendly with all my co-workers because I think having fun and getting along with everyone while working just makes the work much more pleasant. I was not sure how being smiley and friendly means I'm about to cheat on my husband, but I decided to confront him to see where he was coming from.

 

When I told him later that night that I had overheard him, he tried to play it off but then quickly proceeded to call me trash and worthless and he has no respect for me to my face. I told him I had no idea where all this animosity had come from and started crying. He apparently felt bad and tried to hug me but I pushed him away. He explained that he is an "old fashioned gentleman" (read: christian) and things that I've done are wrong and trashy. I had no idea whaht I had done, and he explained that he had heard from other co-workers that I was supposedly "coming on" to them. Great, I'm so glad he's perpetuating rumors he heard and saying such nasty things behind my back with zero proof of what he's saying.

 

Firstly, I feel this urge now to apologize to everyone because my smiley friendliest has apparently been interpreted the wrong way. I suppose it's the same Christian mentality that says women shouldn't wear provocative clothing because it causes men to sin. It's my fault they have the wrong idea, not men with their stupid wishful thinking. He listed a few people who had said stuff about me, and I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes the rest of the night I felt such betrayal by people I thought were friends.

 

Secondly, everyone knows I am not a believer, and I feel like that might be the root of the problem. I'm a heathen atheist, and so of course if I show friendliness to people I must be trying to cheat on my husband. I have no morals, right?

 

I'm going back to work today and I'm sure some more details on this will come out. I feel like quitting though because I am absolutely humiliated that people think these things about me. I always try to be a really kind person and always speak well of people. For someone to say such things about me was devastating, and to know that others think I'm some whore because I like to tell jokes and get along with everyone...I don't even know how to behave now! And if I just lay low and stop talking to people I'll get the incessive "are you okay? are you okay? what's wrong, is everything okay???" because being quiet and not friendly is never how I've been! But I don't really want to explain the situation to everyone. Anyway I didn't sleep last night because my mind has been racing on how to handle this and just thought some of you lovely people could shed some light

Well if he is talking about you alot that means he's thinking about you alot. Next time you see him ask him why he's thinking about you alot, I'll be very interested in what he says.

[Darkillusion]

Have you heard the song "Harper Valley PTA?"

No I hadn't heard that song and thanks BO for the link

 

That really is quite fitting because the names he dropped of people who were making comments about me are the biggest flirts in the building and would be the most likely to WISH I were, in fact, flirting back with them.

[Darkillusion]

First of all, they are christians, what the hell do they know about anything?

Ha this made me smile! What an excellent point to put it all in perspective

[moanareina]

 

That really is quite fitting because the names he dropped of people who were making comments about me are the biggest flirts in the building and would be the most likely to WISH I were, in fact, flirting back with them.

 

 

There you go...that's probably why they engaged in this talking...

[Darkillusion]

There are some technical terms for this problem.  It is called sexual harassment and a hostile work environment.  I would talk to your supervisor about it first.  Perhaps with a lawyer next.  But your supervisor might fix everything.

 

As for flirting at work there is only one opinion that counts.  Talk to your husband about it and ask him what he is comfortable with.  It's none of anybody else's business.  Your partnership is with your husband and the two of you are the only ones who can decide how jealous you will be over each other.  I take it you will talk to your husband about this incident.

 

Oh and one more thing.  You never have to hug Mr. Christian Neanderthal.  If he tries to hug you say "No!  Don't touch me."

Yea it's funny he tried touching me several times during the conversation. Once to remove my sunglasses when I started crying. I gripped his wrist and moved his hand away. Then when he started feeling sorry for me and tried to hug me. I told him don't touch me and pushed him back. And then after our exchange was over he was like, "Can I have that hug now?" I gave him a wry pat on the back and as I was walking away he said, "Aww now I feel bad now!" It's like, Mr. Christian Gentleman, do you think it's appropriate to try touching me after all of this and I've made it clear that you need to back off??

 

But yea, I did tell my husband about it and of course he was livid that anyone would talk about me in such a manner. What's funny is Mr. Christian Gentleman showed up where my core group of work friends were hanging out that night. If I had decided to go out with them (and I normally take my husband along, but alas I was too distraught to go) my husband would have had a chance to say something to the troublemaker. My husband is a pretty imposing guy at 6'4'' and would have had Mr. Christian Gentleman shaking in his boots with perhaps a, "So, I heard you have something to say to my wife?" *snickers*

[Darkillusion]

So sorry to hear.

 

And the worst I think is that this christian guy thought he could make you feel bad and then offer you help...I once got financial support from the government and my social worker did that to me. It was one of the worst experiences with people. Somehow misguided social syndrome or how you want to call it.

 

Now this might sound pretty hard but I think that you where able to overhear him saying these things is an advantage for you. That way you had the chance to confront him and also maybe to talk to others about it. Otherwise you would just have noticed some change in behavior towards you and wondered why.

I work at a place where people talk behind your backs and sometimes I think it would be interesting to know what they say about me. Once someone told me she heard people starting a rumor about me having cancer. I really wondered why people would come up with things like that. I guess they are bored and unhappy with their lives.

 

I also hate it when people think you are flirting when in fact you just try to have a good time with others. Unfortunately that line is quite thin and sometimes I myself wonder when a co-worker gives me a friendly pat on my shoulder if I should be worried about him having more in mind or is it just a friendly pat. But in general I try to avoid those thoughts because if he had more in mind he would find out the moment he would do a move towards it that I did not. 

 

When I was in church still it was kinda frustrating for me because when you started talking to a guy and the conversation went on the rumors already started...and it made it impossible to just get to know the guys you thought where nice and maybe interesting. It all started so serious already...and then you had those eternal singles who actually where quite attractive but just could not find a mate because when you don't have the chance to get to know the people around you the only thing you have to actually chose one is the outer experience and what you observe about someone or someone is telling you about a person...

Yea after our confrontation he was SO friendly, sneaking me bags of chips and ice cream bars that I normally wouldn't have access to. Offering to help me carry things. Joking around like we normally used to before he "found out" all this stuff about me and became "cold" toward me. I mean, he was trying to joke, I just sat there and stared at him like ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I guess his Christian guilt-o-meter started to kick in after I confronted him. You are right it is good that I heard these things because now looking back his behavior DID change toward me after a certain point. At least now I know.

 

That is interesting about your church it sounds like a really difficult situation to get to know someone. Meh. Church places too much pressure on people, it's such an unnatural environment.

[Darkillusion]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and advice It was quite helpful and I appreciate everyone for taking the time to comment on my situation.

 

Now for an update...

 

I decided to listen to you all and the next day I told my manager everything that happened. Then I told her I will not be working in Mr. Christian Gentleman's area anymore if she wants to keep me as an employee. I was able to get my only shift in that area covered for this week, and she won't be scheduling me there anymore. She was very upset by what I told her, and she informed me of several potential reasons for this guys behavior.

 

One, his ex-wife cheated on him which led to divorce so he has a thing against married women talking to men. Two, he is moving to Texas in 2 weeks and so won't be working for much longer and perhaps doesn't care about whose reputations he destroys on his way out. And three, he just got out of a long term relationship and has been incredibly flirty with everyone and is perhaps disenchanted by the lack of attention I give him (the exact opposite of what he was complaining about in the first place, that I'm TOO flirty).

 

She informed me that contrary to what he was saying, no one thinks bad of me and actually everyone asks to work with me (she does the scheduling). She said that if he doesn't leave in 2 weeks then she will have something done. Not sure how I feel about that, but my main thing was to not have to see him again. I don't want to deal with his faux niceness and fake, guilty smile. She might talk to upper management about it, and I'll update if anything else comes of it.

 

I went on to have a lovely shift working a wedding and being my normal joking self, and we all had a great time ;D The guy he was saying all these nasty things to was really supportive and kind to me so I am hoping no lasting damage has been done by his vitriol. I think I'll approach a couple of the people he mentioned and see if there are any wrong impressions I need to clear up, just to be sure!

[moanareina]

Yeah, makes all perfect sense what your manager told you about this guy. Poor dude...needs to be an a'hole because he can't get what he wants to.

 

All the best!

[Ellinas]

Sounds like all has worked out well.  Actually, you've helped in the exposure of a hypocrite.  Well done - that takes courage in these sorts of circumstances.

[Blue elephant]

Aha! Just like I thought! there was some goss about this character. The response from HR was very supportive. sounds like this problem will go away now.